--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: But here’s the tricky part about…" description: "\"“But here’s the tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple. I have a lot of good friends, but there a..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e8e/bren-brown-280_compassion_but-here-s-the-tricky-part-about-compass_67139.jpg" --- # But here’s the tricky part about compassion and… ![“But here’s the tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple. I have a lot of good friends, but there are only a handful of people whom I can count on to practice compassion when I’m in the dark shame place. If we share our shame story with the wrong…” quote by Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e8e/bren-brown-280_compassion_but-here-s-the-tricky-part-about-compass_67139.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e8e/bren-brown-280_compassion_but-here-s-the-tricky-part-about-compass_67139.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e8e/bren-brown-280_compassion_but-here-s-the-tricky-part-about-compass_67139.jpg) > ““But here’s the tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple. I have a lot of good friends, but there are only a handful of people whom I can count on to practice compassion when I’m in the dark shame place. If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm. We want solid connection in a situation like this—something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid the following: The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I’ve been there). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: “Oh, you poor thing.” Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy: “Bless your heart.” The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections. You’ve let her down. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: “How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?” Or she looks for someone to blame: “Who was that guy? We’ll kick his ass.” The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: “You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.” The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you: “That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!”” [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. Compassionate connection requires choosing listeners who respond with empathy, not just sympathy or judgment, especially when sharing shame. **In simple terms:** Select empathetic allies for vulnerable sharing. Key Takeaway Empathy protects against shame escalation. Themes vulnerability empathy trust social support shame communication Mood reflective cautious hopeful Type advice observation reflection When to use this quote - confiding in a close friend - seeking support after a failure - discussing personal shame in therapy - navigating a crisis with peers Key Concepts compassion authenticity boundaries emotional safety Practical Applications - building resilient support networks - training in empathetic listening Questions to Reflect On - How can you identify truly empathetic listeners? - What boundaries help maintain safe sharing? A Different Perspective Some argue that any honest listener can help, but without empathy the interaction may reinforce shame rather than alleviate it. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Compassion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/compassion/) [Compassion Connecting](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/compassion-connecting-892153/) [Friendship](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/friendship/) [Good friend](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/good-friend/) [Good friends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/good-friends/) [Practice Compassion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/practice-compassion-892155/) [Sorry Empathy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/sorry-empathy-892156/) [Tricky Compassion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/tricky-compassion-892154/) [Wrong person](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/wrong-person/) ## Related quotes > [We can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-can-t-practice-compassion-with-other-people-if-we-can-t-treat/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/if-we-share-our-shame-story-with-the-wrong-person-they-can-easily/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama/my-message-is-the-practice-of-compassion-love-and-kindness/) [Dalai Lama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama/) > [I try to treat whoever I meet as an old friend. This gives me a genuine feeling of happiness. It is the practice of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama/i-try-to-treat-whoever-i-meet-as-an-old-friend-this-gives-me-a/) [Dalai Lama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama/) > [“Living in society, we must share the suffering of our fellow citizens and practice compassion and tolerance not only toward our loved ones but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama-xiv/living-in-society-we-must-share-the-suffering-of-our-fellow-citizens/) [Dalai Lama XIV](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama-xiv/) > [If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama/if-you-want-others-to-be-happy-practice-compassion-if-you-want-to-be/) [Dalai Lama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama/) > [If we only practice compassion on the mind level, we run a great risk of our compassion being just talk. As we know, talk…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gelek-rimpoche/if-we-only-practice-compassion-on-the-mind-level-we-run-a-great-risk/) [Gelek Rimpoche](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gelek-rimpoche/) > [“As long as we share our stories, as long as our stories reveal our strengths and vulnerabilities to each other, we reinvigorte our understanding…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christina-baldwin/as-long-as-we-share-our-stories-as-long-as-our-stories-reveal-our/) [Christina Baldwin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christina-baldwin/) > [Once we have a firm practice of compassion our state of mind becomes stronger which leads to inner peace, giving rise to self-confidence, which…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama/once-we-have-a-firm-practice-of-compassion-our-state-of-mind-becomes/) [Dalai Lama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama/) > [It's hard to practice compassion when we're struggling with our authenticity or when our own worthiness is off-balance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/it-s-hard-to-practice-compassion-when-we-re-struggling-with-our/) [Brene Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Some people find the experience and practice of compassion as a spiritual discipline to be a more direct route to the transformation of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marcus-borg/some-people-find-the-experience-and-practice-of-compassion-as-a/) [Marcus Borg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marcus-borg/) > [“It seems that scientific research reaches deeper and deeper. But it also seems that more and more people, at least scientists, are beginning to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama-xiv/it-seems-that-scientific-research-reaches-deeper-and-deeper-but-it/) [Dalai Lama XIV](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama-xiv/) > [To the extent that our experience of suffering reminds us of what everyone else also endures, it serves as a powerful inspiration to practice…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama/to-the-extent-that-our-experience-of-suffering-reminds-us-of-what/) [Dalai Lama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama/) > [The nectar of compassion is so wonderful. If you are committed to keeping it alive, then you are protected. What the other person says…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nhat-hanh/the-nectar-of-compassion-is-so-wonderful-if-you-are-committed-to/) [Nhat Hanh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nhat-hanh/) > [Humanity's collective mission in the cosmos lies in the practice of compassion.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daisaku-ikeda/humanity-s-collective-mission-in-the-cosmos-lies-in-the-practice-of/) [Daisaku Ikeda](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daisaku-ikeda/) ## More by Brené Brown > [We're raising children who have little tolerance for disappointment](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-re-raising-children-who-have-little-tolerance-for-disappointment/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“always put off writing by reorganizing my entire house and spending way too much time and money buying office supplies and organizing systems. Every…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/always-put-off-writing-by-reorganizing-my-entire-house-and-spending/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/when-you-ask-people-about-love-they-tell-you-about-heartbreak/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I can recognize shame when it’s happening.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-can-recognize-shame-when-it-s-happening/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-carry-a-small-sheet-of-paper-in-my-wallet-that-has-written-on-it/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/courage-starts-with-showing-up-and-letting-ourselves-be-seen/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/waking-up-every-day-and-loving-someone-who-may-or-may-not-love-us/) [Brene Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/no-matter-how-separated-we-are-by-what-we-think-and-believe-we-are/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/perfectionism-is-self-destructive-simply-because-there-is-no-such/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/shame-corrodes-the-very-part-of-us-that-believes-we-are-capable-of/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [If you're also in the arena and you're putting your ideas out and you're owning them and you're saying "I disagree with you about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/if-you-re-also-in-the-arena-and-you-re-putting-your-ideas-out-and-you/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“I found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience share these four elements: They understand shame and recognize what messages and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/i-found-that-men-and-women-with-high-levels-of-shame-resilience-share/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/connection-gives-purpose-and-meaning-to-our-lives/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [“It turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it's the bravest and most sacred place you'll stand.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/it-turns-out-to-be-the-place-of-true-belonging-and-it-s-the-bravest/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) > [We have become this very fear-based culture, especially post-9/11. Fear is the opposite of love, in my opinion. I think there would be more…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bren-brown/we-have-become-this-very-fear-based-culture-especially-post-9-11-fear/) [Brené Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) [Explore all 759 Brené Brown quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bren-brown/) ## More Compassion quotes > [Half the misery of human life might be extinguished if men would alleviate the general curse they lie under by mutual offices of compassion,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joseph-addison/half-the-misery-of-human-life-might-be-extinguished-if-men-would/) [Joseph Addison](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joseph-addison/) > [“I fight with love and kindness as my weapons and compassion as my defense.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/debasish-mridha/i-fight-with-love-and-kindness-as-my-weapons-and-compassion-as-my/) [Debasish Mridha](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/debasish-mridha/) > [I really enjoy making people laugh; I've discovered that's a great technique. That's as powerful as stirring their sorrow, stirring their compassion, because that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/max-lucado/i-really-enjoy-making-people-laugh-i-ve-discovered-that-s-a-great/) [Max Lucado](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/max-lucado/) > [“If you refuse to use physical force, then you will be at the mercy of your oppressor!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/segun-magbagbeola/if-you-refuse-to-use-physical-force-then-you-will-be-at-the-mercy-of/) [Segun Magbagbeola](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/segun-magbagbeola/) > [For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/geneen-roth/for-some-reason-we-are-truly-convinced-that-if-we-criticize-ourselves/) [Geneen Roth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/geneen-roth/) > [I could not have slept tonight if I had left that helpless little creature to perish on the ground.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/abraham-lincoln/i-could-not-have-slept-tonight-if-i-had-left-that-helpless-little/) [Abraham Lincoln](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/abraham-lincoln/) > [We are puzzled and bewildered whenever we see suffering in this world because we have become accustomed to the mercy and the long-suffering of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/r-c-sproul/we-are-puzzled-and-bewildered-whenever-we-see-suffering-in-this-world/) [R. C. Sproul](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/r-c-sproul/) > [“Helpers in every corner, helpers in every hood. That's how we'll make the move, to reform from rude.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/abhijit-naskar/helpers-in-every-corner-helpers-in-every-hood-that-s-how-we-ll-make/) [Abhijit Naskar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/abhijit-naskar/) > [There are a number of qualities which are important for mental peace, but from the little experience I have, I believe that one of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dalai-lama/there-are-a-number-of-qualities-which-are-important-for-mental-peace/) [Dalai Lama](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dalai-lama/) > [May the gods have mercy on whoever pisses them off, because Zarek and Jericho will have none for them. (Madoc) You’d better be glad…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sherrilyn-kenyon/may-the-gods-have-mercy-on-whoever-pisses-them-off-because-zarek-and/) [Sherrilyn Kenyon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sherrilyn-kenyon/) > [When you need empathy, you cannot give empathy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marshall-b-rosenberg/when-you-need-empathy-you-cannot-give-empathy/) [Marshall B. Rosenberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marshall-b-rosenberg/) > [But victimhood was seductive, a release from responsibility and caring. Fear would be transmuted into weary resignation; failure would no longer generate guilt but,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dean-koontz/but-victimhood-was-seductive-a-release-from-responsibility-and-caring/) [Dean Koontz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dean-koontz/) > [“No one has any right to tell you that the way you perceive yourself is wrong. Because by doing so, they also discourage the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kamand-kojouri/no-one-has-any-right-to-tell-you-that-the-way-you-perceive-yourself/) [Kamand Kojouri](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kamand-kojouri/) > [“la ilaha ilallah muhammadun rasulullah, alaihi salatullah wa alihi wal ahibba "shine your mercy like the sun, and be gracious as the earth let…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/talib-al-habib/la-ilaha-ilallah-muhammadun-rasulullah-alaihi-salatullah-wa-alihi-wal/) [Talib al Habib](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/talib-al-habib/) > [The love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/charles-darwin/the-love-for-all-living-creatures-is-the-most-noble-attribute-of-man/) [Charles Darwin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/charles-darwin/) [Browse all 9,892 Compassion quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/compassion/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“But here’s the tricky part about compassion and connecting: We can’t call just anyone. It’s not that simple. I have a lot of good friends, but there are only a handful of people whom I can count on to practice compassion when I’m in the dark shame place. If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm. We want solid connection in a situation like this—something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid the following: The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I’ve been there). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: “Oh, you poor thing.” Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy: “Bless your heart.” The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections. You’ve let her down. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: “How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?” Or she looks for someone to blame: “Who was that guy? We’ll kick his ass.” The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: “You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad. You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.” The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you: “That’s nothing. 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