--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: By the time we grow up we become masters…" description: "\"“By the time we grow up we become masters at dissimulation, at cultivating a self that the world cannot probe. But we pay a price. After years of turni..." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/705/becker-ernest-86902_different-world_by-the-time-we-grow-up-we-become-masters_1516321.jpg" --- # By the time we grow up we become masters at dissimulation… ![“By the time we grow up we become masters at dissimulation, at cultivating a self that the world cannot probe. But we pay a price. After years of turning people away, of protecting our inner self, of cultivating it by living in a different world, of furnishing this world with our fantasies and…” quote by Becker Ernest](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/705/becker-ernest-86902_different-world_by-the-time-we-grow-up-we-become-masters_1516321.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/705/becker-ernest-86902_different-world_by-the-time-we-grow-up-we-become-masters_1516321.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/705/becker-ernest-86902_different-world_by-the-time-we-grow-up-we-become-masters_1516321.jpg) > ““By the time we grow up we become masters at dissimulation, at cultivating a self that the world cannot probe. But we pay a price. After years of turning people away, of protecting our inner self, of cultivating it by living in a different world, of furnishing this world with our fantasies and dreams—lo and behold we find that we are hopelessly separated from everyone else. We have become victims of our own art. We touch people on the outsides of their bodies, and they us, but we cannot get at their insides and cannot reveal our insides to them. This is one of the great tragedies of our interiority—it is utterly personal and unrevealable. Often we want to say something unusually intimate to a spouse, a parent, a friend, communicate something of how we are really feeling about a sunset, who we really feel we are—only to fall strangely and miserably flat. Once in a great while we succeed, sometimes more with one person, less or never with others. But the occasional break-through only proves the rule. You reach out with a disclosure, fail, and fall back bitterly into yourself. We emit huge globs of love to our parents and spouses, and the glob slithers away in exchange of words that are somehow beside the point of what we are trying to say. People seem to keep bumping up against each other with their exteriors and falling away from each other. The cartoonist Jules Feiffer is the modern master of this aspect of the human tragedy. Take even the sexual act—the most intimate merger given to organisms. For most people, even for their entire lives, it is simply a joining of exteriors. The insides melt only in the moment of orgasm, but even this is brief, and a melting is not a communication. It is a physical overcoming of separateness, not a symbolic revelation and justification of one’s interior. many people pursue sex precisely because it is a mystique of the overcoming of the separateness of the inner world, and they go from one partner to another because they can never quite achieve “it." So the endless interrogations: “What are you thinking about right now—me? Do you feel what I feel? Do you love me?”” Becker Ernest ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. People construct protective personas, creating emotional distance that hinders genuine intimacy and self‑disclosure. **In simple terms:** We hide our true selves, preventing deep connections. Key Takeaway Seek authentic self‑expression. Themes intimacy self‑disclosure psychology tragedy human condition Mood reflective melancholic Type philosophical inspirational When to use this quote - therapy sessions - close relationships - artistic expression - personal journaling Key Concepts defense mechanisms inner vs. outer self communication barriers Questions to Reflect On - What fears drive your self‑protective masks? - Can vulnerability be cultivated safely? A Different Perspective True intimacy may be impossible for many. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Identity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/identity/) [Inner self](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/inner-self/) [Inner world](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/inner-world/) [Time](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/time/) ## Related quotes > [“We have become victims of our own art. We touch people on the outsides of their bodies, and they us, but we cannot get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ernest-becker/we-have-become-victims-of-our-own-art-we-touch-people-on-the-outsides/) [Ernest Becker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ernest-becker/) > [Also in contemporary Western society the union with the group is the prevalent way of overcoming separateness. It is a union which the individual…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erich-fromm/also-in-contemporary-western-society-the-union-with-the-group-is-the/) [Erich Fromm](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erich-fromm/) > [“Rituals can be reliable safeguards, but plot twists in the theatre of our life should not freak us out. If we are willing to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erik-pevernagie/rituals-can-be-reliable-safeguards-but-plot-twists-in-the-theatre-of/) [Erik Pevernagie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erik-pevernagie/) > [“Enjoy the peace of Nature and declutter your inner world.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/amit-ray/enjoy-the-peace-of-nature-and-declutter-your-inner-world/) [Amit Ray](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/amit-ray/) > [“It is impossible to grasp another human's inner world. But even in the darkness of the densest forest, there can always be the light…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/krupakar/it-is-impossible-to-grasp-another-human-s-inner-world-but-even-in-the/) Krupakar > [“I’ve figured it out, something that was never clear to me before–how all creation transposes itself out of the world deeper and deeper into…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rainer-maria-rilke/i-ve-figured-it-out-something-that-was-never-clear-to-me-before-how/) [Rainer Maria Rilke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rainer-maria-rilke/) > [“The key experiential approach I now use to induce non-ordinary states of consciousness and gain access to the unconscious and superconscious psyche is Holotropic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stanislav-grof/the-key-experiential-approach-i-now-use-to-induce-non-ordinary-states/) [Stanislav Grof](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stanislav-grof/) > [“If the vibrant and frolicking merry-go-round of our daily living has been ousted by an eerie void of an intractable vacuum, only inspiriting memories…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erik-pevernagie/if-the-vibrant-and-frolicking-merry-go-round-of-our-daily-living-has/) [Erik Pevernagie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erik-pevernagie/) > [“And I don't want to live like a fleeting shadow, a consumptive, no. I want to live genuinely, with the true warmth and in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hermann-hesse/and-i-don-t-want-to-live-like-a-fleeting-shadow-a-consumptive-no-i/) [Hermann Hesse](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hermann-hesse/) > [The modern artist... is working and expressing an inner world - in other words - expressing the energy, the motion, and other inner forces.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jackson-pollock/the-modern-artist-is-working-and-expressing-an-inner-world-in-other/) [Jackson Pollock](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jackson-pollock/) > [When you dream you are creating the future, your inner world. By the time you finish this book, you will have a deeper understanding…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ruben-papian/when-you-dream-you-are-creating-the-future-your-inner-world-by-the/) [Ruben Papian](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ruben-papian/) > [Feelings and thoughts do not define who we are; they are just part of the weather of our inner world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-daishin-buksbazen/feelings-and-thoughts-do-not-define-who-we-are-they-are-just-part-of/) [John Daishin Buksbazen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-daishin-buksbazen/) > [Half of humanity has been accepting the inner world but denying the outer world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rajneesh/half-of-humanity-has-been-accepting-the-inner-world-but-denying-the/) [Rajneesh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rajneesh/) > [All ballet, all reading, all music. That was my world, my inner world,](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/natalia-makarova/all-ballet-all-reading-all-music-that-was-my-world-my-inner-world/) [Natalia Makarova](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/natalia-makarova/) > [“Her silent singing wrapped around the story she was telling herself, which she extended further every night on the deck. (Averill often told herself…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alice-munro/her-silent-singing-wrapped-around-the-story-she-was-telling-herself/) [Alice Munro](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alice-munro/) ## More by Becker Ernest > [“The only thing we accomplish by accenting the child’s constitution, his temperament, his natural dilemmas and his own synthesizing activity, is to take the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/becker-ernest/the-only-thing-we-accomplish-by-accenting-the-child-s-constitution/) Becker Ernest > [“Try repeating “man is an animal" a few times, just to notice how unconvincing it sounds. There seems to be no way to get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/becker-ernest/try-repeating-man-is-an-animal-a-few-times-just-to-notice-how/) Becker Ernest Explore all 3 Becker Ernest quotes ## More Different world quotes > [Freedom in every sense but primarily political sense, a rise in repression that stems from a repression of sexuality. It's AIDS, it's herpes, it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-nicholson/freedom-in-every-sense-but-primarily-political-sense-a-rise-in/) [Jack Nicholson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-nicholson/) > [“At least when I'm sleeping I can dream myself back to Alex, can dream myself into a different world.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lauren-oliver/at-least-when-i-m-sleeping-i-can-dream-myself-back-to-alex-can-dream/) [Lauren Oliver](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lauren-oliver/) > [I think dressing up or down should be a creative experience. Exciting. Fun. For me the key to personal style lies in accessories. 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Blue suede shoes and sideburns, man.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bobby-keys/when-i-talk-about-rock-n-roll-to-me-that-goes-back-to-the-beginning/) [Bobby Keys](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bobby-keys/) > [Rene Char wrote somewhere, apropos poetry, that there are those who create and those who discover; they are too completely different worlds. Photograph also…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/henri-cartier-bresson/rene-char-wrote-somewhere-apropos-poetry-that-there-are-those-who/) [Henri Cartier-Bresson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/henri-cartier-bresson/) > [“We don't have a lot of choice about the world we live in. But we do have choices about our world-view. ... 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But we pay a price. After years of turning people away, of protecting our inner self, of cultivating it by living in a different world, of furnishing this world with our fantasies and dreams—lo and behold we find that we are hopelessly separated from everyone else. We have become victims of our own art. We touch people on the outsides of their bodies, and they us, but we cannot get at their insides and cannot reveal our insides to them. This is one of the great tragedies of our interiority—it is utterly personal and unrevealable. Often we want to say something unusually intimate to a spouse, a parent, a friend, communicate something of how we are really feeling about a sunset, who we really feel we are—only to fall strangely and miserably flat. Once in a great while we succeed, sometimes more with one person, less or never with others. But the occasional break-through only proves the rule. You reach out with a disclosure, fail, and fall back bitterly into yourself. 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