--- title: "10 Want Quotes By Bill Engvall" description: "10 Want quotes by Bill Engvall. Plus more from Bill Engvall and more Want sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/822/bill-engvall-8106_bed_there-s-a-group-in-california-that-wants_2962429.jpg" --- > [There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/there-s-a-group-in-california-that-wants-to-make-suicide-a-capital/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/822/bill-engvall-8106_bed_there-s-a-group-in-california-that-wants_2962429.jpg) > [That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/that-s-why-they-re-man-s-best-friend-cause-guys-want-buddies-that-are/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/80f/bill-engvall-8106_best-friend_that-s-why-they-re-man-s-best-friend-cau_1191349.jpg) > [I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-believe-that-anyone-who-wants-to-wear-a-thong-should-have-to-go/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/bill-engvall-8106_application_i-believe-that-anyone-who-wants-to-wear_1151420.jpg) > [I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows-on-the-discovery-channel/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/432/bill-engvall-8106_animal_i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows_204289.jpg) > [I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew-and-asked-him-i-don-t-want-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg) > [I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-she-goes-do-you-want-to-try-a/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f0/bill-engvall-8106_black_i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-s_576410.jpg) > [Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-minded-now-they-have-developed-a/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68c/bill-engvall-8106_beats_because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-min_1925288.jpg) > [I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-your-kid/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5a/bill-engvall-8106_come-up_i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-n_864560.jpg) > [I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-were-a-kid-remember-the-day-you/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cf/bill-engvall-8106_ants_i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-wer_523589.jpg) > [And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-when-you-re-born-you-nurse-on/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg) ## Other authors on Want ## More by Bill Engvall > [I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-am-out-in-public-and-using-the-phone-i-am-in-a-phone-booth-got-the/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-what-is-it-and-she-goes-we-re-going-on-a-shark-feeding-frenzy/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ketchup-is-great-on-hamburgers-but-if-some-gets-on-your-shirt-that/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ma-am-when-i-got-up-this-morning-i-didn-t-want-to-be-jackass-you-just/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything-on-my-list-and-went-up-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [“its a dork fish”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/its-a-dork-fish/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows-on-the-discovery-channel/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-about-decided-if-it-wasn-t-for-the-sex-i-could-be-gay-hell-then/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/he-knows-all-the-golf-lingo-you-know-you-hit-your-ball-he-s-like/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he-made-boobs-he-must-ve/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/remember-greed-is-a-bad-color-on-a-person/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-traveling-down-the-road-with-a-buddy-and-there-s-a-guy-driving/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/it-s-like-before-my-wife-and-i-moved-our-house-was-full-of-boxes-and/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-always-the-class-clown-and-over-time-became-very-good-at-it-i/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-never-read-a-kayak-manual-but-i-m-pretty-sure-page-one-says-use/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/want/bill-engvall/#itemlist", "name": "10 Want Quotes By Bill Engvall", "numberOfItems": 10, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. 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There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows-on-the-discovery-channel/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/432/bill-engvall-8106_animal_i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows_204289.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/432/bill-engvall-8106_animal_i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows_204289.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/432/bill-engvall-8106_animal_i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows_204289.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. 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He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew-and-asked-him-i-don-t-want-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I go \"I just want a cup of black coffee.\" She goes \"Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy.\" Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-she-goes-do-you-want-to-try-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f0/bill-engvall-8106_black_i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-s_576410.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f0/bill-engvall-8106_black_i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-s_576410.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f0/bill-engvall-8106_black_i-go-i-just-want-a-cup-of-black-coffee-s_576410.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I go \"I just want a cup of black coffee.\" She goes \"Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-minded-now-they-have-developed-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68c/bill-engvall-8106_beats_because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-min_1925288.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68c/bill-engvall-8106_beats_because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-min_1925288.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68c/bill-engvall-8106_beats_because-we-ve-become-so-ecologically-min_1925288.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-never-want-to-hear-at-your-kid/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5a/bill-engvall-8106_come-up_i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-n_864560.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5a/bill-engvall-8106_come-up_i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-n_864560.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5a/bill-engvall-8106_come-up_i-ve-come-up-with-the-three-things-you-n_864560.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-were-a-kid-remember-the-day-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cf/bill-engvall-8106_ants_i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-wer_523589.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cf/bill-engvall-8106_ants_i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-wer_523589.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5cf/bill-engvall-8106_ants_i-want-you-to-think-back-to-when-you-wer_523589.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-when-you-re-born-you-nurse-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/812/bill-engvall-8106_age_and-isn-t-that-weird-think-about-this-wh_3078548.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. 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