--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: Here’s the painful pattern that emerged…" description: "\"“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to t..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg" --- # Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research… ![“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us…” quote by Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg) > ““Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.” Covert”” [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. The speaker describes how men are invited to show vulnerability but often respond with fear, leading women to recoil; men may feign vulnerability, creating a cycle of inauthenticity. **In simple terms:** Men often pretend vulnerability, causing women to feel fear and disappointment. Key Takeaway Foster genuine, mutual vulnerability. Themes gender dynamics vulnerability communication trust authenticity Mood empathetic thoughtful hopeful Type analytical inspirational When to use this quote - couples therapy - workplace meetings - friendship circles - family discussions Key Concepts psychology relationship dynamics social expectations Questions to Reflect On - What steps can both genders take to encourage authentic vulnerability? A Different Perspective Cultural norms may discourage true openness. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Fear](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fear/) [Man U](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/man-u/) [Pretend Vulnerable](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/pretend-vulnerable-3879149/) [Real Vulnerability](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/real-vulnerability-3802649/) [Shame Vulnerability](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-vulnerability-3759601/) [Ur Eyes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ur-eyes/) [Vulnerability](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/vulnerability/) [Vulnerability Men](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/vulnerability-men-3879148/) ## Related quotes > [We talk about the vulnerability involved in sharing our work publicly. I don't think we talk enough about the real vulnerability involved in making…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-paul-caponigro/we-talk-about-the-vulnerability-involved-in-sharing-our-work-publicly/) [John Paul Caponigro](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-paul-caponigro/) > [If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/if-we-are-going-to-find-our-way-out-of-shame-and-back-to-each-other/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“As I look back on what I’ve learned about shame, gender, and worthiness, the greatest lesson is this: If we’re going to find our…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/as-i-look-back-on-what-i-ve-learned-about-shame-gender-and-worthiness/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [I do believe female directors, as well as our female writer, can bring out male vulnerability that some men can't because they can't face…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ben-kingsley/i-do-believe-female-directors-as-well-as-our-female-writer-can-bring/) [Ben Kingsley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ben-kingsley/) > [When women can cherish the vulnerability of men as much as men can exult in the strength of women, a new breed could lift…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marya-mannes/when-women-can-cherish-the-vulnerability-of-men-as-much-as-men-can/) [Marya Mannes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marya-mannes/) > [“He wanted you to be the small, quiet girl from Abnegation," Four says softly. "He hurt you because your strength made him feel weak.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/veronica-roth/he-wanted-you-to-be-the-small-quiet-girl-from-abnegation-four-says/) [Veronica Roth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/veronica-roth/) > [Showing vulnerability for men is really important.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-blades/showing-vulnerability-for-men-is-really-important/) [Jay Blades](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-blades/) > [“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/vulnerability-is-not-weakness-and-the-uncertainty-risk-and-emotional/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-cultivate-love-when-we-allow-our-most-vulnerable-and-powerful/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/ordinary-courage-is-about-putting-our-vulnerability-on-the-line-in/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we're afraid to let them see it in us. We're afraid that our…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-love-seeing-raw-truth-and-openness-in-other-people-but-we-re/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Vulnerability is not about fear and grief and disappointment; it is the birthplace of everything we're hungry for.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/vulnerability-is-not-about-fear-and-grief-and-disappointment-it-is/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experience.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/vulnerability-is-the-core-the-heart-the-center-of-meaningful-human/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Love is a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them - we can only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/love-is-a-connection-that-can-only-be-cultivated-between-two-people/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/courage-starts-with-showing-up-and-letting-ourselves-be-seen/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## More by Brené Brown > [We're raising children who have little tolerance for disappointment](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-re-raising-children-who-have-little-tolerance-for-disappointment/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“always put off writing by reorganizing my entire house and spending way too much time and money buying office supplies and organizing systems. Every…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/always-put-off-writing-by-reorganizing-my-entire-house-and-spending/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-you-ask-people-about-love-they-tell-you-about-heartbreak/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I can recognize shame when it’s happening.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-can-recognize-shame-when-it-s-happening/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-carry-a-small-sheet-of-paper-in-my-wallet-that-has-written-on-it/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/courage-starts-with-showing-up-and-letting-ourselves-be-seen/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/waking-up-every-day-and-loving-someone-who-may-or-may-not-love-us/) [Brene Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/no-matter-how-separated-we-are-by-what-we-think-and-believe-we-are/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/perfectionism-is-self-destructive-simply-because-there-is-no-such/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/shame-corrodes-the-very-part-of-us-that-believes-we-are-capable-of/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [If you're also in the arena and you're putting your ideas out and you're owning them and you're saying "I disagree with you about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/if-you-re-also-in-the-arena-and-you-re-putting-your-ideas-out-and-you/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience share these four elements: They understand shame and recognize what messages and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-found-that-men-and-women-with-high-levels-of-shame-resilience-share/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/connection-gives-purpose-and-meaning-to-our-lives/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“But here’s the tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple. I have a lot of good…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/but-here-s-the-tricky-part-about-compassion-and-connecting-we-can-t/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“It turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it's the bravest and most sacred place you'll stand.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/it-turns-out-to-be-the-place-of-true-belonging-and-it-s-the-bravest/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) [Explore all 759 Brené Brown quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## More Fear quotes > [This may sound strange, but although I feel like I know everything about my characters, the brand of shampoo they use, how many cavities…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gail-honeyman/this-may-sound-strange-but-although-i-feel-like-i-know-everything/) [Gail Honeyman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gail-honeyman/) > [“That horrible stinging sensation returned, the muscles behind my eyes straining as the first tear began to fall. “I’m scared, too. For eighteen months…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/devon-ashley/that-horrible-stinging-sensation-returned-the-muscles-behind-my-eyes/) [Devon Ashley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/devon-ashley/) > [“...Often that which most we fear births the resolve that spurs us on to altitudes we could not have achieved, had we continued walking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/m-t-anderson/often-that-which-most-we-fear-births-the-resolve-that-spurs-us-on-to/) [M.T. Anderson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/m-t-anderson/) > [What an incredible drug fear is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anne-lamott/what-an-incredible-drug-fear-is/) [Anne Lamott](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anne-lamott/) > [“Anything that you find yourself worrying about regularly may find you suddenly wanting unrealistic changes.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nagisa-tatsumi/anything-that-you-find-yourself-worrying-about-regularly-may-find-you/) [Nagisa Tatsumi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nagisa-tatsumi/) > [“We all know how the thing we secretly fear is not a secret at all but the open and eternal thing that predicts its…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/don-delillo/we-all-know-how-the-thing-we-secretly-fear-is-not-a-secret-at-all-but/) [Don DeLillo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/don-delillo/) > [When you're scared - and I mean really scared, not just hearing a noise in the night, or standing toe to toe with someone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexander-gordon-smith/when-you-re-scared-and-i-mean-really-scared-not-just-hearing-a-noise/) [Alexander Gordon Smith](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexander-gordon-smith/) > [“I had nowhere to go and did not wish to be seen by anyone for fear they would recognize my sadness and so for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/patrick-dewitt/i-had-nowhere-to-go-and-did-not-wish-to-be-seen-by-anyone-for-fear/) [Patrick deWitt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/patrick-dewitt/) > [It's easier to change a law than an age-old mentality. Deep down, many prejudices, many hostilities, many fears persist. But if we take a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dacia-maraini/it-s-easier-to-change-a-law-than-an-age-old-mentality-deep-down-many/) [Dacia Maraini](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dacia-maraini/) > [“Snip off the little worries and expressions of worry” like little branches atop a tall tree.28 If you are truly worried, sharing your concerns…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-sanders/snip-off-the-little-worries-and-expressions-of-worry-like-little/) [Tim Sanders](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-sanders/) > [“Fear and desire for pleasure. Aggressiveness comes out of fear, predominantly, and sexuality predominantly out of the other. But they mix in the middle.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marilyn-french/fear-and-desire-for-pleasure-aggressiveness-comes-out-of-fear/) [Marilyn French](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marilyn-french/) > [“Carrie Fisher. “Stay afraid, but do it anyway.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gabrielle-union/carrie-fisher-stay-afraid-but-do-it-anyway/) [Gabrielle Union](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gabrielle-union/) > [“Yes, the issue was courage. It always had been, even as a kid. Things scared him. He couldn't help it. Noise scared him, dark…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-o-brien/yes-the-issue-was-courage-it-always-had-been-even-as-a-kid-things/) [Tim O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-o-brien/) > [Don't be afraid of hard work. Nothing worthwhile comes easily. Don't let others discourage you or tell you that you can't do it. In…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gertrude-b-elion/don-t-be-afraid-of-hard-work-nothing-worthwhile-comes-easily-don-t/) [Gertrude B. Elion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gertrude-b-elion/) > [Let me tell you that atheism has never painted a masterpiece. Atheism has never dispelled fear. Atheism has never healed a disease; faith in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-hagee/let-me-tell-you-that-atheism-has-never-painted-a-masterpiece-atheism/) [John Hagee](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-hagee/) [Browse all 35,569 Fear quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fear/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.” Covert”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Brené Brown" }, "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged-from-my-research-with-men-we/", "about": { "@type": "Thing", "name": "Fear" }, "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged-from-my-research-with-men-we/#quotation", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/207/bren-brown-280_fear_here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged_2053107.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them…” — Brené Brown", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Brené Brown", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged...", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged-from-my-research-with-men-we/" } ], "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged-from-my-research-with-men-we/#breadcrumb" }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```