---
title: "36 Want Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld"
description: "36 Want quotes by Jerry Seinfeld. Plus more from Jerry Seinfeld and more Want sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/401/jerry-seinfeld-880_shows_i-only-do-a-show-when-there-s-somebody-i_988066.jpg"
---

> [I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-only-do-a-show-when-there-s-somebody-i-want-to-talk-to/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/401/jerry-seinfeld-880_shows_i-only-do-a-show-when-there-s-somebody-i_988066.jpg)

> [But I don't want to be a pirate!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/but-i-don-t-want-to-be-a-pirate/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd5/jerry-seinfeld-880_pirate_but-i-don-t-want-to-be-a-pirate-1835188_1835188.jpg)

> [Why would anybody want a friend?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/why-would-anybody-want-a-friend/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4e/jerry-seinfeld-880_friend_why-would-anybody-want-a-friend-757908_757908.jpg)

> [Men want to make women happy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/men-want-to-make-women-happy/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b3/jerry-seinfeld-880_happiness_men-want-to-make-women-happy-1848189_1848189.jpg)

> [Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/men-like-a-ref-decision-because-they-just-want-to-get-back-to-the-game/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bc/jerry-seinfeld-880_back_men-like-a-ref-decision-because-they-jus_323046.jpg)

> [I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-don-t-want-to-hear-the-specials-if-they-re-so-special-put-em-on-the/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fc/jerry-seinfeld-880_ems_i-don-t-want-to-hear-the-specials-if-the_1708151.jpg)

> [My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/my-parents-didn-t-want-to-move-to-florida-but-they-turned-sixty-and/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d74/jerry-seinfeld-880_florida_my-parents-didn-t-want-to-move-to-florid_3006917.jpg)

> [Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/responsible-who-wants-to-be-responsible-whenever-something-bad/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3f0/jerry-seinfeld-880_being-responsible_responsible-who-wants-to-be-responsible_1097594.jpg)

> [If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/if-i-want-a-long-boring-story-with-no-point-to-it-i-have-my-life/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c2/jerry-seinfeld-880_boring_if-i-want-a-long-boring-story-with-no-po_3107450.jpg)

> [Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/wise-is-what-you-want-to-be-smart-is-easy-compared-to-wise/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ef/jerry-seinfeld-880_being-smart_wise-is-what-you-want-to-be-smart-is-eas_402631.jpg)

> [The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-irs-they-re-like-the-mafia-they-can-take-anything-they-want/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/jerry-seinfeld-880_funny_the-irs-they-re-like-the-mafia-they-can_1740716.jpg)

> [Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/of-course-everyone-wants-to-be-healthy-the-amusing-thing-is-no-one-s/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d09/jerry-seinfeld-880_amusing_of-course-everyone-wants-to-be-healthy-t_1427527.jpg)

> [Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/men-want-the-same-thing-from-their-underwear-that-they-want-from/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae3/jerry-seinfeld-880_freedom_men-want-the-same-thing-from-their-under_1476458.jpg)

> [This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/this-is-one-of-my-big-things-of-creative-pursuits-you-have-your-idea/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf6/jerry-seinfeld-880_be-you_this-is-one-of-my-big-things-of-creative_1491549.jpg)

> [We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-want-to-do-a-lot-of-stuff-we-re-not-in-great-shape-we-didn-t-get-a/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd4/jerry-seinfeld-880_coffee_we-want-to-do-a-lot-of-stuff-we-re-not-i_633041.jpg)

> [I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-love-energy-i-love-it-and-i-pursue-it-and-i-want-more-of-it/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f3e/jerry-seinfeld-880_accounts_i-love-energy-i-love-it-and-i-pursue-it_586753.jpg)

> [I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-wish-i-was-a-phone-machine-i-wish-if-i-saw-somebody-on-the-street-i/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/544/jerry-seinfeld-880_answering-machines_i-wish-i-was-a-phone-machine-i-wish-if-i_1506318.jpg)

> [Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/somebody-just-gave-me-a-shower-radio-thanks-a-lot-do-you-really-want/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d45/jerry-seinfeld-880_better-place_somebody-just-gave-me-a-shower-radio-tha_2490856.jpg)

> [Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/why-does-mcdonald-s-have-to-count-every-burger-that-they-sell-what-is/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/jerry-seinfeld-880_burgers_why-does-mcdonald-s-have-to-count-every_779787.jpg)

> [For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/for-people-on-my-side-of-the-cubicle-the-goal-is-always-creativity/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe2/jerry-seinfeld-880_corporate_for-people-on-my-side-of-the-cubicle-the_1399412.jpg)

> [Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/cremation-has-become-the-most-popular-form-of-burial-in-the-united/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/627/jerry-seinfeld-880_ashes_cremation-has-become-the-most-popular-fo_2934115.jpg)

> [One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/one-day-i-was-watching-these-construction-workers-go-back-to-work-i/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b10/jerry-seinfeld-880_able_one-day-i-was-watching-these-constructio_661726.jpg)

> [Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/kids-don-t-say-wait-they-say-wait-up-hey-wait-up-because-when-you-re/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03a/jerry-seinfeld-880_calm_kids-don-t-say-wait-they-say-wait-up-hey_1459661.jpg)

> [I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-m-a-big-believer-than-a-great-bit-is-a-great-bit-if-i-go-and-see/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b5/jerry-seinfeld-880_beautiful_i-m-a-big-believer-than-a-great-bit-is-a_682214.jpg)

> [I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-know-there-are-kids-out-there-i-want-to-make-sure-they-all-know/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b7/jerry-seinfeld-880_backgrounds_i-know-there-are-kids-out-there-i-want-t_2778039.jpg)

> [Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/dogs-want-to-be-people-that-s-what-their-lives-are-about-they-don-t/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89b/jerry-seinfeld-880_dog_dogs-want-to-be-people-that-s-what-their_994050.jpg)

> [You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-want-to-do-good-things-and-once-you-ve-done-a-couple-of-good/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/788/jerry-seinfeld-880_am_you-want-to-do-good-things-and-once-you_3045103.jpg)

> [I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-don-t-want-to-be-too-critical-of-what-other-people-do-but-when/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/405/jerry-seinfeld-880_back_i-don-t-want-to-be-too-critical-of-what_628149.jpg)

> [Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/why-is-commitment-such-a-big-problem-for-a-man-i-think-that-for-some/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c86/jerry-seinfeld-880_big-problem_why-is-commitment-such-a-big-problem-for_1257078.jpg)

> [I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-don-t-need-you-to-be-funny-i-don-t-want-to-be-entertained/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/878/jerry-seinfeld-880_entertained_i-don-t-need-you-to-be-funny-i-don-t-wan_1284860.jpg)

> [I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-problem-with-the-strip-that-runs-along-the-bottom-of-the/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d5/jerry-seinfeld-880_bottom_i-have-a-problem-with-the-strip-that-run_847878.jpg)

> [Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/why-would-you-want-to-work-for-a-living-if-you-could-just-joke-around/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5c/jerry-seinfeld-880_celebrity_why-would-you-want-to-work-for-a-living_3205406.jpg)

> [People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/people-don-t-think-of-their-office-as-a-workplace-anymore-they-think/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f8/jerry-seinfeld-880_coffee_people-don-t-think-of-their-office-as-a_2085364.jpg)

> [I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-do-a-little-thing-about-the-way-people-shake-the-sweetener-packet/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/785/jerry-seinfeld-880_about_i-do-a-little-thing-about-the-way-people_3110306.jpg)

> [Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/women-go-after-doctors-like-men-go-after-models-they-want-someone/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c0b/jerry-seinfeld-880_body_women-go-after-doctors-like-men-go-after_1543952.jpg)

> [I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-think-the-answer-is-we-all-need-a-little-help-and-the-coffee-s-a/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/600/jerry-seinfeld-880_afternoon_i-think-the-answer-is-we-all-need-a-litt_1387073.jpg)

## Other authors on Want

## More by Jerry Seinfeld

> [“i chose not to run”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-chose-not-to-run/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-re-all-trying-to-get-to-the-same-island-whether-you-swim-fly-surf/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-nice-bookshelf-in-my-office-but-not-my-house-i-m-crass-but/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-s-no-downside-to-fame-and-people-who-whine-about-it-make-me/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-re-all-trying-to-get-to-the-same-island-whether-you-swim-fly-surf-2/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-was-in-the-drug-store-the-other-day-trying-to-get-a-cold-medication/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-went-up-to-the-camp-and-paul-had-me-eat-my-first-oyster-i-had-never/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/then-finally-the-third-year-begging-the-parents-i-got-the-superman/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/this-is-really-a-crazy-idea-you-know-it-probably-won-t-work-but-that/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/if-you-get-something-right-you-really-feel-it-right-in-your-chest-on/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/people-have-an-infinite-attention-span-if-you-are-entertaining-them/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/it-s-hard-to-do-nothing-because-you-tend-to-do-something-and-then-you/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-really-hard-laugh-is-like-sex-one-of-the-ultimate-diversions-of/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-are-many-things-you-can-point-to-as-proof-that-the-human-is-not/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

> [You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-what-i-never-get-with-the-limo-the-tinted-windows-is-that-so/)

[Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/)

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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!",
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                        "text": "Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.",
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                        "text": "We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.",
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                        "text": "I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.",
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                        "text": "I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, \"Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.\"",
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                        "text": "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.",
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                        "text": "Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?",
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                        "text": "Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.",
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                        "text": "One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.",
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                        "text": "Kids don't say, \"Wait.\" They say, \"Wait up, hey wait up!\" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. \"Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!\" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. \"Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down.\"",
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                        "text": "I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done.",
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                        "text": "I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.",
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                        "text": "Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, \"I could do that! He's not that good.",
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                        "text": "You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.",
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                        "text": "I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward.",
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                        "text": "Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, \"Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!\" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, \"Next exit 27 miles,\" and he thinks, \"I can make it.\"",
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                        "text": "I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.",
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                        "text": "I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.",
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                        "text": "Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.",
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