--- title: "23 Two Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "23 Two quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Two sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae5/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying_2220408.png" --- > [I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying-at-but-there-are-two-trees/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae5/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying_2220408.png) > [I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-ate-one-anchovy-and-that-is-why-i-did-not-eat-two-anchovies/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68e/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-ate-one-anchovy-and-that-is-why-i-did_3096058.png) > [I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-down-and-sit-down-again-on/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74f/mitch-hedberg-695_cases_i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-d_2416752.png) > [I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-paper-route-when-i-was-a-kid-i-was-supposed-to-go-to-2-000/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd2/mitch-hedberg-695_dumpsters_i-had-a-paper-route-when-i-was-a-kid-i-w_753265.png) > [Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-and-want-to-eat-two-thousand-of/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c2/mitch-hedberg-695_food_rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-an_2170273.png) > [I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-two-20-no-10-no-5-maybe-2-oh/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20c/mitch-hedberg-695_bass_imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-ac_11120.png) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bedroom_i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-hous_92464.png) > [Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/chicago-is-known-as-the-windy-city-and-montana-is-called-the-big-sky/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40a/mitch-hedberg-695_bigs_chicago-is-known-as-the-windy-city-and-m_798023.png) > [As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/as-a-comedian-you-have-to-start-the-show-strong-and-you-have-to-end/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_as-a-comedian-you-have-to-start-the-show_1953745.jpg) > [Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/advil-has-a-candy-coating-it-s-delicious-then-it-says-on-the-bottle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/782/mitch-hedberg-695_bottles_advil-has-a-candy-coating-it-s-delicious_1841710.png) > [Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/foosball-screwed-up-my-perception-of-soccer-i-though-you-had-to-kick/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d5/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_foosball-screwed-up-my-perception-of-soc_1474363.png) > [Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mitch-s-pizzaria-this-week-s-coupon-unlimited-free-pizza-special-note/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f05/mitch-hedberg-695_coke_mitch-s-pizzaria-this-week-s-coupon-unli_2287017.png) > [I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-hours-if-it-s-5-am-and-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/907/mitch-hedberg-695_cold_i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-h_1677391.jpg) > [I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png) > [Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-million-people-watch-that-show/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png) > [My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-sister-wendy-has-a-husband-and-two-children-and-they-have-a-family/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/mitch-hedberg-695_children_my-sister-wendy-has-a-husband-and-two-ch_2138142.png) > [You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-and-it-gets-busy-and-they/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-a_1199522.png) > [Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-street-so-i-went-into-subway-and/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png) > [Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/alcoholism-is-a-disease-but-it-s-the-only-one-you-can-get-yelled-at/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/mitch-hedberg-695_alcohol_alcoholism-is-a-disease-but-it-s-the-onl_1123766.png) > [I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wanna-hang-a-map-of-the-world-in-my-house-then-i-m-gonna-put-pins/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/751/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_i-wanna-hang-a-map-of-the-world-in-my-ho_1036837.jpg) > [The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real-easy-phone-number-something/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fa/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real_2783777.png) > [I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which-direction-to-go-it-s-like-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_arrow_i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which_1998180.png) ## Other authors on Two ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "23 Two Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 23, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying-at-but-there-are-two-trees/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae5/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying_2220408.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae5/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying_2220408.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae5/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-cannot-tell-you-what-hotel-i-m-staying_2220408.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-ate-one-anchovy-and-that-is-why-i-did-not-eat-two-anchovies/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68e/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-ate-one-anchovy-and-that-is-why-i-did_3096058.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68e/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-ate-one-anchovy-and-that-is-why-i-did_3096058.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68e/mitch-hedberg-695_food_i-ate-one-anchovy-and-that-is-why-i-did_3096058.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-down-and-sit-down-again-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74f/mitch-hedberg-695_cases_i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-d_2416752.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74f/mitch-hedberg-695_cases_i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-d_2416752.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74f/mitch-hedberg-695_cases_i-got-two-stools-in-case-i-want-to-sit-d_2416752.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I had a paper route when I was a kid. 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Or two dumpsters.” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-and-want-to-eat-two-thousand-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c2/mitch-hedberg-695_food_rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-an_2170273.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c2/mitch-hedberg-695_food_rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-an_2170273.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c2/mitch-hedberg-695_food_rice-is-great-if-you-re-really-hungry-an_2170273.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-two-20-no-10-no-5-maybe-2-oh/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20c/mitch-hedberg-695_bass_imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-ac_11120.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20c/mitch-hedberg-695_bass_imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-ac_11120.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20c/mitch-hedberg-695_bass_imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-ac_11120.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bedroom_i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-hous_92464.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bedroom_i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-hous_92464.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bedroom_i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-hous_92464.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/chicago-is-known-as-the-windy-city-and-montana-is-called-the-big-sky/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40a/mitch-hedberg-695_bigs_chicago-is-known-as-the-windy-city-and-m_798023.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40a/mitch-hedberg-695_bigs_chicago-is-known-as-the-windy-city-and-m_798023.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40a/mitch-hedberg-695_bigs_chicago-is-known-as-the-windy-city-and-m_798023.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/as-a-comedian-you-have-to-start-the-show-strong-and-you-have-to-end/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_as-a-comedian-you-have-to-start-the-show_1953745.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_as-a-comedian-you-have-to-start-the-show_1953745.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a4c/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_as-a-comedian-you-have-to-start-the-show_1953745.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/advil-has-a-candy-coating-it-s-delicious-then-it-says-on-the-bottle/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/782/mitch-hedberg-695_bottles_advil-has-a-candy-coating-it-s-delicious_1841710.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/782/mitch-hedberg-695_bottles_advil-has-a-candy-coating-it-s-delicious_1841710.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/782/mitch-hedberg-695_bottles_advil-has-a-candy-coating-it-s-delicious_1841710.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/foosball-screwed-up-my-perception-of-soccer-i-though-you-had-to-kick/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d5/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_foosball-screwed-up-my-perception-of-soc_1474363.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d5/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_foosball-screwed-up-my-perception-of-soc_1474363.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d5/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_foosball-screwed-up-my-perception-of-soc_1474363.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mitch-s-pizzaria-this-week-s-coupon-unlimited-free-pizza-special-note/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f05/mitch-hedberg-695_coke_mitch-s-pizzaria-this-week-s-coupon-unli_2287017.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f05/mitch-hedberg-695_coke_mitch-s-pizzaria-this-week-s-coupon-unli_2287017.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f05/mitch-hedberg-695_coke_mitch-s-pizzaria-this-week-s-coupon-unli_2287017.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, \"Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-hours-if-it-s-5-am-and-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/907/mitch-hedberg-695_cold_i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-h_1677391.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/907/mitch-hedberg-695_cold_i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-h_1677391.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/907/mitch-hedberg-695_cold_i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-h_1677391.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'.\" That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. \"You might have seen this next comedian at the store,\" and people would say \"Hell yes I have!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-million-people-watch-that-show/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-sister-wendy-has-a-husband-and-two-children-and-they-have-a-family/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/mitch-hedberg-695_children_my-sister-wendy-has-a-husband-and-two-ch_2138142.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/mitch-hedberg-695_children_my-sister-wendy-has-a-husband-and-two-ch_2138142.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/mitch-hedberg-695_children_my-sister-wendy-has-a-husband-and-two-ch_2138142.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, \"DuFresnes, party of two.\" They say again, \"DuFresnes, party of two.\" But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, \"Bush, party of three.\" Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! \"Bush, search party of three!\" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-and-it-gets-busy-and-they/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-a_1199522.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-a_1199522.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/689/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_you-know-when-you-go-into-a-restaurant-a_1199522.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-street-so-i-went-into-subway-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/alcoholism-is-a-disease-but-it-s-the-only-one-you-can-get-yelled-at/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/mitch-hedberg-695_alcohol_alcoholism-is-a-disease-but-it-s-the-onl_1123766.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/mitch-hedberg-695_alcohol_alcoholism-is-a-disease-but-it-s-the-onl_1123766.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/mitch-hedberg-695_alcohol_alcoholism-is-a-disease-but-it-s-the-onl_1123766.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wanna-hang-a-map-of-the-world-in-my-house-then-i-m-gonna-put-pins/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/751/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_i-wanna-hang-a-map-of-the-world-in-my-ho_1036837.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/751/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_i-wanna-hang-a-map-of-the-world-in-my-ho_1036837.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/751/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_i-wanna-hang-a-map-of-the-world-in-my-ho_1036837.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, \"Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?\" I'll say, \"Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real-easy-phone-number-something/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fa/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real_2783777.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fa/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real_2783777.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fa/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_the-next-time-i-move-i-hope-i-get-a-real_2783777.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. 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It's like \"I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which-direction-to-go-it-s-like-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_arrow_i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which_1998180.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_arrow_i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which_1998180.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/mitch-hedberg-695_arrow_i-hate-arrows-they-try-to-tell-me-which_1998180.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. 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