---
title: "14 You Quotes By Artie Lange"
description: "14 You quotes by Artie Lange. Plus more from Artie Lange and more You sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7f/artie-lange-7262_around_you-know-you-have-a-gambling-problem-whe_2328964.jpg"
---

> [You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/you-know-you-have-a-gambling-problem-when-it-s-4-a-m-at-the-mirage/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7f/artie-lange-7262_around_you-know-you-have-a-gambling-problem-whe_2328964.jpg)

> [To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/to-tell-you-the-truth-i-always-wanted-to-be-a-sketch-comedian-and-a/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a92/artie-lange-7262_actor_to-tell-you-the-truth-i-always-wanted-to_2602480.jpg)

> [The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/the-road-is-a-lonely-place-and-that-sounds-like-a-cliche-you-know/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b29/artie-lange-7262_cliche_the-road-is-a-lonely-place-and-that-soun_2836308.jpg)

> [To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/to-tell-you-the-truth-there-are-all-these-websites-predicting-my/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5aa/artie-lange-7262_death_to-tell-you-the-truth-there-are-all-thes_2449349.jpg)

> [I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/i-m-like-the-master-of-ceremonies-being-funny-and-then-sometimes/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e35/artie-lange-7262_being_i-m-like-the-master-of-ceremonies-being_2285565.jpg)

> [You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/you-know-you-re-on-stage-being-the-life-of-the-party-and-trying-to/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40a/artie-lange-7262_anything_you-know-you-re-on-stage-being-the-life_3065036.jpg)

> [When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/when-i-got-on-stern-i-realized-that-this-was-the-one-job-where-you/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ba/artie-lange-7262_about_when-i-got-on-stern-i-realized-that-this_2211022.jpg)

> [Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/only-when-you-re-in-that-ditch-lying-there-in-the-muddy-runoff-you-ve/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/625/artie-lange-7262_ditch_only-when-you-re-in-that-ditch-lying-the_2121393.jpg)

> [Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/comedians-we-re-just-people-who-whine-but-we-happen-to-be-funny-when-2/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e29/artie-lange-7262_comedians_comedians-we-re-just-people-who-whine-bu_2267631.jpg)

> [When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/when-i-became-a-standup-comic-my-hero-one-of-them-was-richard-pryor/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/792/artie-lange-7262_about_when-i-became-a-standup-comic-my-hero-on_2793545.jpg)

> [When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/when-you-re-an-adult-when-times-are-good-entire-years-go-by-in-what/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d91/artie-lange-7262_adult_when-you-re-an-adult-when-times-are-good_1073905.jpg)

> [People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/people-are-so-nice-you-know-it-s-such-a-credit-to-howard-stern-the/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb5/artie-lange-7262_audience_people-are-so-nice-you-know-it-s-such-a_1868129.jpg)

> [When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/when-i-encountered-rich-people-for-the-first-time-i-discovered-that/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d0e/artie-lange-7262_also_when-i-encountered-rich-people-for-the-f_1242274.jpg)

> [All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/all-i-can-say-is-that-you-only-realize-how-big-your-mountain-is-once/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e06/artie-lange-7262_barred_all-i-can-say-is-that-you-only-realize-h_3100608.jpg)

## Other authors on You

## More by Artie Lange

> [The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/the-point-of-drinking-in-moderation-is-that-sometimes-you-don-t-drink/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/it-is-funny-because-the-guy-who-is-my-boss-now-howard-stern-has-a/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/it-s-weird-because-standup-can-be-like-therapy-comedians-can-t-be/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/a-rod-wants-to-be-like-babe-ruth-and-people-don-t-realize-this-he-s-a/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/at-the-mirage-sportsbook-you-can-get-a-line-on-2-kid-playing/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/of-course-in-show-business-there-are-two-ways-to-play-it-and-i-am-not/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/by-the-time-i-am-howard-s-age-i-hope-to-be-long-retired-i-don-t-plan/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/the-regular-guy-still-relates-to-him-and-howard-is-a-500-million-guy/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/the-only-reason-i-can-t-recommend-heroin-to-kids-is-because-the/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/when-i-black-out-it-s-the-happiest-time-of-my-life/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/richard-lewis-has-this-incredible-ability-to-look-like-he-s-just-you/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/in-hollywood-there-is-another-name-for-a-woman-s-40th-birthday-party/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/everytime-i-go-to-vegas-i-seem-to-incur-some-kind-of-fine/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/it-s-not-a-drug-problem-until-you-run-out-of-money-until-then-it-s/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

> [Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/artie-lange/artie-is-going-to-do-what-ever-artie-wants-to-do/)

[Artie Lange](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/artie-lange/)

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                        "text": "When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'",
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