---
title: "Best Jen Lancaster Quotes"
description: "Jennifer (\"Jen\") Lancaster is an American author whose titles have appeared on The New York Times Best Seller list. Browse 99 Jen Lancaster quotes."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b190/author-jen-lancaster-6189.jpg"
---

![Portrait of Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b190/author-jen-lancaster-6189.jpg)

# Jen Lancaster

(1967)   Writer   United States

 **99** quotes in **463** categories

Rate this collection:  ★ ★ ★ ★ ★   No ratings yet

Jen Lancaster is a writer from the United States.

## Quick Facts About Jen Lancaster

Born November 5, 1967

Nationality United States

Profession Writer

Notable works My fair lazy: one reality television addict's attempt to find out if not being a dumb ass is the new black, or a culture-up manifesto

## About Jen Lancaster

Jennifer ("Jen") Lancaster is an American author whose titles have appeared on The New York Times Best Seller list.

##  Quotes by Jen Lancaster · Page 2

> [Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/ambien-might-have-mentally-just-tossed-my-salad-with-croutons/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Food](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/food/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/463/jen-lancaster-6189_food_ambien-might-have-mentally-just-tossed-m_1345791.png)

> [“Cake loves you unconditionally.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/cake-loves-you-unconditionally/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/18d/jen-lancaster-6189_cake_cake-loves-you-unconditionally-1781543_1781543.png)

> [I think people tend to be very myopic and they don't understand how their actions impact others.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-think-people-tend-to-be-very-myopic-and-they-don-t-understand-how/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Actions](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/actions/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/372/jen-lancaster-6189_actions_i-think-people-tend-to-be-very-myopic-an_702103.png)

> [“Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/yeah-i-m-over-forty-flighty-and-fluffy-i-d-say-i-m-not-ideal-bouncer/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Humor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e79/jen-lancaster-6189_humor_yeah-i-m-over-forty-flighty-and-fluffy-i_377132.png)

> [No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/no-matter-how-happy-anyone-is-with-their-choices-i-believe-it-s-human/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c2/jen-lancaster-6189_believe_no-matter-how-happy-anyone-is-with-their_1147340.png)

> [Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/some-people-are-destined-to-be-deep-thinkers-i-am-not-one-of-those/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abf/jen-lancaster-6189_deep_some-people-are-destined-to-be-deep-thin_2916979.png)

> [I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-m-a-humor-writer-so-i-don-t-always-present-myself-in-the-best-light/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Comedy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b7/jen-lancaster-6189_comedy_i-m-a-humor-writer-so-i-don-t-always-pre_1672257.png)

> [Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/maybe-i-ve-moved-to-the-dark-side-but-it-s-clean-and-nice-and-we/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bf/jen-lancaster-6189_clean_maybe-i-ve-moved-to-the-dark-side-but-it_3178472.png)

> [Expressing political opinion can be a powerful way to establish a character's voice when writing fiction.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/expressing-political-opinion-can-be-a-powerful-way-to-establish-a/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Character](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/character/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jen-lancaster-6189_character_expressing-political-opinion-can-be-a-po_1566067.png)

> [I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-yearn-to-be-a-woman-of-more-depth-but-i-m-not-so-fond-of-the-path-i/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Depth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/depth/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0e/jen-lancaster-6189_depth_i-yearn-to-be-a-woman-of-more-depth-but_362433.png)

> [Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/despite-my-best-efforts-i-m-not-quite-perfect-let-s-just-say-i-m-like/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af7/jen-lancaster-6189_affront_despite-my-best-efforts-i-m-not-quite-pe_86993.png)

> [“You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/you-know-what-we-need-a-recession-in-this-country-because-that-would/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ba9/jen-lancaster-6189_bitter_you-know-what-we-need-a-recession-in-thi_615730.png)

> [As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/as-i-examine-my-life-through-this-book-i-can-t-help-but-wonder-if-my/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Book](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/book/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a35/jen-lancaster-6189_book_as-i-examine-my-life-through-this-book-i_2546020.png)

> [“Hell hath no fury like a middle-aged woman in a fuzzy pink robe, hopped up on a winning combination of allergy medicine,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-middle-aged-woman-in-a-fuzzy-pink-robe/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Anger](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/anger/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/250/jen-lancaster-6189_anger_hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-middle-aged-wom_2578430.png)

> [“If you're in the midst of a midlife crisis, you could buy a convertible, have an affair, or upgrade your cup size.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/if-you-re-in-the-midst-of-a-midlife-crisis-you-could-buy-a/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Animal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/animal/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/98c/jen-lancaster-6189_animal_if-you-re-in-the-midst-of-a-midlife-cris_1840065.jpg)

> [“But there's always a chance she's hiding a flask and a Nixon-esque Enemies List in her pinafore apron, which is exactly why…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/but-there-s-always-a-chance-she-s-hiding-a-flask-and-a-nixon-esque/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Friend](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/friend/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/506/jen-lancaster-6189_friend_but-there-s-always-a-chance-she-s-hiding_281898.png)

> [Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/amen-i-exclaim-accidentally-spitting-out-a-raisinet-i-pick-up-the/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Amen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/amen/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/99d/jen-lancaster-6189_amen_amen-i-exclaim-accidentally-spitting-out_1840345.png)

> [“Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200. Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185. Cost to fix every single delicious…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/cost-to-clean-deeply-soiled-rugs-200-cost-to-replace-shiny-black/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Humor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/321/jen-lancaster-6189_humor_cost-to-clean-deeply-soiled-rugs-200-cos_290817.jpg)

> [I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-m-busy-sorting-through-our-new-collection-of-rhinestone-jewelry/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78c/jen-lancaster-6189_accessories_i-m-busy-sorting-through-our-new-collect_2031708.jpg)

> [“Presently, Mary Mac—that’s what we call her for short—has churned out more kids than I can count. It’s like she’s a hoarder,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/presently-mary-mac-that-s-what-we-call-her-for-short-has-churned-out/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Children](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/children/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/145/jen-lancaster-6189_children_presently-mary-mac-that-s-what-we-call-h_2038292.jpg)

> [Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/quinn-cummings-is-a-master-story-teller-and-her-book-is-nothing-short/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Book](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/book/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/76c/jen-lancaster-6189_book_quinn-cummings-is-a-master-story-teller_2815701.png)

> [“I have to pause the video while I corral the dogs in the other room. They howl in protest, and I tell…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-have-to-pause-the-video-while-i-corral-the-dogs-in-the-other-room/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Life](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/life/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d49/jen-lancaster-6189_life_i-have-to-pause-the-video-while-i-corral_1250665.jpg)

> [The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/the-best-thing-about-being-45-is-not-taking-myself-so-seriously-do-i/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Best things](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/best-things/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/jen-lancaster-6189_best-things_the-best-thing-about-being-45-is-not-tak_2826331.png)

> [“You know why I love HGTV? It's not just that I get a peek into other people's lives. It's that everyone's always…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/you-know-why-i-love-hgtv-it-s-not-just-that-i-get-a-peek-into-other/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[End result](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/end-result/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27b/jen-lancaster-6189_end-result_you-know-why-i-love-hgtv-it-s-not-just-t_336298.jpg)

> [Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/although-i-get-a-lot-of-specialty-services-like-wraps-scrubs-and/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/477/jen-lancaster-6189_chairs_although-i-get-a-lot-of-specialty-servic_1784182.jpg)

> [I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-never-ever-ever-say-anything-against-my-husband-to-anyone-except-my/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/986/jen-lancaster-6189_bother_i-never-ever-ever-say-anything-against-m_43304.jpg)

> [“I HAVE to stay here. I simply have to. To be honest, too much of my identity comes from possessing this space.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-have-to-stay-here-i-simply-have-to-to-be-honest-too-much-of-my/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a09/jen-lancaster-6189_apartment_i-have-to-stay-here-i-simply-have-to-to_3026027.jpg)

> [“donut can give you the kind of hug from inside that celery just can’t muster.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/donut-can-give-you-the-kind-of-hug-from-inside-that-celery-just-can-t/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Donut](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/donut/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbd/jen-lancaster-6189_donut_donut-can-give-you-the-kind-of-hug-from_24394.png)

> [I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-m-such-a-fangirl-when-it-comes-to-other-writers-i-read-250-books-a/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Book](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/book/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/756/jen-lancaster-6189_book_i-m-such-a-fangirl-when-it-comes-to-othe_2481422.png)

> [You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/you-know-what-it-was-like-it-was-like-thinking-i-was-heading-to-a/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Fitness](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fitness/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd3/jen-lancaster-6189_fitness_you-know-what-it-was-like-it-was-like-th_274042.png)

> [I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-still-believe-in-the-holy-trinity-except-now-it-s-target-trader-joe/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/516/jen-lancaster-6189_believe_i-still-believe-in-the-holy-trinity-exce_2678969.png)

> [“Forgive the cliche, but friends are truly the family you choose.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/forgive-the-cliche-but-friends-are-truly-the-family-you-choose/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Family](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/family/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70e/jen-lancaster-6189_family_forgive-the-cliche-but-friends-are-truly_1380311.png)

> [I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-never-sleep-on-the-plane-i-have-to-be-awake-and-using-my-mind-power/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d69/jen-lancaster-6189_air_i-never-sleep-on-the-plane-i-have-to-be_373487.png)

> [“I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out in New Year's Eve.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-would-rather-receive-a-pap-smear-from-captain-hook-than-venture-out/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Smear](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/smear/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/927/jen-lancaster-6189_smear_i-would-rather-receive-a-pap-smear-from_2015782.png)

> [I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-m-the-person-who-says-every-single-thing-she-thinks-sometimes-to/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Amusement](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/amusement/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/jen-lancaster-6189_amusement_i-m-the-person-who-says-every-single-thi_2453862.png)

> [Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/were-i-forced-to-describe-this-woman-in-one-word-that-word-would-be/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a3/jen-lancaster-6189_herpes_were-i-forced-to-describe-this-woman-in_1402788.png)

> [I think people tend to be very myopic and they dont understand how their actions impact others.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-think-people-tend-to-be-very-myopic-and-they-dont-understand-how/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Action](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/action/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04a/jen-lancaster-6189_action_i-think-people-tend-to-be-very-myopic-an_1876092.png)

> [No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/no-it-s-not-a-corpse-thing-i-feel-i-lack-the-emotional-capacity-to/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0bd/jen-lancaster-6189_capacity_no-it-s-not-a-corpse-thing-i-feel-i-lack_1776931.png)

> [Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/point-maybe-you-aren-t-a-carrie-or-a-samantha-or-a-charlotte-or-a/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cdd/jen-lancaster-6189_charlotte_point-maybe-you-aren-t-a-carrie-or-a-sam_2572976.png)

> [I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-ve-always-been-able-to-cook-italian-food-that-s-in-my-blood-because/)

[Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c45/jen-lancaster-6189_able_i-ve-always-been-able-to-cook-italian-fo_1696472.png)

## Jen Lancaster by topic

[Humor (13)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/jen-lancaster/) [Life (12)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/life/jen-lancaster/)

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                        "text": "Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.",
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                        "text": "“You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.”",
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                        "text": "As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.",
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                        "text": "“Hell hath no fury like a middle-aged woman in a fuzzy pink robe, hopped up on a winning combination of allergy medicine, Alias reruns, and anger.”",
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                        "text": "“But there's always a chance she's hiding a flask and a Nixon-esque Enemies List in her pinafore apron, which is exactly why we're such good friends.”",
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                        "text": "Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.",
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                        "text": "“Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200. Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185. Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490. Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless.”",
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                        "text": "I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.",
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                        "text": "“Presently, Mary Mac—that’s what we call her for short—has churned out more kids than I can count. It’s like she’s a hoarder, only for children. In terms of personal achievement, she’s pretty much the patron saint of minivans and stretch marks. What is that meme I’ve seen about the prolific 19 Kids and Counting mother? Ah, yes, “It’s a vagina, not a clown car.” Add one persecution complex, stir, and, boom! Meet my older sister.”",
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                        "text": "Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.",
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                        "text": "“I have to pause the video while I corral the dogs in the other room. They howl in protest, and I tell them they are harshing my mellow and Yogi Beef Jerky’s going to be pissed.\" Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer”",
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                        "text": "The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better.",
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                        "text": "“You know why I love HGTV? It's not just that I get a peek into other people's lives. It's that everyone's always thrilled with the end result, whether they're redecorating an unfortunate room, selling a house, or cleaning up another contractor's mess. I love for a happy ending, and HGTV is perpetually upbeat and optimistic. The shows are all about problem solving, not drama creating.”",
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                        "text": "Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.",
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                        "text": "I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.",
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                        "text": "“I HAVE to stay here. I simply have to. To be honest, too much of my identity comes from possessing this space. As my job used to define me, living here’s all I have left. This apartment makes it OK that I can’t buy Prada’s newest anymore. I can be content going on lousy interviews and begging for positions that pay half of what I used to earn as long as I know at the end of the day my glorious penthouse awaits. The minute I climb into my Jacuzzi tub, all the day’s unpleasantness is rinsed down the drain. When I step onto my deck and survey the city, I feel like anything is possible. This apartment keeps me centered; it keeps me sane. Without this place, I’m just another nobody from Indiana with a worthless state college degree. Before”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“donut can give you the kind of hug from inside that celery just can’t muster.”",
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                        "text": "I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.",
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                        "text": "You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.",
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                        "text": "I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.",
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                        "text": "“Forgive the cliche, but friends are truly the family you choose.”",
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                        "text": "I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air",
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