--- title: "23 Trying Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "23 Trying quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Trying sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef5/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-wear-a-toupee-why-not-let-your-fr_401429.jpg" --- > [If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-wear-a-toupee-why-not-let-your-friends-try-it-on-for-a-while/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef5/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-wear-a-toupee-why-not-let-your-fr_401429.jpg) > [Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-weapons-of-mass-destruction-i/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jack-handey-829_building_instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-wea_412329.jpg) > [After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/after-i-die-wherever-my-spirit-goes-i-m-going-to-try-to-get-back-and/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9db/jack-handey-829_buddy_after-i-die-wherever-my-spirit-goes-i-m_3119124.jpg) > [I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-funny-thing-about-driving-a-car-off-a-cliff-is-while-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31b/jack-handey-829_brake_i-bet-a-funny-thing-about-driving-a-car_1078690.jpg) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-t_35491.jpg) > [If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-the-captain-invited-me-to-his-party-after-he-had-whipped-me/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f13/jack-handey-829_captains_if-the-captain-invited-me-to-his-party-a_911492.jpg) > [If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-teach-a-yodeling-class-probably-the-hardest-thing-is-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/790/jack-handey-829_class_if-you-ever-teach-a-yodeling-class-proba_661995.jpg) > [Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/whenever-anyone-says-i-can-t-it-makes-me-wish-he-d-get-stung-to-death/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d98/jack-handey-829_bees_whenever-anyone-says-i-can-t-it-makes-me_3189571.jpg) > [I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling-should-be-carpet-bowling-it-s/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60f/jack-handey-829_bowling_i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling_2153040.jpg) > [If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think-i-d-try-to-stay-near-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg) > [Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/marta-was-watching-the-football-game-with-me-when-she-said-you-know/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg) > [It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-jay-was-trying-to-communicate/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg) > [What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feather-that-s-right-a-feather/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg) > [If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-ever-opened-a-trampoline-store-i-don-t-think-i-d-call-it-trampo/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04c/jack-handey-829_browsing_if-i-ever-opened-a-trampoline-store-i-do_2308221.jpg) > [If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-and-you-re-eating-corn-on-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg) > [When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-who-i-liked-better-monet-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg) > [I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-back-in-time-to-where-there-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg) > [If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-just-go-real-limp-because-maybe/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg) > [I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-be-a-real-happy-guy-i-ll-just/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg) > [Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/anytime-i-see-something-screech-across-a-room-and-latch-onto-someone/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac4/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_anytime-i-see-something-screech-across-a_2123111.jpg) > [If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-go-temporarily-insane-don-t-shoot-somebody-like-a-lot-of/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/481/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-go-temporarily-insane-don-t_2380783.jpg) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a59/jack-handey-829_annoying_when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing_110186.jpg) > [If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-in-a-boxing-match-try-not-to-let-the-other-guy-s-glove/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/938/jack-handey-829_boxing_if-you-re-in-a-boxing-match-try-not-to-l_1801460.jpg) ## Other authors on Trying ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/trying/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "23 Trying Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 23, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? 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Come on, we're not going to hurt it.” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-weapons-of-mass-destruction-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jack-handey-829_building_instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-wea_412329.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jack-handey-829_building_instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-wea_412329.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jack-handey-829_building_instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-wea_412329.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, \"Hey, old buddy, how's it going?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/after-i-die-wherever-my-spirit-goes-i-m-going-to-try-to-get-back-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9db/jack-handey-829_buddy_after-i-die-wherever-my-spirit-goes-i-m_3119124.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9db/jack-handey-829_buddy_after-i-die-wherever-my-spirit-goes-i-m_3119124.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9db/jack-handey-829_buddy_after-i-die-wherever-my-spirit-goes-i-m_3119124.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-funny-thing-about-driving-a-car-off-a-cliff-is-while-you-re/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31b/jack-handey-829_brake_i-bet-a-funny-thing-about-driving-a-car_1078690.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31b/jack-handey-829_brake_i-bet-a-funny-thing-about-driving-a-car_1078690.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31b/jack-handey-829_brake_i-bet-a-funny-thing-about-driving-a-car_1078690.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-t_35491.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-t_35491.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-t_35491.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-the-captain-invited-me-to-his-party-after-he-had-whipped-me/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f13/jack-handey-829_captains_if-the-captain-invited-me-to-his-party-a_911492.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f13/jack-handey-829_captains_if-the-captain-invited-me-to-his-party-a_911492.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f13/jack-handey-829_captains_if-the-captain-invited-me-to-his-party-a_911492.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-teach-a-yodeling-class-probably-the-hardest-thing-is-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/790/jack-handey-829_class_if-you-ever-teach-a-yodeling-class-proba_661995.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/790/jack-handey-829_class_if-you-ever-teach-a-yodeling-class-proba_661995.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/790/jack-handey-829_class_if-you-ever-teach-a-yodeling-class-proba_661995.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Whenever anyone says \"I can't,\" it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says \"I'll try,\" five thousand bees. (\"I can,\" one bee.)", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/whenever-anyone-says-i-can-t-it-makes-me-wish-he-d-get-stung-to-death/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d98/jack-handey-829_bees_whenever-anyone-says-i-can-t-it-makes-me_3189571.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d98/jack-handey-829_bees_whenever-anyone-says-i-can-t-it-makes-me_3189571.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d98/jack-handey-829_bees_whenever-anyone-says-i-can-t-it-makes-me_3189571.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Whenever anyone says \"I can't,\" it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a new, different kind of bowling should be \"carpet bowling.\" It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling-should-be-carpet-bowling-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60f/jack-handey-829_bowling_i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling_2153040.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60f/jack-handey-829_bowling_i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling_2153040.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60f/jack-handey-829_bowling_i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling_2153040.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a new, different kind of bowling should be \"carpet bowling.\" It's just like regular bowling, only…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think-i-d-try-to-stay-near-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a87/jack-handey-829_cowboy_if-i-was-a-cowboy-in-a-lynch-mob-i-think_1828984.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, \"You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.\" \"Yeah,\" I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/marta-was-watching-the-football-game-with-me-when-she-said-you-know/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, \"You know, most of these sports are based on the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. \"What?! What?!\" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-jay-was-trying-to-communicate/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/393/jack-handey-829_blue_it-seemed-to-me-that-somehow-the-blue-ja_1925619.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feather-that-s-right-a-feather/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-ever-opened-a-trampoline-store-i-don-t-think-i-d-call-it-trampo/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04c/jack-handey-829_browsing_if-i-ever-opened-a-trampoline-store-i-do_2308221.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04c/jack-handey-829_browsing_if-i-ever-opened-a-trampoline-store-i-do_2308221.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/04c/jack-handey-829_browsing_if-i-ever-opened-a-trampoline-store-i-do_2308221.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-and-you-re-eating-corn-on-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d0/jack-handey-829_computers_if-you-re-traveling-in-a-time-machine-an_1735359.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, \"I like mayonnaise.\" She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-who-i-liked-better-monet-or/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, \"I like mayonnaise.\" She…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, \"If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.\" Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-back-in-time-to-where-there-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jack-handey-829_back-in-time_i-bet-a-fun-thing-would-be-to-go-way-bac_1744002.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-just-go-real-limp-because-maybe/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-be-a-real-happy-guy-i-ll-just/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. 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Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-go-temporarily-insane-don-t-shoot-somebody-like-a-lot-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/481/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-go-temporarily-insane-don-t_2380783.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/481/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-go-temporarily-insane-don-t_2380783.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/481/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-go-temporarily-insane-don-t_2380783.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. 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