--- title: "30 Way Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "30 Way quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Way sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid_3078362.jpg" --- > [Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid-s-pillow-how-about-a/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid_3078362.jpg) > [If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-had-a-mine-shaft-i-don-t-think-i-would-just-abandon-it-there-s/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9de/jack-handey-829_abandon_if-i-had-a-mine-shaft-i-don-t-think-i-wo_1893659.jpg) > [Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-a-seeing-eye-dog-what-about-a-gun-it-s-cheaper-than-a-dog/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b61/jack-handey-829_amendment_instead-of-a-seeing-eye-dog-what-about-a_3041990.jpg) > [I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-one-way-police-departments-could-make-some-money-would-be-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg) > [Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/children-need-encouragement-if-a-kid-gets-an-answer-right-tell-him-it/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbf/jack-handey-829_answers_children-need-encouragement-if-a-kid-get_2936460.jpg) > [A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/a-good-way-to-threaten-somebody-is-to-light-a-stick-of-dynamite-then/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/jack-handey-829_baby_a-good-way-to-threaten-somebody-is-to-li_2020538.jpg) > [Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice-a-golf-ball-in-half-someone/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg) > [I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-d-like-to-be-buried-indian-style-where-they-put-you-up-on-a-high/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/33f/jack-handey-829_buried_i-d-like-to-be-buried-indian-style-where_2616627.jpg) > [If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think-i-d-try-to-stay-near-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg) > [It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-jay-was-trying-to-communicate/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg) > [Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk-and-i-are-a-lot-alike-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg) > [When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-they-ask-you-a-bunch-of/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bd/jack-handey-829_bunch_when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-t_781252.jpg) > [I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-way-to-get-into-a-movie-is-to-show-up-where-they-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87c/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-think-a-good-way-to-get-into-a-movie-i_355260.jpg) > [If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-someone-told-me-it-wasn-t-fashionable-to-talk-about-freedom-i/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fdf/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-someone-told-me-it-wasn-t-fashionable_2049236.jpg) > [Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/perhaps-if-i-am-very-lucky-the-feeble-efforts-of-my-lifetime-will/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3eb/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_perhaps-if-i-am-very-lucky-the-feeble-ef_2700386.jpg) > [I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-on-a-planet-that-had-two-suns-regular-sun-and-rogue/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/030/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-i-lived-on-a-planet-that-had-two_793600.jpg) > [The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor-so-none-of-the-children-had/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg) > [Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-question-in-class-how-about/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/023/jack-handey-829_boards_instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-qu_786158.jpg) > [I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-back-in-time-to-where-there-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg) > [You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-can-t-tell-me-that-cowboys-when-they-re-branding-cattle-don-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/780/jack-handey-829_branding_you-can-t-tell-me-that-cowboys-when-they_203574.jpg) > [I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-a-robot-would-get-elected-president-that-way-when-he-came-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-a-robot-would-get-elected-preside_1106634.jpg) > [I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-scientists-would-come-up-with-a-way-to-make-dogs-a-lot-bigger/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6c/jack-handey-829_animal_i-wish-scientists-would-come-up-with-a-w_2494740.jpg) > [When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-i-was-a-child-there-were-times-when-we-had-to-entertain/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aec/jack-handey-829_children_when-i-was-a-child-there-were-times-when_336805.jpg) > [I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-all-shot-him-we-all-skinned/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg) > [When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-re-riding-in-a-time-machine-way-far-into-the-future-don-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b4/jack-handey-829_computers_when-you-re-riding-in-a-time-machine-way_1327260.jpg) > [If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-ever-do-a-book-on-the-amazon-i-hope-i-am-able-to-bring-a/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8d/jack-handey-829_able_if-i-ever-do-a-book-on-the-amazon-i-hope_1963943.jpg) > [A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-from-killing-your-monster-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg) > [I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-way-to-breed-a-very-large/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac0/jack-handey-829_come-up_i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-w_905445.jpg) > [When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-speaker-as-a-former-illegal/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg) > [If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-and-you-re-eating-corn-on-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg) ## Other authors on Way ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "30 Way Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 30, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that \"wishing\" isn't going to save out national forests.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid-s-pillow-how-about-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid_3078362.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid_3078362.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid_3078362.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that \"wishing\"…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-had-a-mine-shaft-i-don-t-think-i-would-just-abandon-it-there-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9de/jack-handey-829_abandon_if-i-had-a-mine-shaft-i-don-t-think-i-wo_1893659.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9de/jack-handey-829_abandon_if-i-had-a-mine-shaft-i-don-t-think-i-wo_1893659.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9de/jack-handey-829_abandon_if-i-had-a-mine-shaft-i-don-t-think-i-wo_1893659.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-a-seeing-eye-dog-what-about-a-gun-it-s-cheaper-than-a-dog/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b61/jack-handey-829_amendment_instead-of-a-seeing-eye-dog-what-about-a_3041990.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b61/jack-handey-829_amendment_instead-of-a-seeing-eye-dog-what-about-a_3041990.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b61/jack-handey-829_amendment_instead-of-a-seeing-eye-dog-what-about-a_3041990.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-one-way-police-departments-could-make-some-money-would-be-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c9/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-one-way-police-departments-could_1202574.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/children-need-encouragement-if-a-kid-gets-an-answer-right-tell-him-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbf/jack-handey-829_answers_children-need-encouragement-if-a-kid-get_2936460.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbf/jack-handey-829_answers_children-need-encouragement-if-a-kid-get_2936460.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbf/jack-handey-829_answers_children-need-encouragement-if-a-kid-get_2936460.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. \"Hear that?\" you say. \"That's dynamite, baby.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/a-good-way-to-threaten-somebody-is-to-light-a-stick-of-dynamite-then/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/jack-handey-829_baby_a-good-way-to-threaten-somebody-is-to-li_2020538.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/jack-handey-829_baby_a-good-way-to-threaten-somebody-is-to-li_2020538.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/jack-handey-829_baby_a-good-way-to-threaten-somebody-is-to-li_2020538.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice-a-golf-ball-in-half-someone/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3fb/jack-handey-829_balls_do-you-know-what-happens-when-you-slice_446690.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-d-like-to-be-buried-indian-style-where-they-put-you-up-on-a-high/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/33f/jack-handey-829_buried_i-d-like-to-be-buried-indian-style-where_2616627.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/33f/jack-handey-829_buried_i-d-like-to-be-buried-indian-style-where_2616627.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/33f/jack-handey-829_buried_i-d-like-to-be-buried-indian-style-where_2616627.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think-i-d-try-to-stay-near-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. \"What?! What?!\" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-jay-was-trying-to-communicate/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our \"stink\" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk-and-i-are-a-lot-alike-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, \"No speaka English.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-they-ask-you-a-bunch-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bd/jack-handey-829_bunch_when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-t_781252.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bd/jack-handey-829_bunch_when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-t_781252.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bd/jack-handey-829_bunch_when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-t_781252.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, \"Hey, let's put him in the movie.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-way-to-get-into-a-movie-is-to-show-up-where-they-re/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87c/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-think-a-good-way-to-get-into-a-movie-i_355260.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87c/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-think-a-good-way-to-get-into-a-movie-i_355260.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87c/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-think-a-good-way-to-get-into-a-movie-i_355260.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If someone told me it wasn't \"fashionable\" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, \"Okay, YOU TELL ME what's 'fashionable'.\" But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, \"By the way, what's fashionable?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-someone-told-me-it-wasn-t-fashionable-to-talk-about-freedom-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fdf/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-someone-told-me-it-wasn-t-fashionable_2049236.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fdf/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-someone-told-me-it-wasn-t-fashionable_2049236.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fdf/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-someone-told-me-it-wasn-t-fashionable_2049236.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If someone told me it wasn't \"fashionable\" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/perhaps-if-i-am-very-lucky-the-feeble-efforts-of-my-lifetime-will/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3eb/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_perhaps-if-i-am-very-lucky-the-feeble-ef_2700386.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3eb/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_perhaps-if-i-am-very-lucky-the-feeble-ef_2700386.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3eb/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_perhaps-if-i-am-very-lucky-the-feeble-ef_2700386.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and \"rogue\" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, \"Regular time?\" And they'd say, \"Yeah.\" And I'd say, \"Sorry, all I have is rogue time.\" It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-on-a-planet-that-had-two-suns-regular-sun-and-rogue/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/030/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-i-lived-on-a-planet-that-had-two_793600.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/030/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-i-lived-on-a-planet-that-had-two_793600.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/030/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-i-lived-on-a-planet-that-had-two_793600.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and \"rogue\" sun. That way, when somebody asked me…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor-so-none-of-the-children-had/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is assking the question.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-question-in-class-how-about/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/023/jack-handey-829_boards_instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-qu_786158.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/023/jack-handey-829_boards_instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-qu_786158.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/023/jack-handey-829_boards_instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-qu_786158.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk?…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, \"If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.\" Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-back-in-time-to-where-there-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of \"accidentally\" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-can-t-tell-me-that-cowboys-when-they-re-branding-cattle-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/780/jack-handey-829_branding_you-can-t-tell-me-that-cowboys-when-they_203574.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/780/jack-handey-829_branding_you-can-t-tell-me-that-cowboys-when-they_203574.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/780/jack-handey-829_branding_you-can-t-tell-me-that-cowboys-when-they_203574.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of \"accidentally\" brand each other…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-a-robot-would-get-elected-president-that-way-when-he-came-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-a-robot-would-get-elected-preside_1106634.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-a-robot-would-get-elected-preside_1106634.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-wish-a-robot-would-get-elected-preside_1106634.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-scientists-would-come-up-with-a-way-to-make-dogs-a-lot-bigger/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6c/jack-handey-829_animal_i-wish-scientists-would-come-up-with-a-w_2494740.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6c/jack-handey-829_animal_i-wish-scientists-would-come-up-with-a-w_2494740.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6c/jack-handey-829_animal_i-wish-scientists-would-come-up-with-a-w_2494740.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-i-was-a-child-there-were-times-when-we-had-to-entertain/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aec/jack-handey-829_children_when-i-was-a-child-there-were-times-when_336805.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aec/jack-handey-829_children_when-i-was-a-child-there-were-times-when_336805.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aec/jack-handey-829_children_when-i-was-a-child-there-were-times-when_336805.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, \"I helped skin Bob.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-all-shot-him-we-all-skinned/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-re-riding-in-a-time-machine-way-far-into-the-future-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b4/jack-handey-829_computers_when-you-re-riding-in-a-time-machine-way_1327260.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b4/jack-handey-829_computers_when-you-re-riding-in-a-time-machine-way_1327260.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b4/jack-handey-829_computers_when-you-re-riding-in-a-time-machine-way_1327260.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-ever-do-a-book-on-the-amazon-i-hope-i-am-able-to-bring-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8d/jack-handey-829_able_if-i-ever-do-a-book-on-the-amazon-i-hope_1963943.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8d/jack-handey-829_able_if-i-ever-do-a-book-on-the-amazon-i-hope_1963943.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8d/jack-handey-829_able_if-i-ever-do-a-book-on-the-amazon-i-hope_1963943.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-from-killing-your-monster-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-way-to-breed-a-very-large/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac0/jack-handey-829_come-up_i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-w_905445.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac0/jack-handey-829_come-up_i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-w_905445.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac0/jack-handey-829_come-up_i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-w_905445.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 29, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, \"What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?\" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-speaker-as-a-former-illegal/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-and-you-re-eating-corn-on-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/", "name": "Way Quotes by Jack Handey", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f9b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_instead-of-putting-a-quarter-under-a-kid_3078362.jpg" }, "description": "30 Way quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Way sayings from other authors.", "breadcrumb": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/#breadcrumb" } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/#breadcrumb", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Topics", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/categories/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Way", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "name": "Jack Handey", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/way/jack-handey/" } ] }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```