--- title: "Meaning & Key Takeaway of: We often lose our tempers not with those…" description: "\"We often lose our tempers not with those who are actually to blame; just with those who love us enough to forgive us our foul moods.\" — Alain de Botton" image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/alain-de-botton-221_blame_we-often-lose-our-tempers-not-with-those_872712.jpg" --- # We often lose our tempers not with those who are actually… ![“We often lose our tempers not with those who are actually to blame; just with those who love us enough to forgive us our foul moods.” quote by Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/alain-de-botton-221_blame_we-often-lose-our-tempers-not-with-those_872712.jpg) [Download](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/alain-de-botton-221_blame_we-often-lose-our-tempers-not-with-those_872712.jpg) [Open image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/alain-de-botton-221_blame_we-often-lose-our-tempers-not-with-those_872712.jpg) > “We often lose our tempers not with those who are actually to blame; just with those who love us enough to forgive us our foul moods.” [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) ## About This Quote This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation. We vent frustration on those we love, because we trust them with our vulnerabilities. **In simple terms:** We blame loved ones for our anger. Key Takeaway Practice patience with loved ones. Themes relationships emotions blame Mood reflective empathetic Type psychological advice When to use this quote - marriage - family gatherings - conflict resolution Key Concepts attachment theory emotional projection Questions to Reflect On - Why do you direct anger toward loved ones? - How can you express frustration without blame? A Different Perspective Blame can damage trust if not addressed. ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet [Forgiving](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/forgiving/) [Mood](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/mood/) [Temper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/temper/) [Tempers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/tempers/) ## Related quotes > [Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/frank-moore-colby/many-people-lose-their-tempers-merely-from-seeing-you-keep-yours/) [Frank Moore Colby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/frank-moore-colby/) > [Men lose their tempers in defending their taste.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ralph-waldo-emerson/men-lose-their-tempers-in-defending-their-taste/) [Ralph Waldo Emerson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ralph-waldo-emerson/) > [“What if this cursed hand were thicker than itself with brother's blood, is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens to wash it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/william-shakespeare/what-if-this-cursed-hand-were-thicker-than-itself-with-brother-s-2/) [William Shakespeare](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/william-shakespeare/) > [“We ought never to lose our tempers with people who, when we find them at fault, begin to snigger. They do so not because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marcel-proust/we-ought-never-to-lose-our-tempers-with-people-who-when-we-find-them/) [Marcel Proust](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marcel-proust/) > [It's like all those quiet people, when they do lose their tempers they lose them with a vengeance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/agatha-christie/it-s-like-all-those-quiet-people-when-they-do-lose-their-tempers-they/) [Agatha Christie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/agatha-christie/) > [There is a variety in tempers of good men.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/francis-atterbury/there-is-a-variety-in-tempers-of-good-men/) [Francis Atterbury](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/francis-atterbury/) > [Yoghurt cuts sweetness and richness, tempers spice, and makes a dish sing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/yotam-ottolenghi/yoghurt-cuts-sweetness-and-richness-tempers-spice-and-makes-a-dish/) [Yotam Ottolenghi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/yotam-ottolenghi/) > [I support anything that broadens the message of gender equality and tempers the stigma of the feminist label. We run into trouble, though, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/roxane-gay/i-support-anything-that-broadens-the-message-of-gender-equality-and/) [Roxane Gay](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/roxane-gay/) > [My father is best known for his light comedies, and I'm best known for crazy bad guys with short tempers.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/vincent-cassel/my-father-is-best-known-for-his-light-comedies-and-i-m-best-known-for/) [Vincent Cassel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/vincent-cassel/) > [“There are human tempers, bland, glowing, and genial, within whose influence it is as good for the poor in spirit to live, as it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/charlotte-bronte/there-are-human-tempers-bland-glowing-and-genial-within-whose/) [Charlotte Brontë](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/charlotte-bronte/) > [“I know some people with such bad tempers that, even if they accidentally walked into a tree branch, they will chop the whole tree…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-liccione/i-know-some-people-with-such-bad-tempers-that-even-if-they/) [Anthony Liccione](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-liccione/) > [Tempers flare at times. That's what good teams do: they react to things and go out there and leave it all on the field.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/manny-machado/tempers-flare-at-times-that-s-what-good-teams-do-they-react-to-things/) [Manny Machado](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/manny-machado/) > [“one of those pertinacious tempers that would warm every day to a white heat and never again cool to forgiveness.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/h-g-wells-2/one-of-those-pertinacious-tempers-that-would-warm-every-day-to-a/) [H.G. Wells](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/h-g-wells-2/) > [Come on, that was no foul! It may be a violation of all the basic rules of human decency, but its not a foul.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-walton/come-on-that-was-no-foul-it-may-be-a-violation-of-all-the-basic-rules/) [Bill Walton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-walton/) > [Ring out false pride in place and blood, The civic slander and the spite; Ring in the love of truth and right, Ring in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alfred-the-great/ring-out-false-pride-in-place-and-blood-the-civic-slander-and-the/) [Alfred the Great](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alfred-the-great/) ## More by Alain de Botton > [“To be mature is, we're told, to move beyond possessiveness. Jealousy is for babies. The mature person knows that no one owns anyone.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/to-be-mature-is-we-re-told-to-move-beyond-possessiveness-jealousy-is/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“He feared that by leaving her he would ruin her life - so he stayed, and did just that.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/he-feared-that-by-leaving-her-he-would-ruin-her-life-so-he-stayed-and/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [You have to be quite heavily invested in someone to do them the honour of telling them you're annoyed with them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/you-have-to-be-quite-heavily-invested-in-someone-to-do-them-the/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“The Anxiety of Sunday afternoon: your unlived lives and infinite possibility pressing upon the constraints of reality.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/the-anxiety-of-sunday-afternoon-your-unlived-lives-and-infinite/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [Those who divorce aren't necessarily the most unhappy, just those neatly able to believe their misery is caused by one other person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/those-who-divorce-aren-t-necessarily-the-most-unhappy-just-those/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“We could not be fulfilled if we weren't inauthentic some of the time—inauthentic, that is, in relation to such things as our passing desires…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/we-could-not-be-fulfilled-if-we-weren-t-inauthentic-some-of-the-time/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“Insofar as we appreciate order, it is when we perceive it as being accompanied by complexity, when we feel that a variety of elements…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/insofar-as-we-appreciate-order-it-is-when-we-perceive-it-as-being/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [I like the values associated with a medical family - common sense, being practical but also thoughtful.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/i-like-the-values-associated-with-a-medical-family-common-sense-being/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“Anyone who urgently needs us deserves, in the true book of love, to be our friend.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/anyone-who-urgently-needs-us-deserves-in-the-true-book-of-love-to-be/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“We can then recognize that we invented religions to serve two central needs which continue to this day and which secular society has not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/we-can-then-recognize-that-we-invented-religions-to-serve-two-central/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“Half the ingratitude and complacency in the world down to how slowly and imperceptibly most good and bad things unfold.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/half-the-ingratitude-and-complacency-in-the-world-down-to-how-slowly/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [It is perhaps when our lives are at their most problematic that we are likely to be most receptive to beautiful things.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/it-is-perhaps-when-our-lives-are-at-their-most-problematic-that-we/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [“Does what is praised becomes better? Does an emerald become worse if it isn't praised? And what a gold, ivory, a flower or a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/does-what-is-praised-becomes-better-does-an-emerald-become-worse-if/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [The bourgeois thinkers of the eighteenth century thus turned Aristotle's formula on its head: satisfactions which the Greek philosopher had identified with leisure were…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/the-bourgeois-thinkers-of-the-eighteenth-century-thus-turned/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) > [Reputation matters so much only because people so seldom think for themselves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alain-de-botton/reputation-matters-so-much-only-because-people-so-seldom-think-for/) [Alain de Botton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) [Explore all 850 Alain de Botton quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alain-de-botton/) ## More Blame quotes > [“I have to blame myself for not finding any way of reaching him, but I can't feel that either Ruth or I had anything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wallace-stegner/i-have-to-blame-myself-for-not-finding-any-way-of-reaching-him-but-i/) [Wallace Stegner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wallace-stegner/) > [Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/karl-pilkington/me-mum-used-to-always-have-the-radio-on-even-now-she-has-it-on-in/) [Karl Pilkington](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/karl-pilkington/) > [I like to praise and reward loudly, to blame quietly.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/catherine-the-great/i-like-to-praise-and-reward-loudly-to-blame-quietly/) [Catherine the Great](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/catherine-the-great/) > [Some of the things that I said I hated to say, but blame yourself mother fucker you made it this way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jedi-mind-tricks/some-of-the-things-that-i-said-i-hated-to-say-but-blame-yourself/) [Jedi Mind Tricks](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jedi-mind-tricks/) > [Holy shadows of the dead, I'm not to blame for your cruel and bitter fate, but the accursed rivalry which brought sister nations and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexander-the-great/holy-shadows-of-the-dead-i-m-not-to-blame-for-your-cruel-and-bitter/) [Alexander the Great](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexander-the-great/) > [“In places where government priorities and market imperatives create a world so capricious that to help a neighbor is to risk your ability to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katherine-boo/in-places-where-government-priorities-and-market-imperatives-create-a/) [Katherine Boo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katherine-boo/) > [“Stop Blaming Others For Your Own Actions”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alexis-g-roldan/stop-blaming-others-for-your-own-actions/) [Alexis G. Roldan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alexis-g-roldan/) > [We know from this book entitled... What is it? Surrendered? Succumbed? I can never remember the title perform. And we learn from this book…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rush-limbaugh/we-know-from-this-book-entitled-what-is-it-surrendered-succumbed-i/) [Rush Limbaugh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rush-limbaugh/) > [I don't blame anyone .. I did this to myself .. It's my fault .. Everything is my FAULT ...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nurnizz95/i-don-t-blame-anyone-i-did-this-to-myself-it-s-my-fault-everything-is/) Nurnizz95 > [“They would congratulate themselves every morning on keeping their integrity, and blame themselves each night for that missed opportunity.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paulo-coelho/they-would-congratulate-themselves-every-morning-on-keeping-their/) [Paulo Coelho](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paulo-coelho/) > [I try to live my life where I end up at a point where I have no regrets. 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