---
title: "33 Two Quotes By Ambrose Bierce"
description: "33 Two quotes by Ambrose Bierce. Plus more from Ambrose Bierce and more Two sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df0/ambrose-bierce-140_clarinet_there-are-two-instruments-worse-than-a-c_1703748.jpg"
---

> [There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/there-are-two-instruments-worse-than-a-clarinet-two-clarinets/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df0/ambrose-bierce-140_clarinet_there-are-two-instruments-worse-than-a-c_1703748.jpg)

> [The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/the-clarinet-is-a-musical-instrument-the-only-thing-worse-than-which/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/762/ambrose-bierce-140_clarinet_the-clarinet-is-a-musical-instrument-the_1558164.jpg)

> [Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/friendship-a-ship-big-enough-for-two-in-fair-weather-but-only-one-in/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f6/ambrose-bierce-140_bigs_friendship-a-ship-big-enough-for-two-in_1012507.jpg)

> [picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/picture-n-a-representation-in-two-dimensions-of-something-wearisome/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/62d/ambrose-bierce-140_art_picture-n-a-representation-in-two-dimens_707354.jpg)

> [Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/calamities-are-of-two-kinds-misfortunes-to-ourselves-and-good-fortune/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c05/ambrose-bierce-140_fortune_calamities-are-of-two-kinds-misfortunes_2176680.jpg)

> [PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/push-n-one-of-the-two-things-mainly-conducive-to-success-especially/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/164/ambrose-bierce-140_congratulations_push-n-one-of-the-two-things-mainly-cond_2773138.jpg)

> [Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/marriage-n-the-state-or-condition-of-a-community-consisting-of-a/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b4/ambrose-bierce-140_community_marriage-n-the-state-or-condition-of-a-c_793152.jpg)

> [Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/boundary-n-in-political-geography-an-imaginary-line-between-two/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/757/ambrose-bierce-140_amusing_boundary-n-in-political-geography-an-ima_159031.jpg)

> [Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/alliance-in-international-politics-the-union-of-two-thieves-who-have/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97c/ambrose-bierce-140_alliance_alliance-in-international-politics-the-u_711923.jpg)

> [K, n. A consonant; originally precisely that of our H, but altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of \[one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/k-n-a-consonant-originally-precisely-that-of-our-h-but-altered-to-its/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/036/ambrose-bierce-140_altered_k-n-a-consonant-originally-precisely-tha_2116184.jpg)

> [INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/incompossible-adj-unable-to-exist-if-something-else-exists-two-things/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ec/ambrose-bierce-140_compassion_incompossible-adj-unable-to-exist-if-som_228012.jpg)

> [Male, A member of the unconsidered or negligible gender. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/male-a-member-of-the-unconsidered-or-negligible-gender-the-male-of/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fb0/ambrose-bierce-140_female_male-a-member-of-the-unconsidered-or-neg_1960247.jpg)

> [CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/calamity-n-a-more-than-commonly-plain-and-unmistakable-reminder-that/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a09/ambrose-bierce-140_affair_calamity-n-a-more-than-commonly-plain-an_2306579.jpg)

> [PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/proof-n-evidence-having-a-shade-more-of-plausibility-than-of/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94f/ambrose-bierce-140_credible_proof-n-evidence-having-a-shade-more-of_2706737.jpg)

> [BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/brandy-n-a-cordial-composed-on-one-part-thunder-and-lightning-one/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8b4/ambrose-bierce-140_alcohol_brandy-n-a-cordial-composed-on-one-part_1352685.jpg)

> [MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/magnetism-n-something-acting-upon-a-magnet-the-two-definitions/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cc/ambrose-bierce-140_acting_magnetism-n-something-acting-upon-a-magn_2333206.jpg)

> [EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/effect-n-the-second-of-two-phenomena-which-always-occur-together-in/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/681/ambrose-bierce-140_causes_effect-n-the-second-of-two-phenomena-whi_1087293.jpg)

> [Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/dance-v-i-to-leap-about-to-the-sound-of-tittering-music-preferably/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38e/ambrose-bierce-140_arms_dance-v-i-to-leap-about-to-the-sound-of_715248.jpg)

> [LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/laocoon-n-a-famous-piece-of-antique-scripture-representing-a-priest/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b58/ambrose-bierce-140_antiques_laocoon-n-a-famous-piece-of-antique-scri_72665.jpg)

> [LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/lead-n-a-heavy-blue-gray-metal-much-used-as-a-counterpoise-to-an/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a4/ambrose-bierce-140_argument_lead-n-a-heavy-blue-gray-metal-much-used_637802.jpg)

> [Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/miss-n-a-title-with-which-we-brand-unmarried-women-to-indicate-they/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d3/ambrose-bierce-140_abolition_miss-n-a-title-with-which-we-brand-unmar_1929840.jpg)

> [Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/hippogriff-n-an-animal-now-extinct-which-was-half-horse-and-half/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f6/ambrose-bierce-140_animal_hippogriff-n-an-animal-now-extinct-which_806005.jpg)

> [HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/hog-n-a-bird-remarkable-for-the-catholicity-of-its-appetite-and/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09c/ambrose-bierce-140_appetite_hog-n-a-bird-remarkable-for-the-catholic_155249.jpg)

> [Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/past-n-that-part-of-eternity-with-some-small-fraction-of-which-we/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/36d/ambrose-bierce-140_acquaintance_past-n-that-part-of-eternity-with-some-s_2017162.jpg)

> [Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/rome-has-seven-sacraments-but-the-protestant-churches-being-less/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d75/ambrose-bierce-140_belief_rome-has-seven-sacraments-but-the-protes_1844313.jpg)

> [REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/replica-n-a-reproduction-of-a-work-of-art-by-the-artist-that-made-the/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/032/ambrose-bierce-140_art_replica-n-a-reproduction-of-a-work-of-ar_799230.jpg)

> [DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/day-n-a-period-of-twenty-four-hours-mostly-misspent-this-period-is/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/437/ambrose-bierce-140_business_day-n-a-period-of-twenty-four-hours-most_2733893.jpg)

> [A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/a-wedding-is-a-ceremony-at-which-two-persons-undertake-to-become-one/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6e/ambrose-bierce-140_ceremony_a-wedding-is-a-ceremony-at-which-two-per_2548443.jpg)

> [INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/interpreter-n-one-who-enables-two-persons-of-different-languages-to/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58a/ambrose-bierce-140_advantage_interpreter-n-one-who-enables-two-person_2522602.jpg)

> [Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/belladonna-n-in-italian-a-beautiful-lady-in-english-a-deadly-poison-a/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc8/ambrose-bierce-140_beautiful_belladonna-n-in-italian-a-beautiful-lady_1869941.jpg)

> [DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/duel-n-a-formal-ceremony-preliminary-to-reconciliation-of-two-enemies/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4c/ambrose-bierce-140_ceremony_duel-n-a-formal-ceremony-preliminary-to_1787003.jpg)

> [Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/clarinet-n-an-instrument-of-torture-operated-by-a-person-with-cotton/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c9c/ambrose-bierce-140_clarinet_clarinet-n-an-instrument-of-torture-oper_1655511.jpg)

> [Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/childhood-the-period-of-human-life-intermediate-between-the-idiocy-of/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fef/ambrose-bierce-140_age_childhood-the-period-of-human-life-inter_1029803.jpg)

## Other authors on Two

## More by Ambrose Bierce

> [OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/obsessed-p-p-vexed-by-an-evil-spirit-like-the-gadarene-swine-and/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/decide-v-i-to-succumb-to-the-preponderance-of-one-set-of-influences/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/immoral-adj-inexpedient-whatever-in-the-long-run-and-with-regard-to/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/review-v-t-to-set-your-wisdom-holding-not-a-doubt-of-it-although-in/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/clock-n-a-machine-of-great-moral-value-to-man-allaying-his-concern/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/rubbish-n-worthless-matter-such-as-the-religions-philosophies/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/there-was-never-a-genius-who-was-not-thought-a-fool-until-he/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/telephone-n-an-invention-of-the-devil-which-abrogates-some-of-the/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/whangdepootenawah-n-in-the-ojibwa-tongue-disaster-an-unexpected/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/jealous-adj-unduly-concerned-about-the-preservation-of-that-which-can/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/ridicule-n-words-designed-to-show-that-the-person-of-whom-they-are/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [Think twice before you speak to a friend in need](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/think-twice-before-you-speak-to-a-friend-in-need/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/hermit-n-a-person-whose-vices-and-follies-are-not-sociable/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/tariff-n-a-scale-of-taxes-on-imports-designed-to-protect-the-domestic/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

> [A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ambrose-bierce/a-bad-marriage-is-like-an-electrical-thrilling-machine-it-makes-you/)

[Ambrose Bierce](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ambrose-bierce/)

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                        "text": "Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.",
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                        "text": "Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.",
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                        "text": "K, n. A consonant; originally precisely that of our H, but altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of [one of two lofty columns in] the great temple of Jarute.",
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                        "text": "INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both - as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.",
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                        "text": "Male, A member of the unconsidered or negligible gender. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The Genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.",
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                        "text": "CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.",
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                        "text": "PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.",
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                        "text": "BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.",
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                        "text": "MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.",
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                        "text": "EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other-which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.",
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                        "text": "Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.",
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                            "caption": "“Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "text": "LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.",
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                            "caption": "“LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities.",
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                            "caption": "“LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.",
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                            "caption": "“Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.)…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.",
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                            "caption": "“Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.",
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                            "caption": "“HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy… Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one-the knowledge and the dream.",
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                            "caption": "“Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.",
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                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a \"copy,\" which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is suppose",
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                            "caption": "“REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.",
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                            "caption": "“DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.",
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                            "caption": "“A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                    "item": {
                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.",
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                            "name": "Ambrose Bierce"
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                            "caption": "“INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.",
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                            "caption": "“Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed . . . deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life.",
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                            "caption": "“DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Ambrose Bierce"
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                            "caption": "“Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments…” — Ambrose Bierce",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.",
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