--- title: "30 Two Quotes By George Carlin" description: "30 Two quotes by George Carlin. Plus more from George Carlin and more Two sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb3/george-carlin-155_distance_the-straightest-line-between-a-straight_216615.jpg" --- > [The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-straightest-line-between-a-straight-distance-is-two-points/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb3/george-carlin-155_distance_the-straightest-line-between-a-straight_216615.jpg) > [There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-only-two-places-in-the-world-over-here-and-over-there/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b39/george-carlin-155_france-paris_there-are-only-two-places-in-the-world-o_3044913.jpg) > [One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/one-tequila-two-tequila-three-tequila-floor/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a5/george-carlin-155_tequila_one-tequila-two-tequila-three-tequila-fl_1319732.jpg) > [My father and mother separated when I was two months old.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/my-father-and-mother-separated-when-i-was-two-months-old/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bbd/george-carlin-155_father_my-father-and-mother-separated-when-i-wa_1872958.jpg) > [Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/put-two-things-together-which-have-never-been-put-together-before-and/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f33/george-carlin-155_consumerism_put-two-things-together-which-have-never_916273.jpg) > [As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/as-it-stands-right-now-i-lead-richard-pryor-in-heart-attacks-two-to/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc9/george-carlin-155_burning_as-it-stands-right-now-i-lead-richard-pr_540706.jpg) > [If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got-a-happy-cat-if-you-ve-got-a/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/george-carlin-155_cat_if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got_201386.jpg) > [When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/when-someone-asks-you-a-penny-for-your-thoughts-and-you-put-your-two/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/724/george-carlin-155_cents_when-someone-asks-you-a-penny-for-your-t_734648.jpg) > [I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-group-whose-symbol-was-a-guy/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e84/george-carlin-155_guy_i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-g_1143663.jpg) > [When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/when-i-ask-how-old-your-toddler-is-i-don-t-need-to-hear-27-months-he/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd3/george-carlin-155_baby_when-i-ask-how-old-your-toddler-is-i-don_1375817.jpg) > [Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/sex-criminals-completely-incurable-i-suppose-you-could-outlaw/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/323/george-carlin-155_crime_sex-criminals-completely-incurable-i-sup_2576720.jpg) > [There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strives-to-control-his-environment-2/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8be/george-carlin-155_environment_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_3076709.jpg) > [One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/one-of-the-first-things-they-teach-you-in-driver-s-ed-is-where-to-put/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fed/george-carlin-155_clock_one-of-the-first-things-they-teach-you-i_1922662.jpg) > [I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-like-to-say-two-things-in-life-that-mean-the-most-genetics-and-luck/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f3/george-carlin-155_biology_i-like-to-say-two-things-in-life-that-me_1223907.jpg) > [There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-was-about-a-two-year-period-at-the-end-of-the-60s-when-i/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/842/george-carlin-155_being-true_there-was-about-a-two-year-period-at-the_676439.jpg) > [The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-have-been-reduced-in-choice/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6e/george-carlin-155_bagels_the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-h_1133857.jpg) > [I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-like-to-write-without-being-stoned-i-like-to-have-a-hit-or-two-and/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5e/george-carlin-155_buzz_i-like-to-write-without-being-stoned-i-l_3017128.jpg) > [I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-don-t-see-much-of-a-future-for-this-planet-i-think-it-s-a-cursed/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc5/george-carlin-155_boundaries_i-don-t-see-much-of-a-future-for-this-pl_149799.jpg) > [There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strives-to-control-his-environment/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/george-carlin-155_dream_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_1444435.jpg) > [You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-ever-notice-that-any-time-you-see-two-groups-of-people-who-really/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/241/george-carlin-155_chance_you-ever-notice-that-any-time-you-see-tw_1588789.jpg) > [The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in-a-sky-god-that-there-s-a-man/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70d/george-carlin-155_atheism_the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in_2206982.jpg) > [I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-feel-sorry-for-confetti-its-useful-life-lasts-about-two-seconds-and/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/65f/george-carlin-155_comedian_i-feel-sorry-for-confetti-its-useful-lif_182922.jpg) > [A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/a-crumb-is-a-great-thing-if-you-break-a-crumb-in-half-you-don-t-get/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08e/george-carlin-155_break_a-crumb-is-a-great-thing-if-you-break-a_2240146.jpg) > [There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-only-two-types-of-motorists-the-idiots-who-drive-slower/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd1/george-carlin-155_driver_there-are-only-two-types-of-motorists-th_2363776.jpg) > [If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-had-chicken-at-lunch-and-chicken-at-dinner-do-you-ever-wonder/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afd/george-carlin-155_chicken_if-you-had-chicken-at-lunch-and-chicken_400996.jpg) > [Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/two-things-happened-the-creative-side-of-my-career-was-harmed-when-i/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/george-carlin-155_careers_two-things-happened-the-creative-side-of_1955712.jpg) > [Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/personally-when-it-comes-to-rights-i-think-one-of-two-things-is-true/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d6/george-carlin-155_feels_personally-when-it-comes-to-rights-i-thi_2478665.jpg) > [Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/where-ideas-are-concerned-america-can-be-counted-on-to-do-one-of-two/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a8/george-carlin-155_america_where-ideas-are-concerned-america-can-be_503321.jpg) > [In my neighborhood - West 121st Street in New York, "white Harlem" - there were only two drugs: smack and marijuana. By…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/in-my-neighborhood-west-121st-street-in-new-york-white-harlem-there/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2c/george-carlin-155_casual_in-my-neighborhood-west-121st-street-in_1233698.jpg) > [If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-two-baseball-players-from-the-same-hometown-on-different-teams/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/650/george-carlin-155_ball-player_if-two-baseball-players-from-the-same-ho_2836030.jpg) ## Other authors on Two ## More by George Carlin > [I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-never-go-anywhere-or-do-anything-that-transports-me-outside-the/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/with-the-proper-training-i-could-ve-been-an-evil-genius/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/comedy-although-it-is-not-one-of-the-fine-arts-it-s-a-vulgar-art-it-s/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-m-completely-in-favor-of-the-separation-of-church-and-state-these/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/tomorrow-is-another-day-not-true-today-is-another-day-we-have-no-idea/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-was-a-loner-as-a-child-i-had-an-imaginary-friend-i-didn-t-bother/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/kilometers-are-shorter-than-miles-save-gas-take-your-next-trip-in/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-guys-want-to-get-a-mom-tattoo-and-save-a-little-money-just-get/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-ve-built-up-so-much-speed-that-you-hit-70-after-that-it-s-a-day/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/it-ended-suddenly-for-brenda-more-slowly-for-me-my-runs-began-getting/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [Is there another word for synonym?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/is-there-another-word-for-synonym/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-whole-idea-of-the-pursuit-of-goods-and-possessions-has-completely/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/these-days-many-politicians-are-demanding-change-just-like-homeless/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-know-the-good-part-about-all-those-executions-in-texas-fewer/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) > [What was the best thing before sliced bread?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/what-was-the-best-thing-before-sliced-bread/) [George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/george-carlin/#itemlist", "name": "30 Two Quotes By George Carlin", "numberOfItems": 30, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-straightest-line-between-a-straight-distance-is-two-points/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": 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However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/as-it-stands-right-now-i-lead-richard-pryor-in-heart-attacks-two-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc9/george-carlin-155_burning_as-it-stands-right-now-i-lead-richard-pr_540706.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc9/george-carlin-155_burning_as-it-stands-right-now-i-lead-richard-pr_540706.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc9/george-carlin-155_burning_as-it-stands-right-now-i-lead-richard-pr_540706.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. 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If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got-a-happy-cat-if-you-ve-got-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/george-carlin-155_cat_if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got_201386.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/george-carlin-155_cat_if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got_201386.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/george-carlin-155_cat_if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got_201386.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/when-someone-asks-you-a-penny-for-your-thoughts-and-you-put-your-two/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/724/george-carlin-155_cents_when-someone-asks-you-a-penny-for-your-t_734648.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/724/george-carlin-155_cents_when-someone-asks-you-a-penny-for-your-t_734648.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/724/george-carlin-155_cents_when-someone-asks-you-a-penny-for-your-t_734648.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-group-whose-symbol-was-a-guy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e84/george-carlin-155_guy_i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-g_1143663.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e84/george-carlin-155_guy_i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-g_1143663.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e84/george-carlin-155_guy_i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-g_1143663.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/when-i-ask-how-old-your-toddler-is-i-don-t-need-to-hear-27-months-he/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd3/george-carlin-155_baby_when-i-ask-how-old-your-toddler-is-i-don_1375817.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd3/george-carlin-155_baby_when-i-ask-how-old-your-toddler-is-i-don_1375817.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd3/george-carlin-155_baby_when-i-ask-how-old-your-toddler-is-i-don_1375817.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/sex-criminals-completely-incurable-i-suppose-you-could-outlaw/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/323/george-carlin-155_crime_sex-criminals-completely-incurable-i-sup_2576720.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/323/george-carlin-155_crime_sex-criminals-completely-incurable-i-sup_2576720.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/323/george-carlin-155_crime_sex-criminals-completely-incurable-i-sup_2576720.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strives-to-control-his-environment-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8be/george-carlin-155_environment_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_3076709.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8be/george-carlin-155_environment_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_3076709.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8be/george-carlin-155_environment_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_3076709.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/one-of-the-first-things-they-teach-you-in-driver-s-ed-is-where-to-put/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fed/george-carlin-155_clock_one-of-the-first-things-they-teach-you-i_1922662.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fed/george-carlin-155_clock_one-of-the-first-things-they-teach-you-i_1922662.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fed/george-carlin-155_clock_one-of-the-first-things-they-teach-you-i_1922662.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics is luck too. Because you could have been born in some really terrible situation and never had a chance to realize yourself or see who you were. And so the luck of genetics and then after that, circumstances, those are the two guiding things.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-like-to-say-two-things-in-life-that-mean-the-most-genetics-and-luck/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f3/george-carlin-155_biology_i-like-to-say-two-things-in-life-that-me_1223907.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f3/george-carlin-155_biology_i-like-to-say-two-things-in-life-that-me_1223907.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f3/george-carlin-155_biology_i-like-to-say-two-things-in-life-that-me_1223907.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-was-about-a-two-year-period-at-the-end-of-the-60s-when-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/842/george-carlin-155_being-true_there-was-about-a-two-year-period-at-the_676439.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/842/george-carlin-155_being-true_there-was-about-a-two-year-period-at-the_676439.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/842/george-carlin-155_being-true_there-was-about-a-two-year-period-at-the_676439.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-have-been-reduced-in-choice/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6e/george-carlin-155_bagels_the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-h_1133857.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6e/george-carlin-155_bagels_the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-h_1133857.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6e/george-carlin-155_bagels_the-things-that-matter-in-this-country-h_1133857.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just see different things and hear different things. But it's nice to be working from the base that I wrote originally and then come to it with a little buzz. I can have a little wine from time to time. I have a hit from time to time, but those are the only things I do.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-like-to-write-without-being-stoned-i-like-to-have-a-hit-or-two-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5e/george-carlin-155_buzz_i-like-to-write-without-being-stoned-i-l_3017128.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5e/george-carlin-155_buzz_i-like-to-write-without-being-stoned-i-l_3017128.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5e/george-carlin-155_buzz_i-like-to-write-without-being-stoned-i-l_3017128.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-don-t-see-much-of-a-future-for-this-planet-i-think-it-s-a-cursed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc5/george-carlin-155_boundaries_i-don-t-see-much-of-a-future-for-this-pl_149799.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc5/george-carlin-155_boundaries_i-don-t-see-much-of-a-future-for-this-pl_149799.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc5/george-carlin-155_boundaries_i-don-t-see-much-of-a-future-for-this-pl_149799.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strives-to-control-his-environment/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/george-carlin-155_dream_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_1444435.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/george-carlin-155_dream_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_1444435.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcb/george-carlin-155_dream_there-are-two-types-of-people-one-strive_1444435.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-ever-notice-that-any-time-you-see-two-groups-of-people-who-really/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/241/george-carlin-155_chance_you-ever-notice-that-any-time-you-see-tw_1588789.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/241/george-carlin-155_chance_you-ever-notice-that-any-time-you-see-tw_1588789.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/241/george-carlin-155_chance_you-ever-notice-that-any-time-you-see-tw_1588789.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on the stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in-a-sky-god-that-there-s-a-man/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70d/george-carlin-155_atheism_the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in_2206982.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70d/george-carlin-155_atheism_the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in_2206982.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70d/george-carlin-155_atheism_the-two-big-mistakes-were-the-belief-in_2206982.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-feel-sorry-for-confetti-its-useful-life-lasts-about-two-seconds-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/65f/george-carlin-155_comedian_i-feel-sorry-for-confetti-its-useful-lif_182922.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/65f/george-carlin-155_comedian_i-feel-sorry-for-confetti-its-useful-lif_182922.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/65f/george-carlin-155_comedian_i-feel-sorry-for-confetti-its-useful-lif_182922.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/a-crumb-is-a-great-thing-if-you-break-a-crumb-in-half-you-don-t-get/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08e/george-carlin-155_break_a-crumb-is-a-great-thing-if-you-break-a_2240146.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08e/george-carlin-155_break_a-crumb-is-a-great-thing-if-you-break-a_2240146.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08e/george-carlin-155_break_a-crumb-is-a-great-thing-if-you-break-a_2240146.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/there-are-only-two-types-of-motorists-the-idiots-who-drive-slower/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd1/george-carlin-155_driver_there-are-only-two-types-of-motorists-th_2363776.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd1/george-carlin-155_driver_there-are-only-two-types-of-motorists-th_2363776.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd1/george-carlin-155_driver_there-are-only-two-types-of-motorists-th_2363776.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-had-chicken-at-lunch-and-chicken-at-dinner-do-you-ever-wonder/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afd/george-carlin-155_chicken_if-you-had-chicken-at-lunch-and-chicken_400996.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afd/george-carlin-155_chicken_if-you-had-chicken-at-lunch-and-chicken_400996.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afd/george-carlin-155_chicken_if-you-had-chicken-at-lunch-and-chicken_400996.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/two-things-happened-the-creative-side-of-my-career-was-harmed-when-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/george-carlin-155_careers_two-things-happened-the-creative-side-of_1955712.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/george-carlin-155_careers_two-things-happened-the-creative-side-of_1955712.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/george-carlin-155_careers_two-things-happened-the-creative-side-of_1955712.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/personally-when-it-comes-to-rights-i-think-one-of-two-things-is-true/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d6/george-carlin-155_feels_personally-when-it-comes-to-rights-i-thi_2478665.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d6/george-carlin-155_feels_personally-when-it-comes-to-rights-i-thi_2478665.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d6/george-carlin-155_feels_personally-when-it-comes-to-rights-i-thi_2478665.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. 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By the time I was 13, some friends and I were using marijuana fairly regularly. The Reefer Madness myth was still very strong then, but I'd been into jazz and those lyrics included so many casual references to pot that it was completely demystified for me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/in-my-neighborhood-west-121st-street-in-new-york-white-harlem-there/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2c/george-carlin-155_casual_in-my-neighborhood-west-121st-street-in_1233698.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2c/george-carlin-155_casual_in-my-neighborhood-west-121st-street-in_1233698.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2c/george-carlin-155_casual_in-my-neighborhood-west-121st-street-in_1233698.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“In my neighborhood - West 121st Street in New York, \"white Harlem\" - there were only two drugs: smack and…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "George Carlin" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-two-baseball-players-from-the-same-hometown-on-different-teams/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/650/george-carlin-155_ball-player_if-two-baseball-players-from-the-same-ho_2836030.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/650/george-carlin-155_ball-player_if-two-baseball-players-from-the-same-ho_2836030.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/650/george-carlin-155_ball-player_if-two-baseball-players-from-the-same-ho_2836030.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is…” — George Carlin", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/george-carlin/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/george-carlin/", "name": "Two Quotes by George Carlin", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/george-carlin/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb3/george-carlin-155_distance_the-straightest-line-between-a-straight_216615.jpg" }, "description": "30 Two quotes by George Carlin. 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