--- title: "18 Way Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "18 Way quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Way sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1d/mitch-hedberg-695_baseball_i-wish-i-could-play-little-league-now-i_2435827.png" --- > [I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wish-i-could-play-little-league-now-i-d-be-way-better-than-before/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1d/mitch-hedberg-695_baseball_i-wish-i-could-play-little-league-now-i_2435827.png) > [I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-know-a-lot-about-cars-man-i-can-look-at-any-car-s-headlights-and/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/427/mitch-hedberg-695_car_i-know-a-lot-about-cars-man-i-can-look-a_1989970.png) > [Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/because-of-acid-i-now-know-that-butter-is-way-better-than-margarine/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/979/mitch-hedberg-695_acid_because-of-acid-i-now-know-that-butter-i_2493674.png) > [I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-once-saw-a-forklift-lift-a-crate-of-forks-and-it-was-way-to-literal/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/836/mitch-hedberg-695_forks_i-once-saw-a-forklift-lift-a-crate-of-fo_2705012.png) > [If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said-that-i-d-be-making-money-in-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/feb/mitch-hedberg-695_dollar_if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said_1971923.png) > [I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-played-golf-i-did-not-get-a-hole-in-one-but-i-did-hit-a-guy-that-s/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e56/mitch-hedberg-695_golf_i-played-golf-i-did-not-get-a-hole-in-on_1906770.png) > [I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which-direction-to-go-it-s-like-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_arrow_i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which_1998180.png) > [I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-repo-man-those-would-be-hard-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/mitch-hedberg-695_cutting_i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-rep_2517180.png) > [I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-friend-and-he-said-i-hear-music/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png) > [My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bears-it-s-the-cutest-infestation/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bear_3176724.jpg) > [A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather-is-trippy-i-said-no-man-it-s/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png) > [The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into-stores-is-if-i-took-one-in/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png) > [Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/every-mcdonald-s-commercial-ends-the-same-way-prices-and/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_blanket_every-mcdonald-s-commercial-ends-the-sam_3104883.jpg) > [Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-don-t-when-i-get-drunk-i-don-t/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bda/mitch-hedberg-695_bunch_some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-do_1293914.png) > [I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png) > [If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-three-way-light-bulb-it-messes/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a39/mitch-hedberg-695_break_if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-thre_2095505.jpg) > [People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/people-think-i-m-into-sports-because-i-m-a-man-but-i-m-not-into/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e15/mitch-hedberg-695_basketball_people-think-i-m-into-sports-because-i-m_1669752.png) > [When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-we-were-on-acid-we-would-go-into-the-woods-because-there-was/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d3/mitch-hedberg-695_acid_when-we-were-on-acid-we-would-go-into-th_864215.png) ## Other authors on Way ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "18 Way Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 18, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish I could play little league now. 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It's like \"I ain't going that way, line with two…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - \"Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-repo-man-those-would-be-hard-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/mitch-hedberg-695_cutting_i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-rep_2517180.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/mitch-hedberg-695_cutting_i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-rep_2517180.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/mitch-hedberg-695_cutting_i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-rep_2517180.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - \"Knock knock - Hi, would…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-friend-and-he-said-i-hear-music/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like \"Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bears-it-s-the-cutest-infestation/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bear_3176724.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bear_3176724.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bear_3176724.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A friend said to me, \"I think the weather is trippy.\" I said, \"No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it.\" And then I realized I just should have said, \"Yeah.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather-is-trippy-i-said-no-man-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A friend said to me, \"I think the weather is trippy.\" I said, \"No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. \"Sir, you forgot this.\" \"No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into-stores-is-if-i-took-one-in/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. \"Sir, you forgot this.\"…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. \"Cheeseburgers?\" \"Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/every-mcdonald-s-commercial-ends-the-same-way-prices-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_blanket_every-mcdonald-s-commercial-ends-the-sam_3104883.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_blanket_every-mcdonald-s-commercial-ends-the-sam_3104883.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_blanket_every-mcdonald-s-commercial-ends-the-sam_3104883.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-don-t-when-i-get-drunk-i-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bda/mitch-hedberg-695_bunch_some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-do_1293914.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bda/mitch-hedberg-695_bunch_some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-do_1293914.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bda/mitch-hedberg-695_bunch_some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-do_1293914.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'.\" That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-three-way-light-bulb-it-messes/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a39/mitch-hedberg-695_break_if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-thre_2095505.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a39/mitch-hedberg-695_break_if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-thre_2095505.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a39/mitch-hedberg-695_break_if-you-don-t-know-a-light-bulb-is-a-thre_2095505.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/people-think-i-m-into-sports-because-i-m-a-man-but-i-m-not-into/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e15/mitch-hedberg-695_basketball_people-think-i-m-into-sports-because-i-m_1669752.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e15/mitch-hedberg-695_basketball_people-think-i-m-into-sports-because-i-m_1669752.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e15/mitch-hedberg-695_basketball_people-think-i-m-into-sports-because-i-m_1669752.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, \"Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-we-were-on-acid-we-would-go-into-the-woods-because-there-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d3/mitch-hedberg-695_acid_when-we-were-on-acid-we-would-go-into-th_864215.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d3/mitch-hedberg-695_acid_when-we-were-on-acid-we-would-go-into-th_864215.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d3/mitch-hedberg-695_acid_when-we-were-on-acid-we-would-go-into-th_864215.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/mitch-hedberg/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/mitch-hedberg/", "name": "Way Quotes by Mitch Hedberg", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1d/mitch-hedberg-695_baseball_i-wish-i-could-play-little-league-now-i_2435827.png" }, "description": "18 Way quotes by Mitch Hedberg. 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