---
title: "83 Today Quotes By Jay Leno"
description: "Today quotes that highlight political updates, election chatter, and economic headlines."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/caf/jay-leno-210_phones_president-bush-called-arnold-to-congratu_500243.png"
---

> [President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-bush-called-arnold-to-congratulate-him-today-and-after-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/caf/jay-leno-210_phones_president-bush-called-arnold-to-congratu_500243.png)

> [Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-arnold-schwarzenegger-made-another-major-announcement-he-said/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcd/jay-leno-210_announcements_today-arnold-schwarzenegger-made-another_1518261.png)

> [Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-is-february-14th-st-valentine-s-day-women-call-it-love-day/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f95/jay-leno-210_cute-funny-valentine_today-is-february-14th-st-valentine-s-da_1819102.png)

> [The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-leaders-of-the-taliban-said-today-that-killing-bin-laden-won-t/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d3/jay-leno-210_bin-laden_the-leaders-of-the-taliban-said-today-th_2886774.png)

> [How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/how-many-have-seen-that-osama-bin-laden-footage-pretty-scary-in-fact/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b8/jay-leno-210_bin-laden_how-many-have-seen-that-osama-bin-laden_1555775.png)

> [I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-tried-to-log-on-to-the-obamacare-website-today-i-don-t-think-i-m/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ff/jay-leno-210_bucks_i-tried-to-log-on-to-the-obamacare-websi_2638561.png)

> [It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/it-s-cold-out-it-s-even-cold-in-florida-so-cold-today-that-katherine/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/872/jay-leno-210_cold_it-s-cold-out-it-s-even-cold-in-florida_1607525.png)

> [My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/my-stockbroker-asked-me-something-important-today-paper-or-plastic/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd4/jay-leno-210_important_my-stockbroker-asked-me-something-import_652240.png)

> [That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/that-american-taliban-kid-johnny-walker-was-indicted-today-ten-counts/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30a/jay-leno-210_kids_that-american-taliban-kid-johnny-walker_1096330.jpg)

> [You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/you-see-the-pictures-in-the-paper-today-of-john-kerry-windsurfing-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8eb/jay-leno-210_blow_you-see-the-pictures-in-the-paper-today_2375708.jpg)

> [President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-elect-barack-obama-is-starting-to-get-an-idea-of-just-how/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/938/jay-leno-210_accountability_president-elect-barack-obama-is-starting_2953903.jpg)

> [Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/pundits-are-saying-that-president-obama-is-starting-to-lose-support/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b13/jay-leno-210_carter_pundits-are-saying-that-president-obama_248908.png)

> [We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/we-are-in-a-code-orange-homeland-security-said-earlier-today-that/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/965/jay-leno-210_code_we-are-in-a-code-orange-homeland-securit_2657259.png)

> [USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/usa-today-reports-that-the-number-of-death-row-executions-this-year/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/243/jay-leno-210_attributes_usa-today-reports-that-the-number-of-dea_2594911.png)

> [Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/actually-joe-biden-looked-pretty-good-in-fact-joe-s-popularity-has/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/28f/jay-leno-210_biden_actually-joe-biden-looked-pretty-good-in_1764160.jpg)

> [Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/bush-reiterated-his-stand-to-conservatives-opposing-his-decision-on/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d70/jay-leno-210_believe_bush-reiterated-his-stand-to-conservativ_370.png)

> [In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/in-a-speech-earlier-today-president-bush-said-if-iraq-gets-rid-of/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a5/jay-leno-210_agendas_in-a-speech-earlier-today-president-bush_1177483.png)

> [U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/u-n-officials-said-today-they-desperately-need-7-billion-to-help/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38b/jay-leno-210_billions_u-n-officials-said-today-they-desperatel_1082394.jpg)

> [Services were held today for Ken Lay - convicted thief and crook Ken Lay.They folded his arms across his chest and sowed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/services-were-held-today-for-ken-lay-convicted-thief-and-crook-ken/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d5/jay-leno-210_arms_services-were-held-today-for-ken-lay-con_2640781.png)

> [The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-fbi-announced-today-that-they-are-now-looking-for-osama-bin-laden/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/91d/jay-leno-210_adviser_the-fbi-announced-today-that-they-are-no_522595.png)

> [Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/alaska-governor-sarah-palin-pardoned-a-turkey-though-she-said-she-was/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4fc/jay-leno-210_alaska_alaska-governor-sarah-palin-pardoned-a-t_1604791.png)

> [The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-obama-administration-has-admitted-that-under-obamacare-you-might/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7e5/jay-leno-210_able_the-obama-administration-has-admitted-th_1232245.png)

> [President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-obama-announced-this-week-that-he-is-going-to-start-sending/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/810/jay-leno-210_different_president-obama-announced-this-week-that_1340815.jpg)

> [The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-big-story-now-is-that-president-bush-is-coming-under-attack-for/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1eb/jay-leno-210_bigs_the-big-story-now-is-that-president-bush_67917.png)

> [Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/howard-dean-dropped-out-of-the-race-today-at-least-he-can-t-claim-his/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83f/jay-leno-210_claims_howard-dean-dropped-out-of-the-race-toda_480732.png)

> [President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-bush-has-urged-people-to-get-back-to-normal-and-today/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/036/jay-leno-210_accepting_president-bush-has-urged-people-to-get-b_1585828.png)

> [There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/there-was-another-war-related-casualty-today-the-french-were-injured/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a2/jay-leno-210_bandwagon_there-was-another-war-related-casualty-t_1529546.png)

> [Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-is-valentine-s-day-or-as-men-like-to-call-it-extortion-day/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd5/jay-leno-210_extortion_today-is-valentine-s-day-or-as-men-like_2100366.png)

> [ Today, you get better performance from a Ford Focus than a Ferrari from the mid-70s. \[The Focus\] is just as fast and… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-you-get-better-performance-from-a-ford-focus-than-a-ferrari/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6a/jay-leno-210_car_today-you-get-better-performance-from-a_2545093.png)

> [Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/oscar-nominations-came-out-today-up-for-best-actor-sean-penn-for/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea3/jay-leno-210_actors_oscar-nominations-came-out-today-up-for_196911.jpg)

> [Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/major-heat-wave-in-india-122-degrees-today-it-was-so-hot-people-in/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/846/jay-leno-210_degrees_major-heat-wave-in-india-122-degrees-tod_1504204.jpg)

> [John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/john-kerry-said-today-he-wants-to-debate-president-bush-once-a-month/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40c/jay-leno-210_debate_john-kerry-said-today-he-wants-to-debate_2975853.png)

> [Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-the-secretary-of-state-said-that-of-the-247-candidates-so-far/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77b/jay-leno-210_candidates_today-the-secretary-of-state-said-that-o_2886945.png)

> [Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/now-this-really-annoys-me-all-these-people-getting-on-the-internet/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a47/jay-leno-210_alive_now-this-really-annoys-me-all-these-peop_1755963.png)

> [Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-president-barack-obama-promised-to-detect-and-pursue-american/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/585/jay-leno-210_barack_today-president-barack-obama-promised-to_1071392.png)

> [Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/today-the-justice-department-released-e-mails-where-walker-criticized/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d5/jay-leno-210_america_today-the-justice-department-released-e_3105775.png)

> [As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/as-you-know-today-was-don-t-take-your-illegal-immigrant-to-work-day/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ad/jay-leno-210_good-ol-days_as-you-know-today-was-don-t-take-your-il_3123040.png)

> [More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We're not sure when, we're not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/more-warnings-issued-by-all-branches-of-the-government-today-that/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5fb/jay-leno-210_attack_more-warnings-issued-by-all-branches-of_2214546.jpg)

> [A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/a-dead-body-was-discovered-this-week-on-the-grounds-of-a-country/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/241/jay-leno-210_body_a-dead-body-was-discovered-this-week-on_2656496.jpg)

> [President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/president-obama-was-in-disney-world-today-where-he-unveiled-his-new/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/351/jay-leno-210_behinds_president-obama-was-in-disney-world-toda_1959218.jpg)

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## More by Jay Leno

> [If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/if-you-restore-a-car-and-you-re-making-money-then-you-re-doing-it/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/bush-reiterated-his-stand-to-conservatives-opposing-his-decision-on/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/michael-jackson-has-a-new-baby-boy-no-word-yet-who-the-father-is/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/there-is-a-nationwide-shortage-of-drugs-for-attention-deficit/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/leno-said-the-rainy-weather-in-california-couldn-t-have-come-at-a/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/donald-trump-said-he-will-not-decide-about-a-possible-run-for-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/american-forces-in-iraq-found-650-million-in-american-cash-sealed-in/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/i-wanted-to-have-a-career-in-sports-when-i-was-young-but-i-had-to/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/texas-gov-rick-perry-referred-to-the-mexican-city-of-juarez-as-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/you-can-tell-you-ate-too-much-for-thanksgiving-when-you-have-to-let/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-mayans-have-predicted-the-world-is-supposed-to-end-on-december-21/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/the-globe-reports-that-north-korean-dictator-kim-jong-il-raises-money/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/here-is-your-government-at-work-a-congressman-from-colorado-said-he/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/jack-abramoff-is-going-to-testify-against-some-of-the-other-weasels/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

> [Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jay-leno/tomorrow-america-s-most-famous-hockey-mom-sarah-palin-will-drop-the/)

[Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jay-leno/)

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                        "text": "Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.",
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                        "text": "Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.",
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                        "text": "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.",
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                        "text": "How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes.",
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                        "text": "I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.",
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                        "text": "It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.",
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                        "text": "My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?",
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                        "text": "That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that's 360 virgins.",
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                        "text": "You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.",
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                        "text": "President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.",
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                        "text": "Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.",
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                        "text": "We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?",
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                        "text": "USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning.",
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                        "text": "Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.",
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                        "text": "Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.",
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                        "text": "In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.",
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                        "text": "U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion.",
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                        "text": "Services were held today for Ken Lay - convicted thief and crook Ken Lay.They folded his arms across his chest and sowed his sleeves together so he couldn't put his hands in anyone's pockets when they walked by. You know when they say in a eulogy, \"You're all richer for having known him.\" I don't think they're going to hear that.",
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                        "text": "The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.",
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                        "text": "Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the Internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. But, see, like most Internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'",
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                        "text": "The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you 'might' be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Perhaps we could try. Can't promise anything.'",
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                        "text": "President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.",
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                        "text": "The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!",
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                        "text": "Today, you get better performance from a Ford Focus than a Ferrari from the mid-70s. [The Focus] is just as fast and with better fuel economy. It's fun to see supercar technology trickle down to everyday cars.",
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                        "text": "Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'",
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                        "text": "Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India.",
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                        "text": "John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this.",
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                        "text": "Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute.",
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                        "text": "Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.",
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                        "text": "Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in America again. See, that's the good part about hanging somebody. Their feet don't touch the ground.",
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                        "text": "As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days.",
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                        "text": "More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We're not sure when, we're not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company?",
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