--- title: "14 Years Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik" description: "14 Years quotes by Anthony Jeselnik. Plus more from Anthony Jeselnik and more Years sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb4/anthony-jeselnik-1838_brand-new_i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand_22000.png" --- > [I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand-new/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb4/anthony-jeselnik-1838_brand-new_i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand_22000.png) > [The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/the-driving-force-behind-doing-everything-that-i-ve-been-doing-for-11/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a2/anthony-jeselnik-1838_authority_the-driving-force-behind-doing-everythin_3173295.png) > [Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/every-year-i-volunteer-at-a-hospital-on-thanksgiving-deep-frying/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61a/anthony-jeselnik-1838_children_every-year-i-volunteer-at-a-hospital-on_2880160.png) > [I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-ve-spent-the-past-two-years-looking-for-my-ex-girlfriend-s-killer/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ce/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ex-girlfriend_i-ve-spent-the-past-two-years-looking-fo_392237.png) > [You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/you-ll-get-my-assault-weapon-when-you-pry-it-out-of-my-curious-six/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c1/anthony-jeselnik-1838_assault_you-ll-get-my-assault-weapon-when-you-pr_663977.png) > [I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30c/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-stil_264964.png) > [Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/wayne-brady-i-don-t-understand-why-people-keep-joking-that-you-re-not/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c9/anthony-jeselnik-1838_black_wayne-brady-i-don-t-understand-why-peopl_2469916.png) > [My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as-to-why-she-isn-t-religious/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png) > [My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-sister-just-had-a-baby-a-little-newborn-the-kid-is-adorable-so/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/033/anthony-jeselnik-1838_adorable_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-a-little-newbo_2840589.jpg) > [I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-had-a-happy-childhood-in-a-nice-suburban-area-pretty-idyllic-upper/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/76e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_active_i-had-a-happy-childhood-in-a-nice-suburb_1136149.png) > [I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-really-proud-of-the-album-it-s-something-i-always-wanted-to-do/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb1/anthony-jeselnik-1838_album_i-m-really-proud-of-the-album-it-s-somet_2585005.png) > [My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-dad-s-been-having-a-hard-time-lately-keeps-on-losing-his-keys-can/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5fe/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-dad-s-been-having-a-hard-time-lately_3114692.png) > [About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angeles-i-decided-i-wanted-to-be-a/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e0/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ability_about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angele_59710.png) > [My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-mom-for-most-of-her-life-was-a-holocaust-denier-and-it-was/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/383/anthony-jeselnik-1838_believe_my-mom-for-most-of-her-life-was-a-holoca_2373983.jpg) ## Other authors on Years ## More by Anthony Jeselnik > [I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-to-love-me-but-i-m-embarrassed/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attention-even-if-they-re-not/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand-new/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/perhaps-i-m-being-too-optimistic-but-i-think-this-country-is-finally/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/father-s-day-makes-me-wish-i-could-talk-to-my-dad-just-one-more-time/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angeles-i-decided-i-wanted-to-be-a/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-i-was-little-i-would-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass-but-now/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-fascinated-by-offensive-subject-matter-always-have-been-it-is/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-got-into-comedy-because-i-wanted-to-get-into-writing/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-actually-never-acted-on-deadwood-i-have-meetings-all-the-time-where/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-was-a-weird-kid-because-i-liked-to-be-alone-but-i-craved-attention/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when-i-say-that-i-mean-i-don-t/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-brilliant-stuff-comes-out-of-working-with-limitations-one/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-anyone-who-surprises-me-and-makes-me-laugh/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/years/anthony-jeselnik/#itemlist", "name": "14 Years Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I have a twelve year old sex doll. 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Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30c/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-stil_264964.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30c/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-stil_264964.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30c/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-stil_264964.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I love Pittsburgh. 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After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/wayne-brady-i-don-t-understand-why-people-keep-joking-that-you-re-not/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c9/anthony-jeselnik-1838_black_wayne-brady-i-don-t-understand-why-peopl_2469916.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c9/anthony-jeselnik-1838_black_wayne-brady-i-don-t-understand-why-peopl_2469916.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c9/anthony-jeselnik-1838_black_wayne-brady-i-don-t-understand-why-peopl_2469916.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. 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About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as-to-why-she-isn-t-religious/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-sister-just-had-a-baby-a-little-newborn-the-kid-is-adorable-so/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/033/anthony-jeselnik-1838_adorable_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-a-little-newbo_2840589.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/033/anthony-jeselnik-1838_adorable_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-a-little-newbo_2840589.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/033/anthony-jeselnik-1838_adorable_my-sister-just-had-a-baby-a-little-newbo_2840589.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. 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The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-really-proud-of-the-album-it-s-something-i-always-wanted-to-do/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb1/anthony-jeselnik-1838_album_i-m-really-proud-of-the-album-it-s-somet_2585005.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb1/anthony-jeselnik-1838_album_i-m-really-proud-of-the-album-it-s-somet_2585005.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb1/anthony-jeselnik-1838_album_i-m-really-proud-of-the-album-it-s-somet_2585005.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm really proud of the album. 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