--- title: "12 Two Quotes By Johnny Carson" description: "12 Two quotes by Johnny Carson. Plus more from Johnny Carson and more Two sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/324/johnny-carson-2644_air_we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chu_2571301.png" --- > [We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chunky-style/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/324/johnny-carson-2644_air_we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chu_2571301.png) > [A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/a-two-pound-turkey-and-a-fifty-pound-cranberry-that-s-thanksgiving/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aae/johnny-carson-2644_cranberries_a-two-pound-turkey-and-a-fifty-pound-cra_580297.png) > [Happiness is…finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/happiness-is-finding-two-olives-in-your-martini-when-youre-hungry/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa6/johnny-carson-2644_findings_happiness-is-finding-two-olives-in-your_2638201.png) > [As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/as-you-all-know-by-now-this-is-the-51st-annual-academy-awards-two/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec7/johnny-carson-2644_academy_as-you-all-know-by-now-this-is-the-51st_858456.png) > [The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/the-good-news-is-that-the-president-gets-another-chance-the-bad-news/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7cb/johnny-carson-2644_american-politics_the-good-news-is-that-the-president-gets_107962.png) > [I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-hated-my-last-boss-he-asked-why-are-you-two-hours-late-i-said-i/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7f/johnny-carson-2644_boss_i-hated-my-last-boss-he-asked-why-are-yo_3034565.png) > [Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/happiness-is-sitting-down-to-watch-some-slides-of-your-neighbor-s/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/99f/johnny-carson-2644_colony_happiness-is-sitting-down-to-watch-some_1342707.png) > [In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/in-1932-lame-duck-president-herbert-hoover-was-so-desperate-to-remain/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ce/johnny-carson-2644_children_in-1932-lame-duck-president-herbert-hoov_1327862.jpg) > [I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-ve-worked-ever-since-i-was-a-kid-with-a-two-bit-kit-of-magic-tricks/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/14f/johnny-carson-2644_bits_i-ve-worked-ever-since-i-was-a-kid-with_2773069.png) > [I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-m-not-one-of-those-who-spring-up-yelling-yippee-another-day-i-ll/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5e/johnny-carson-2644_another-day_i-m-not-one-of-those-who-spring-up-yelli_2867974.png) > [Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/democracy-is-buying-a-big-house-you-can-t-afford-with-money-you-don-t/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/johnny-carson-2644_big-houses_democracy-is-buying-a-big-house-you-can_1565856.png) > [The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/the-price-of-christmas-toys-is-outrageous-a-hundred-dollars-two/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d69/johnny-carson-2644_boxes_the-price-of-christmas-toys-is-outrageou_2278188.jpg) ## Other authors on Two ## More by Johnny Carson > [It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/it-s-silly-to-have-as-one-s-sole-object-in-life-just-making-money/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/the-only-issue-cash-presents-you-is-the-independence-of-not-stressing/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [ I can empathize with President \[George Bush\]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-can-empathize-with-president-george-bush-i-know-what-it-feels-like/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/from-the-time-i-was-a-little-kid-i-was-always-shy-performing-was-when/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [ I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted \[The Tonight Show\]?" I really don't have just one. The… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-m-often-asked-what-is-your-favorite-moment-during-the-30-years-you/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/for-days-after-death-hair-and-fingernails-continue-to-grow-but-phone/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/money-gives-me-just-one-big-thing-that-s-really-important-and-that-s/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/in-hollywood-if-you-don-t-have-a-shrink-people-think-you-re-crazy/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/ronald-reagan-just-signed-the-new-tax-law-but-i-think-he-was-in/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/the-good-news-is-that-the-president-gets-another-chance-the-bad-news/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/anytime-four-new-yorkers-get-into-a-cab-together-without-arguing-a/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/for-three-days-after-death-hair-and-fingernails-continue-to-grow-but/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/democracy-means-free-television-not-good-television-but-free/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-know-a-man-who-gave-up-smoking-drinking-sex-and-rich-food-he-was/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) > [Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/never-ask-your-wife-if-she-still-hears-from-her-old-pimp/) [Johnny Carson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/johnny-carson/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/johnny-carson/#itemlist", "name": "12 Two Quotes By Johnny Carson", "numberOfItems": 12, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chunky-style/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/324/johnny-carson-2644_air_we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chu_2571301.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/324/johnny-carson-2644_air_we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chu_2571301.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/324/johnny-carson-2644_air_we-have-two-kinds-of-air-regular-and-chu_2571301.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/a-two-pound-turkey-and-a-fifty-pound-cranberry-that-s-thanksgiving/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aae/johnny-carson-2644_cranberries_a-two-pound-turkey-and-a-fifty-pound-cra_580297.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aae/johnny-carson-2644_cranberries_a-two-pound-turkey-and-a-fifty-pound-cra_580297.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aae/johnny-carson-2644_cranberries_a-two-pound-turkey-and-a-fifty-pound-cra_580297.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Happiness is…finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/happiness-is-finding-two-olives-in-your-martini-when-youre-hungry/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa6/johnny-carson-2644_findings_happiness-is-finding-two-olives-in-your_2638201.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa6/johnny-carson-2644_findings_happiness-is-finding-two-olives-in-your_2638201.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa6/johnny-carson-2644_findings_happiness-is-finding-two-olives-in-your_2638201.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Happiness is…finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. 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He said, That doesn't take two hours.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-hated-my-last-boss-he-asked-why-are-you-two-hours-late-i-said-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7f/johnny-carson-2644_boss_i-hated-my-last-boss-he-asked-why-are-yo_3034565.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7f/johnny-carson-2644_boss_i-hated-my-last-boss-he-asked-why-are-yo_3034565.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7f/johnny-carson-2644_boss_i-hated-my-last-boss-he-asked-why-are-yo_3034565.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. 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When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/in-1932-lame-duck-president-herbert-hoover-was-so-desperate-to-remain/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ce/johnny-carson-2644_children_in-1932-lame-duck-president-herbert-hoov_1327862.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ce/johnny-carson-2644_children_in-1932-lame-duck-president-herbert-hoov_1327862.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ce/johnny-carson-2644_children_in-1932-lame-duck-president-herbert-hoov_1327862.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up…” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-ve-worked-ever-since-i-was-a-kid-with-a-two-bit-kit-of-magic-tricks/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/14f/johnny-carson-2644_bits_i-ve-worked-ever-since-i-was-a-kid-with_2773069.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/14f/johnny-carson-2644_bits_i-ve-worked-ever-since-i-was-a-kid-with_2773069.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/14f/johnny-carson-2644_bits_i-ve-worked-ever-since-i-was-a-kid-with_2773069.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at…” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, \"Yippee! Another day!\" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/i-m-not-one-of-those-who-spring-up-yelling-yippee-another-day-i-ll/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5e/johnny-carson-2644_another-day_i-m-not-one-of-those-who-spring-up-yelli_2867974.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5e/johnny-carson-2644_another-day_i-m-not-one-of-those-who-spring-up-yelli_2867974.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5e/johnny-carson-2644_another-day_i-m-not-one-of-those-who-spring-up-yelli_2867974.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, \"Yippee! Another day!\" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of…” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Johnny Carson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/johnny-carson/democracy-is-buying-a-big-house-you-can-t-afford-with-money-you-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/johnny-carson-2644_big-houses_democracy-is-buying-a-big-house-you-can_1565856.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/johnny-carson-2644_big-houses_democracy-is-buying-a-big-house-you-can_1565856.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/johnny-carson-2644_big-houses_democracy-is-buying-a-big-house-you-can_1565856.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were…” — Johnny Carson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. 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