--- title: "15 Would be Quotes By Demetri Martin" description: "15 Would be quotes by Demetri Martin. Plus more from Demetri Martin and more Would be sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/931/demetri-martin-511_elvis_it-would-be-interesting-if-elvis-were-re_628397.jpg" --- > [It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-would-be-interesting-if-elvis-were-reincarnated-as-an-elvis/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/931/demetri-martin-511_elvis_it-would-be-interesting-if-elvis-were-re_628397.jpg) > [A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/a-good-name-for-a-gang-would-be-the-uneducated-idiot-tough-guys/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/527/demetri-martin-511_gang_a-good-name-for-a-gang-would-be-the-uned_2957728.jpg) > [REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/regarding-the-marching-band-how-much-more-interesting-it-would-be-to/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/154/demetri-martin-511_band_regarding-the-marching-band-how-much-mor_1623553.jpg) > [I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-a-bad-place-for-a-fire-would-be-the-factory-where-they-make/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/320/demetri-martin-511_candle_i-think-a-bad-place-for-a-fire-would-be_963369.jpg) > [It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bless-you-not-just-when-you/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/demetri-martin-511_being-nice_it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bles_1057733.jpg) > [I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-wish-my-name-started-with-a-comma-that-would-be-so-dramatic/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab2/demetri-martin-511_comma_i-wish-my-name-started-with-a-comma-that_2993766.jpg) > [Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/bowling-would-be-more-interesting-if-it-were-slightly-uphill/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b5/demetri-martin-511_bowling_bowling-would-be-more-interesting-if-it_904332.jpg) > [I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-it-would-be-worse-to-get-mauled-by-a-dancing-bear-than-just-a/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f95/demetri-martin-511_bear_i-think-it-would-be-worse-to-get-mauled_3146677.jpg) > [I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-writing-a-ransom-note-on-your/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5a/demetri-martin-511_being-cool_i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-wri_2453369.jpg) > [I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-it-would-be-frustrating-to-be-a-match-maker-what-do-you-do-i/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/demetri-martin-511_comedy_i-think-it-would-be-frustrating-to-be-a_2796093.jpg) > [I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-watching-mtv-and-there-were-girls-dancing-in-suspended-cages/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ee/demetri-martin-511_ambivalent_i-was-watching-mtv-and-there-were-girls_2202116.jpg) > [I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-am-everything-and-i-am-nothing-i-am-just-kidding-i-am-not/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c09/demetri-martin-511_just-kids_i-am-everything-and-i-am-nothing-i-am-ju_1844270.jpg) > [Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/socrates-became-a-trendsetter-other-philosophers-including-plato-and/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/767/demetri-martin-511_century_socrates-became-a-trendsetter-other-phil_2753916.jpg) > [I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-live-in-new-york-and-there-are-a-lot-of-famous-pizzerias-in-my/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce0/demetri-martin-511_delicious_i-live-in-new-york-and-there-are-a-lot-o_1064201.jpg) > [I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-treadmill-and-i-listen-to-music/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c6e/demetri-martin-511_cry_i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-tre_435282.jpg) ## Other authors on Would be ## More by Demetri Martin > [I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-hair-gel-was-invented-to-make-it-easier-to-identify-assholes/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/tic-tacs-are-the-maracas-of-breath-mints/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-someone-describes-themself-as-a-taxpayer-they-re-about-to-be-an/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [I think they named the orange before the carrot.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-they-named-the-orange-before-the-carrot/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-like-to-go-to-concerts-because-i-love-to-see-my-favorite-band/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/how-fast-does-a-zebra-have-to-run-before-it-looks-gray/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/skiing-is-my-favorite-sport-because-that-s-the-only-sport-that-is/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-know-about-woodstock-probably-as-much-as-your-average-person-who-is/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/never-be-less-interesting-than-your-refrigerator-magnets/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-bought-a-cactus-a-week-later-it-died-and-i-got-depressed-because-i/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/a-wednesday-with-no-rain-is-a-dry-hump-day/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/thing-to-try-if-you-are-asked-to-describe-a-suspect-to-a-police/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-happen-to-catch-on-fire-during-the-show-do-not-panic-or-wave/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/they-say-that-structure-is-freedom-and-in-a-sense-it-is-when-you-re/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) > [I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-my-favorite-sound-is-the-sound-of-someone-not-playing-the/) [Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/would-be/demetri-martin/#itemlist", "name": "15 Would be Quotes By Demetri Martin", "numberOfItems": 15, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": 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"creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bless-you-not-just-when-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/demetri-martin-511_being-nice_it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bles_1057733.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/demetri-martin-511_being-nice_it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bles_1057733.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/demetri-martin-511_being-nice_it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bles_1057733.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish my name started with a comma. 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Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-writing-a-ransom-note-on-your/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5a/demetri-martin-511_being-cool_i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-wri_2453369.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5a/demetri-martin-511_being-cool_i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-wri_2453369.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5a/demetri-martin-511_being-cool_i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-wri_2453369.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. \"What do you do?\" \"I'm a match maker\" \"Aw, that's really romantic\" \"No, umm... I actually... never mind\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-it-would-be-frustrating-to-be-a-match-maker-what-do-you-do-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/demetri-martin-511_comedy_i-think-it-would-be-frustrating-to-be-a_2796093.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/demetri-martin-511_comedy_i-think-it-would-be-frustrating-to-be-a_2796093.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/demetri-martin-511_comedy_i-think-it-would-be-frustrating-to-be-a_2796093.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. \"What do you do?\" \"I'm a match maker\" \"Aw, that's…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: \"I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music\".", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-watching-mtv-and-there-were-girls-dancing-in-suspended-cages/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ee/demetri-martin-511_ambivalent_i-was-watching-mtv-and-there-were-girls_2202116.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ee/demetri-martin-511_ambivalent_i-was-watching-mtv-and-there-were-girls_2202116.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ee/demetri-martin-511_ambivalent_i-was-watching-mtv-and-there-were-girls_2202116.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-am-everything-and-i-am-nothing-i-am-just-kidding-i-am-not/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c09/demetri-martin-511_just-kids_i-am-everything-and-i-am-nothing-i-am-ju_1844270.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c09/demetri-martin-511_just-kids_i-am-everything-and-i-am-nothing-i-am-ju_1844270.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c09/demetri-martin-511_just-kids_i-am-everything-and-i-am-nothing-i-am-ju_1844270.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/socrates-became-a-trendsetter-other-philosophers-including-plato-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/767/demetri-martin-511_century_socrates-became-a-trendsetter-other-phil_2753916.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/767/demetri-martin-511_century_socrates-became-a-trendsetter-other-phil_2753916.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/767/demetri-martin-511_century_socrates-became-a-trendsetter-other-phil_2753916.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-live-in-new-york-and-there-are-a-lot-of-famous-pizzerias-in-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce0/demetri-martin-511_delicious_i-live-in-new-york-and-there-are-a-lot-o_1064201.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce0/demetri-martin-511_delicious_i-live-in-new-york-and-there-are-a-lot-o_1064201.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce0/demetri-martin-511_delicious_i-live-in-new-york-and-there-are-a-lot-o_1064201.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Demetri Martin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-treadmill-and-i-listen-to-music/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c6e/demetri-martin-511_cry_i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-tre_435282.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c6e/demetri-martin-511_cry_i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-tre_435282.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c6e/demetri-martin-511_cry_i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-tre_435282.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So…” — Demetri Martin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/would-be/demetri-martin/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/would-be/demetri-martin/", "name": "Would be Quotes by Demetri Martin", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/would-be/demetri-martin/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/931/demetri-martin-511_elvis_it-would-be-interesting-if-elvis-were-re_628397.jpg" }, "description": "15 Would be quotes by Demetri Martin. 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