---
title: "Best Today Quotes by Jay Leno"
description: "83 Today quotes by Jay Leno. Plus more from Jay Leno and more Today sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2d/jay-leno-210_beats_a-newsweek-poll-said-if-the-election-wer_1080540.png"
---

> [A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/a-newsweek-poll-said-if-the-election-were-held-today-john-kerry-would/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d2d/jay-leno-210_beats_a-newsweek-poll-said-if-the-election-wer_1080540.png)

> [Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/remember-when-we-used-to-worry-about-some-weirdo-having-a-razor-blade/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/98b/jay-leno-210_apples_remember-when-we-used-to-worry-about-som_2458995.png)

> [Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/arnold-schwarzenegger-is-blaming-man-for-global-warming-and-today-al/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5c6/jay-leno-210_al-gore_arnold-schwarzenegger-is-blaming-man-for_3027637.png)

> [They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/they-said-these-north-korean-missiles-had-enough-range-to-hit-seattle/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d72/jay-leno-210_bills_they-said-these-north-korean-missiles-ha_613288.png)

> [A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/a-new-poll-says-that-if-the-election-were-held-today-both-john-kerry/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ccd/jay-leno-210_beats_a-new-poll-says-that-if-the-election-wer_374564.jpg)

> [The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-first-lady-said-about-her-husband-i-could-take-up-a-whole/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31b/jay-leno-210_afternoon_the-first-lady-said-about-her-husband-i_2996970.png)

> [The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low - in other…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-stock-market-was-down-today-two-major-businesses-declared/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f2/jay-leno-210_all-time_the-stock-market-was-down-today-two-majo_393388.png)

> [The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-irs-said-today-anyone-with-a-refund-coming-from-their-2001-taxes/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/399/jay-leno-210_april_the-irs-said-today-anyone-with-a-refund_2424796.jpg)

> [The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-hot-gossip-in-washington-is-that-condoleezza-rice-might-have-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5a/jay-leno-210_awkward_the-hot-gossip-in-washington-is-that-con_3119665.jpg)

> [The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-federal-government-said-today-they-ve-begun-training-sessions-for/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f4/jay-leno-210_airport-security_the-federal-government-said-today-they-v_377937.jpg)

> [The CEO of Enron, Jeffrey Skilling, married one of the Enron secretaries this week. It's amazing how romantic these Enron guys can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-ceo-of-enron-jeffrey-skilling-married-one-of-the-enron/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b4/jay-leno-210_ceo_the-ceo-of-enron-jeffrey-skilling-marrie_2582642.png)

> [Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-the-united-states-has-admitted-that-after-months-and-months-of/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d3c/jay-leno-210_bin-laden_today-the-united-states-has-admitted-tha_1326579.jpg)

> [At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/at-a-press-conference-yesterday-nasa-announced-that-2005-was-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5f/jay-leno-210_al-gore_at-a-press-conference-yesterday-nasa-ann_2221811.png)

> [Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/twenty-one-years-ago-today-saddam-hussein-was-first-elected-president/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c94/jay-leno-210_electoral-process_twenty-one-years-ago-today-saddam-hussei_842841.jpg)

> [I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-saw-something-stupid-in-the-paper-today-a-new-alarm-clock-that/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa5/jay-leno-210_alarm_i-saw-something-stupid-in-the-paper-toda_2886603.png)

> [Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/barack-obama-said-today-that-politics-has-become-too-gummed-up-by/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30f/jay-leno-210_barack_barack-obama-said-today-that-politics-ha_1450730.png)

> [Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/howard-dean-announced-today-he-will-campaign-in-seven-states-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/484/jay-leno-210_agitation_howard-dean-announced-today-he-will-camp_2597480.png)

> [A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/a-hiker-who-was-lost-in-a-blizzard-said-he-stayed-alive-by-digging-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ce/jay-leno-210_adviser_a-hiker-who-was-lost-in-a-blizzard-said_916938.png)

> [Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-is-april-1-april-fools-day-a-day-that-people-try-to-fool-their/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ef9/jay-leno-210_april_today-is-april-1-april-fools-day-a-day-t_2598038.png)

> [The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-democratic-leadership-council-has-named-senator-hillary-rodham/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d2/jay-leno-210_agendas_the-democratic-leadership-council-has-na_2961353.png)

> [Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/now-today-is-the-day-we-honor-of-course-the-presidents-ranging-from/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9e8/jay-leno-210_bills_now-today-is-the-day-we-honor-of-course_1305518.jpg)

> [The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-bush-administration-said-today-there-is-a-lot-of-support-for-us/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82a/jay-leno-210_administration_the-bush-administration-said-today-there_2272476.png)

> [It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/it-is-day-two-of-the-democratic-convention-and-apparently-they-had-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4da/jay-leno-210_bills_it-is-day-two-of-the-democratic-conventi_3156882.png)

> [The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-french-announced-today-that-they-would-not-help-us-remove-saddam/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbe/jay-leno-210_duh_the-french-announced-today-that-they-wou_861647.png)

> [John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/john-kerry-said-today-that-he-wants-to-get-rid-of-tax-cuts-for-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c2d/jay-leno-210_cutting_john-kerry-said-today-that-he-wants-to-g_1677531.png)

> [Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/schwarzenegger-said-last-night-on-the-show-he-expects-his-opponents/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/286/jay-leno-210_all-kinds_schwarzenegger-said-last-night-on-the-sh_1476288.jpg)

> [According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/according-to-usa-today-74-percent-of-americans-plan-to-hand-out-candy/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/077/jay-leno-210_candy_according-to-usa-today-74-percent-of-ame_1388430.png)

> [Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/thousands-of-dead-fish-have-now-washed-up-on-shore-along-the-coast-of/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6eb/jay-leno-210_carolina_thousands-of-dead-fish-have-now-washed-u_1737237.jpg)

> [President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-obama-had-lunch-with-republican-leaders-at-the-white-house/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88a/jay-leno-210_house_president-obama-had-lunch-with-republica_1065373.png)

> [For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/for-the-first-time-the-people-of-iraq-are-united-today-on-cnn-i-saw-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b09/jay-leno-210_big-screen_for-the-first-time-the-people-of-iraq-ar_3056592.png)

> [Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/senator-john-kerry-released-his-plan-today-to-eliminate-the-deficit/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c8/jay-leno-210_country_senator-john-kerry-released-his-plan-tod_880878.png)

> [I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-don-t-want-to-say-gray-davis-is-on-the-run-but-today-he-released-an/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cab/jay-leno-210_als_i-don-t-want-to-say-gray-davis-is-on-the_1670865.png)

> [According to today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/according-to-today-s-los-angeles-times-gray-davis-now-gets-negative/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/912/jay-leno-210_black_according-to-today-s-los-angeles-times-g_2219655.png)

> [Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-one-year-after-their-divorce-pamela-and-tommy-lee-announced/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a01/jay-leno-210_divorce_today-one-year-after-their-divorce-pamel_1823379.png)

> [A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/a-lot-of-people-are-now-criticizing-attorney-general-john-ashcroft/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d7/jay-leno-210_arrested_a-lot-of-people-are-now-criticizing-atto_2387322.png)

> [Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/rumors-have-restarted-that-the-republican-ticket-will-not-be-bush/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a5/jay-leno-210_republican_rumors-have-restarted-that-the-republica_636933.png)

> [A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/a-survey-released-today-found-that-men-spend-twice-as-much-on-their/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/97c/jay-leno-210_balance_a-survey-released-today-found-that-men-s_512992.png)

> [John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/john-kerry-and-ralph-nader-met-face-to-face-it-was-a-historic-meeting/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/jay-leno-210_astronomers_john-kerry-and-ralph-nader-met-face-to-f_135049.png)

> [John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/john-kerry-went-hunting-today-he-said-he-killed-a-goose-he-didn-t/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d3/jay-leno-210_eggs_john-kerry-went-hunting-today-he-said-he_1516058.png)

> [They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/they-say-that-most-airline-seats-on-planes-today-are-meant-for-170/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1a8/jay-leno-210_airline_they-say-that-most-airline-seats-on-plan_1847732.png)

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## More by Jay Leno

> [If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/if-you-restore-a-car-and-you-re-making-money-then-you-re-doing-it/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/bush-reiterated-his-stand-to-conservatives-opposing-his-decision-on/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/michael-jackson-has-a-new-baby-boy-no-word-yet-who-the-father-is/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/there-is-a-nationwide-shortage-of-drugs-for-attention-deficit/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/leno-said-the-rainy-weather-in-california-couldn-t-have-come-at-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/donald-trump-said-he-will-not-decide-about-a-possible-run-for-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/american-forces-in-iraq-found-650-million-in-american-cash-sealed-in/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-wanted-to-have-a-career-in-sports-when-i-was-young-but-i-had-to/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/texas-gov-rick-perry-referred-to-the-mexican-city-of-juarez-as-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/you-can-tell-you-ate-too-much-for-thanksgiving-when-you-have-to-let/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-mayans-have-predicted-the-world-is-supposed-to-end-on-december-21/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-globe-reports-that-north-korean-dictator-kim-jong-il-raises-money/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/here-is-your-government-at-work-a-congressman-from-colorado-said-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/jack-abramoff-is-going-to-testify-against-some-of-the-other-weasels/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/tomorrow-america-s-most-famous-hockey-mom-sarah-palin-will-drop-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

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                        "text": "A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace.",
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                        "text": "Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.",
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                        "text": "Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'",
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                        "text": "A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.",
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                        "text": "The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.",
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                        "text": "The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low - in other words, Bush is back on the job.",
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                        "text": "The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work that way with back taxes?",
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                        "text": "The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her.",
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                        "text": "The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name.",
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                        "text": "The CEO of Enron, Jeffrey Skilling, married one of the Enron secretaries this week. It's amazing how romantic these Enron guys can be when they realize that wives can't be forced to testify against their husbands. Skilling said today she was the best secretary Enron had ever had. She could shred 950 words a minute. ... I guess they are on their honeymoon right now. That's going pretty well. Hey, he's used to screwing Enron employees.",
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                        "text": "Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.",
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                        "text": "At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose.",
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                        "text": "Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.",
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                        "text": "I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those.. it's called a window.",
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                        "text": "Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!",
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                        "text": "Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.",
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                        "text": "Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.",
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                        "text": "The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France.",
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                        "text": "According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.",
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                        "text": "Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.",
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                        "text": "For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV.",
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