---
title: "36 Want Quotes By Mitch Hedberg"
description: "36 Want quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Want sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aa2/mitch-hedberg-695_boat_if-you-re-a-fish-and-you-want-to-be-a-fi_1828069.png"
---

> [If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-re-a-fish-and-you-want-to-be-a-fish-stick-you-have-to-have/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aa2/mitch-hedberg-695_boat_if-you-re-a-fish-and-you-want-to-be-a-fi_1828069.png)

> [Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-and-want-to-eat-two-thousand-of/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c2/mitch-hedberg-695_food_rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-an_2170273.png)

> [I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-binoculars-cause-i-don-t-want-to-go-that-close/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc6/mitch-hedberg-695_binoculars_i-got-binoculars-cause-i-don-t-want-to-g_3137691.png)

> [I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-get-non-aerosol-mace-you-just-rub-it-in-dude-who-is/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae5/mitch-hedberg-695_attacking_i-want-to-get-non-aerosol-mace-you-just_2578749.png)

> [If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-want-to-talk-to-me-after-the-show-i-d-be-surprised/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/265/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_if-you-want-to-talk-to-me-after-the-show_3185279.png)

> [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d5e/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-a_2674866.png)

> [I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-be-a-rebellious-mcdonald-s-owner-cheeseburgers-nope-we-got/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7eb/mitch-hedberg-695_cheeseburger_i-want-to-be-a-rebellious-mcdonald-s-own_3103158.png)

> [I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-down-and-sit-down-again-on/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74f/mitch-hedberg-695_cases_i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-d_2416752.png)

> [I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-own-a-cell-phone-or-a-pager-i-just-hang-around-everyone-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/808/mitch-hedberg-695_cell-phone_i-don-t-own-a-cell-phone-or-a-pager-i-ju_1779517.png)

> [I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-repo-man-those-would-be-hard-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23b/mitch-hedberg-695_cutting_i-would-not-want-to-be-a-mobile-home-rep_2517180.png)

> [I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-you-re-hungry-and-want-2000-of-something-2/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/85f/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-you-re-hung_2558969.png)

> [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd8/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m_19829.png)

> [I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-apples-the-clerk-said-do-you/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e9/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-app_999112.png)

> [If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-you-boat-a-lot-you-re-known-as-a-boating-enthusiast-i-like-to-boat/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad0/mitch-hedberg-695_boat_if-you-boat-a-lot-you-re-known-as-a-boat_2124964.png)

> [You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-they-have-a-fishing-show-on-tv-they-catch-the-fish-and/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3af/mitch-hedberg-695_fish_you-know-when-they-have-a-fishing-show-o_953996.jpg)

> [I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-want-to-have-my-face-on-the-cover-of-a-wheaties-box-i-wanna/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/11c/mitch-hedberg-695_boxes_i-don-t-want-to-have-my-face-on-the-cove_2852697.png)

> [That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/that-s-always-disappointed-me-to-see-a-guy-in-the-crowd-who-doesn-t/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb5/mitch-hedberg-695_closing_that-s-always-disappointed-me-to-see-a-g_1730856.png)

> [When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-you-re-in-hollywood-and-you-re-a-comedian-everybody-wants-you-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f96/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_when-you-re-in-hollywood-and-you-re-a-co_1126705.png)

> [I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-thought-i-d-go-to-a-craft-fair-and-there-would-be-a-jar-of/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/706/mitch-hedberg-695_crafts_i-thought-i-d-go-to-a-craft-fair-and-the_3197998.png)

> [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a8/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-a_768.png)

> [You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-a-company-wants-to-use-letters-in-their-phone-number/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a0/mitch-hedberg-695_brand-new_you-know-when-a-company-wants-to-use-let_237247.png)

> [My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bears-it-s-the-cutest-infestation/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1f/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_my-apartment-is-infested-with-koala-bear_3176724.jpg)

> [Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-don-t-when-i-get-drunk-i-don-t/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bda/mitch-hedberg-695_bunch_some-comics-get-drunk-before-a-show-i-do_1293914.png)

> [I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-baked-potatoes-i-don-t-have-a-microwave-oven-and-it-takes/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b9/mitch-hedberg-695_bake_i-like-baked-potatoes-i-don-t-have-a-mic_2446809.jpg)

> [I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-make-a-vending-machine-that-sells-vending-machines-it-d/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/61c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-real_i-want-to-make-a-vending-machine-that-se_1438883.png)

> [I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-put-fruit-on-top-of-my-waffles-because-i-want-something-to-brush-off/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/263/mitch-hedberg-695_brushes_i-put-fruit-on-top-of-my-waffles-because_1235197.png)

> [I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-ride-in-a-cold-air-balloon-this-isn-t-going-anywhere/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/053/mitch-hedberg-695_air_i-want-to-ride-in-a-cold-air-balloon-thi_189107.png)

> [I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-rob-a-bank-with-a-bb-gun-give-me-all-your-money-or-i-will/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ec/mitch-hedberg-695_cute_i-want-to-rob-a-bank-with-a-bb-gun-give_934503.jpg)

> [I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-get-a-job-naming-kitchen-appliances-that-seems-easy/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/452/mitch-hedberg-695_add_i-want-to-get-a-job-naming-kitchen-appli_2669890.png)

> [I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-dreaming-because-when-you-want-to-sleep-you-want-to-sleep/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e3/mitch-hedberg-695_carts_i-hate-dreaming-because-when-you-want-to_2943666.jpg)

> [I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun-sized-candy-bars-and-the/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun_1507453.png)

> [When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-you-start-out-in-comedy-or-probably-in-a-lot-of-things-you-want/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee7/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_when-you-start-out-in-comedy-or-probably_2362382.png)

> [I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-cottage-cheese-that-s-why-i-want-to-try-other-dwelling-cheeses/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e2/mitch-hedberg-695_apartment_i-like-cottage-cheese-that-s-why-i-want_2161420.png)

> [Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/stand-up-is-an-art-but-since-it-s-humor-and-it-s-funny-a-lot-of-guys/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/mitch-hedberg-695_angle_stand-up-is-an-art-but-since-it-s-humor_552849.png)

> [I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-be-a-race-car-passenger-just-a-guy-who-bugs-the-driver-say/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/064/mitch-hedberg-695_bugs_i-want-to-be-a-race-car-passenger-just-a_1943894.png)

> [Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think-that-i-need-to-put-some/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec2/mitch-hedberg-695_acting_every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think_798631.jpg)

## Other authors on Want

## More by Mitch Hedberg

> [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

> [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/)

[Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/)

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                        "text": "I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - \"Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?\"",
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                        "text": "I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.",
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                        "text": "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.",
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                        "text": "I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. \"Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop\"!",
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                        "text": "That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.",
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                        "text": "I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - \"Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize\". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.",
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                        "text": "I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. \"What time is it, Mitch?\" \"Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.\" \"Shi*, I had to be somewhere...\"",
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                        "text": "You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? \"Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.\" Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? \"Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!\"",
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                        "text": "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like \"Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.\"",
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                        "text": "Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!",
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                        "text": "I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?",
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                        "text": "I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.",
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                        "text": "I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.",
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                        "text": "I want to ride in a cold air balloon. \"This isn't going anywhere!\"",
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                        "text": "I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. \"Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.\"",
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                        "text": "I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add \"er\".",
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                        "text": "I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.",
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                        "text": "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.",
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