---
title: "26 Want Quotes By Stephen Colbert"
description: "26 Want quotes by Stephen Colbert. Plus more from Stephen Colbert and more Want sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c3/stephen-colbert-503_car_when-my-car-runs-out-of-gas-i-buy-a-new_1267486.png"
---

> [When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/when-my-car-runs-out-of-gas-i-buy-a-new-one-i-don-t-want-to-ride/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c3/stephen-colbert-503_car_when-my-car-runs-out-of-gas-i-buy-a-new_1267486.png)

> [I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-don-t-want-someone-shoving-his-views-down-my-throat-unless-they-re/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c1/stephen-colbert-503_candy_i-don-t-want-someone-shoving-his-views-d_2979336.png)

> [Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/liberals-want-to-burn-the-flag-but-progressives-just-want-to/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff6/stephen-colbert-503_flags_liberals-want-to-burn-the-flag-but-progr_218516.png)

> [If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-poor-people-want-food-stamps-they-should-become-massive/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/deb/stephen-colbert-503_corporations_if-poor-people-want-food-stamps-they-sho_2232673.png)

> [Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/opinions-are-like-demo-tapes-i-don-t-want-to-hear-yours/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fcc/stephen-colbert-503_demos_opinions-are-like-demo-tapes-i-don-t-wan_1150316.png)

> [Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/wikipedia-is-the-first-place-i-go-when-i-m-looking-for-knowledge-or/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/353/stephen-colbert-503_first-place_wikipedia-is-the-first-place-i-go-when-i_1462018.png)

> [I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-not-only-loved-studying-theater-i-loved-being-a-theater-major-it/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c36/stephen-colbert-503_beard_i-not-only-loved-studying-theater-i-love_2684019.png)

> [I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-m-not-going-to-name-any-names-but-let-s-just-say-i-want-to-do-jokes/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0de/stephen-colbert-503_dry_i-m-not-going-to-name-any-names-but-let_2476169.png)

> [You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/you-don-t-want-to-just-do-a-joke-because-it-works-we-can-make-a-lot/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c20/stephen-colbert-503_argument_you-don-t-want-to-just-do-a-joke-because_3076536.jpg)

> [No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/no-matter-how-you-were-born-no-matter-how-you-identify-i-want-to-be/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ccd/stephen-colbert-503_be-proud_no-matter-how-you-were-born-no-matter-ho_2458694.png)

> [Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/women-don-t-want-all-that-women-just-want-a-partner-who-is/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/020/stephen-colbert-503_candlelight_women-don-t-want-all-that-women-just-wan_1397806.png)

> [Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/twenty-two-astronauts-were-born-in-ohio-what-is-it-about-your-state/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d0/stephen-colbert-503_astronaut_twenty-two-astronauts-were-born-in-ohio_696969.jpg)

> [We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-re-not-talking-about-truth-we-re-talking-about-something-that/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/21a/stephen-colbert-503_exist_we-re-not-talking-about-truth-we-re-talk_1860925.png)

> [What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/what-are-the-origins-of-dressage-did-just-one-day-some-young-horse/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8f/stephen-colbert-503_battle_what-are-the-origins-of-dressage-did-jus_1229190.png)

> [If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/if-this-is-going-to-be-a-christian-nation-that-doesn-t-help-the-poor/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/719/stephen-colbert-503_acknowledge_if-this-is-going-to-be-a-christian-natio_844825.jpg)

> [I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-am-no-fan-of-books-and-chances-are-if-you-re-reading-this-you-and-i/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/433/stephen-colbert-503_book_i-am-no-fan-of-books-and-chances-are-if_1125171.png)

> [The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/the-most-common-thing-that-real-reporters-say-to-me-is-i-wish-i-could/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b3f/stephen-colbert-503_able_the-most-common-thing-that-real-reporter_227625.jpg)

> [The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/the-trouble-with-the-jokes-is-that-once-they-re-written-i-know-how/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/519/stephen-colbert-503_between_the-trouble-with-the-jokes-is-that-once_1658738.jpg)

> [Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/hatemongers-like-media-matters-take-innocent-statements-like-mine/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/882/stephen-colbert-503_agree_hatemongers-like-media-matters-take-inno_1308996.png)

> [I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-m-fascinated-that-people-drawn-to-cults-want-to-know-what-to-do-and/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b0/stephen-colbert-503_cult_i-m-fascinated-that-people-drawn-to-cult_853571.png)

> [No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/no-one-has-any-idea-what-s-going-to-happen-not-even-elon-musk-that-s/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b1/stephen-colbert-503_another-world_no-one-has-any-idea-what-s-going-to-happ_1679925.png)

> [Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/who-s-britannica-to-tell-me-that-the-panama-canal-was-built-in-1914/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f8/stephen-colbert-503_built_who-s-britannica-to-tell-me-that-the-pan_2623325.png)

> [I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-ve-always-been-a-big-fan-of-beauty-sure-you-can-t-judge-a-book-by/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efd/stephen-colbert-503_beauty_i-ve-always-been-a-big-fan-of-beauty-sur_2741776.png)

> [Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/truthiness-is-what-you-want-the-facts-to-be-as-opposed-to-what-the/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d20/stephen-colbert-503_answers_truthiness-is-what-you-want-the-facts-to_1731447.png)

> [This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/this-is-america-i-don-t-want-a-tomato-picked-by-a-mexican-i-want-it/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d1/stephen-colbert-503_america_this-is-america-i-don-t-want-a-tomato-pi_1552404.png)

> [The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/the-fate-of-our-country-is-now-in-the-hands-of-people-who-don-t-think/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35f/stephen-colbert-503_country_the-fate-of-our-country-is-now-in-the-ha_359292.png)

## Other authors on Want

## More by Stephen Colbert

> [Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/don-t-be-bitter-everybody-suffers-if-you-can-accept-your-suffering/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/cynicism-masquerades-as-wisdom-but-it-is-the-farthest-thing-from-it/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/we-all-deserve-credit-for-this-new-surveillance-state-that-we-live-in/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-ve-long-been-against-illegal-aliens-partly-because-they-distract-us/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/believe-in-me-cause-i-don-t-believe-in-anything-and-i-wanna-be/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/it-s-august-which-means-congress-is-on-recess-and-mitch-mcconnell-has/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/try-to-love-others-and-serve-others-and-hopefully-find-those-who-love/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/thirty-seconds-is-the-exact-amount-of-time-americans-can-tolerate/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-used-to-make-up-stuff-in-my-bio-all-the-time-that-i-used-to-be-a/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/i-live-by-syllogisms-god-is-love-love-is-blind-stevie-wonder-is-blind/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/unlike-paul-newman-who-seems-to-think-that-salad-dressing-is-the-cure/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/now-for-my-younger-viewers-out-there-a-book-is-something-we-used-to/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/jesus-forgives-sinners-not-criminals/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/used-books-are-the-sluts-of-the-literary-world-passed-around-from/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

> [“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephen-colbert/divorce-is-a-marital-welfare-it-s-just-couples-asking-society-to-bail/)

[Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/stephen-colbert/)

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                        "text": "Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.",
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                        "text": "I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.",
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                        "text": "I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.",
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                        "text": "You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.",
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                        "text": "No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.",
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                        "text": "Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.",
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                        "text": "Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?\" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, \"The Colbert Report,\" November 3, 2005",
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                        "text": "We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.",
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                        "text": "What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?",
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                        "text": "If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.",
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                        "text": "I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.",
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                        "text": "The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, \"I wish I could say what you say.\" What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?",
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                        "text": "The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.",
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                        "text": "Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.",
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                        "text": "I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.",
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