---
title: "Best Lenny Bruce Quotes"
description: "Lenny Bruce, born Leonard Alfred Schneider, was an American stand‑up comedian, social critic and satirist known for his bold, satirical style."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b015/author-lenny-bruce-59530.jpg"
---

![Portrait of Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b015/author-lenny-bruce-59530.jpg)

# Lenny Bruce

(1925–1966)   Writer   United States

 **112** quotes in **593** categories

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Lenny Bruce was a writer from the United States, best known for *The essential Lenny Bruce*.

## Quick Facts About Lenny Bruce

Born October 13, 1925

Died August 3, 1966

Nationality United States

Profession Writer

Notable works The essential Lenny Bruce

Spouse Honey Harlow

## About Lenny Bruce

Bruce’s comedy mixed satire, politics, religion, sex and vulgarity, pushing the limits of free speech. He was convicted of obscenity in 1964, a decision that was later overturned when he received a posthumous pardon in 2003.

##  Quotes by Lenny Bruce · Page 2

> [Communism is just one big telephone company.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/communism-is-just-one-big-telephone-company/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Bigs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bigs/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff5/lenny-bruce-4320_bigs_communism-is-just-one-big-telephone-comp_2130447.jpg)

> [Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/miami-beach-is-where-neon-goes-to-die/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Beach](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/beach/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/76a/lenny-bruce-4320_beach_miami-beach-is-where-neon-goes-to-die-18_1867225.jpg)

> [I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-m-not-a-comedian-i-m-lenny-bruce/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bruce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd6/lenny-bruce-4320_comedian_i-m-not-a-comedian-i-m-lenny-bruce-22332_2233280.jpg)

> [Satire is tragedy plus time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/satire-is-tragedy-plus-time/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Human nature](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/human-nature/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed8/lenny-bruce-4320_human-nature_satire-is-tragedy-plus-time-2757541_2757541.jpg)

> [If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/if-there-was-absolute-freedom-people-would-run-over-babies-and-charge/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Absolute freedom](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/absolute-freedom/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/869/lenny-bruce-4320_absolute-freedom_if-there-was-absolute-freedom-people-wou_2925410.jpg)

> [My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/my-mother-in-law-broke-up-my-marriage-my-wife-came-home-from-work-one/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Bed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bed/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d97/lenny-bruce-4320_bed_my-mother-in-law-broke-up-my-marriage-my_2544256.jpg)

> [I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-think-it-s-about-time-we-gave-up-religion-and-got-back-to-god/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Gave up](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/gave-up/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/358/lenny-bruce-4320_gave-up_i-think-it-s-about-time-we-gave-up-relig_102300.jpg)

> [Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/alright-let-s-admit-it-we-jews-killed-christ-but-it-was-only-for/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Alright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/alright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b52/lenny-bruce-4320_alright_alright-let-s-admit-it-we-jews-killed-ch_118700.jpg)

> [The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/the-only-truly-anonymous-donor-is-the-guy-who-knocks-up-your-daughter/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/509/lenny-bruce-4320_children_the-only-truly-anonymous-donor-is-the-gu_1169496.jpg)

> [The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/the-role-of-a-comedian-is-to-make-the-audience-laugh-at-a-minimum-of/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Audience](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/audience/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c48/lenny-bruce-4320_audience_the-role-of-a-comedian-is-to-make-the-au_312232.jpg)

> [If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/if-i-get-busted-in-new-york-the-freest-city-in-the-world-that-will-be/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Busted](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/busted/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/688/lenny-bruce-4320_busted_if-i-get-busted-in-new-york-the-freest-c_369506.jpg)

> [Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/once-you-sleep-on-feathers-you-can-t-go-back-to-sleeping-on-the-floor/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Feathers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/feathers/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94e/lenny-bruce-4320_feathers_once-you-sleep-on-feathers-you-can-t-go_1363567.jpg)

> [When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/when-earth-gets-good-and-crowded-like-15th-century-england-then-some/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Century](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/century/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/753/lenny-bruce-4320_century_when-earth-gets-good-and-crowded-like-15_1254254.jpg)

> [I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-was-surprised-when-nixon-passed-the-test-and-showed-up-in-heaven/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Century](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/century/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e93/lenny-bruce-4320_century_i-was-surprised-when-nixon-passed-the-te_1790045.jpg)

> [I was a Jew talking about Goyim religion. If I had just stuck to Moses, everything would have been cool. But, copping…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-was-a-jew-talking-about-goyim-religion-if-i-had-just-stuck-to-moses/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Christ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/christ/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f61/lenny-bruce-4320_christ_i-was-a-jew-talking-about-goyim-religion_412154.jpg)

> [Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/every-tribe-needs-a-good-front-man-to-sell-the-program-who-better-to/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/brown/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c7/lenny-bruce-4320_brown_every-tribe-needs-a-good-front-man-to-se_2069218.jpg)

> [I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-won-t-say-ours-was-a-tough-school-but-we-had-our-own-coroner-we/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Coroner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/coroner/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d5/lenny-bruce-4320_coroner_i-won-t-say-ours-was-a-tough-school-but_284390.jpg)

> [I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-m-not-a-comedian-and-i-m-not-sick-the-world-is-sick-and-i-m-the/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Comedian](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedian/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0af/lenny-bruce-4320_comedian_i-m-not-a-comedian-and-i-m-not-sick-the_1294392.jpg)

> [You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/you-got-to-pay-your-dues-to-get-the-joke-besides-laughter-is-cheap/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Blame](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/blame/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20b/lenny-bruce-4320_blame_you-got-to-pay-your-dues-to-get-the-joke_2385239.jpg)

> [Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/trying-to-figure-things-out-was-my-gig-without-the-human-condition/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Conditions](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/conditions/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79c/lenny-bruce-4320_conditions_trying-to-figure-things-out-was-my-gig-w_406653.jpg)

> [I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-would-become-a-priest-or-a-rabbi-or-a-monk-or-whatever-the-hell-was/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Funny](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e04/lenny-bruce-4320_funny_i-would-become-a-priest-or-a-rabbi-or-a_2894387.jpg)

> [I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-would-be-with-a-bunch-of-kennedy-fans-watching-the-debate-and-their/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Apartment](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/apartment/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a94/lenny-bruce-4320_apartment_i-would-be-with-a-bunch-of-kennedy-fans_100559.jpg)

> [Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/part-of-the-kick-of-making-people-laugh-was-doing-something-different/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Abdominals](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/abdominals/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f7/lenny-bruce-4320_abdominals_part-of-the-kick-of-making-people-laugh_2647292.jpg)

> [“…Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises and they give all these people different franchises in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/catholicism-is-like-howard-johnson-and-what-they-have-are-these/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Areas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/areas/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a9a/lenny-bruce-4320_areas_catholicism-is-like-howard-johnson-and-w_3201264.jpg)

> [Marijuana is rejected all over the world. Damned. In England heroin is alright for out-patents, but marijuana? They'll put your ass in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/marijuana-is-rejected-all-over-the-world-damned-in-england-heroin-is/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Alright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/alright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d61/lenny-bruce-4320_alright_marijuana-is-rejected-all-over-the-world_2463624.jpg)

> [The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/the-thing-with-catholicism-the-same-as-all-religions-is-that-it/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Casts](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/casts/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5b3/lenny-bruce-4320_casts_the-thing-with-catholicism-the-same-as-a_2278479.jpg)

> [“Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/liberals-can-understand-everything-but-people-who-don-t-understand/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Europe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/europe/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42d/lenny-bruce-4320_europe_liberals-can-understand-everything-but-p_370908.jpg)

> [What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/what-you-end-up-with-is-outrageousness-without-the-laugh-comedy-as/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Comedy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e1/lenny-bruce-4320_comedy_what-you-end-up-with-is-outrageousness-w_1847291.jpg)

> [Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/anyone-who-has-two-shirts-when-someone-has-none-is-not-a-christian/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Christian](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/christian/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd8/lenny-bruce-4320_christian_anyone-who-has-two-shirts-when-someone-h_1261047.jpg)

> [In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/in-the-halls-of-justice-the-only-justice-is-in-the-halls/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Halls](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/halls/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/beb/lenny-bruce-4320_halls_in-the-halls-of-justice-the-only-justice_2626447.jpg)

> [You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/you-put-a-guy-on-a-desert-island-he-ll-do-it-to-mud-a-chicken-a/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Barrels](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/barrels/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/329/lenny-bruce-4320_barrels_you-put-a-guy-on-a-desert-island-he-ll-d_3100179.jpg)

> [You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/you-can-t-just-run-out-and-start-the-car-until-some-cat-invents-a-car/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Car](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/car/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9e4/lenny-bruce-4320_car_you-can-t-just-run-out-and-start-the-car_1663991.jpg)

> [When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/when-you-re-eight-years-old-nothing-is-any-of-your-business/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Business](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/business/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7eb/lenny-bruce-4320_business_when-you-re-eight-years-old-nothing-is-a_1416306.jpg)

> [Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/guys-are-like-dogs-they-keep-comin-back-ladies-are-like-cats-yell-at/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Cat](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cat/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/00e/lenny-bruce-4320_cat_guys-are-like-dogs-they-keep-comin-back_1515238.jpg)

> [You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/you-know-there-s-no-crooked-politicians-there-s-never-a-lie-because/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Crooked](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/crooked/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/797/lenny-bruce-4320_crooked_you-know-there-s-no-crooked-politicians_463825.jpg)

> [The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/the-only-honest-art-form-is-laughter-comedy-you-can-t-fake-it/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Art](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/art/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92a/lenny-bruce-4320_art_the-only-honest-art-form-is-laughter-com_886820.jpg)

> [“I was not born in a vacuum. Every thought I have belongs to someone else.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/i-was-not-born-in-a-vacuum-every-thought-i-have-belongs-to-someone/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Belongs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/belongs/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06b/lenny-bruce-4320_belongs_i-was-not-born-in-a-vacuum-every-thought_3010919.jpg)

> [“People are leaving the church and going back to God.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/people-are-leaving-the-church-and-going-back-to-god/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Leaving](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/leaving/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a8/lenny-bruce-4320_leaving_people-are-leaving-the-church-and-going_244041.jpg)

> [The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/the-liberals-can-understand-everything-but-people-who-don-t/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Europe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/europe/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f99/lenny-bruce-4320_funny_the-liberals-can-understand-everything-b_1636621.jpg)

> [It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lenny-bruce/it-s-the-suppression-of-the-word-that-gives-it-the-power-the-violence/)

[Lenny Bruce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lenny-bruce/)

[Giving](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/giving/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b21/lenny-bruce-4320_giving_it-s-the-suppression-of-the-word-that-gi_834698.jpg)

## Lenny Bruce by topic

[Ifs (16)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/lenny-bruce/) [People (13)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/people/lenny-bruce/) [Comedy (13)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/lenny-bruce/)

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