--- title: "10 Two Quotes By Emo Philips" description: "10 Two quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Two sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d4/emo-philips-1788_competing_when-deciding-between-two-competing-theo_2872060.png" --- > [When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-deciding-between-two-competing-theories-always-go-with-the-one/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d4/emo-philips-1788_competing_when-deciding-between-two-competing-theo_2872060.png) > [I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png) > [I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png) > [I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-filthy-stinking-rich-well-two-out-of-three-ain-t-bad/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30f/emo-philips-1788_bad-life_i-m-filthy-stinking-rich-well-two-out-of_2598609.png) > [Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/actually-my-cd-was-released-in-1985-in-return-for-two-german/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23f/emo-philips-1788_dutch_actually-my-cd-was-released-in-1985-in-r_2451255.png) > [I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-once-heard-two-ladies-going-on-and-on-about-the-pains-of-childbirth/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a22/emo-philips-1788_caught_i-once-heard-two-ladies-going-on-and-on_1349891.jpg) > [I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-really-hang-out-with-people-i-like-to-be-by-myself-in-fact-i/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc5/emo-philips-1788_arrested_i-don-t-really-hang-out-with-people-i-li_1338064.jpg) > [What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/what-is-eternity-you-re-on-the-checkout-line-at-a-supermarket-there/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b71/emo-philips-1788_carts_what-is-eternity-you-re-on-the-checkout_2069545.png) > [I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go-onstage-during-the-next-break/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png) > [I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-days-my-brother-s-passed-out/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbb/emo-philips-1788_bottles_i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-d_1485001.jpg) ## Other authors on Two ## More by Emo Philips > [Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/once-i-was-in-a-restaurant-and-i-dropped-my-fork-on-the-floor-and/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-give-money-to-unicef-because-i-like-the-bang-for-your-buck-aspect/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/libertarians-believe-consenting-adults-have-the-right-to-do-whatever/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/he-taught-me-never-to-smile-which-helps-me-when-i-visit-disaster-sites/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-way-i-understand-it-the-russians-are-sort-of-a-combination-of/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-like-to-play-chess-with-bald-men-in-the-park-although-it-s-hard-to/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-computers-get-too-powerful-we-can-organize-them-into-a-committee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-don-t-appreciate-a-lot-of-stuff-in-school-until-you-get-older/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/#itemlist", "name": "10 Two Quotes By Emo Philips", "numberOfItems": 10, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-deciding-between-two-competing-theories-always-go-with-the-one/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d4/emo-philips-1788_competing_when-deciding-between-two-competing-theo_2872060.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d4/emo-philips-1788_competing_when-deciding-between-two-competing-theo_2872060.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d4/emo-philips-1788_competing_when-deciding-between-two-competing-theo_2872060.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, \"Get off of me, you two!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, \"Get off of me, you two!\"” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-filthy-stinking-rich-well-two-out-of-three-ain-t-bad/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30f/emo-philips-1788_bad-life_i-m-filthy-stinking-rich-well-two-out-of_2598609.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30f/emo-philips-1788_bad-life_i-m-filthy-stinking-rich-well-two-out-of_2598609.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30f/emo-philips-1788_bad-life_i-m-filthy-stinking-rich-well-two-out-of_2598609.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/actually-my-cd-was-released-in-1985-in-return-for-two-german/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23f/emo-philips-1788_dutch_actually-my-cd-was-released-in-1985-in-r_2451255.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23f/emo-philips-1788_dutch_actually-my-cd-was-released-in-1985-in-r_2451255.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23f/emo-philips-1788_dutch_actually-my-cd-was-released-in-1985-in-r_2451255.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-once-heard-two-ladies-going-on-and-on-about-the-pains-of-childbirth/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a22/emo-philips-1788_caught_i-once-heard-two-ladies-going-on-and-on_1349891.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a22/emo-philips-1788_caught_i-once-heard-two-ladies-going-on-and-on_1349891.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a22/emo-philips-1788_caught_i-once-heard-two-ladies-going-on-and-on_1349891.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-really-hang-out-with-people-i-like-to-be-by-myself-in-fact-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc5/emo-philips-1788_arrested_i-don-t-really-hang-out-with-people-i-li_1338064.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc5/emo-philips-1788_arrested_i-don-t-really-hang-out-with-people-i-li_1338064.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc5/emo-philips-1788_arrested_i-don-t-really-hang-out-with-people-i-li_1338064.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/what-is-eternity-you-re-on-the-checkout-line-at-a-supermarket-there/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b71/emo-philips-1788_carts_what-is-eternity-you-re-on-the-checkout_2069545.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b71/emo-philips-1788_carts_what-is-eternity-you-re-on-the-checkout_2069545.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b71/emo-philips-1788_carts_what-is-eternity-you-re-on-the-checkout_2069545.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go-onstage-during-the-next-break/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-days-my-brother-s-passed-out/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbb/emo-philips-1788_bottles_i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-d_1485001.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbb/emo-philips-1788_bottles_i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-d_1485001.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbb/emo-philips-1788_bottles_i-love-my-family-i-came-home-the-other-d_1485001.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/", "name": "Two Quotes by Emo Philips", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d4/emo-philips-1788_competing_when-deciding-between-two-competing-theo_2872060.png" }, "description": "10 Two quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Two sayings from other authors.", "breadcrumb": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/#breadcrumb" } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/#breadcrumb", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Topics", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/categories/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Two", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "name": "Emo Philips", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/two/emo-philips/" } ] }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```