---
title: "23 Trying Quotes By Demetri Martin"
description: "23 Trying quotes by Demetri Martin. Plus more from Demetri Martin and more Trying sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/723/demetri-martin-511_best-way_the-best-way-to-make-somebody-feel-impor_1757580.jpg"
---

> [The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/the-best-way-to-make-somebody-feel-important-is-to-try-to-assassinate/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/723/demetri-martin-511_best-way_the-best-way-to-make-somebody-feel-impor_1757580.jpg)

> [If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-are-trying-to-impress-a-woman-leave-any-sort-of-show-farting/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb9/demetri-martin-511_equations_if-you-are-trying-to-impress-a-woman-lea_1920816.jpg)

> [I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-m-always-excited-to-try-something-i-haven-t-done/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/799/demetri-martin-511_done_i-m-always-excited-to-try-something-i-ha_376643.jpg)

> [I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-always-try-to-just-be-honest-as-opposed-to-artifice-or-manipulation/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73f/demetri-martin-511_artifice_i-always-try-to-just-be-honest-as-oppose_478374.jpg)

> [Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/whenever-i-try-to-spell-banana-i-feel-stupid-because-i-don-t-know/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dfb/demetri-martin-511_bananas_whenever-i-try-to-spell-banana-i-feel-st_1432960.jpg)

> [To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/to-remove-all-credibility-from-what-you-re-saying-try-wearing/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35d/demetri-martin-511_credibility_to-remove-all-credibility-from-what-you_726958.jpg)

> [To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/to-make-even-fewer-friends-try-talking-about-politics-as-much-as-you/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/85d/demetri-martin-511_about-yourself_to-make-even-fewer-friends-try-talking-a_1910310.jpg)

> [To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/to-remove-blood-stains-from-your-conscience-try-frozen-margaritas/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/971/demetri-martin-511_blood_to-remove-blood-stains-from-your-conscie_2751425.jpg)

> [I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-am-completely-attracted-to-the-idea-of-simplicity-or-at-least/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b22/demetri-martin-511_ideas_i-am-completely-attracted-to-the-idea-of_469854.jpg)

> [When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-watering-your-plants-try-to-talk-to-them-say-something-like-hold/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a21/demetri-martin-511_gun_when-watering-your-plants-try-to-talk-to_1153958.jpg)

> [I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-have-an-air-mattress-it-s-great-because-if-someone-tries-to/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/845/demetri-martin-511_air_i-have-an-air-mattress-it-s-great-becaus_2212300.jpg)

> [If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-have-a-lip-ring-try-hanging-some-tiny-keys-from-it-this-will/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1c/demetri-martin-511_ifs_if-you-have-a-lip-ring-try-hanging-some_1194112.jpg)

> [There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/there-are-jokes-i-know-i-want-to-tell-and-there-s-sort-of-a-rough/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/78d/demetri-martin-511_audience_there-are-jokes-i-know-i-want-to-tell-an_3023221.jpg)

> [THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/thing-to-try-if-you-are-asked-to-describe-a-suspect-to-a-police/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/00f/demetri-martin-511_art_thing-to-try-if-you-are-asked-to-describ_122769.jpg)

> [Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/another-thing-that-i-like-and-that-s-fun-for-me-is-to-try-and-talk/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e4/demetri-martin-511_bits_another-thing-that-i-like-and-that-s-fun_148102.jpg)

> [If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-i-think-of-a-joke-that-s-really-dirty-and-i-think-it-s-funny-i-ll/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee5/demetri-martin-511_coming-out_if-i-think-of-a-joke-that-s-really-dirty_1105658.jpg)

> [I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-treadmill-and-i-listen-to-music/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c6e/demetri-martin-511_cry_i-go-the-gym-and-i-try-to-run-on-the-tre_435282.jpg)

> [When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-i-was-younger-i-d-get-very-empirical-with-myself-i-have-a/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/413/demetri-martin-511_basketball_when-i-was-younger-i-d-get-very-empirica_1927226.jpg)

> [To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/to-some-i-am-known-as-chief-and-these-are-usually-people-who-work-in/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f6/demetri-martin-511_bars_to-some-i-am-known-as-chief-and-these-ar_2469953.jpg)

> [When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-i-trip-i-feel-like-that-s-the-world-saying-come-here-for-a/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b71/demetri-martin-511_come_when-i-trip-i-feel-like-that-s-the-world_2361084.jpg)

> [It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-s-weird-to-make-a-decision-where-everyone-in-your-life-disapproves/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/deb/demetri-martin-511_answers_it-s-weird-to-make-a-decision-where-ever_1625199.jpg)

> [I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-don-t-think-i-ever-wrote-a-song-i-can-write-a-lot-of-jokes-but-when/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a1/demetri-martin-511_direct_i-don-t-think-i-ever-wrote-a-song-i-can_1198671.jpg)

> [I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-call-it-new-forms-when-you-re-starting-out-they-ask-you-to-do-four/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/433/demetri-martin-511_asks_i-call-it-new-forms-when-you-re-starting_1754884.jpg)

## Other authors on Trying

## More by Demetri Martin

> [I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-hair-gel-was-invented-to-make-it-easier-to-identify-assholes/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/tic-tacs-are-the-maracas-of-breath-mints/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-someone-describes-themself-as-a-taxpayer-they-re-about-to-be-an/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I think they named the orange before the carrot.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-they-named-the-orange-before-the-carrot/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-like-to-go-to-concerts-because-i-love-to-see-my-favorite-band/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/how-fast-does-a-zebra-have-to-run-before-it-looks-gray/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/skiing-is-my-favorite-sport-because-that-s-the-only-sport-that-is/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-know-about-woodstock-probably-as-much-as-your-average-person-who-is/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/never-be-less-interesting-than-your-refrigerator-magnets/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-bought-a-cactus-a-week-later-it-died-and-i-got-depressed-because-i/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/a-wednesday-with-no-rain-is-a-dry-hump-day/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/thing-to-try-if-you-are-asked-to-describe-a-suspect-to-a-police/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-happen-to-catch-on-fire-during-the-show-do-not-panic-or-wave/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/they-say-that-structure-is-freedom-and-in-a-sense-it-is-when-you-re/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-my-favorite-sound-is-the-sound-of-someone-not-playing-the/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

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                        "text": "To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.",
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                        "text": "To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.",
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                        "text": "I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.",
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                        "text": "When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.",
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                        "text": "I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.",
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                        "text": "If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.",
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                        "text": "There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.",
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                        "text": "THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.",
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                        "text": "Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.",
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                        "text": "If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'",
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                        "text": "I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.",
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                        "text": "When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. \"I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball.\" So I'd try. \"Conclusion: I cannot play basketball.\"",
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                        "text": "To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!",
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                        "text": "When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.",
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                        "text": "It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, \"You've got one year left. Just do it.\" I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, \"Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?\" And I said, \"You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time.\"",
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                        "text": "I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.",
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                        "text": "I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.",
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