---
title: "23 Want Quotes By Jack Handey"
description: "23 Want quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Want sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd8/jack-handey-829_comedy_i-want-to-recriminalise-homosexuality-so_1538196.jpg"
---

> [I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-want-to-recriminalise-homosexuality-so-i-can-feel-dirty-when-i-do-it/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd8/jack-handey-829_comedy_i-want-to-recriminalise-homosexuality-so_1538196.jpg)

> [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/151/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enou_28362.jpg)

> [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/025/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-i_31108.jpg)

> [If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-sue-somebody-just-get-a-little-plastic-skeleton-and/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c30/jack-handey-829_ants_if-you-want-to-sue-somebody-just-get-a-l_1134697.jpg)

> [Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/whether-they-live-in-an-igloo-or-a-grass-shack-or-a-mud-hut-people/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da5/jack-handey-829_around-the-world_whether-they-live-in-an-igloo-or-a-grass_2006493.jpg)

> [The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-difference-between-a-man-and-a-boy-is-a-boy-wants-to-grow-up-to/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d0e/jack-handey-829_boys_the-difference-between-a-man-and-a-boy-i_433776.jpg)

> [The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive-myself-then-i-told-myself-go/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d7/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive_973256.jpg)

> [If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-party-here-s-a-good-thing-to/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-p_1291714.jpg)

> [If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-person-in-your-class-whenever-the/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ad/jack-handey-829_bigs_if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-perso_1068962.jpg)

> [Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-the-beauty-of-the-world-is-so-overwhelming-i-just-want-to/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/535/jack-handey-829_beautiful_sometimes-the-beauty-of-the-world-is-so_1026128.jpg)

> [I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-the-main-reason-the-police-keep-people-away-from-a-plane-crash/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/236/jack-handey-829_come-up_i-bet-the-main-reason-the-police-keep-pe_562445.jpg)

> [I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-guy-who-s-a-brain-scientist-but/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c70/jack-handey-829_brain_i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-gu_2371216.jpg)

> [If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-had-a-nickname-i-think-i-would-want-it-to-be-prince-of-weasels/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-i-had-a-nickname-i-think-i-would-want_339577.jpg)

> [Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-don-t-know/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/jack-handey-829_busy_here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a_1333541.jpg)

> [My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after-we-die-i-told-him-we-get/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58b/jack-handey-829_body_my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after_593497.jpg)

> [Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-sexy-enough-when-i-walk-into-a-singles-bar/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/573/jack-handey-829_bars_sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-sexy-enough-wh_1421911.jpg)

> [If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-the-party/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35f/jack-handey-829_body_if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-want-to-be_2639316.jpg)

> [Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-question-in-class-how-about/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/023/jack-handey-829_boards_instead-of-raising-your-hand-to-ask-a-qu_786158.jpg)

> [Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/too-bad-when-i-was-a-kid-there-wasn-t-a-guy-in-our-class-that/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/55e/jack-handey-829_boys_too-bad-when-i-was-a-kid-there-wasn-t-a_718589.jpg)

> [Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/higher-beings-from-outer-space-may-not-want-to-tell-us-the-secrets-of/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_higher-beings-from-outer-space-may-not-w_1421583.jpg)

> [There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in-the-first-stage-he-is-young/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d5c/jack-handey-829_beavers_there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in_2147797.jpg)

> [What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/what-is-it-about-a-beautiful-sunny-afternoon-with-the-birds-singing/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/32d/jack-handey-829_afternoon_what-is-it-about-a-beautiful-sunny-after_302759.jpg)

> [You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-can-kidnap-me-and-force-me-to-be-your-watchdog-if-you-want-to-but/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f6b/jack-handey-829_bark_you-can-kidnap-me-and-force-me-to-be-you_2401715.jpg)

## Other authors on Want

## More by Jack Handey

> [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

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                        "text": "The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, \"Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.\"",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, \"Well, technically that's illegal.\" It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
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                            "caption": "“If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are…” — Jack Handey",
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                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say \"How do you figger that!\" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
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                            "caption": "“If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just…” — Jack Handey",
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                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
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                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-the-beauty-of-the-world-is-so-overwhelming-i-just-want-to/",
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                            "caption": "“Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just…” — Jack Handey",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, \"What was THAT?!\"",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                            "caption": "“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in…” — Jack Handey",
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                    "position": 12,
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-movie-would-be-about-a-guy-who-s-a-brain-scientist-but/",
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                    "position": 13,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be \"Prince of Weasels\", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, \"What the-?\" And then they would recognize me, and go, \"Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels.\"",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
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                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-had-a-nickname-i-think-i-would-want-it-to-be-prince-of-weasels/",
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                            "caption": "“If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be \"Prince of Weasels\", because then I could go up and bite…” — Jack Handey",
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                    "position": 14,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-don-t-know/",
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                    "position": 15,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally but I didn't want to upset him.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my \"fashionable\" shirt, \"fashionable\" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray helmet, I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-sexy-enough-when-i-walk-into-a-singles-bar/",
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                            "caption": "“Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my \"fashionable\" shirt…” — Jack Handey",
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                    "position": 17,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, \"Log o' fire! Log o' fire!\" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                        "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-the-party/",
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                    "position": 18,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is assking the question.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the \"Cricket Boy\", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, \"You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else.\" Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.",
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                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                },
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                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 20,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Jack Handey"
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                    "@type": "ListItem",
                    "position": 21,
                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then \"skinned.\" I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.",
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