--- title: "19 Toxic Shame Quotes By John Bradshaw" description: "19 Toxic Shame quotes by John Bradshaw. Plus more from John Bradshaw and more Toxic Shame sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/john-bradshaw-2227_quote_shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-whe_1345135.jpg" --- > [“Shyness can become a serious problem when it is rooted in toxic shame.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-when-it-is-rooted-in-toxic-shame/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/john-bradshaw-2227_quote_shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-whe_1345135.jpg) > [“Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/hell-in-my-opinion-is-never-finding-your-true-self-and-never-living-2/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d34/john-bradshaw-2227_hell_hell-in-my-opinion-is-never-finding-your_2670027.jpg) > [“Unfortunately, accomplishments do not reduce internalized shame. In fact, the more one achieves, the more one has to achieve. Toxic shame is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/unfortunately-accomplishments-do-not-reduce-internalized-shame-in/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae2/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_unfortunately-accomplishments-do-not-red_848211.jpg) > [“Superachievement and perfectionism are two of the leading cover-ups for toxic shame. As paradoxical as it may seem, the straight-A student and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/superachievement-and-perfectionism-are-two-of-the-leading-cover-ups/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37a/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_superachievement-and-perfectionism-are-t_3045134.jpg) > [“Where are you, Adam? According to the book of Genesis, Adam went into hiding after the fall. By trying to be more…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/where-are-you-adam-according-to-the-book-of-genesis-adam-went-into/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/john-bradshaw-2227_book-of-genesis_where-are-you-adam-according-to-the-book_1611052.jpg) > [“The agony of this chronic stage of being cannot be endured for long. At the deepest level, toxic shame triggers our basic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-agony-of-this-chronic-stage-of-being-cannot-be-endured-for-long/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d4/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_the-agony-of-this-chronic-stage-of-being_2193670.jpg) > [“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family system and its multigenerational…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models-it-is-obvious-that-a-major/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg) > [“What a perfectionistic system creates is a “how to get it right” behavioral script. In such a script one is taught how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/what-a-perfectionistic-system-creates-is-a-how-to-get-it-right/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d60/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_what-a-perfectionistic-system-creates-is_2650393.jpg) > [“Crushing the toddler’s autonomy and purposeful will is the most damaging form of shaming that can be done. When autonomy is crushed,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/crushing-the-toddler-s-autonomy-and-purposeful-will-is-the-most/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8d/john-bradshaw-2227_children_crushing-the-toddler-s-autonomy-and-purp_557408.jpg) > [“High achievement is often the result of being driven by toxic shame. Feeling flawed and defective on the inside, I had to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/high-achievement-is-often-the-result-of-being-driven-by-toxic-shame/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35c/john-bradshaw-2227_achievement_high-achievement-is-often-the-result-of_391802.jpg) > [“SHAME-BASED FAMILIES AND MULTIGENERATIONAL ILLNESS One of the devastating aspects of toxic shame is that it is multigenerational. The secret and hidden…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-families-and-multigenerational-illness-one-of-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29c/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-families-and-multigeneration_306464.jpg) > [“Toxic shame results from the unexpected exposure of vulnerable aspects of a child’s self. This exposure takes place before the child has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-results-from-the-unexpected-exposure-of-vulnerable/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/373/john-bradshaw-2227_children_toxic-shame-results-from-the-unexpected_2160035.jpg) > [“A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective.Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-person-with-internalized-shame-believes-he-is-inherently-flawed/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/john-bradshaw-2227_addiction_a-person-with-internalized-shame-believe_2462361.jpg) > [“Arnold was scapegoated from the moment he set foot in the school. He was laughed at, made fun of and ridiculed by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/arnold-was-scapegoated-from-the-moment-he-set-foot-in-the-school-he/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/417/john-bradshaw-2227_high-school_arnold-was-scapegoated-from-the-moment-h_1778711.jpg) > [“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and defective as a human…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-experienced-as-the-all/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg) > [“Toxic shame, with its more-than-human, less-than-human polarization, is either inhuman or dehumanizing. The demand for a false self to cover and hide…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-with-its-more-than-human-less-than-human-polarization-is/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/377/john-bradshaw-2227_authentic-self_toxic-shame-with-its-more-than-human-les_2288284.jpg) > [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg) > [“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a life of honesty,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-decide-and-clarify-our/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg) > [“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship. This inability flows directly out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based-person-carries-is-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg) ## More by John Bradshaw > [Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by joining a group and talking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/recovery-begins-with-embracing-our-pain-and-taking-the-risk-to-share/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“Generally speaking, most of our vital, spontaneous, instinctual life gets shamed. Children are shamed for being too rambunctious, for wanting things and for laughing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/generally-speaking-most-of-our-vital-spontaneous-instinctual-life/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“A covert kind of sexual abuse occurs when Dad or Mom talk about sex in front of the children when the age level of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-covert-kind-of-sexual-abuse-occurs-when-dad-or-mom-talk-about-sex/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they cant feel anymore.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-know-from-my-own-clinical-work-that-when-people-are-beaten-and-hurt/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“Love-that which biologists, nervous about being misunderstood call "attachment"-fuels the bond between dog and master or mistress.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/love-that-which-biologists-nervous-about-being-misunderstood-call/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“(b) Boundary Violation. This involves children witnessing parents in sexual behavior. They may walk in on it because parents don’t provide closed or locked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/b-boundary-violation-this-involves-children-witnessing-parents-in/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“A toxically shamed person is divided within himself and must create a false-self cover-up to hide his sense of being flawed and defective. You…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-toxically-shamed-person-is-divided-within-himself-and-must-create-a/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [I define a 'good person' as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations. They know their strengths, but they also know their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-define-a-good-person-as-somebody-who-is-fully-conscious-of-their/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“The ego defense of conversion transforms developmental needs into the need for something else. This could be food, money or excessive attention. In Max’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-ego-defense-of-conversion-transforms-developmental-needs-into-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“In fact, the most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the star…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-fact-the-most-paradoxical-aspect-of-neurotic-shame-is-that-it-is/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/ego-is-to-the-true-self-what-a-flashlight-is-to-a-spotlight/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“If a cat falls out of a high-rise building or a tall tree, it has another trick available: forming a “parachute” by spreading all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-a-cat-falls-out-of-a-high-rise-building-or-a-tall-tree-it-has/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“In the past, when dogs’ functions were mostly rural, it was accepted that they were intrinsically messy and needed to be managed on their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-the-past-when-dogs-functions-were-mostly-rural-it-was-accepted/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“IDENTIFICATION When victimization takes place the victim often identifies with the persecutor. By so doing the victim no longer feels the helplessness and the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/identification-when-victimization-takes-place-the-victim-often/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toxic-shame/john-bradshaw/#itemlist", "name": "19 Toxic Shame Quotes By John Bradshaw", "numberOfItems": 19, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Shyness can become a serious problem when it is rooted in toxic shame.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-when-it-is-rooted-in-toxic-shame/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/john-bradshaw-2227_quote_shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-whe_1345135.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/john-bradshaw-2227_quote_shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-whe_1345135.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/john-bradshaw-2227_quote_shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-whe_1345135.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Shyness can become a serious problem when it is rooted in toxic shame.” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are. This is the fate that lies at the end of the journey of ever-deepening toxic shame.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/hell-in-my-opinion-is-never-finding-your-true-self-and-never-living-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d34/john-bradshaw-2227_hell_hell-in-my-opinion-is-never-finding-your_2670027.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d34/john-bradshaw-2227_hell_hell-in-my-opinion-is-never-finding-your_2670027.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d34/john-bradshaw-2227_hell_hell-in-my-opinion-is-never-finding-your_2670027.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Unfortunately, accomplishments do not reduce internalized shame. In fact, the more one achieves, the more one has to achieve. Toxic shame is about being; no amount of doing will ever change it.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/unfortunately-accomplishments-do-not-reduce-internalized-shame-in/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae2/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_unfortunately-accomplishments-do-not-red_848211.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae2/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_unfortunately-accomplishments-do-not-red_848211.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ae2/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_unfortunately-accomplishments-do-not-red_848211.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Unfortunately, accomplishments do not reduce internalized shame. 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As paradoxical as it may seem, the straight-A student and the F student may both be driven by toxic shame.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/superachievement-and-perfectionism-are-two-of-the-leading-cover-ups/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37a/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_superachievement-and-perfectionism-are-t_3045134.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37a/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_superachievement-and-perfectionism-are-t_3045134.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37a/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_superachievement-and-perfectionism-are-t_3045134.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Superachievement and perfectionism are two of the leading cover-ups for toxic shame. As paradoxical as it…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Where are you, Adam? According to the book of Genesis, Adam went into hiding after the fall. By trying to be more than human, Adam felt less than human. Before the fall, Adam was not ashamed; after the fall he was. Toxic shame is true agony. It is a pain felt from the inside, in the core of our being. It is excruciatingly painful.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/where-are-you-adam-according-to-the-book-of-genesis-adam-went-into/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/john-bradshaw-2227_book-of-genesis_where-are-you-adam-according-to-the-book_1611052.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/john-bradshaw-2227_book-of-genesis_where-are-you-adam-according-to-the-book_1611052.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fee/john-bradshaw-2227_book-of-genesis_where-are-you-adam-according-to-the-book_1611052.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Where are you, Adam? According to the book of Genesis, Adam went into hiding after the fall. 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We avoid our core agony and pain and over a period of years, we avoid our avoidance.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-agony-of-this-chronic-stage-of-being-cannot-be-endured-for-long/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d4/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_the-agony-of-this-chronic-stage-of-being_2193670.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d4/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_the-agony-of-this-chronic-stage-of-being_2193670.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d4/john-bradshaw-2227_shame_the-agony-of-this-chronic-stage-of-being_2193670.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The agony of this chronic stage of being cannot be endured for long. At the deepest level, toxic shame…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family system and its multigenerational patterns of unresolved secrets. More specifically, these families are created by the shame-based people who find and marry each other. Each expects the other to parent the child within him or her. Each is incomplete and insatiable. The insatiability is rooted in each person’s unmet childhood needs.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models-it-is-obvious-that-a-major/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“What a perfectionistic system creates is a “how to get it right” behavioral script. In such a script one is taught how to act loving and righteous. It’s actually more important to act loving and righteous than to be loving and righteous. The feeling of righteousness and acting sanctimoniously are wonderful ways to mood-alter toxic shame. They are often ways to interpersonally transfer one’s shame to others.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/what-a-perfectionistic-system-creates-is-a-how-to-get-it-right/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d60/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_what-a-perfectionistic-system-creates-is_2650393.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d60/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_what-a-perfectionistic-system-creates-is_2650393.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d60/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_what-a-perfectionistic-system-creates-is_2650393.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What a perfectionistic system creates is a “how to get it right” behavioral script. In such a script one is…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Crushing the toddler’s autonomy and purposeful will is the most damaging form of shaming that can be done. When autonomy is crushed, toxic shame is manifested either as total conformity or rebellion against authority. Once willpower, anger and purpose are bound in shame, a child’s selfhood and personal power are severely wounded. His drive for separateness and autonomy are bound by shame. This has been called a “purpose shame bind.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/crushing-the-toddler-s-autonomy-and-purposeful-will-is-the-most/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8d/john-bradshaw-2227_children_crushing-the-toddler-s-autonomy-and-purp_557408.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8d/john-bradshaw-2227_children_crushing-the-toddler-s-autonomy-and-purp_557408.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8d/john-bradshaw-2227_children_crushing-the-toddler-s-autonomy-and-purp_557408.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Crushing the toddler’s autonomy and purposeful will is the most damaging form of shaming that can be done…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“High achievement is often the result of being driven by toxic shame. Feeling flawed and defective on the inside, I had to prove I was okay by being exceptional on the outside. Everything I did was based on getting authenticated on the outside. My good feelings depended upon achievement.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/high-achievement-is-often-the-result-of-being-driven-by-toxic-shame/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35c/john-bradshaw-2227_achievement_high-achievement-is-often-the-result-of_391802.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35c/john-bradshaw-2227_achievement_high-achievement-is-often-the-result-of_391802.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35c/john-bradshaw-2227_achievement_high-achievement-is-often-the-result-of_391802.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“High achievement is often the result of being driven by toxic shame. Feeling flawed and defective on the…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“SHAME-BASED FAMILIES AND MULTIGENERATIONAL ILLNESS One of the devastating aspects of toxic shame is that it is multigenerational. The secret and hidden aspects of toxic shame form the wellsprings of its multigenerational life. Since it is kept hidden, it cannot be worked out. Families are as sick as their toxic shame secrets.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-families-and-multigenerational-illness-one-of-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29c/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-families-and-multigeneration_306464.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29c/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-families-and-multigeneration_306464.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29c/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-families-and-multigeneration_306464.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“SHAME-BASED FAMILIES AND MULTIGENERATIONAL ILLNESS One of the devastating aspects of toxic shame is that it…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Toxic shame results from the unexpected exposure of vulnerable aspects of a child’s self. This exposure takes place before the child has any ego boundaries to protect herself. Early shaming events happen in a context where the child has no ability to choose. The felt experience of shame is being exposed and seen when one is not ready to be seen.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-results-from-the-unexpected-exposure-of-vulnerable/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/373/john-bradshaw-2227_children_toxic-shame-results-from-the-unexpected_2160035.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/373/john-bradshaw-2227_children_toxic-shame-results-from-the-unexpected_2160035.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/373/john-bradshaw-2227_children_toxic-shame-results-from-the-unexpected_2160035.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Toxic shame results from the unexpected exposure of vulnerable aspects of a child’s self. This exposure…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective.Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction. What I’ll mainly describe in the first part of this book is how the affect shame can become the source of self-loathing, hatred of others, cruelty, violence, brutality, prejudice and all forms of destructive addictions. As an internalized identity, toxic shame is one of the major sources of the demonic in human life.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-person-with-internalized-shame-believes-he-is-inherently-flawed/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/john-bradshaw-2227_addiction_a-person-with-internalized-shame-believe_2462361.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/john-bradshaw-2227_addiction_a-person-with-internalized-shame-believe_2462361.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/john-bradshaw-2227_addiction_a-person-with-internalized-shame-believe_2462361.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective.Such a feeling is…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Arnold was scapegoated from the moment he set foot in the school. He was laughed at, made fun of and ridiculed by one group of girls. Some days he was hit with water bombs and sacks of horse shit as he waited for the bus. This treatment continued until the middle of his senior year. For two years Arnold suffered almost chronic shaming. This was an excruciating experience. High school is the time of puberty. And puberty is a time of intense exposure and vulnerability. Whatever toxic shame a person carries from childhood will be tested in high school. Often teenage groups look for a scapegoat, someone everyone can dump and project their shame onto. This was Arnold’s fate. He was viciously shamed by his female peer group. This accounted for his problem with women.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/arnold-was-scapegoated-from-the-moment-he-set-foot-in-the-school-he/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/417/john-bradshaw-2227_high-school_arnold-was-scapegoated-from-the-moment-h_1778711.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/417/john-bradshaw-2227_high-school_arnold-was-scapegoated-from-the-moment-h_1778711.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/417/john-bradshaw-2227_high-school_arnold-was-scapegoated-from-the-moment-h_1778711.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Arnold was scapegoated from the moment he set foot in the school. He was laughed at, made fun of and…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and defective as a human being.” Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits; it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. Toxic shame is a rupture of the self with the self. It is like internal bleeding—exposure to oneself lies at the heart of toxic shame. A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself. Toxic shame is so excruciating because it is the painful exposure of the perceived failure of self to the self. In toxic shame the self becomes an object of its own contempt, an object that can’t be trusted. As an object that can’t be trusted, one experiences oneself as untrustworthy.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-experienced-as-the-all/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Toxic shame, with its more-than-human, less-than-human polarization, is either inhuman or dehumanizing. The demand for a false self to cover and hide the authentic self necessitates a life dominated by doing and achievement. Everything depends on performance and achievement rather than on being. Being requires no measurement; it is its own justification. Being is grounded in an inner life that grows in richness. “The kingdom of heaven is within,” says the Scripture. Toxic shame looks to the outside for happiness and validation, since the inside is flawed and defective. Toxic shame is spiritual bankruptcy.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-with-its-more-than-human-less-than-human-polarization-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/377/john-bradshaw-2227_authentic-self_toxic-shame-with-its-more-than-human-les_2288284.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/377/john-bradshaw-2227_authentic-self_toxic-shame-with-its-more-than-human-les_2288284.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/377/john-bradshaw-2227_authentic-self_toxic-shame-with-its-more-than-human-les_2288284.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Toxic shame, with its more-than-human, less-than-human polarization, is either inhuman or dehumanizing. The…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational. It is passed from one generation to the next. Shame-based people find other shame-based people and get married. As each member of a couple carries the shame from his or her own family system, their marriage will be grounded in their shame-core. The major outcome of this will be a lack of intimacy. It’s difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain nonintimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. Confluence creates pseudointimacy.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and discipline, we must be willing to commit ourselves to reality. This commitment, according to Peck, “requires the willingness and the capacity to suffer continual self-examination.” Such an ability requires a good relationship with oneself. This is precisely what no shame-based person has. In fact, a toxically shamed person has an adversarial relationship with himself. Toxic shame—the shame that binds us—is a core part of neurotic and character disordered syndromes of behavior.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-decide-and-clarify-our/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship. This inability flows directly out of the fundamental dishonesty at the core of toxic shame. To be a false self, always hiding and filled with secrets, precludes any possibility of honesty in relationships. As I’ve suggested elsewhere, shame-based people always seek out relationships with shame-based people. Hockey players don’t usually hang out with professional bridge players. They don’t know each other’s rules. We tend to find those who play by the same rules. Secretiveness, dishonesty and game-playing were certainly the substance of my relational history. During my drunken”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based-person-carries-is-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toxic-shame/john-bradshaw/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toxic-shame/john-bradshaw/", "name": "Toxic Shame Quotes by John Bradshaw", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toxic-shame/john-bradshaw/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/john-bradshaw-2227_quote_shyness-can-become-a-serious-problem-whe_1345135.jpg" }, "description": "19 Toxic Shame quotes by John Bradshaw. 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