--- title: "13 Years Quotes By Christopher Titus" description: "13 Years quotes by Christopher Titus. Plus more from Christopher Titus and more Years sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f3/christopher-titus-1916_approved_there-s-two-approved-methods-for-getting_1893694.jpg" --- > [There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/there-s-two-approved-methods-for-getting-a-pedicure-for-a-guy-number/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f3/christopher-titus-1916_approved_there-s-two-approved-methods-for-getting_1893694.jpg) > [At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/at-the-millennium-we-partied-like-it-was-1999-and-then-we-had-a-10/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/christopher-titus-1916_bases_at-the-millennium-we-partied-like-it-was_670726.jpg) > [Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/being-a-teenager-is-the-worst-thirty-years-of-your-life-peer-pressure/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/christopher-titus-1916_acne_being-a-teenager-is-the-worst-thirty-yea_2706761.jpg) > [My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-never-chooses-me-for-anything-unless-he-needs-a-human/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/936/christopher-titus-1916_best-man_my-father-never-chooses-me-for-anything_3202591.jpg) > [Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/dad-is-a-new-person-a-person-who-has-learned-that-forgiveness-is/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/christopher-titus-1916_dad_dad-is-a-new-person-a-person-who-has-lea_2530404.jpg) > [I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-do-not-need-help-destroying-my-relationship-i-was-raised-by-my/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23e/christopher-titus-1916_destroying_i-do-not-need-help-destroying-my-relatio_2867144.jpg) > [I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-had-a-real-job-at-fourteen-years-old-at-seventeen-i-was-on-my-own/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91f/christopher-titus-1916_bucks_i-had-a-real-job-at-fourteen-years-old-a_1764912.jpg) > [Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the-loser-in-your-family-don-t/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e7/christopher-titus-1916_asks_losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the_1680416.jpg) > [The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-times-square-incident-wasn-t-a-terrorist-attack-it-was-a-jim/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/christopher-titus-1916_built_the-times-square-incident-wasn-t-a-terro_2263400.jpg) > [So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/so-it-seems-that-because-of-every-syndrome-and-disorder-we-ve/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2b/christopher-titus-1916_american-families_so-it-seems-that-because-of-every-syndro_2811963.jpg) > [Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/being-a-teenager-is-the-worst-thirty-years-of-your-life-but-it-all/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/091/christopher-titus-1916_being-a-teenager_being-a-teenager-is-the-worst-thirty-yea_827418.jpg) > [Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/normal-people-fear-the-day-their-parents-die-screwed-up-people-fear-2/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b0/christopher-titus-1916_boys_normal-people-fear-the-day-their-parents_2777615.jpg) > [My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-mom-was-a-manic-depressive-schizophrenic-who-after-a-year-in/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/960/christopher-titus-1916_alcohol_my-mom-was-a-manic-depressive-schizophre_1652860.jpg) ## Other authors on Years ## More by Christopher Titus > [My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-thrives-on-fear-you-know-that-prayer-if-i-should-die-before/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/ladies-if-you-re-at-the-mall-and-you-think-your-man-is-looking-at/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-find-that-americans-are-all-in-the-middle-somewhere-except-for-the/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-a-hard-drinking-man-from-the-70-s-we-actually-have-no/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/everybody-i-ve-ever-met-was-destroyed-by-a-member-of-the-opposite-sex/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/psychiatrist-are-like-mind-hookers-give-them-200-dollars-and-they/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/all-of-dad-s-relationships-ended-exactly-the-same-subpoena-beep-of-a/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/texas-is-a-hell-hole-man-dirt-cactus-lizards-dirt-cactus-the-bush/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/sometimes-failure-makes-your-future-because-you-set-the-past-on-fire/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/when-you-are-a-screwed-up-person-you-have-a-responsibility-to-keep/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-re-a-racist-right-now-in-2011-you-just-look-like-a-retard-man/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/why-should-i-learn-english-i-m-never-going-to-england-shah-pffff-ur/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/passion-manners-and-80-ounces-of-beer-will-win-the-heart-of-any-woman/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-most-powerful-person-in-your-life-is-the-one-that-knows-all-your/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) > [Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/haiti-fell-over-who-built-haiti-two-of-the-three-little-pigs/) [Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/years/christopher-titus/#itemlist", "name": "13 Years Quotes By Christopher Titus", "numberOfItems": 13, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... 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I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Christopher Titus" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-do-not-need-help-destroying-my-relationship-i-was-raised-by-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23e/christopher-titus-1916_destroying_i-do-not-need-help-destroying-my-relatio_2867144.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23e/christopher-titus-1916_destroying_i-do-not-need-help-destroying-my-relatio_2867144.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23e/christopher-titus-1916_destroying_i-do-not-need-help-destroying-my-relatio_2867144.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. 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And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Christopher Titus" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-had-a-real-job-at-fourteen-years-old-at-seventeen-i-was-on-my-own/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91f/christopher-titus-1916_bucks_i-had-a-real-job-at-fourteen-years-old-a_1764912.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91f/christopher-titus-1916_bucks_i-had-a-real-job-at-fourteen-years-old-a_1764912.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91f/christopher-titus-1916_bucks_i-had-a-real-job-at-fourteen-years-old-a_1764912.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. 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Loser.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Christopher Titus" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the-loser-in-your-family-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e7/christopher-titus-1916_asks_losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the_1680416.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e7/christopher-titus-1916_asks_losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the_1680416.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e7/christopher-titus-1916_asks_losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the_1680416.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now…” — Christopher Titus", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Christopher Titus" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-times-square-incident-wasn-t-a-terrorist-attack-it-was-a-jim/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/christopher-titus-1916_built_the-times-square-incident-wasn-t-a-terro_2263400.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/christopher-titus-1916_built_the-times-square-incident-wasn-t-a-terro_2263400.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/christopher-titus-1916_built_the-times-square-incident-wasn-t-a-terro_2263400.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the…” — Christopher Titus", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Christopher Titus" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/so-it-seems-that-because-of-every-syndrome-and-disorder-we-ve/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2b/christopher-titus-1916_american-families_so-it-seems-that-because-of-every-syndro_2811963.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2b/christopher-titus-1916_american-families_so-it-seems-that-because-of-every-syndro_2811963.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2b/christopher-titus-1916_american-families_so-it-seems-that-because-of-every-syndro_2811963.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los…” — Christopher Titus", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. 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