---
title: "39 Want Quotes By Jon Stewart"
description: "39 Want quotes by Jon Stewart. Plus more from Jon Stewart and more Want sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/99a/jon-stewart-455_inspirational_like-everyone-else-i-want-to-sleep-with_789580.jpg"
---

> [Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/like-everyone-else-i-want-to-sleep-with-leonardo-dicaprio/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/99a/jon-stewart-455_inspirational_like-everyone-else-i-want-to-sleep-with_789580.jpg)

> [I want a sandwich named after me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-want-a-sandwich-named-after-me/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/754/jon-stewart-455_fame_i-want-a-sandwich-named-after-me-2935620_2935620.jpg)

> [You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-ve-confused-a-war-on-your-religion-with-not-always-getting/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b2/jon-stewart-455_confused_you-ve-confused-a-war-on-your-religion-w_2184689.jpg)

> [They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/they-may-want-to-insist-that-corporations-are-people-but-corporations/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d10/jon-stewart-455_corporations_they-may-want-to-insist-that-corporation_1614192.jpg)

> [If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/if-the-guy-in-front-of-you-at-the-polls-has-arm-swords-you-might-want/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e86/jon-stewart-455_arms_if-the-guy-in-front-of-you-at-the-polls_2258638.jpg)

> [I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-want-to-look-back-on-my-career-and-be-proud-of-the-work-and-be/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/561/jon-stewart-455_be-proud_i-want-to-look-back-on-my-career-and-be_514046.jpg)

> [I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege,](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-want-you-to-admit-that-there-is-such-a-thing-as-white-privilege/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37e/jon-stewart-455_i-want-you_i-want-you-to-admit-that-there-is-such-a_2872183.jpg)

> [Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/why-do-i-have-to-follow-cnn-on-twitter-if-i-want-to-follow-cnn-i-can/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/28e/jon-stewart-455_cnn_why-do-i-have-to-follow-cnn-on-twitter-i_2304849.jpg)

> [You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-i-just-want-to-say-to-her-sarah-palin-just-very-quickly-f-you/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7fe/jon-stewart-455_knows_you-know-i-just-want-to-say-to-her-sarah_1156842.jpg)

> [Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/whenever-you-take-over-something-that-is-popular-and-has-a-fanatical/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f76/jon-stewart-455_enough_whenever-you-take-over-something-that-is_2693530.jpg)

> [You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-just-have-to-keep-trying-to-do-good-work-and-hope-that-it-leads/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/jon-stewart-455_be-proud_you-just-have-to-keep-trying-to-do-good_22198.jpg)

> [Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/alright-guys-i-want-to-get-out-there-and-vote-tomorrow-and-not/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e9/jon-stewart-455_alright_alright-guys-i-want-to-get-out-there-and_1211481.jpg)

> [Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/here-s-how-bizarre-the-war-is-that-we-re-in-iraq-and-we-should-have/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/827/jon-stewart-455_bizarre_here-s-how-bizarre-the-war-is-that-we-re_406841.jpg)

> [And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/and-then-you-ve-got-lieberman-who-is-for-the-war-and-thinks-the-tax/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/011/jon-stewart-455_cutting_and-then-you-ve-got-lieberman-who-is-for_1383108.jpg)

> [At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/at-first-the-difference-will-be-in-whatever-atmosphere-i-bring-into/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/43b/jon-stewart-455_abstract_at-first-the-difference-will-be-in-whate_1732185.jpg)

> [ Don't confuse \[Father's Day\] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/don-t-confuse-father-s-day-with-valentine-s-day-and-here-s-why-boy/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/128/jon-stewart-455_boys_don-t-confuse-father-s-day-with-valentin_3112645.jpg)

> [People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/people-don-t-understand-that-we-re-not-warriors-in-their-cause-we-re/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4b8/jon-stewart-455_absurdity_people-don-t-understand-that-we-re-not-w_912407.jpg)

> [But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/but-our-perfect-democracy-which-neither-needs-nor-particularly-wants/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3f6/jon-stewart-455_democracy_but-our-perfect-democracy-which-neither_502422.jpg)

> [You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-talk-about-the-pro-life-movement-being-one-of-the-great-shames-of/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/jon-stewart-455_absolutes_you-talk-about-the-pro-life-movement-bei_2837818.jpg)

> [Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/most-americans-don-t-live-their-lives-solely-as-democrats-or/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/435/jon-stewart-455_bits_most-americans-don-t-live-their-lives-so_1320748.jpg)

> [But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/but-the-main-thing-i-don-t-want-to-be-is-un-funny-that-s-really-the/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/945/jon-stewart-455_baby_but-the-main-thing-i-don-t-want-to-be-is_1450218.jpg)

> [You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-can-truly-grieve-for-every-officer-who-s-been-lost-in-the-line-of/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/783/jon-stewart-455_cases_you-can-truly-grieve-for-every-officer-w_1003208.jpg)

> [ The thing that \[the Senate and the House\] don't realize is that everyone wants them to come from beyond that contradiction so… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-thing-that-the-senate-and-the-house-don-t-realize-is-that/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaf/jon-stewart-455_can-do_the-thing-that-the-senate-and-the-house_2683994.jpg)

> [Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/thomas-jefferson-once-said-of-course-the-people-don-t-want-war-but/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/049/jon-stewart-455_awards_thomas-jefferson-once-said-of-course-the_297920.jpg)

> [All in all it's a pretty great day for major league sports. At long last they've decided that gay people are fit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/all-in-all-it-s-a-pretty-great-day-for-major-league-sports-at-long/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bff/jon-stewart-455_alcohol_all-in-all-it-s-a-pretty-great-day-for-m_2426821.jpg)

> [Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/some-people-have-criticized-the-united-states-and-the-united-states/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b4/jon-stewart-455_antiquity_some-people-have-criticized-the-united-s_2272538.jpg)

> [Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/isn-t-that-what-you-really-want-in-a-jean-the-ability-to-kick-people/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/924/jon-stewart-455_ability_isn-t-that-what-you-really-want-in-a-jea_602614.jpg)

> [Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/nineteen-people-flew-into-the-towers-it-seems-hard-for-me-to-imagine/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c4f/jon-stewart-455_enough_nineteen-people-flew-into-the-towers-it_403659.jpg)

> [That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/that-whole-thing-has-been-overstated-by-environmentalists-first-of/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/757/jon-stewart-455_believe_that-whole-thing-has-been-overstated-by_1741465.jpg)

> [You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-can-truly-grieve-for-every-officer-who-s-been-lost-in-the-line-of-2/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b6/jon-stewart-455_cases_you-can-truly-grieve-for-every-officer-w_2594555.jpg)

> [As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/as-we-approach-the-millennium-with-sort-of-the-idea-that-society-is/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jon-stewart-455_approach_as-we-approach-the-millennium-with-sort_437229.jpg)

> [The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-psychology-degree-is-simply-that-i-was-a-chemistry-major-and-they/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2cb/jon-stewart-455_answers_the-psychology-degree-is-simply-that-i-w_2836206.jpg)

> [Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/body-hair-you-know-when-you-re-swimming-as-a-kid-and-you-want-to/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/jon-stewart-455_beaver_body-hair-you-know-when-you-re-swimming_675814.jpg)

> [Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/songwriting-is-the-way-of-perpetual-want-songwriters-are-the-blessed/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e1f/jon-stewart-455_blessed_songwriting-is-the-way-of-perpetual-want_2928817.jpg)

> [I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-don-t-want-to-die-before-my-parents-die-especially-my-mother/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/475/jon-stewart-455_chance_i-don-t-want-to-die-before-my-parents-di_2488633.jpg)

> [Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/gay-people-can-t-be-proud-of-the-country-and-want-to-defend-it-too/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f00/jon-stewart-455_adorable_gay-people-can-t-be-proud-of-the-country_2412039.jpg)

> [You can have all the muskets you want! You can even have assault muskets!...Their (the NRA's) paranoid fear of a possible dystopic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-can-have-all-the-muskets-you-want-you-can-even-have-assault/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/808/jon-stewart-455_addresses_you-can-have-all-the-muskets-you-want-yo_975778.jpg)

> [If you want, you can try and get a broader perspective, or you can find people who are absolutely out of their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/if-you-want-you-can-try-and-get-a-broader-perspective-or-you-can-find/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e15/jon-stewart-455_complexes_if-you-want-you-can-try-and-get-a-broade_150665.jpg)

> [ The conversation that the Senate and the House are having with the President \[Barack Obama\] was very similar to the conversation that… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-conversation-that-the-senate-and-the-house-are-having-with-the/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5c0/jon-stewart-455_barack_the-conversation-that-the-senate-and-the_3000209.jpg)

## Other authors on Want

## More by Jon Stewart

> [Clearly, I'm way older than everyone.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/clearly-i-m-way-older-than-everyone/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-don-t-know-how-people-feel-that-s-the-beauty-of-tv-is-they-can-see/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [I don't think marijuana should be illegal.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-don-t-think-marijuana-should-be-illegal/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/i-reject-the-idea-there-are-just-two-sides-i-think-that-with-the/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/megachurches-i-can-t-be-the-only-one-frightened-when-our-houses-of/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/while-opponents-label-howard-dean-a-throwback-liberal-the-new-york/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-just-have-to-keep-trying-to-do-good-work-and-hope-that-it-leads/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/you-know-in-saudi-arabia-you-re-innocent-until-proven-jewish-female/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-unfortunate-yet-truly-exciting-thing-about-your-life-is-that/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/a-guy-who-says-what-people-who-aren-t-thinking-are-thinking/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/do-you-guys-have-to-sell-everything-i-d-like-to-buy-the-earth-s-core/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/christmas-and-the-new-year-are-actually-two-holidays-so-there-is-a/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/we-re-going-to-do-a-challenge-i-m-going-to-try-and-download-every/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/our-culture-is-just-a-series-of-checks-and-balances-the-whole-idea/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

> [For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/for-me-it-was-just-exciting-to-see-fake-news-catching-on-like-that-we/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

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                        "text": "They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.",
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                        "text": "If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.",
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                        "text": "I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.",
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                        "text": "I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege,",
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                        "text": "Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.",
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                        "text": "You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.",
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                        "text": "Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.",
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                        "text": "You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.",
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                        "text": "Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.",
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                        "text": "Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.",
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                        "text": "And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.",
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                        "text": "At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.",
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                        "text": "Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.",
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                        "text": "People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.",
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                        "text": "You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.",
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                        "text": "Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it's something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.",
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                        "text": "But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on 'Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.",
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                        "text": "You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards.",
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                        "text": "The thing that [the Senate and the House] don't realize is that everyone wants them to come from beyond that contradiction so that we can all fix it. Nobody is saying, \"We don't have a problem.\" Nobody is saying that, \"9/11 didn't happen.\" What they're saying is, \"We're not a fragile country, trust us to have this conversation, so that we can do this in the right way, in a more effective way.\"",
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                        "text": "Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.\" [Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]",
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                        "text": "All in all it's a pretty great day for major league sports. At long last they've decided that gay people are fit to be included in their elite club-one that's already allowed in adulterers, wife-swappers, gamblers,  cheaters, rapists, racists and slaughterers of man. Those who've abused spouses, drugs, alcohol, family members and animals. Congratulations, gay athletes. Are you sure you want to hang out with these people?",
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                        "text": "Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after.",
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                        "text": "Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.",
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                        "text": "Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.",
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                        "text": "That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.",
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                        "text": "You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.",
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                        "text": "As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.",
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                        "text": "The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.",
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                        "text": "Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!",
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                        "text": "Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.",
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                        "text": "You can have all the muskets you want! You can even have assault muskets!...Their (the NRA's) paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present.  We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of an imaginary Hitler.",
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                        "text": "The conversation that the Senate and the House are having with the President [Barack Obama] was very similar to the conversation that [John] McCain and I were having, which was two people talking over each other and nobody really addressing the underlying issues of what kind of country do we want to be.",
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