--- title: "30 Would be Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "30 Would be quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Would be sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8b3/jack-handey-829_care_you-know-what-would-be-the-most-terrifyi_1338110.jpg" --- > [You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-know-what-would-be-the-most-terrifying-thing-that-could-ever/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8b3/jack-handey-829_care_you-know-what-would-be-the-most-terrifyi_1338110.jpg) > [If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-go-to-a-costume-party-at-your-boss-s-house-wouldn-t-you-think/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b57/jack-handey-829_boss_if-you-go-to-a-costume-party-at-your-bos_505258.jpg) > [If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg) > [It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world-s-most-feared-diseases-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg) > [I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-would-be-a-chocolate-revolver/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg) > [If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-go-parachuting-and-your-parachute-doesn-t-open-and-you-friends/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1be/jack-handey-829_fall_if-you-go-parachuting-and-your-parachute_1335015.jpg) > [If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-come-back-as-a-horsefly-i-think-my-favorite-thing-would-be-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cd/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-i-come-back-as-a-horsefly-i-think-my_2663758.jpg) > [I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-can-see-why-it-would-be-prohibited-to-throw-most-things-off-the-top/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce9/jack-handey-829_break_i-can-see-why-it-would-be-prohibited-to_2082478.jpg) > [It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-jay-was-trying-to-communicate/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg) > [I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wouldn-t-be-surprised-if-someday-some-fisherman-caught-a-big-shark/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbf/jack-handey-829_baby_i-wouldn-t-be-surprised-if-someday-some_3022640.jpg) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg) > [Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-when-i-reflect-back-on-all-the-beer-i-drink-i-feel-ashamed/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1dc/jack-handey-829_ashamed_sometimes-when-i-reflect-back-on-all-the_3133373.jpg) > [I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-back-in-time-to-where-there-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg) > [I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-could-shrink-down-to-the-size-of-an-ant-and-maybe-there/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_ants_i-wish-i-could-shrink-down-to-the-size-o_1057576.jpg) > [I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-cute-movie-idea-would-be-about-a-parrot-who-is-raised-by/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12f/jack-handey-829_acting_i-think-a-cute-movie-idea-would-be-about_869209.jpg) > [I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bunch-of-men-on-a-ship-are/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg) > [I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-guy-who-s-a-brain-scientist-but/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c70/jack-handey-829_brain_i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-gu_2371216.jpg) > [I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-one-way-police-departments-could-make-some-money-would-be-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg) > [If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-there-was-a-terrible-storm-outside-but-somehow-this-dog-lived/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/927/jack-handey-829_animal_if-there-was-a-terrible-storm-outside-bu_377297.jpg) > [If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a-real-embarrassing-thing/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg) > [I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-one-reason-i-could-be-a-good-playboy-is-i-would-be-willing-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/932/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-reason-i-could-be-a-good-pla_1790034.jpg) > [I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-if-you-were-a-mummy-wrapper-in-ancient-egypt-on-thing-you-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/073/jack-handey-829_ancient_i-bet-if-you-were-a-mummy-wrapper-in-anc_3224911.jpg) > [People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/people-think-it-would-be-fun-to-be-a-bird-because-you-could-fly-but/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/002/jack-handey-829_aviation_people-think-it-would-be-fun-to-be-a-bir_1933508.jpg) > [I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-there-should-be-something-in-science-called-the-reindeer/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10f/jack-handey-829_be-good_i-think-there-should-be-something-in-sci_2146193.jpg) > [People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/people-just-naturally-assume-that-dogs-would-be-incapable-of-working/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8b/jack-handey-829_animal_people-just-naturally-assume-that-dogs-w_675648.jpg) > [If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would-be-the-one-thing-that-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg) > [If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-we-could-just-get-everyone-to-close-their-eyes-and-visualize-world/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_eye_if-we-could-just-get-everyone-to-close-t_2491611.jpg) > [If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapons-and-a-bunch-of/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg) > [When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-to-be-an-olympic-athlete/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg) > [I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be-where-one-scientist-tells/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/jack-handey-829_asylums_i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be_1230770.jpg) ## Other authors on Would be ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/would-be/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "30 Would be Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 30, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. 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Trust me, it's not.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-go-to-a-costume-party-at-your-boss-s-house-wouldn-t-you-think/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b57/jack-handey-829_boss_if-you-go-to-a-costume-party-at-your-bos_505258.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b57/jack-handey-829_boss_if-you-go-to-a-costume-party-at-your-bos_505258.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b57/jack-handey-829_boss_if-you-go-to-a-costume-party-at-your-bos_505258.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, \"A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!\" and point to another father.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world-s-most-feared-diseases-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him…", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-would-be-a-chocolate-revolver/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-go-parachuting-and-your-parachute-doesn-t-open-and-you-friends/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1be/jack-handey-829_fall_if-you-go-parachuting-and-your-parachute_1335015.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1be/jack-handey-829_fall_if-you-go-parachuting-and-your-parachute_1335015.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1be/jack-handey-829_fall_if-you-go-parachuting-and-your-parachute_1335015.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-come-back-as-a-horsefly-i-think-my-favorite-thing-would-be-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cd/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-i-come-back-as-a-horsefly-i-think-my_2663758.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cd/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-i-come-back-as-a-horsefly-i-think-my_2663758.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cd/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-i-come-back-as-a-horsefly-i-think-my_2663758.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-can-see-why-it-would-be-prohibited-to-throw-most-things-off-the-top/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce9/jack-handey-829_break_i-can-see-why-it-would-be-prohibited-to_2082478.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce9/jack-handey-829_break_i-can-see-why-it-would-be-prohibited-to_2082478.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce9/jack-handey-829_break_i-can-see-why-it-would-be-prohibited-to_2082478.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. \"What?! What?!\" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-jay-was-trying-to-communicate/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-something like that.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wouldn-t-be-surprised-if-someday-some-fisherman-caught-a-big-shark/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbf/jack-handey-829_baby_i-wouldn-t-be-surprised-if-someday-some_3022640.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbf/jack-handey-829_baby_i-wouldn-t-be-surprised-if-someday-some_3022640.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbf/jack-handey-829_baby_i-wouldn-t-be-surprised-if-someday-some_3022640.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be \"Clark Kent, Dentist,\" because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, \"How's my back tooth?\" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, \"Oh it's okay,\" then the patient would probably say, \"Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?\" and you'd say, \"Aw, get outta here,\" and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be \"Clark Kent, Dentist,\" because…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-when-i-reflect-back-on-all-the-beer-i-drink-i-feel-ashamed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1dc/jack-handey-829_ashamed_sometimes-when-i-reflect-back-on-all-the_3133373.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1dc/jack-handey-829_ashamed_sometimes-when-i-reflect-back-on-all-the_3133373.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1dc/jack-handey-829_ashamed_sometimes-when-i-reflect-back-on-all-the_3133373.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, \"If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.\" Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-back-in-time-to-where-there-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us \"ants,\" because we hate that.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-could-shrink-down-to-the-size-of-an-ant-and-maybe-there/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_ants_i-wish-i-could-shrink-down-to-the-size-o_1057576.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_ants_i-wish-i-could-shrink-down-to-the-size-o_1057576.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_ants_i-wish-i-could-shrink-down-to-the-size-o_1057576.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-cute-movie-idea-would-be-about-a-parrot-who-is-raised-by/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12f/jack-handey-829_acting_i-think-a-cute-movie-idea-would-be-about_869209.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12f/jack-handey-829_acting_i-think-a-cute-movie-idea-would-be-about_869209.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12f/jack-handey-829_acting_i-think-a-cute-movie-idea-would-be-about_869209.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bunch-of-men-on-a-ship-are/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-guy-who-s-a-brain-scientist-but/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c70/jack-handey-829_brain_i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-gu_2371216.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c70/jack-handey-829_brain_i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-gu_2371216.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c70/jack-handey-829_brain_i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-gu_2371216.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-one-way-police-departments-could-make-some-money-would-be-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-there-was-a-terrible-storm-outside-but-somehow-this-dog-lived/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/927/jack-handey-829_animal_if-there-was-a-terrible-storm-outside-bu_377297.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/927/jack-handey-829_animal_if-there-was-a-terrible-storm-outside-bu_377297.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/927/jack-handey-829_animal_if-there-was-a-terrible-storm-outside-bu_377297.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a-real-embarrassing-thing/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my \"pad\".", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-one-reason-i-could-be-a-good-playboy-is-i-would-be-willing-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/932/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-reason-i-could-be-a-good-pla_1790034.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/932/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-reason-i-could-be-a-good-pla_1790034.jpg", "url": 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But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/people-think-it-would-be-fun-to-be-a-bird-because-you-could-fly-but/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/002/jack-handey-829_aviation_people-think-it-would-be-fun-to-be-a-bir_1933508.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/002/jack-handey-829_aviation_people-think-it-would-be-fun-to-be-a-bir_1933508.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/002/jack-handey-829_aviation_people-think-it-would-be-fun-to-be-a-bir_1933508.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. 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But what about just a big field full of holes?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/people-just-naturally-assume-that-dogs-would-be-incapable-of-working/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8b/jack-handey-829_animal_people-just-naturally-assume-that-dogs-w_675648.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8b/jack-handey-829_animal_people-just-naturally-assume-that-dogs-w_675648.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8b/jack-handey-829_animal_people-just-naturally-assume-that-dogs-w_675648.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would-be-the-one-thing-that-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b2e/jack-handey-829_chests_if-you-were-a-pirate-you-know-what-would_2777662.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-we-could-just-get-everyone-to-close-their-eyes-and-visualize-world/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_eye_if-we-could-just-get-everyone-to-close-t_2491611.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_eye_if-we-could-just-get-everyone-to-close-t_2491611.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_eye_if-we-could-just-get-everyone-to-close-t_2491611.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, \"I swallowed it. So sue me.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapons-and-a-bunch-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 29, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-to-be-an-olympic-athlete/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, \"You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand.\" And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. 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