---
title: "84 Bill Engvall Quotes - Famous Actor (Just a guy)"
description: "Engvall’s quotes blend quirky everyday humor, absurd analogies, and funny anecdotes about food and sports."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b005/author-bill-engvall-17897.jpg"
---

![Portrait of Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b005/author-bill-engvall-17897.jpg)

# Bill Engvall

(1957)   Actor   United States

 **84** quotes in **547** categories

Engvall jokes about everyday moments, like a stranger asking if he’s on a phone in a booth. He makes absurd comparisons, such as ketchup on a shirt not turning it into a burger. He also shares funny stories about rabbit food at checkout and testing a shark‑bite suit.

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Bill Engvall is an actor from the United States, best known for *Just a guy*.

## Quick Facts About Bill Engvall

Born July 27, 1957

Nationality United States

Profession Actor

Notable works Just a guy

## About Bill Engvall

William Ray Engvall Jr. is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and television host. He has released stand-up comedy albums through Warner Records and BNA Records, which is defunct. His most-known album is his 1996 debut Here's Your Sign, certified platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America. The album derives its name from Engvall's signature routine "here's your sign", wherein he offers "signs" to people whom he deems lacking in intellect. He has toured as a comedian both by himself and as a member of Blue Collar Comedy Tour which included Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Ron White. Engvall's television roles include Delta, The Jeff Foxworthy Show, The Bill Engvall Show, and Lingo.

##  Quotes by Bill Engvall

> [You can't climb a tile wall.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/you-can-t-climb-a-tile-wall/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Climb](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/climb/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/763/bill-engvall-8106_climbs_you-can-t-climb-a-tile-wall-1742395_1742395.jpg)

> [“its a dork fish”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/its-a-dork-fish/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Dork](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/dork/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aac/bill-engvall-8106_dork_its-a-dork-fish-171185_171185.jpg)

> [Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/remember-greed-is-a-bad-color-on-a-person/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Color](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/color/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ec/bill-engvall-8106_color_remember-greed-is-a-bad-color-on-a-perso_336481.jpg)

> [The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/the-human-brain-doesn-t-come-with-an-instruction-manual/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Brain](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/brain/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f26/bill-engvall-8106_brain_the-human-brain-doesn-t-come-with-an-ins_1849607.jpg)

> [How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/how-about-this-have-you-ever-farted-so-hard-you-shivered/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Fart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/fart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/234/bill-engvall-8106_hard_how-about-this-have-you-ever-farted-so-h_1924316.jpg)

> [I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-never-been-killed-by-hippos/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Hippo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/hippo/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ac/bill-engvall-8106_hippo_i-know-at-least-two-people-who-have-neve_1640852.jpg)

> [When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/when-the-bus-driver-gets-off-the-bus-who-shuts-the-door/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Bus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e7/bill-engvall-8106_bus_when-the-bus-driver-gets-off-the-bus-who_1030195.jpg)

> [I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-a-dork-hunter-that-s-hard-to-do-i-fell-out-of-a-tree/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Dork](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/dork/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b8/bill-engvall-8106_dork_i-was-a-dork-hunter-that-s-hard-to-do-i_806537.jpg)

> [“I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-m-here-to-kill-the-deer-she-wants-to-take-it-shoppin/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Deer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/deer/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/bill-engvall-8106_quote_i-m-here-to-kill-the-deer-she-wants-to-t_1503652.jpg)

> [You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/you-can-t-tell-somebody-to-kiss-your-ass-on-a-scooter/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Ass](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ass/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/175/bill-engvall-8106_ass_you-can-t-tell-somebody-to-kiss-your-ass_1625167.jpg)

> [Hat's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/hat-s-why-they-re-man-s-best-friend-cause-guys-want-buddies-that-are/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Best friend](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/best-friend/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cb/bill-engvall-8106_best-friend_hat-s-why-they-re-man-s-best-friend-caus_1384989.jpg)

> [I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-believe-that-the-way-to-a-man-s-heart-is-not-through-his-stomach-it/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Believe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/believe/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d14/bill-engvall-8106_believe_i-believe-that-the-way-to-a-man-s-heart_2553714.jpg)

> [To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/to-all-companies-please-stop-using-xmas-songs-and-inserting-your-own/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Company](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/company/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/beb/bill-engvall-8106_company_to-all-companies-please-stop-using-xmas_1638322.jpg)

> [I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-just-realized-that-with-the-invention-of-the-iphone-and-others-you/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Electronic devices](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/electronic-devices/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/988/bill-engvall-8106_electronic-devices_i-just-realized-that-with-the-invention_2678696.jpg)

> [I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-about-decided-if-it-wasn-t-for-the-sex-i-could-be-gay-hell-then/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Buddies](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/buddies/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc4/bill-engvall-8106_buddies_i-ve-about-decided-if-it-wasn-t-for-the_206951.jpg)

> [Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ketchup-is-great-on-hamburgers-but-if-some-gets-on-your-shirt-that/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Doe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/doe/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a86/bill-engvall-8106_doe_ketchup-is-great-on-hamburgers-but-if-so_56166.jpg)

> [I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-d-love-to-be-a-woman-for-one-day-of-my-life-god-i-would-be-drunk/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Drunk](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/drunk/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef7/bill-engvall-8106_drunk_i-d-love-to-be-a-woman-for-one-day-of-my_1743794.jpg)

> [Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ma-am-when-i-got-up-this-morning-i-didn-t-want-to-be-jackass-you-just/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Buttons](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/buttons/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a6/bill-engvall-8106_buttons_ma-am-when-i-got-up-this-morning-i-didn_106352.jpg)

> [There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/there-s-a-group-in-california-that-wants-to-make-suicide-a-capital/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Bed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bed/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/822/bill-engvall-8106_bed_there-s-a-group-in-california-that-wants_2962429.jpg)

> [I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-told-my-wife-i-m-afraid-to-go-back-to-the-doctor-because-i-m-afraid/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Afraid](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/afraid/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a9/bill-engvall-8106_afraid_i-told-my-wife-i-m-afraid-to-go-back-to_2975959.jpg)

> [One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/one-day-i-locked-my-keys-in-my-car-and-as-i-was-standing-there-with-a/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Beats](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/beats/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/575/bill-engvall-8106_beats_one-day-i-locked-my-keys-in-my-car-and-a_2869718.jpg)

> [As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/as-we-re-staggering-out-of-the-hospital-i-don-t-remember-doing-this/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Funny](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f6/bill-engvall-8106_funny_as-we-re-staggering-out-of-the-hospital_1020630.jpg)

> [I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-and-said-baby-you-aint-gonna/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Airplane](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/airplane/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d2/bill-engvall-8106_airplane_i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-an_2213525.jpg)

> [Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ladies-you-wake-up-tomorrow-and-the-newspaper-reads-scientists-have/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Childbirth](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/childbirth/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/76e/bill-engvall-8106_childbirth_ladies-you-wake-up-tomorrow-and-the-news_3236560.jpg)

> [I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-sitting-on-a-plane-that-is-traveling-towards-seattle-and-the/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Guy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7cf/bill-engvall-8106_guy_i-was-sitting-on-a-plane-that-is-traveli_2800121.jpg)

> [Go 'it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!' And my wife goes 'Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/go-it-wasn-t-my-fault-it-was-captain-morgan-and-my-wife-goes-oh-like/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Marriage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/marriage/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f1/bill-engvall-8106_marriage_go-it-wasn-t-my-fault-it-was-captain-mor_2744471.jpg)

> [I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows-on-the-discovery-channel/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Animal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/animal/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/432/bill-engvall-8106_animal_i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows_204289.jpg)

> [A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the-freeway-a-sign-comes-up-that/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Bridges](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bridges/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a38/bill-engvall-8106_bridges_a-truck-driver-was-driving-along-on-the_592716.jpg)

> [God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-when-it-happened-man-i-used-to/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Daughter](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/daughter/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg)

> [I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until-i-saw-that-video-of-that-guy/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Buddy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/buddy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fd/bill-engvall-8106_buddy_i-might-have-tried-bungee-jumping-until_1766610.jpg)

> [I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-were-a-kid-remember-the-day-you/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Ants](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ants/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cf/bill-engvall-8106_ants_i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-wer_523589.jpg)

> [So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/so-finally-on-about-the-fifteenth-tee-i-hit-the-drive-of-my-life-and/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Drive](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/drive/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb8/bill-engvall-8106_drive_so-finally-on-about-the-fifteenth-tee-i_3035009.jpg)

> [I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-arrived-home-the-other-day-and-it-was-just-pouring-rain-out-side-so/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Car](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/car/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58b/bill-engvall-8106_car_i-arrived-home-the-other-day-and-it-was_992199.jpg)

> [Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my-truck-into-one-of-those-side/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Driving](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/driving/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a35/bill-engvall-8106_driving_last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my_2649273.jpg)

> [A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/a-condom-is-a-rubber-thing-shaped-like-a-wiener-that-hums/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Condom](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/condom/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/487/bill-engvall-8106_condom_a-condom-is-a-rubber-thing-shaped-like-a_1278860.jpg)

> [Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/welcome-to-my-garage-this-is-where-i-go-to-get-away-from-the-honey-do/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Funny](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/058/bill-engvall-8106_funny_welcome-to-my-garage-this-is-where-i-go_2543367.jpg)

> [I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-hit-two-trees-and-fell-down-a-ditch-and-that-was-just-walking-from/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Ditch](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ditch/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b2/bill-engvall-8106_ditch_i-hit-two-trees-and-fell-down-a-ditch-an_813811.jpg)

> [I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-never-read-a-kayak-manual-but-i-m-pretty-sure-page-one-says-use/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Kayak](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/kayak/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/506/bill-engvall-8106_kayak_i-ve-never-read-a-kayak-manual-but-i-m-p_508509.jpg)

> [In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/in-1903-the-wright-brothers-invented-airplanes-because-in-1902-they/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Airplane](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/airplane/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/686/bill-engvall-8106_airplane_in-1903-the-wright-brothers-invented-air_651599.jpg)

> [I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-believe-pain-is-nature-s-way-of-saying-you-re-still-alive-and-life/)

[Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/)

[Alive](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/alive/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e6/bill-engvall-8106_alive_i-believe-pain-is-nature-s-way-of-saying_1939592.jpg)

## Bill Engvall by topic

[Funny (14)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/bill-engvall/) [Humor (12)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/bill-engvall/) [Want (10)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/want/bill-engvall/) [Said (10)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/bill-engvall/) [Knows (10)](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/knows/bill-engvall/)

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                        "text": "One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.",
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                        "text": "Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.",
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                        "text": "I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!",
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                        "text": "Go 'it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!' And my wife goes 'Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?',and I said 'Exactly!'",
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                        "text": "I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.",
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                        "text": "A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.",
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                        "text": "God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: \"When you gonna wear these for me?\" She goes, \"I can't. They're your daughter's.\" \"Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!\" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.",
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                        "text": "I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. 'Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up...' WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? 'All right dude, you're up.'",
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                        "text": "I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.",
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                        "text": "So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and...kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like 'here we go!' Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like 'what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?' I'm like, 'hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book.'",
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