--- title: "99 Jen Lancaster Quotes - Famous Writer" description: "Jen Lancaster quotes on humor, imperfection, and quirky life moments." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b190/author-jen-lancaster-6189.jpg" --- ![Portrait of Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b190/author-jen-lancaster-6189.jpg) # Jen Lancaster (1967) Writer United States **99** quotes in **463** categories Jen Lancaster jokes that a donut can give you a hug from the inside, something celery can’t. She admits she’s not perfect and compares herself to a blanket with a tiny flaw. She also shares funny moments like mistaking a surprise party for a surprise pap smear. Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet Jen Lancaster is a writer from the United States. ## Quick Facts About Jen Lancaster Born November 5, 1967 Nationality United States Profession Writer Notable works My fair lazy: one reality television addict's attempt to find out if not being a dumb ass is the new black, or a culture-up manifesto ## About Jen Lancaster Jennifer ("Jen") Lancaster is an American author whose titles have appeared on The New York Times Best Seller list. ## Quotes by Jen Lancaster > [I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-tried-it-was-hard-i-quit-the-end-story-of-my-life/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Ends](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ends/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68b/jen-lancaster-6189_ends_i-tried-it-was-hard-i-quit-the-end-story_602268.png) > [“Kiss the fattest part of my ass”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/kiss-the-fattest-part-of-my-ass/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Kiss](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/kiss/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a9/jen-lancaster-6189_kiss_kiss-the-fattest-part-of-my-ass-2119563_2119563.png) > [The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/the-best-thing-about-being-45-is-not-taking-myself-so-seriously/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Age](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/age/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d79/jen-lancaster-6189_age_the-best-thing-about-being-45-is-not-tak_2994081.png) > [I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-m-not-lazy-i-m-simply-judicious-about-excess-movement/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Excess](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/excess/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/873/jen-lancaster-6189_excess_i-m-not-lazy-i-m-simply-judicious-about_2741869.png) > [I believe that I have such a vanilla life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-believe-that-i-have-such-a-vanilla-life/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Believe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/believe/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d9/jen-lancaster-6189_believe_i-believe-that-i-have-such-a-vanilla-lif_3056258.png) > [Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/everyone-who-reads-me-is-someone-i-d-like-to-hang-out-with/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Fear](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fear/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f18/jen-lancaster-6189_fear_everyone-who-reads-me-is-someone-i-d-lik_1911545.png) > [“In other words? The bitch had it coming. And I am that bitch.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/in-other-words-the-bitch-had-it-coming-and-i-am-that-bitch/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Bitch](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bitch/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/25c/jen-lancaster-6189_bitch_in-other-words-the-bitch-had-it-coming-a_2539747.png) > [You think you're so cool just because you can walk!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/you-think-you-re-so-cool-just-because-you-can-walk/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Cool](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cool/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/711/jen-lancaster-6189_cool_you-think-you-re-so-cool-just-because-yo_1177215.png) > [In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/in-real-life-i-tend-to-yell-at-people-a-lot-not-because-i-m-bossy-or/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Bossy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bossy/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/jen-lancaster-6189_bossy_in-real-life-i-tend-to-yell-at-people-a_1771300.png) > [Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/fortunately-all-it-takes-for-us-to-be-of-one-mind-is-some-buttercream/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Alike](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/alike/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81b/jen-lancaster-6189_alike_fortunately-all-it-takes-for-us-to-be-of_486982.png) > [You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/you-can-t-all-of-a-sudden-go-to-sleep-one-night-and-wake-up-martha/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Going to sleep](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/going-to-sleep/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/16a/jen-lancaster-6189_going-to-sleep_you-can-t-all-of-a-sudden-go-to-sleep-on_2907663.png) > [I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-m-very-detail-oriented-i-think-that-s-why-people-enjoy-my-memoirs/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Curious](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/curious/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9e4/jen-lancaster-6189_curious_i-m-very-detail-oriented-i-think-that-s_2139701.png) > [I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-would-rather-receive-a-pap-smear-from-captain-hook-than-venture-out-2/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Captains](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/captains/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afc/jen-lancaster-6189_captains_i-would-rather-receive-a-pap-smear-from_2208115.png) > [When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/when-did-the-cell-phone-become-a-license-to-be-rude-and-why-must-i-be/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Cell phone](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cell-phone/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f59/jen-lancaster-6189_cell-phone_when-did-the-cell-phone-become-a-license_439974.png) > [Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/owning-a-dog-is-slightly-less-expensive-than-being-addicted-to-crack/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Animal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/animal/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/000/jen-lancaster-6189_animal_owning-a-dog-is-slightly-less-expensive_1417919.png) > [Writing is something that I've always loved. That stems from my love of being a reader.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/writing-is-something-that-i-ve-always-loved-that-stems-from-my-love/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Books](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/books/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0a/jen-lancaster-6189_books_writing-is-something-that-i-ve-always-lo_2680565.png) > [“I mean, six years ago my electricity's being cut off and my car's getting repossessed and I'm being evicted from my apartment,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-mean-six-years-ago-my-electricity-s-being-cut-off-and-my-car-s/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Evicted](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/evicted/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/acd/jen-lancaster-6189_evicted_i-mean-six-years-ago-my-electricity-s-be_3115536.png) > [Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/fletch-then-kisses-me-on-the-forehead-before-opening-the-cabinet/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Cabinets](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/cabinets/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/778/jen-lancaster-6189_cabinets_fletch-then-kisses-me-on-the-forehead-be_157734.jpg) > [“When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/when-she-gets-rattled-the-south-really-comes-out-once-when-daddy/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Culture](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/culture/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/866/jen-lancaster-6189_culture_when-she-gets-rattled-the-south-really-c_1109113.jpg) > [I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career --…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-don-t-care-how-happily-married-you-are-or-how-deeply-enmeshed-you/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Break](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/break/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/756/jen-lancaster-6189_break_i-don-t-care-how-happily-married-you-are_934168.png) > [I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim)…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-don-t-mean-to-get-all-religious-here-but-i-m-pretty-sure-key-lime/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Crackers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/crackers/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/559/jen-lancaster-6189_crackers_i-don-t-mean-to-get-all-religious-here-b_1432073.png) > [I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-ve-determined-the-ideal-job-for-me-is-one-where-i-can-write-clever/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Clever](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/clever/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7e/jen-lancaster-6189_clever_i-ve-determined-the-ideal-job-for-me-is_1653783.jpg) > [“Except for thinking up reasons I’m allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today’s reason is because I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/except-for-thinking-up-reasons-i-m-allowed-to-skip-the-gym-my/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Gym](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/gym/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b66/jen-lancaster-6189_gym_except-for-thinking-up-reasons-i-m-allow_2733395.png) > [“What's funny is the act of cleaning out my desk takes an hour, yet I've been dreading it for so many damn…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/what-s-funny-is-the-act-of-cleaning-out-my-desk-takes-an-hour-yet-i/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Time wasted](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/time-wasted/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/jen-lancaster-6189_time-wasted_what-s-funny-is-the-act-of-cleaning-out_2479916.png) > [“Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/fletch-is-back-from-austin-and-turns-out-what-sounded-great-on-paper/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Austin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/austin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/310/jen-lancaster-6189_austin_fletch-is-back-from-austin-and-turns-out_2423454.png) > [“I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-stuff-another-handful-of-raisinets-in-my-mouth-what-gets-me-is-the/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Funny](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fd/jen-lancaster-6189_funny_i-stuff-another-handful-of-raisinets-in_2730903.jpg) > [“Everyday I feel more and more like a full-fledged adult. Even though it was (metaphorically) only yesterday I was sloshing in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/everyday-i-feel-more-and-more-like-a-full-fledged-adult-even-though/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Adult](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/adult/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/270/jen-lancaster-6189_adult_everyday-i-feel-more-and-more-like-a-ful_3116428.jpg) > [Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/really-if-i-could-hate-my-trainer-that-would-be-ideal-i-d-prefer-to/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Bus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf3/jen-lancaster-6189_bus_really-if-i-could-hate-my-trainer-that-w_754096.png) > [The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/the-living-room-is-a-monument-to-my-impulsive-spending-habits-i-ve/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Accounts](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/accounts/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6de/jen-lancaster-6189_accounts_the-living-room-is-a-monument-to-my-impu_553455.png) > [“With two pit bulls in the house, we have a responsibility to make sure they’re always under control. I mean, we’re well…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/with-two-pit-bulls-in-the-house-we-have-a-responsibility-to-make-sure/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Animal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/animal/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e0/jen-lancaster-6189_animal_with-two-pit-bulls-in-the-house-we-have_3204310.png) > [Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and repajamaed a toddler, and chased…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/over-the-summer-we-chatted-one-night-while-angie-stripped-a-bed/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Bed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bed/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a42/jen-lancaster-6189_bed_over-the-summer-we-chatted-one-night-whi_855893.png) > [“In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle of ethical egotism, meaning…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/in-atlas-shrugged-ayn-rand-stated-that-there-s-no-such-thing-as-real/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Generosity](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/generosity/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/jen-lancaster-6189_generosity_in-atlas-shrugged-ayn-rand-stated-that-t_3156283.png) > [“Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn’t mean one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/actually-i-believe-there-are-only-two-kinds-of-women-in-this-world/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Collaboration](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/collaboration/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fd/jen-lancaster-6189_collaboration_actually-i-believe-there-are-only-two-ki_2345944.png) > [“I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-want-to-change-my-life-except-i-sort-of-like-it-i-mean-i-couldn-t/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Change life](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/change-life/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b19/jen-lancaster-6189_change-life_i-want-to-change-my-life-except-i-sort-o_1441407.png) > [“(At a health and fitness fair) Though normally superconfident, I am not prepared for the judgmental stares of the ultrafit. They don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/at-a-health-and-fitness-fair-though-normally-superconfident-i-am-not/) [jen lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Fitness](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fitness/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/095/jen-lancaster-6189_fitness_at-a-health-and-fitness-fair-though-norm_961045.png) > [“(Jen gets completely sloshed and it's not her wedding) I was supposed to meet Carol and her family at the aquarium the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/jen-gets-completely-sloshed-and-it-s-not-her-wedding-i-was-supposed/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Humor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/jen-lancaster-6189_humor_jen-gets-completely-sloshed-and-it-s-not_3071263.jpg) > [“This is a Lucent PBX with Audix voice mail, right? I used this kind at all of my old jobs, so I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/this-is-a-lucent-pbx-with-audix-voice-mail-right-i-used-this-kind-at/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Old job](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/old-job/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/934/jen-lancaster-6189_old-job_this-is-a-lucent-pbx-with-audix-voice-ma_2672904.png) > [“The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/the-second-prong-in-my-revised-trinity-is-ikea-the-swedish-home-store/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Furniture](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/furniture/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26f/jen-lancaster-6189_furniture_the-second-prong-in-my-revised-trinity-i_2892153.png) > [“This quick foray onto the toilet has been no different an endeavor than any other time I’ve used the restroom in my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/this-quick-foray-onto-the-toilet-has-been-no-different-an-endeavor/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Adult life](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/adult-life/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90e/jen-lancaster-6189_adult-life_this-quick-foray-onto-the-toilet-has-bee_979712.png) > [“As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/as-i-paddle-along-i-slowly-become-aware-that-it-s-been-fear-keeping/) [Jen Lancaster](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/) [Fear](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fear/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/916/jen-lancaster-6189_fear_as-i-paddle-along-i-slowly-become-aware_2725989.png) ## Jen Lancaster by topic [Humor (13)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/jen-lancaster/) [Life (12)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/life/jen-lancaster/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/#itemlist", "name": "Jen Lancaster Quotes", "numberOfItems": 40, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. 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Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/when-she-gets-rattled-the-south-really-comes-out-once-when-daddy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/866/jen-lancaster-6189_culture_when-she-gets-rattled-the-south-really-c_1109113.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/866/jen-lancaster-6189_culture_when-she-gets-rattled-the-south-really-c_1109113.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/866/jen-lancaster-6189_culture_when-she-gets-rattled-the-south-really-c_1109113.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-don-t-care-how-happily-married-you-are-or-how-deeply-enmeshed-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/756/jen-lancaster-6189_break_i-don-t-care-how-happily-married-you-are_934168.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/756/jen-lancaster-6189_break_i-don-t-care-how-happily-married-you-are_934168.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/756/jen-lancaster-6189_break_i-don-t-care-how-happily-married-you-are_934168.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-don-t-mean-to-get-all-religious-here-but-i-m-pretty-sure-key-lime/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/559/jen-lancaster-6189_crackers_i-don-t-mean-to-get-all-religious-here-b_1432073.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/559/jen-lancaster-6189_crackers_i-don-t-mean-to-get-all-religious-here-b_1432073.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/559/jen-lancaster-6189_crackers_i-don-t-mean-to-get-all-religious-here-b_1432073.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-ve-determined-the-ideal-job-for-me-is-one-where-i-can-write-clever/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7e/jen-lancaster-6189_clever_i-ve-determined-the-ideal-job-for-me-is_1653783.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7e/jen-lancaster-6189_clever_i-ve-determined-the-ideal-job-for-me-is_1653783.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7e/jen-lancaster-6189_clever_i-ve-determined-the-ideal-job-for-me-is_1653783.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Except for thinking up reasons I’m allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today’s reason is because I have a cold. Yesterday’s was the dogs seemed sad.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/except-for-thinking-up-reasons-i-m-allowed-to-skip-the-gym-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b66/jen-lancaster-6189_gym_except-for-thinking-up-reasons-i-m-allow_2733395.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b66/jen-lancaster-6189_gym_except-for-thinking-up-reasons-i-m-allow_2733395.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b66/jen-lancaster-6189_gym_except-for-thinking-up-reasons-i-m-allow_2733395.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Except for thinking up reasons I’m allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today’s…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“What's funny is the act of cleaning out my desk takes an hour, yet I've been dreading it for so many damn years. How much time have I wasted in fretting about organizing this instead of actually organizing? I kind of don't want to know.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/what-s-funny-is-the-act-of-cleaning-out-my-desk-takes-an-hour-yet-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/jen-lancaster-6189_time-wasted_what-s-funny-is-the-act-of-cleaning-out_2479916.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/jen-lancaster-6189_time-wasted_what-s-funny-is-the-act-of-cleaning-out_2479916.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/jen-lancaster-6189_time-wasted_what-s-funny-is-the-act-of-cleaning-out_2479916.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What's funny is the act of cleaning out my desk takes an hour, yet I've been dreading it for so many damn…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so hot down there, I'd spontaneously combust the second I stepped off the plane. Plus with humidity turning the air as thick as oatmeal, my hair would always be a disaster. So, Austin's out.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/fletch-is-back-from-austin-and-turns-out-what-sounded-great-on-paper/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/310/jen-lancaster-6189_austin_fletch-is-back-from-austin-and-turns-out_2423454.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/310/jen-lancaster-6189_austin_fletch-is-back-from-austin-and-turns-out_2423454.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/310/jen-lancaster-6189_austin_fletch-is-back-from-austin-and-turns-out_2423454.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/i-stuff-another-handful-of-raisinets-in-my-mouth-what-gets-me-is-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fd/jen-lancaster-6189_funny_i-stuff-another-handful-of-raisinets-in_2730903.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fd/jen-lancaster-6189_funny_i-stuff-another-handful-of-raisinets-in_2730903.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9fd/jen-lancaster-6189_funny_i-stuff-another-handful-of-raisinets-in_2730903.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Everyday I feel more and more like a full-fledged adult. Even though it was (metaphorically) only yesterday I was sloshing in the door at four a.m. after Dollar Beer Night, I find myself with a mortgage, four types of insurance, and a non-laundry-quarter-based retirement fund.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/everyday-i-feel-more-and-more-like-a-full-fledged-adult-even-though/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/270/jen-lancaster-6189_adult_everyday-i-feel-more-and-more-like-a-ful_3116428.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/270/jen-lancaster-6189_adult_everyday-i-feel-more-and-more-like-a-ful_3116428.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/270/jen-lancaster-6189_adult_everyday-i-feel-more-and-more-like-a-ful_3116428.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Everyday I feel more and more like a full-fledged adult. Even though it was (metaphorically) only yesterday…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/really-if-i-could-hate-my-trainer-that-would-be-ideal-i-d-prefer-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf3/jen-lancaster-6189_bus_really-if-i-could-hate-my-trainer-that-w_754096.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf3/jen-lancaster-6189_bus_really-if-i-could-hate-my-trainer-that-w_754096.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf3/jen-lancaster-6189_bus_really-if-i-could-hate-my-trainer-that-w_754096.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 29, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such as Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, and A Night at the Roxbury, leading me to believe not only do I have awful taste in films, but I also have a Chris Kattan fixation. What I don't have is $4000 earing intrest in a money market account.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/the-living-room-is-a-monument-to-my-impulsive-spending-habits-i-ve/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6de/jen-lancaster-6189_accounts_the-living-room-is-a-monument-to-my-impu_553455.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6de/jen-lancaster-6189_accounts_the-living-room-is-a-monument-to-my-impu_553455.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6de/jen-lancaster-6189_accounts_the-living-room-is-a-monument-to-my-impu_553455.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“With two pit bulls in the house, we have a responsibility to make sure they’re always under control. I mean, we’re well aware of how sweet and harmless they are, yet the fact that they even exist intimidates others, so we train for our neighbors’ peace of mind. As an added bonus, the dogs love it!”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/with-two-pit-bulls-in-the-house-we-have-a-responsibility-to-make-sure/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e0/jen-lancaster-6189_animal_with-two-pit-bulls-in-the-house-we-have_3204310.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e0/jen-lancaster-6189_animal_with-two-pit-bulls-in-the-house-we-have_3204310.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e0/jen-lancaster-6189_animal_with-two-pit-bulls-in-the-house-we-have_3204310.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“With two pit bulls in the house, we have a responsibility to make sure they’re always under control. I mean…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 31, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and repajamaed a toddler, and chased down a car of speeding teenagers while shaking a brick at them, never once interrupting the conversation or setting down her margarita. The only reason this woman isn't president of General Motors is because she's chosen not to be.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/over-the-summer-we-chatted-one-night-while-angie-stripped-a-bed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a42/jen-lancaster-6189_bed_over-the-summer-we-chatted-one-night-whi_855893.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a42/jen-lancaster-6189_bed_over-the-summer-we-chatted-one-night-whi_855893.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a42/jen-lancaster-6189_bed_over-the-summer-we-chatted-one-night-whi_855893.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 32, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle of ethical egotism, meaning that a person's moral obligation is to promote their own welfare. Translation? I still have the musical sensibilities of a teenage girl and I kind of want to see a shitty pop concert in the guise of doing something nice for my pal's kid, so I need to find a way to make it happen.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/in-atlas-shrugged-ayn-rand-stated-that-there-s-no-such-thing-as-real/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/jen-lancaster-6189_generosity_in-atlas-shrugged-ayn-rand-stated-that-t_3156283.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/jen-lancaster-6189_generosity_in-atlas-shrugged-ayn-rand-stated-that-t_3156283.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/jen-lancaster-6189_generosity_in-atlas-shrugged-ayn-rand-stated-that-t_3156283.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 33, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn’t mean one can’t have an affinity for both of them, but my theory is that every chick is more firmly in one camp than the other. The typical Oprah woman is all self-actualized and best-life-y and Eat, Pray, Love. The Big O seems like the kind of gal who’d insist we all spend the afternoon wearing jammy pants. And how fun would that be?! But Martha? She’s not putting up with that nonsense, and that makes me adore her all the more. She’ll tell you what to eat, where to pray, and who to love, and I appreciate the guidance.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/actually-i-believe-there-are-only-two-kinds-of-women-in-this-world/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fd/jen-lancaster-6189_collaboration_actually-i-believe-there-are-only-two-ki_2345944.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fd/jen-lancaster-6189_collaboration_actually-i-believe-there-are-only-two-ki_2345944.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fd/jen-lancaster-6189_collaboration_actually-i-believe-there-are-only-two-ki_2345944.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 34, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. 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I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 35, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“(At a health and fitness fair) Though normally superconfident, I am not prepared for the judgmental stares of the ultrafit. They don't know me and have no idea of my prowess in the boardroom. They're unfamiliar with my shoe collection and unaware that I live in the Dot-Com Palace. And they didn't notice me pulling up in the Caddy. All they can see is how much space I occupy. With each step I take, I feel cellulite blossoming on my arms, my stomach, my calves. Stop it! I think my chin just multiplied and my thighs inflated. No! Deflate! Deflate! And I'm pretty sure I can see my own ass out of the corner of my eye. Gah! Cut it out!! Am I imagining things, or do my footsteps sound like those of the giant who stomped through the city in the beginning of Underdog? And how did I go from aging-but-still-kind-of-hot ex-sorority girl to horrific, stompy cartoon monster in less than an hour? My sleek and sexy python sandals have morphed into cloven hooves by the time I reach the line for the race packet. While I wait, the air is abuzz with tales of other marathons while many sets of eyes cut in my direction. Eventually an asshat in a JUST DO IT T-shirt asks me, \"How's your training going?”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/at-a-health-and-fitness-fair-though-normally-superconfident-i-am-not/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/095/jen-lancaster-6189_fitness_at-a-health-and-fitness-fair-though-norm_961045.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/095/jen-lancaster-6189_fitness_at-a-health-and-fitness-fair-though-norm_961045.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/095/jen-lancaster-6189_fitness_at-a-health-and-fitness-fair-though-norm_961045.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“(At a health and fitness fair) Though normally superconfident, I am not prepared for the judgmental stares…” — jen lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 36, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“(Jen gets completely sloshed and it's not her wedding) I was supposed to meet Carol and her family at the aquarium the next morning, and somehow had the presence of mind to leave a voicemail apologizing in advance for not being able to make it. I was please at myself for being so responsible and considerate. After I left the message, I blissfully headed off to bed, wearing a face full of makeup, all my grown up jewelry, and a relatively restrictive girdle. Suffice it to say, yesterday was rough, what with my apartment spinning and all. But today I felt better. That is, until Carol played me the voice mail I left for her at 1:03 AM. Somehow I thought I had been able to hold it together on the phone. Following is a transcript of the message I left: 30 seconds of heavy breathing, giggling, and intermittent hiccups (At first Carol thought it was a 911 call.) Oh, heeheehee, I waassshh wayyyting for a beep. But noooooo beeeeeeep. Why don't you hash a beep on your, your, ummmmmm...celery phone? Noooooo beeeeeeep, hic, heeheeeheee. Um, hiiiiii, itsch JEENNNNNNNN!! It's thirteen o'clock in the peeeeeee eeeemmmmmmm. Heeeeeeeellllllllllloooooooo! I went to my wedding tonight and it wash sooooo niiiiiiiiiice. Hic.\" More giggling and the sound of a phone being dropped and retrieved Nannyway, I am calling to telllll you noooooooooo fishies tomorry...no fishies for meeee! I hic, heeeee, can't smake it to the quariyummm. Maybeeee you can call me so I can say HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII later hich in the day hee hee hee. Call me at, um, 312, ummmmmmm, 312, uummmmm, hee hee hee I can't member my phone, Hic. Do you know my number? Can you call me and tell me what it isssch? I LIKESH TURKEY SAMMICHES! 10 seconds of chewing, giggling, and what may be gobbling sounds Okay, GGGGGGGGooooooodniiiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhttttt! No fish! Um, how do I turn this tthing off? Shhhhh, callllls' over. Beeee quiiiiiiietttt, hee hee hee.\" 15 more seconds of giggles, hiccups, shushing, and a great deal of banging Perhaps this is why most people only have one wedding? ”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/jen-gets-completely-sloshed-and-it-s-not-her-wedding-i-was-supposed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/jen-lancaster-6189_humor_jen-gets-completely-sloshed-and-it-s-not_3071263.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/jen-lancaster-6189_humor_jen-gets-completely-sloshed-and-it-s-not_3071263.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/jen-lancaster-6189_humor_jen-gets-completely-sloshed-and-it-s-not_3071263.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“(Jen gets completely sloshed and it's not her wedding) I was supposed to meet Carol and her family at the…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 37, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“This is a Lucent PBX with Audix voice mail, right? I used this kind at all of my old jobs, so I'm pretty familiar with them.\" Completely ignoring me, Pat continues to demonstrate every single one of the phone's features, half of which she describes incorrectly. I don't bother taking notes because I've used this system a thousand times. I have no need to transcribe an erroneous refresher course. \"Hey, you should be writing this down.\" Like I said, I've used this system extensively and--\" WRITE IT DOWN,\" Pat growls. \"If you screw up the phone, Jerry's gonna be on my ass.\" No problem.\" I'm slowly learning to choose my battles and figure this isn't the hill I want to die on. I pull a portfolio out of my briefcase and begin to take notes. When the phone rings and Jerry isn't there to answer, you pick it up and hold it to your mouth like this. You say, 'Hello, Jerry Jenkins' office.'\" I write: When phone rings, place receiver next to your word hole and not your hoo-hoo or other bodily aperature, and say, \"Shalom.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/this-is-a-lucent-pbx-with-audix-voice-mail-right-i-used-this-kind-at/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/934/jen-lancaster-6189_old-job_this-is-a-lucent-pbx-with-audix-voice-ma_2672904.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/934/jen-lancaster-6189_old-job_this-is-a-lucent-pbx-with-audix-voice-ma_2672904.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/934/jen-lancaster-6189_old-job_this-is-a-lucent-pbx-with-audix-voice-ma_2672904.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This is a Lucent PBX with Audix voice mail, right? I used this kind at all of my old jobs, so I'm pretty…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 38, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing you could possibly ever need to fill your home and garden at low, low prices, but in obscure Swedish sizes so those items won't coordinate with anything else you own, like, say, if you want to put a regular Target lamp shade on your IKEA lamp. Fletch thinks it's Sweden's master plan to make Americans so busy trying to construct furniture with Allen wrenches that we don't notice they've invaded us. (Personally, I think it's payback; the Swedes are pissed that we aren't buying ABBA albums anymore.)”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/the-second-prong-in-my-revised-trinity-is-ikea-the-swedish-home-store/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26f/jen-lancaster-6189_furniture_the-second-prong-in-my-revised-trinity-i_2892153.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26f/jen-lancaster-6189_furniture_the-second-prong-in-my-revised-trinity-i_2892153.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26f/jen-lancaster-6189_furniture_the-second-prong-in-my-revised-trinity-i_2892153.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 39, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“This quick foray onto the toilet has been no different an endeavor than any other time I’ve used the restroom in my adult life. Try then to imagine my surprise when instead of the waste going down the u-bend like the thousands of times previous, the bowl’s contents go not gentle into that good night. Instead, they shoot directly up at me . . . at approximately 80 miles an hour. As I leap backward, slamming into the glass shower door, the only thought going through my now-banged head is, When did I eat corn?\" Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomanical, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/this-quick-foray-onto-the-toilet-has-been-no-different-an-endeavor/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90e/jen-lancaster-6189_adult-life_this-quick-foray-onto-the-toilet-has-bee_979712.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90e/jen-lancaster-6189_adult-life_this-quick-foray-onto-the-toilet-has-bee_979712.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/90e/jen-lancaster-6189_adult-life_this-quick-foray-onto-the-toilet-has-bee_979712.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This quick foray onto the toilet has been no different an endeavor than any other time I’ve used the…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 40, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself by not having the endurance to complete a lap. The swimming wasn't what scared me; failure was. My fear locked me in a state of arrested development for so many years. Fear kept me from tackling my weight, which I understand has simply been symptomatic of my greater fear, growing up. I glide down the lane on my back and reflect on how good I feel right now. It's not because I've lost more than thirty pounds. I feel incredible because I've stopped being afraid.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jen Lancaster" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jen-lancaster/as-i-paddle-along-i-slowly-become-aware-that-it-s-been-fear-keeping/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/916/jen-lancaster-6189_fear_as-i-paddle-along-i-slowly-become-aware_2725989.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/916/jen-lancaster-6189_fear_as-i-paddle-along-i-slowly-become-aware_2725989.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/916/jen-lancaster-6189_fear_as-i-paddle-along-i-slowly-become-aware_2725989.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years…” — Jen Lancaster", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "Person", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/#person", "name": "Jen Lancaster", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/", "image": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b190/author-jen-lancaster-6189.jpg" }, { "@type": "ProfilePage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/", "name": "Jen Lancaster", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/#person" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68b/jen-lancaster-6189_ends_i-tried-it-was-hard-i-quit-the-end-story_602268.png" }, "description": "Jen Lancaster quotes on humor, imperfection, and quirky life moments.", "breadcrumb": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/#breadcrumb" } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/#breadcrumb", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Authors", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/authors/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Jen Lancaster", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jen-lancaster/" } ] }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```