---
title: "475 Toilet Quotes by 369 authors"
description: "Browse 475 Toilet quotes by 369 authors. Discover the best Toilet sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e8/lady-gaga-359_internet_the-internet-is-a-toilet-it-is-1018266_1018266.jpg"
---

> [The Internet is a toilet. It is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lady-gaga/the-internet-is-a-toilet-it-is/)

[Lady Gaga](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lady-gaga/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e8/lady-gaga-359_internet_the-internet-is-a-toilet-it-is-1018266_1018266.jpg)

> [If shit happens, flush the toilet](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author-name/if-shit-happens-flush-the-toilet/)

[Author Name](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/author-name/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/921/author-name-101_flush_if-shit-happens-flush-the-toilet-225715_225715.jpg)

> [Same sh\*t, different toilet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/same-sh-t-different-toilet/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3df/anonymous-1_different_same-sh-t-different-toilet-2365477_2365477.jpg)

> [Sandpaper? You mean toilet paper.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/sandpaper-you-mean-toilet-paper/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05d/nikhil-saluja-26_funny_sandpaper-you-mean-toilet-paper-2550942_2550942.jpg)

> [“The best poops clean wipe!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-magee/the-best-poops-clean-wipe/)

[Steven Magee](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-magee/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/608/steven-magee-129_clean_the-best-poops-clean-wipe-1855473_1855473.jpg)

> [Hahahaha bathroom selfless.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tamika/hahahaha-bathroom-selfless/)

[Tamika](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tamika/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bbd/tamika-72750_50th-wedding-anniver_hahahaha-bathroom-selfless-2176039_2176039.jpg)

> [Haha standing on the toilet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach/haha-standing-on-the-toilet/)

[Zach](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89d/zach-23448_standing_haha-standing-on-the-toilet-2591615_2591615.jpg)

> [“It's an alien toilet!" -Cassie”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/katherine-applegate/it-s-an-alien-toilet-cassie/)

[Katherine Applegate](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/katherine-applegate/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/345/katherine-applegate-3304_alien_it-s-an-alien-toilet-cassie-146007_146007.jpg)

> [Changing the toilet roll Will not cause brain damage](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/maria-zaikani/changing-the-toilet-roll-will-not-cause-brain-damage/)

[Maria Zaikani](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/maria-zaikani/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d5/maria-zaikani-259749_brain-damage_changing-the-toilet-roll-will-not-cause_2039177.jpg)

> [The Pacific is the best toilet for satellites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/neil-degrasse-tyson/the-pacific-is-the-best-toilet-for-satellites/)

[Neil deGrasse Tyson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/neil-degrasse-tyson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f0/neil-degrasse-tyson-143_best_the-pacific-is-the-best-toilet-for-satel_3195.png)

> [Justin Bieber was arrested this morning for using Men's Toilet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/justin-bieber-was-arrested-this-morning-for-using-men-s-toilet/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f59/anonymous-1_arrested_justin-bieber-was-arrested-this-morning_2827923.jpg)

> [I do all my interviews on the toilet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/slash/i-do-all-my-interviews-on-the-toilet/)

[Slash](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/slash/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4a9/slash-4766_interviews_i-do-all-my-interviews-on-the-toilet-193_193102.png)

> [There's no place like home. And there's no toilet like your own.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/taylor-york/there-s-no-place-like-home-and-there-s-no-toilet-like-your-own/)

[Taylor York](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/taylor-york/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2dc/taylor-york-40909_home_there-s-no-place-like-home-and-there-s-n_2794775.jpg)

> [How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/robert-schimmel/how-do-blind-people-know-when-they-re-done-wiping-their-ass/)

[Robert Schimmel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/robert-schimmel/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1d/robert-schimmel-22245_ass_how-do-blind-people-know-when-they-re-do_2265003.jpg)

> [“You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kami-garcia/you-re-so-full-of-crap-you-could-pass-for-a-toilet/)

[Kami Garcia](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kami-garcia/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/520/kami-garcia-543_crap_you-re-so-full-of-crap-you-could-pass-fo_1582968.png)

> [People who talk shit are reincarnated as toilet paper.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nishan-panwar/people-who-talk-shit-are-reincarnated-as-toilet-paper/)

[Nishan Panwar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nishan-panwar/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bd/nishan-panwar-14_bad-karma_people-who-talk-shit-are-reincarnated-as_1289886.jpg)

> [I'd like to say I'm a very silly man. But I'm not that silly. I'm not throwing any diamond ring down a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michael-clarke/i-d-like-to-say-i-m-a-very-silly-man-but-i-m-not-that-silly-i-m-not/)

[Michael Clarke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michael-clarke/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed2/michael-clarke-4865_diamond_i-d-like-to-say-i-m-a-very-silly-man-but_1144088.png)

> [Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/oh-well-i-d-just-been-thinking-if-you-had-died-you-d-have-been/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afd/anonymous-1_humor_oh-well-i-d-just-been-thinking-if-you-ha_2722863.jpg)

> [I always said if I could figure out a way to grow Kleenex and toilet paper on trees, we could pull the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joel-salatin/i-always-said-if-i-could-figure-out-a-way-to-grow-kleenex-and-toilet/)

[Joel Salatin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joel-salatin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/544/joel-salatin-3103_grow_i-always-said-if-i-could-figure-out-a-wa_1663491.png)

> [I literally threw my entire life into the toilet and flushed it to get elected.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-santos/i-literally-threw-my-entire-life-into-the-toilet-and-flushed-it-to/)

[George Santos](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-santos/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faf/george-santos-6442_entire-life_i-literally-threw-my-entire-life-into-th_720361.jpg)

> [That dammit moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like Now what do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/azgraybebly-joslan/that-dammit-moment-when-you-forget-to-take-your-phone-to-the-toilet/)

[Azgraybebly Joslan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/azgraybebly-joslan/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/547/azgraybebly-joslan-653_d-lol_that-dammit-moment-when-you-forget-to-ta_972881.jpg)

> [Everybody says sh\*t happens, but don't you hate it when there is no toilet paper!!!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ash-sweeney/everybody-says-sh-t-happens-but-don-t-you-hate-it-when-there-is-no/)

[Ash Sweeney](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ash-sweeney/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29b/ash-sweeney-731_sarcastic_everybody-says-sh-t-happens-but-don-t-yo_1188383.jpg)

> [“Down the toilet, lookit me, What a silly thing ta do! Hope nobody takes a pee, Yippy dippy dippy doo . . .”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thomas-pynchon/down-the-toilet-lookit-me-what-a-silly-thing-ta-do-hope-nobody-takes/)

[Thomas Pynchon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thomas-pynchon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/302/thomas-pynchon-533_quote_down-the-toilet-lookit-me-what-a-silly-t_1786421.jpg)

> [Toilet brushes got it rough. Mad respect. Do your thing and keep your chin up.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/toilet-brushes-got-it-rough-mad-respect-do-your-thing-and-keep-your/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/anonymous-1_respect_toilet-brushes-got-it-rough-mad-respect_939650.jpg)

> [When I got my Oprah money, the first thing I bought was a really nice electronic bidet toilet seat. It just feels…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/zach-anner/when-i-got-my-oprah-money-the-first-thing-i-bought-was-a-really-nice/)

[Zach Anner](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/zach-anner/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7a/zach-anner-4934_bidet_when-i-got-my-oprah-money-the-first-thin_712891.jpg)

> [“The reason is that even in a fantasy there is nothing even remotely erotic about a toilet bowl. In fact, considered as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/helen-dewitt/the-reason-is-that-even-in-a-fantasy-there-is-nothing-even-remotely/)

[Helen DeWitt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/helen-dewitt/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b29/helen-dewitt-19555_sex_the-reason-is-that-even-in-a-fantasy-the_3017310.jpg)

> [I have no system of writing. It's chaos. I could be upside down on my bedroom floor; I'll be scribbling on a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/greg-davies/i-have-no-system-of-writing-it-s-chaos-i-could-be-upside-down-on-my/)

[Greg Davies](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/greg-davies/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/98a/greg-davies-8610_bedroom_i-have-no-system-of-writing-it-s-chaos-i_1570213.jpg)

> [After I left school at 16 I had three jobs: I worked in a ceramics factory, where I made toilet handles, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/phil-taylor/after-i-left-school-at-16-i-had-three-jobs-i-worked-in-a-ceramics/)

[Phil Taylor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/phil-taylor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f80/phil-taylor-4514_people_after-i-left-school-at-16-i-had-three-jo_1541524.jpg)

> [There are some ghost stories in Japan where - when you are sitting in the bathroom in the traditional style of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/shigeru-miyamoto/there-are-some-ghost-stories-in-japan-where-when-you-are-sitting-in/)

[Shigeru Miyamoto](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/shigeru-miyamoto/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b2/shigeru-miyamoto-5303_bathroom_there-are-some-ghost-stories-in-japan-wh_1615694.jpg)

> [I'm looking into making toilet paper. It's not an option unless you a bum and gotta use newspaper. It's not an option.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/cam-ron/i-m-looking-into-making-toilet-paper-it-s-not-an-option-unless-you-a/)

[Cam'ron](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/cam-ron/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c0/cam-ron-5341_car_i-m-looking-into-making-toilet-paper-it_1227278.png)

> [Now, as husbands go, I have to admit I did all right. Joe is unquestionably handsome, doesn't leave ragged toenail clippings scattered…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jenna-mccarthy/now-as-husbands-go-i-have-to-admit-i-did-all-right-joe-is/)

[Jenna McCarthy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jenna-mccarthy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2bf/jenna-mccarthy-30648_about_now-as-husbands-go-i-have-to-admit-i-did_705839.png)

> [Let women stop using lime in their toilet because even the red ant which lives in the lime tree stinks.Thorough washing is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/unkwown/let-women-stop-using-lime-in-their-toilet-because-even-the-red-ant/)

[Unkwown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/unkwown/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce6/unkwown-58260_african-proverb_let-women-stop-using-lime-in-their-toile_1720202.jpg)

> [“He followed her into the bathroom and sat on the shut toilet seat while she washed her back with a brush. "I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-cheever/he-followed-her-into-the-bathroom-and-sat-on-the-shut-toilet-seat/)

[John Cheever](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-cheever/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd8/john-cheever-3301_love_he-followed-her-into-the-bathroom-and-sa_2151249.jpg)

> [The bathrooms - that usually would be a porta-potty - were wrapped in a fabric that was neutral to match the fort…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kanye-west/the-bathrooms-that-usually-would-be-a-porta-potty-were-wrapped-in-a/)

[Kanye West](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kanye-west/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37f/kanye-west-242_bars_the-bathrooms-that-usually-would-be-a-po_1846921.jpg)

> [My first exposure to sanitation issues occurred when I got admission into an engineering college. They probably didn't want to admit me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sudha-murty/my-first-exposure-to-sanitation-issues-occurred-when-i-got-admission/)

[Sudha Murty](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sudha-murty/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ff/sudha-murty-4572_admit_my-first-exposure-to-sanitation-issues-o_36015.jpg)

> [If you look at the end of a roll of toilet paper, like the brown paper tube, I basically worked in a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetrious-johnson/if-you-look-at-the-end-of-a-roll-of-toilet-paper-like-the-brown-paper/)

[Demetrious Johnson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetrious-johnson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/442/demetrious-johnson-6510_anything_if-you-look-at-the-end-of-a-roll-of-toil_2114416.jpg)

> [“Finally, I found what seemed at the time to be a lid of some sort. Presuming it was a toilet seat (but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-mustaine/finally-i-found-what-seemed-at-the-time-to-be-a-lid-of-some-sort/)

[Dave Mustaine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-mustaine/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d3/dave-mustaine-8615_humor_finally-i-found-what-seemed-at-the-time_561821.jpg)

> [“He thinks about it for a moment. "All right. I'll go firts" He takes a deep breath. Do you know what a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jamie-ponti/he-thinks-about-it-for-a-moment-all-right-i-ll-go-firts-he-takes-a/)

[Jamie Ponti](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jamie-ponti/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e8/jamie-ponti-169881_time_he-thinks-about-it-for-a-moment-all-righ_54733.jpg)

> [“silence falls. i open my eyes and ready myself to move, glancing down at me feet bridging the toilet bowl. it's gross…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kirsty-mckay/silence-falls-i-open-my-eyes-and-ready-myself-to-move-glancing-down/)

[Kirsty McKay](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kirsty-mckay/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/419/kirsty-mckay-38492_flush_silence-falls-i-open-my-eyes-and-ready-m_2985104.jpg)

> [“You're the man who stands on the street corner with a roll of toilet paper, and written on each square are the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kurt-vonnegut/you-re-the-man-who-stands-on-the-street-corner-with-a-roll-of-toilet/)

[Kurt Vonnegut](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kurt-vonnegut/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7d/kurt-vonnegut-41_humanity_you-re-the-man-who-stands-on-the-street_1293182.jpg)

## Top authors on Toilet

- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b018/author-nikhil-saluja-71464.jpg) Nikhil Saluja 18 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toilet/nikhil-saluja/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b021/author-rose-george-81288.jpg) Rose George 6 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toilet/rose-george/)
- [Jarod Kintz 5 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/toilet/jarod-kintz/)

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                        "@type": "Quotation",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
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                        "text": "That dammit moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like Now what do I do¦?",
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                        "text": "Everybody says sh*t happens, but don't you hate it when there is no toilet paper!!!",
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                        "text": "“Down the toilet, lookit me, What a silly thing ta do! Hope nobody takes a pee, Yippy dippy dippy doo . . .”",
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                        "text": "Toilet brushes got it rough. Mad respect. Do your thing and keep your chin up.",
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                        "text": "When I got my Oprah money, the first thing I bought was a really nice electronic bidet toilet seat. It just feels like this is what we should be doing. For everybody who uses it, it's like there's no goin' back.",
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                        "text": "“The reason is that even in a fantasy there is nothing even remotely erotic about a toilet bowl. In fact, considered as an accoutrement to a sexual encounter, a toilet bowl is a real cold shower.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I have no system of writing. It's chaos. I could be upside down on my bedroom floor; I'll be scribbling on a pad that I'll then lose. I'll be on the toilet with my laptop on, sitting in the pub with my iPad.",
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                        "text": "After I left school at 16 I had three jobs: I worked in a ceramics factory, where I made toilet handles, I repaired cars for people and in the evenings and weekends I worked in a bar. I had to do them all to make ends meet.",
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                        "text": "There are some ghost stories in Japan where - when you are sitting in the bathroom in the traditional style of the Japanese toilet - a hand is actually starting to grab you from beneath. It's a very scary story.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I'm looking into making toilet paper. It's not an option unless you a bum and gotta use newspaper. It's not an option. Like, it's an option if you wanna drive a car. It's an option if you wanna use a straw. It's an option if you wanna wear a pair of Nikes or Reeboks.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Now, as husbands go, I have to admit I did all right. Joe is unquestionably handsome, doesn't leave ragged toenail clippings scattered about the house, and has never once, in nearly five thousand days of togetherness, left the toilet seat up.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Let women stop using lime in their toilet because even the red ant which lives in the lime tree stinks.Thorough washing is better than the use of perfume",
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                        "text": "“He followed her into the bathroom and sat on the shut toilet seat while she washed her back with a brush. \"I forgot to tell you,\" he said. \"Liza sent us a wheel of Brie.\" \"That's nice,\" she said, \"but you know what? Brie gives me terribly loose bowels.\" He hitched up his genitals and crossed his legs. \"That's funny,\" he said. \"It constipates me.\" That was their marriage then--not the highest paving of the stair, the clatter of Italian fountains, the wind in the alien olive trees, but this: a jay-naked male and female discussing their bowels.”",
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                        "text": "The bathrooms - that usually would be a porta-potty - were wrapped in a fabric that was neutral to match the fort ... the same materials that were used to cover the bathroom, we said, 'Let's just use that [to cover a bar at the reception], because this is all we have to make the bar look better.' Which it did, in the end.",
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                        "text": "My first exposure to sanitation issues occurred when I got admission into an engineering college. They probably didn't want to admit me and informed me that there was no ladies toilet in the college. I was adamant and pursued my studies in engineering in that very college.",
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                        "text": "If you look at the end of a roll of toilet paper, like the brown paper tube, I basically worked in a factory that made humongous ones like that - for concrete or anything you wanted to put in there. I was the guy who chopped those up into smaller pieces, put them in a box, throw it in a pallet, wrap it up, jump in a forklift and put it on a truck.",
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                        "text": "“Finally, I found what seemed at the time to be a lid of some sort. Presuming it was a toilet seat (but not really caring one way or the other) I lifted it up, then dropped my shorts and began to piss. Ahhh...success. Then I stumbled back to bed and passed out. It wasn't until the next morning that I realized what had actually happened. I woke to the sight of Junior standing over my bed with a look of disgust on his face. \"Hey, man. Did you pee in my suitcase?”",
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                        "text": "“He thinks about it for a moment. \"All right. I'll go firts\" He takes a deep breath. Do you know what a bidet is? One of those fancy toilet things with the hose to was your-\" I know what it is,\" I cut him off. Well. I didn't. At least I didn't when I was ten. We were on vacation in New York when we got to the room, I went into the bathroom and saw it there. And I just stared at it for a while trying to figure out what it might be.\" This isn't going to end well, is it?\" Finally, I did figure it out. Or at least I thought I did.\" You didn't!\" Oh, yes I did. I called out, 'Mon, Dad, there's a water fountain in the bathroom.' They tried to rush in and stop me, but they were too late.\" … This spring I took the SAT at the comunity college. About halfway through the test, I adjusted the way I was sitting and-\" He cuts me off. \"Oh, my God. You're Fart Girl!\" Fart Girl?\" I say, mortified. \"You mean, you heard about what happened?\" He started laughing. \"I didn't hear about it. I heard it. I was there, in the same classroom. I didn't know who did it, but I definately heard it.\" He laughs some more. \"The whole section was cracking up.”",
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                        "text": "“silence falls. i open my eyes and ready myself to move, glancing down at me feet bridging the toilet bowl. it's gross that i haven't been able to flush, but if it's yellow, let it mellow...and run like hell-o. i have to make a move for the door, and fast--undead Kirsty Mckay”",
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                        "text": "“You're the man who stands on the street corner with a roll of toilet paper, and written on each square are the words, 'I love you.' And each passer-by, no matter who, gets a square all his or her own. I don't want my square of toilet paper.' I didn't realize it was toilet paper.”",
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