---
title: "Best Bill Engvall Quotes"
description: "William Ray Engvall Jr. is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and television host. He has released stand-up comedy albums through Warner Records and ..."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b005/author-bill-engvall-17897.jpg"
---

![Portrait of Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b005/author-bill-engvall-17897.jpg)

# Bill Engvall

(1957)   Actor   United States

 **84** quotes in **547** categories

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Bill Engvall is an actor from the United States, best known for *Just a guy*.

## Quick Facts About Bill Engvall

Born July 27, 1957

Nationality United States

Profession Actor

Notable works Just a guy

## About Bill Engvall

William Ray Engvall Jr. is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and television host. He has released stand-up comedy albums through Warner Records and BNA Records, which is defunct. His most-known album is his 1996 debut Here's Your Sign, certified platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America. The album derives its name from Engvall's signature routine "here's your sign", wherein he offers "signs" to people whom he deems lacking in intellect. He has toured as a comedian both by himself and as a member of Blue Collar Comedy Tour which included Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Ron White. Engvall's television roles include Delta, The Jeff Foxworthy Show, The Bill Engvall Show, and Lingo.

##  Quotes by Bill Engvall · Page 2

> [I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-believe-that-anyone-who-wants-to-wear-a-thong-should-have-to-go/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/bill-engvall-8106_application_i-believe-that-anyone-who-wants-to-wear_1151420.jpg)

> [You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay-in-bed-til-10am-and-think-to/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c8/bill-engvall-8106_bed_you-know-your-getting-older-when-you-lay_2311105.jpg)

> [And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/and-don-t-put-a-rose-in-my-hand-put-a-slim-jim-in-it-send-me-to/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Flower](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/flower/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/500/bill-engvall-8106_hands_and-don-t-put-a-rose-in-my-hand-put-a-sl_2187946.jpg)

> [If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/if-you-thought-stairway-to-heaven-was-a-long-song-dear-god-you-should/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fea/bill-engvall-8106_dear_if-you-thought-stairway-to-heaven-was-a_2855808.jpg)

> [If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/if-your-mother-still-drives-you-to-school-you-are-not-a-gangster-pull/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Gangsters](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/gangsters/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc9/bill-engvall-8106_gangsters_if-your-mother-still-drives-you-to-schoo_2730326.jpg)

> [Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/just-when-i-think-the-human-race-has-been-lost-to-the-what-about-me/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Caring for others](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/caring-for-others/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b1/bill-engvall-8106_caring-for-others_just-when-i-think-the-human-race-has-bee_2787501.jpg)

> [That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/that-s-why-they-re-man-s-best-friend-cause-guys-want-buddies-that-are/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Best friend](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/best-friend/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/80f/bill-engvall-8106_best-friend_that-s-why-they-re-man-s-best-friend-cau_1191349.jpg)

> [The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/the-older-you-get-the-more-people-think-they-have-to-listen-to-you/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa9/bill-engvall-8106_listen_the-older-you-get-the-more-people-think_3111098.jpg)

> [I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-am-out-in-public-and-using-the-phone-i-am-in-a-phone-booth-got-the/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Costumes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/costumes/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bca/bill-engvall-8106_costumes_i-am-out-in-public-and-using-the-phone-i_21736.jpg)

> [Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/martial-sex-is-kinda-like-ordering-a-civil-war-chess-set-through-the/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Chess](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/chess/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d50/bill-engvall-8106_chess_martial-sex-is-kinda-like-ordering-a-civ_2604395.jpg)

> [I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-swear-to-you-i-am-the-cheapest-drunk-on-the-planet-it-takes-nothing/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Drunk](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/drunk/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/578/bill-engvall-8106_drunk_i-swear-to-you-i-am-the-cheapest-drunk-o_3193273.jpg)

> [I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew-and-asked-him-i-don-t-want-to/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg)

> [He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/he-knows-all-the-golf-lingo-you-know-you-hit-your-ball-he-s-like/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/050/bill-engvall-8106_balls_he-knows-all-the-golf-lingo-you-know-you_241097.jpg)

> [I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-pulled-the-boy-close-to-me-and-said-you-see-that-girl-thats-my-only/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/174/bill-engvall-8106_said-girl_i-pulled-the-boy-close-to-me-and-said-yo_3206607.jpg)

> [I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-always-the-class-clown-and-over-time-became-very-good-at-it-i/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Class](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/class/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8aa/bill-engvall-8106_class_i-was-always-the-class-clown-and-over-ti_436475.jpg)

> [Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-minded-now-they-have-developed-a/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68c/bill-engvall-8106_beats_because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-min_1925288.jpg)

> [This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-and-he-says-you-like-baseball/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/737/bill-engvall-8106_arguing_this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-a_1581940.jpg)

> [My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the-grocery-store-and-buys-this/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Bacon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bacon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/451/bill-engvall-8106_beans_my-wife-trying-to-be-helpful-goes-to-the_1435322.jpg)

> [Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything-on-my-list-and-went-up-to/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6d/bill-engvall-8106_bags_went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything_153454.jpg)

> [I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-think-my-wife-puts-up-with-me-cause-i-try-i-think-that-s-all-any/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fef/bill-engvall-8106_can-do_i-think-my-wife-puts-up-with-me-cause-i_2710187.jpg)

> [I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-your-kid/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5a/bill-engvall-8106_come-up_i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-n_864560.jpg)

> [And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-when-you-re-born-you-nurse-on/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Age](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/age/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg)

> [My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/my-son-is-12-now-and-is-really-getting-into-girls-a-lot-but-the-thing/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c5/bill-engvall-8106_behinds_my-son-is-12-now-and-is-really-getting-i_2371687.jpg)

> [God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he-made-boobs-he-must-ve/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Boobs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/boobs/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4fb/bill-engvall-8106_boobs_god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he_315543.jpg)

> [Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/can-someone-explain-to-me-why-pilots-feel-they-need-to-wake-everyone/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0a8/bill-engvall-8106_clouds_can-someone-explain-to-me-why-pilots-fee_652758.jpg)

> [Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/lady-i-didn-t-get-up-this-morning-wanting-to-be-a-jackass-but-you/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/724/bill-engvall-8106_pushed-jackass_lady-i-didn-t-get-up-this-morning-wantin_2440221.jpg)

> [I thought 'RV' stood for 'Recreational Vehicle.' No! It stands for 'Ruins Vacations.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-thought-rv-stood-for-recreational-vehicle-no-it-stands-for-ruins/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Funny](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/96d/bill-engvall-8106_funny_i-thought-rv-stood-for-recreational-vehi_2537928.jpg)

> [I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-believe-that-lady-gaga-is-like-a-carnival-ride-from-a-distance-she/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/155/bill-engvall-8106_believe_i-believe-that-lady-gaga-is-like-a-carni_2190631.jpg)

> [My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/my-wife-and-i-had-an-argument-last-week-that-was-so-stupid-that-it/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Argument](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/argument/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60b/bill-engvall-8106_argument_my-wife-and-i-had-an-argument-last-week_1487897.jpg)

> [You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/you-could-take-vicodin-step-out-of-the-house-onto-a-freeway-have-a/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/62e/bill-engvall-8106_freeway_you-could-take-vicodin-step-out-of-the-h_2401587.jpg)

> [I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-she-goes-do-you-want-to-try-a/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f0/bill-engvall-8106_black_i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-s_576410.jpg)

> [I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-just-hate-stupid-people-they-should-have-to-wear-signs-that-say-i-m/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fd/bill-engvall-8106_asks_i-just-hate-stupid-people-they-should-ha_2656904.jpg)

> [I discovered two very important facts that day; Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-discovered-two-very-important-facts-that-day-number-one-the-springs/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Dog](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/dog/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c0/bill-engvall-8106_dog_i-discovered-two-very-important-facts-th_1809991.jpg)

> [It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/it-s-like-before-my-wife-and-i-moved-our-house-was-full-of-boxes-and/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37f/bill-engvall-8106_boxes_it-s-like-before-my-wife-and-i-moved-our_375870.jpg)

> [I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-what-is-it-and-she-goes-we-re-going-on-a-shark-feeding-frenzy/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Fish](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fish/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/19b/bill-engvall-8106_fish_i-go-what-is-it-and-she-goes-we-re-going_41798.jpg)

> [A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/a-couple-of-months-ago-i-went-fishing-with-a-buddy-of-mine-we-pulled/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb8/bill-engvall-8106_bass_a-couple-of-months-ago-i-went-fishing-wi_519443.jpg)

> [When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/when-you-re-doing-stand-up-you-achieve-an-intimacy-with-the-audience/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/48a/bill-engvall-8106_achieve_when-you-re-doing-stand-up-you-achieve-a_1757874.jpg)

> [Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/did-you-ever-notice-all-the-items-on-a-honey-do-list-are-dangerous/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ad/bill-engvall-8106_clean_did-you-ever-notice-all-the-items-on-a-h_1535777.jpg)

> [I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-shot-me-a-nice-deer-and-i-hung-it-on-the-den-wall-in-my-house-my/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Deer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/deer/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e70/bill-engvall-8106_deer_i-shot-me-a-nice-deer-and-i-hung-it-on-t_1781999.jpg)

> [No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/no-parents-you-have-uncle-jesse-forever-in-overalls-then-there-s-bo/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e33/bill-engvall-8106_dukes_no-parents-you-have-uncle-jesse-forever_2847080.jpg)

## Bill Engvall by topic

[Funny (14)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/bill-engvall/) [Humor (12)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/bill-engvall/)

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                        "text": "Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.",
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                        "text": "I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!",
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                        "text": "I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.",
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                        "text": "He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like \"there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot.\" Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going \"there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.\"",
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                        "text": "Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.",
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                        "text": "This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.' So he goes 'Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?' Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said 'did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?' He left.",
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                        "text": "Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.",
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                        "text": "I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'",
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                        "text": "I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'",
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                        "text": "And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.",
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                        "text": "My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that...discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was...gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, 'Dude, shut up.' She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes 'God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?' And all I could say was 'Yeah, I did!'",
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                        "text": "God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.",
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                        "text": "Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I thought 'RV' stood for 'Recreational Vehicle.' No! It stands for 'Ruins Vacations.'",
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                        "text": "I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.",
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                        "text": "My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.",
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                        "text": "You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!'",
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                        "text": "I go \"I just want a cup of black coffee.\" She goes \"Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy.\" Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.",
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                        "text": "I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.",
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