---
title: "31 Time Quotes By Ree Drummond"
description: "31 Time quotes by Ree Drummond. Plus more from Ree Drummond and more Time sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a08/ree-drummond-818_grief_i-was-naked-and-alone-enduring-the-flop_732510.jpg"
---

> [“I was naked and alone, enduring the flop sweat attack of my life. It figured. It was usually the times I felt…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-was-naked-and-alone-enduring-the-flop-sweat-attack-of-my-life-it/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a08/ree-drummond-818_grief_i-was-naked-and-alone-enduring-the-flop_732510.jpg)

> [Ninety-five percent of the time when I run a contest I've purchased the giveaway prizes with advertising money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/ninety-five-percent-of-the-time-when-i-run-a-contest-i-ve-purchased/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/086/ree-drummond-818_advertising_ninety-five-percent-of-the-time-when-i-r_2361960.png)

> [“It wasn’t about me anymore. I had a child. A husband who needed me to be there for him in the midst…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/it-wasn-t-about-me-anymore-i-had-a-child-a-husband-who-needed-me-to-2/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eef/ree-drummond-818_children_it-wasn-t-about-me-anymore-i-had-a-child_1117988.png)

> [I think deerskin work gloves are the answer to everything. You can give them to someone who gardens or someone who works…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-think-deerskin-work-gloves-are-the-answer-to-everything-you-can/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e0b/ree-drummond-818_everything_i-think-deerskin-work-gloves-are-the-ans_933701.png)

> [“Next, it was time for me to tell my family, who’d started wondering what was going on. I started with my mom.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/next-it-was-time-for-me-to-tell-my-family-who-d-started-wondering/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f77/ree-drummond-818_family_next-it-was-time-for-me-to-tell-my-famil_1027956.png)

> [“At times the differences concerned me. Could I ever be with a man who’d never, in his entire life, eaten sushi? Could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/at-times-the-differences-concerned-me-could-i-ever-be-with-a-man-who/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d9/ree-drummond-818_entire-life_at-times-the-differences-concerned-me-co_57170.png)

> [“By the time we returned to the hotel room, we were laughing again. Marlboro Man was teasing me about how many clothes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/by-the-time-we-returned-to-the-hotel-room-we-were-laughing-again/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a70/ree-drummond-818_hotel-room_by-the-time-we-returned-to-the-hotel-roo_883375.jpg)

> [“Of course, no china--however intricate and inviting--was as seductive as my fiancé, my future husband, who continued to eat me alive with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/of-course-no-china-however-intricate-and-inviting-was-as-seductive-as-2/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d61/ree-drummond-818_every-night_of-course-no-china-however-intricate-and_2627698.jpg)

> [“By the time Marlboro Man walked in the door, I was stirring in the canned kidney beans and minutes away from throwing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/by-the-time-marlboro-man-walked-in-the-door-i-was-stirring-in-the/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/745/ree-drummond-818_time_by-the-time-marlboro-man-walked-in-the-d_615173.png)

> [“It was so dark outside, I forgot where I was. I had no sense of geography or time or space, not even…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/it-was-so-dark-outside-i-forgot-where-i-was-i-had-no-sense-of/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94b/ree-drummond-818_drunk_it-was-so-dark-outside-i-forgot-where-i_2958408.png)

> [“When I woke up an hour later, something had changed. Maybe it was the sleep…maybe it was the tender moment with Marlboro…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/when-i-woke-up-an-hour-later-something-had-changed-maybe-it-was-the/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3af/ree-drummond-818_aromatherapy_when-i-woke-up-an-hour-later-something-h_945246.png)

> [“If Marlboro Man was wrong, I didn’t want to be right. Where would all of this lead? At times I asked myself…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/if-marlboro-man-was-wrong-i-didn-t-want-to-be-right-where-would-all/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/56c/ree-drummond-818_hot-summer_if-marlboro-man-was-wrong-i-didn-t-want_1845372.jpg)

> [“It was time for me to go that Thursday night. We’d just watched Citizen Kane --a throwback to my Cinema 190 class…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/it-was-time-for-me-to-go-that-thursday-night-we-d-just-watched/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e2a/ree-drummond-818_citizen-kane_it-was-time-for-me-to-go-that-thursday-n_352854.jpg)

> [“I didn’t answer right away; I was too busy savoring the moment. The delicious night air, the music of mama cows in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-didn-t-answer-right-away-i-was-too-busy-savoring-the-moment-the/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/02e/ree-drummond-818_blink-of-an-eye_i-didn-t-answer-right-away-i-was-too-bus_1713270.png)

> [“I looked at him, giggled like a schoolgirl, and asked, “What have you been doing all this time?” “Oh, I was headed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-looked-at-him-giggled-like-a-schoolgirl-and-asked-what-have-you/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d8/ree-drummond-818_playing-dumb_i-looked-at-him-giggled-like-a-schoolgir_2310241.png)

> [“As for me, I went inside, walked up to my bedroom, and fell on the floor. What…just happened? Staring at the ceiling,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/as-for-me-i-went-inside-walked-up-to-my-bedroom-and-fell-on-the-floor/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e2/ree-drummond-818_children_as-for-me-i-went-inside-walked-up-to-my_642091.png)

> [“We ate dinner and talked, and I sipped chilled wine slowly, savoring every single swallow, even as I savored every single moment…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/we-ate-dinner-and-talked-and-i-sipped-chilled-wine-slowly-savoring/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb4/ree-drummond-818_control-myself_we-ate-dinner-and-talked-and-i-sipped-ch_728068.jpg)

> [“What is it?” I asked, pasting a magazine photo of a football--found in an old Seventeen magazine spread--on my beloved’s collage. “Well,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/what-is-it-i-asked-pasting-a-magazine-photo-of-a-football-found-in-an/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/255/ree-drummond-818_getting-married_what-is-it-i-asked-pasting-a-magazine-ph_47041.jpg)

> [“He walked me to the door--the same one to which I’d been escorted many times before by pimply high school boys and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/he-walked-me-to-the-door-the-same-one-to-which-i-d-been-escorted-many/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcc/ree-drummond-818_high-school_he-walked-me-to-the-door-the-same-one-to_3031334.png)

> [“Hey…you okay?” Marlboro Man repeated. My heart fluttered in horror. I wanted to jump out of the bathroom window, scale down the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/hey-you-okay-marlboro-man-repeated-my-heart-fluttered-in-horror-i/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d99/ree-drummond-818_falling_hey-you-okay-marlboro-man-repeated-my-he_1647188.jpg)

> [“Of course, no china--however intricate and inviting--was as seductive as my fiancé, my future husband, who continued to eat me alive with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/of-course-no-china-however-intricate-and-inviting-was-as-seductive-as/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/413/ree-drummond-818_big-city_of-course-no-china-however-intricate-and_1885429.jpg)

> [“After dinner, as we had so many times during our months and months together, Marlboro Man and I adjourned to his porch.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/after-dinner-as-we-had-so-many-times-during-our-months-and-months/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/832/ree-drummond-818_country-life_after-dinner-as-we-had-so-many-times-dur_2102589.jpg)

> [“That’s when my savior called. He called as he always did after we’d spent a day or evening together. He called to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/that-s-when-my-savior-called-he-called-as-he-always-did-after-we-d/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/baf/ree-drummond-818_savior_that-s-when-my-savior-called-he-called-a_831603.png)

> [“We went to a movie, Marlboro Man and me, longing for the quiet time in the dark. We couldn’t find it anywhere…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/we-went-to-a-movie-marlboro-man-and-me-longing-for-the-quiet-time-in/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b13/ree-drummond-818_couples_we-went-to-a-movie-marlboro-man-and-me-l_2176991.jpg)

> [“The week of a girl’s wedding was supposed to be a happy time. I should have been leaping gleefully around my parents’…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/the-week-of-a-girl-s-wedding-was-supposed-to-be-a-happy-time-i-should/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6bb/ree-drummond-818_marriage_the-week-of-a-girl-s-wedding-was-suppose_1269297.jpg)

> [“Unintentionally, each time a new cow would pass through the chute, I’d instinctively bear down. I was just as pregnant as many…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/unintentionally-each-time-a-new-cow-would-pass-through-the-chute-i-d/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c8c/ree-drummond-818_god-help_unintentionally-each-time-a-new-cow-woul_1775644.jpg)

> [“Next, it was time to tell my brother Mike. “Hey, Mike!” I announced. “Guess what?” “Wh-wh-wh-what?” he asked. “I’m staying here! I’m…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/next-it-was-time-to-tell-my-brother-mike-hey-mike-i-announced-guess/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ae/ree-drummond-818_brother_next-it-was-time-to-tell-my-brother-mike_2318440.jpg)

> [“It wasn’t about me anymore. I had a child. A husband who needed me to be there for him in the midst…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/it-wasn-t-about-me-anymore-i-had-a-child-a-husband-who-needed-me-to/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/17e/ree-drummond-818_children_it-wasn-t-about-me-anymore-i-had-a-child_501010.png)

> [“Soon it was time for us to leave; the clock had struck midnight, and we had miles to go before we slept.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/soon-it-was-time-for-us-to-leave-the-clock-had-struck-midnight-and-we/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8bd/ree-drummond-818_big-city_soon-it-was-time-for-us-to-leave-the-clo_1571696.png)

> [“I’ll send the nurse in here in a minute, okay?” Waste of time , I thought. “Okay, but…do you think there’s anything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-ll-send-the-nurse-in-here-in-a-minute-okay-waste-of-time-i-thought/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdb/ree-drummond-818_medicine_i-ll-send-the-nurse-in-here-in-a-minute_91278.png)

> [“When I exited the bathroom this time, Marlboro Man was standing right outside the door--just as he’d been at his grandmother’s house…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/when-i-exited-the-bathroom-this-time-marlboro-man-was-standing-right/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f9/ree-drummond-818_first-time_when-i-exited-the-bathroom-this-time-mar_889080.jpg)

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## More by Ree Drummond

> [“What else haven’t you told me?” I thought for a minute. “Actually, yes…there is,” I replied, pausing to consider my words carefully, “I eat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/what-else-haven-t-you-told-me-i-thought-for-a-minute-actually-yes/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [Butter, cream, and bacon. That's such a great foundation right there.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/butter-cream-and-bacon-that-s-such-a-great-foundation-right-there/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“More and more, I began helping around the homestead. I learned to operate my John Deere mower so I could keep the yard around…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/more-and-more-i-began-helping-around-the-homestead-i-learned-to/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“I walked proudly out of the church, the new wife of Marlboro Man. When we exited the same doors through which my dad and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-walked-proudly-out-of-the-church-the-new-wife-of-marlboro-man-when/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“When we arrived at the wedding at Marlboro Man’s grandparents’ house, I gasped. People were absolutely everywhere: scurrying and mingling and sipping champagne and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/when-we-arrived-at-the-wedding-at-marlboro-man-s-grandparents-house-i/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“What is it?” I asked, pasting a magazine photo of a football--found in an old Seventeen magazine spread--on my beloved’s collage. “Well, a bunch…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/what-is-it-i-asked-pasting-a-magazine-photo-of-a-football-found-in-an/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“When I arrived, I immediately saw the mother of an ex-boyfriend, the kind of ex-boyfriend that would make you want to look as good…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/when-i-arrived-i-immediately-saw-the-mother-of-an-ex-boyfriend-the/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“At times the differences concerned me. Could I ever be with a man who’d never, in his entire life, eaten sushi? Could I, a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/at-times-the-differences-concerned-me-could-i-ever-be-with-a-man-who/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“You did not do my homework assignment for me,” he said, grabbing the collage again and looking it over. “I had insomnia,” I said.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/you-did-not-do-my-homework-assignment-for-me-he-said-grabbing-the/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“I couldn’t bear the thought of a ham sandwich. Imagining milk trickling down my esophagus almost sent me over the edge. Even the saltines…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-couldn-t-bear-the-thought-of-a-ham-sandwich-imagining-milk/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“Marlboro Man picked me up the next evening, exactly one month before our wedding day. Our evening apart had made the heart grow fonder,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/marlboro-man-picked-me-up-the-next-evening-exactly-one-month-before/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“I’ll send the nurse in here in a minute, okay?” Waste of time , I thought. “Okay, but…do you think there’s anything we can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-ll-send-the-nurse-in-here-in-a-minute-okay-waste-of-time-i-thought/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“How come I wasn’t riding around in his middle seat? Was I supposed to initiate this? Was this expected of me? Because I probably…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/how-come-i-wasn-t-riding-around-in-his-middle-seat-was-i-supposed-to/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“I’ll see you in the morning. Oh, and hey…if I don’t answer the door right away it probably means I’m doing some weight training…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/i-ll-see-you-in-the-morning-oh-and-hey-if-i-don-t-answer-the-door/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

> [“Minutes later, we were back at the sliding glass door that led inside the house--me, leaning against the glass, Marlboro Man anchoring me there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ree-drummond/minutes-later-we-were-back-at-the-sliding-glass-door-that-led-inside/)

[Ree Drummond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ree-drummond/)

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                        "text": "“I was naked and alone, enduring the flop sweat attack of my life. It figured. It was usually the times I felt and looked my absolute best when I wound up being humbled in some colossally bizarre way.”",
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                        "text": "Ninety-five percent of the time when I run a contest I've purchased the giveaway prizes with advertising money.",
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                        "text": "“It wasn’t about me anymore. I had a child. A husband who needed me to be there for him in the midst of what was turning out to be a terrible time to be making a living in agriculture. I didn’t have time to get mired in the angst of my own circumstances anymore. I didn’t have time for the past. My family--my new family--was all that mattered to me. My child. And always and forever, Marlboro Man.”",
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                        "text": "I think deerskin work gloves are the answer to everything. You can give them to someone who gardens or someone who works outside. And you can give them to someone who grills; they're great for grilling. I wear them all the time, 24/7.",
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                        "text": "“Next, it was time for me to tell my family, who’d started wondering what was going on. I started with my mom. “I might go sometime later,” I told her. “But I ain’t going now.” “ Ain’t isn’t a word, honey,” my mom said, mildly concerned. “I know, Mom,” I replied. “It was for effect.” “Oh, good,” she said, wiping the sweat from her freshly plucked brow. Then, smiling, she said, “I really do like his starched shirts…you know?” “Oh, yes,” I said, my eyes closing dreamily. “I know.” I told my dad next. “Dad, I’ve decided not to go to Chicago right now,” I said. “I’m sort of in love with that cowboy I told you about.” “Oh, yeah?” he asked. “Yeah,” I answered. He paused for a minute, then asked, “Does J know?” I spent the next fourteen hours filling him in.”",
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                        "text": "“At times the differences concerned me. Could I ever be with a man who’d never, in his entire life, eaten sushi? Could I, a former vegetarian, conceivably spend the rest of my life with a man who ate red meat at every meal? I’d never thought about it before. And, most concerning, could I ever--in a million years--live so far out in the country that I’d have to traverse five miles of gravel road to reach my house? The Magic 8-Ball in my head revealed its answer: OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.”",
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                        "text": "“By the time we returned to the hotel room, we were laughing again. Marlboro Man was teasing me about how many clothes I’d brought on the honeymoon, and I’d punched him in the arm; he, in turn, had trapped me in the corner of the elevator and tickled me, and I’d threatened to wet my pants if he didn’t stop. And I wasn’t kidding; I’d had a glass of wine at dinner, as well as two Diet Cokes. Tickling me in an elevator wouldn’t be a good idea for very long.”",
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                        "text": "“Of course, no china--however intricate and inviting--was as seductive as my fiancé, my future husband, who continued to eat me alive with one glance from his icy-blue eyes. Who greeted me not at the door of his house when I arrived almost every night of the week, but at my car. Who welcomed me not with a pat on the arm or even a hug but with an all-enveloping, all-encompassing embrace. Whose good-night kisses began the moment I arrived, not hours later when it was time to go home.”",
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                        "text": "“By the time Marlboro Man walked in the door, I was stirring in the canned kidney beans and minutes away from throwing up. “Mmmm…smells good,” he said. He walked over to the stove and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his palms on my belly. “How are you, Mama?” he asked. Butterflies went crazy in my stomach. He did it for me, even when cumin was making me sick. “I’m better today,” I said, focusing on my physical condition. “How are you?” “I’m good,” he said. “I’m worried about you, though.” His hands caressed my ribs, my arms, my sides. He touched me all the time; physical indifference was never a problem with Marlboro Man.”",
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                        "text": "“It was so dark outside, I forgot where I was. I had no sense of geography or time or space, not even when he took my face in his hands and touched his forehead to mine, closing his eyes, as if to savor the powerful moment. “I love you,” he whispered as I died right there on the spot. It wasn’t convenient, my dying the night before my wedding. I didn’t know how my mom was going to explain it to the florist. But she’d have to; I was totally done for. I’d had half a glass of wine all evening but felt completely inebriated. When I finally arrived home, I had no idea how I’d gotten there. I was intoxicated--drunk on a cowboy. A cowboy who, in less than twenty-four hours, would become my husband.”",
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                        "text": "“When I woke up an hour later, something had changed. Maybe it was the sleep…maybe it was the tender moment with Marlboro Man…maybe it was my sister’s tough-love pep talk, or a combination of the three. I got out of bed quietly and made my way to the shower, where I washed and scrubbed and polished my body with every single bath product I could find. By the time I turned off the water, the bathroom smelled like lemongrass and lavender, wisteria and watermelon. The aromatherapy worked; while I didn’t exactly feel beautiful again, I felt less like Jabba the Hut.”",
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                        "text": "“If Marlboro Man was wrong, I didn’t want to be right. Where would all of this lead? At times I asked myself and wondered. Despite having put my plans for Chicago on hold, despite my knowledge that trying to go one day without seeing Marlboro Man was futile, despite how desperately in love I knew I was, I still at times thought this might all just be a temporary glitch in my plans, a wild hair I needed to work out of my system before getting on with the rest of my life. Like I was at Romance Camp for a long, hot summer, playing the part of the cowgirl. The time was drawing near, however, when Marlboro Man would take the bull by the horns and answer that question for me, once and for all.”",
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                        "text": "“It was time for me to go that Thursday night. We’d just watched Citizen Kane --a throwback to my Cinema 190 class at USC--and it was late. And though a soft, cozy bed in one of the guest rooms sounded much more appealing than driving all the way home, I’d never really wanted to get into the habit of sleeping over at Marlboro Man’s house. It was the Pretend-I’m-a-Proper-Country-Club-Girl in me, mixed with a healthy dose of fear that Marlboro Man’s mother or grandmother would drop by early in the morning to bring Marlboro Man some warm muffins or some such thing and see my car parked in the driveway. Or even worse, come inside the house, and then I’d have to wrestle with whether or not to volunteer that “ I slept in a guest room! I slept in a guest room! ”, which only would have made me look more guilty. Who needs that? I’d told myself, and vowed never to put myself in that predicament.”",
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                        "text": "“I didn’t answer right away; I was too busy savoring the moment. The delicious night air, the music of mama cows in a distant pasture, the trillions of stars overhead, the feeling of his fingers entwined in mine. The night couldn’t have gone any more perfectly. I’m not sure anything, even going home with him, could possibly make it any better. I started to open my mouth, but Marlboro Man beat me to it. Standing up and lifting me off the tailgate of his pickup, he carried me, Rhett Butler-style, toward the passenger door. Setting me down and opening my door, he said, “On second thought…I think I’d better take you home.” I smiled, convinced he must have read my mind. Whether he had or not, the fact was that instantly and noticeably the whole vibe between us had changed. Before I’d dumped my Chicago apartment and told him my plans to stay, the passion between us had sometimes felt urgent, rushed, almost as if some imaginary force was compelling us to get it all out right here, right now, because before too long we wouldn’t have the chance. There’d been a quiet desperation in our romance up until that point, feelings of excitement and lust mixed with an uncomfortable hint of doom and dread. But now that my move had all but been eliminated from the equation, the doom and dread had been replaced with a beautiful sense of comfort. In the blink of an eye, Marlboro Man and I, while madly and insanely in love, were no longer in any hurry. “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “I agree.” Man, did I ever have a way with words.”",
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                        "text": "“I looked at him, giggled like a schoolgirl, and asked, “What have you been doing all this time?” “Oh, I was headed home,” he said, fiddling with my fingers. “But then I just turned around; I couldn’t help it.” His hand found my upper back and pulled me closer. The windows were getting foggy. I felt like I was seventeen. “I’ve got this problem,” he continued, in between kisses. “Yeah?” I asked, playing dumb. My hand rested on his left bicep. My attraction soared to the heavens. He caressed the back of my head, messing up my hair…but I didn’t care; I had other things on my mind. “I’m crazy about you,” he said. By now I was on his lap, right in the front seat of his Diesel Ford F250, making out with him as if I’d just discovered the concept. I had no idea how I’d gotten there--the diesel pickup or his lap. But I was there. And, burying my face in his neck, I quietly repeated his sentiments. “I’m crazy about you, too.”",
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                        "text": "“As for me, I went inside, walked up to my bedroom, and fell on the floor. What…just happened? Staring at the ceiling, I tried to take it all in. My mind began to race, trying to figure out what it all meant. Do I need to learn how to whittle? Cook fried chicken? Ride a horse? Use a scythe? My face began to feel flushed. And children? Oh, Lord. That means we might have children! What will we name them? Travis and Dolly? Oh my gosh. I have children in my future. I could see it plainly in front of me. They’ll be little redheaded children with green eyes just like mine, and they’ll have lots of freckles, too. I’ll have ten of them, maybe eleven. I’ll have to squat in the garden and give birth while picking my okra. Every stereotype of domestic country life came rushing to the surface. A lot of them involved bearing children. Then my whole body relaxed in a mushy, contended heap as I remembered all the times I’d walked back into that very room after being with Marlboro Man, my cowboy, my savior. I remembered all the times I’d fallen onto my bed in a fizzy state of euphoria, sighing and smelling my shirt to try to get one last whiff. All the times I’d picked up the phone early in the morning and heard his sexy voice on the other end. All the times I’d longed to see him again, two minutes after he’d dropped me off. This was right, this was oh, so right. If I couldn’t go a day without seeing him, I certainly couldn’t go a lifetime…”",
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                        "text": "“We ate dinner and talked, and I sipped chilled wine slowly, savoring every single swallow, even as I savored every single moment with the man sitting next to me. I loved looking at him when he talked, loved the movement of his mouth. He has the best mouth , I’d think to myself. His mouth drove me absolutely wild. We wound up on his couch, watching a submarine movie and making out, with the chorus of “The Navy Hymn” in the background. And just like that, it happened: the executive officer had just relieved the captain of command of the ship. It was a tense, exciting moment in the movie, and I was suddenly so overcome with emotion, I couldn’t control myself. My head rested on his shoulder, my heart rested entirely in his hands. And in a whisper, my words escaped: “I love you.” He probably hadn’t heard them. He was too focused on the movie. But he had heard me; I could tell. His arms enveloped me even further; his embrace tightened. He breathed in and sighed, and his hand played with my hair. “Good,” he said softly, and his gentle lips found mine.”",
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                        "text": "“What is it?” I asked, pasting a magazine photo of a football--found in an old Seventeen magazine spread--on my beloved’s collage. “Well, a bunch of cattle trucks just showed up,” he said, trying to talk over the symphonic mooing of cows all around him. “They were supposed to get here tomorrow night, but they showed up early…” “Oh, no…that’s a bummer,” I said, not quite sure what he was getting at. “So now I’ve got to work all these cattle tonight and get ’em shipped…and by the time I get done, the store in town will be closed,” he began. Our appointment with Father Johnson was at ten the next morning. “So I think I’m just going to have to come over there really early tomorrow morning and do the thing at your house,” Marlboro Man said. I could hardly hear him through the cattle. “Are you sure?” I asked. “What time were you thinking of coming over?” I braced myself for the worst. “I was thinking around six or so,” he said. “That would give me plenty of time to get it done before we go.” Six? In the morning? Ugh , I thought. I have only one more week of sleeping in. After we’re married, there’s no telling what time I’ll have to get out of bed. “Okay,” I said, my voice dripping with trepidation. “I’ll see you in the morning. Oh, and hey…if I don’t answer the door right away it probably means I’m doing some weight training or something.” “Gotcha,” Marlboro Man answered, humoring me. “And hey--don’t pull any muscles or strain yourself. We’re getting married in less than a week.” My stomach fluttered as I hung up the phone and resumed work on my collage.”",
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                        "text": "“He walked me to the door--the same one to which I’d been escorted many times before by pimply high school boys and a few miscellaneous suitors along the way. But this time was different. Bigger. I felt it. I wondered for a moment if he felt it, too. That’s when the spike heel of my boot caught itself on a small patch of crumbling mortar on my parents’ redbrick sidewalk. In an instant, I saw my life and any ounce of pride remaining in my soul pass before my eyes as my body lurched forward. I was going to bite it for sure--and right in front of the Marlboro Man. I was an idiot, I told myself, a dork, a klutz of the highest order. I wanted desperately to snap my fingers and magically wind up in Chicago, where I belonged, but my hands were too busy darting in front of my torso, hoping to brace my body from the fall. But someone caught me. Was it an angel? In a way. It was Marlboro Man, whose tough upbringing on a working cattle ranch had produced the quick reflexes necessary to save me, his uncoordinated date, from certain wipeout. Once the danger was over, I laughed from nervous embarrassment. Marlboro Man chuckled gently. He was still holding my arms, in the same strong cowboy grip he’d used to rescue me moments earlier. Where were my knees? They were no longer part of my anatomy. I looked at Marlboro Man. He wasn’t chuckling anymore. He was standing right in front of me…and he was still holding my arms.”",
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                        "text": "“Hey…you okay?” Marlboro Man repeated. My heart fluttered in horror. I wanted to jump out of the bathroom window, scale down the trellis, and hightail it out of there, forgetting I’d ever met any of these people. Only there wasn’t a trellis. And outside the window, down below, were 150 wedding guests. And I was sweating enough for all of them combined. I was naked and alone, enduring the flop sweat attack of my life. It figured. It was usually the times I felt and looked my absolute best when I wound up being humbled in some colossally bizarre way. There was the time I traveled to my godmother’s son’s senior prom in a distant city and partied for an hour before realizing the back of my dress was stuck inside my panty hose. And the time I entered the after-party for my final Nutcracker performance and tripped on a rug, falling on one of the guest performers and knocking an older lady’s wineglass out of her frail arms. You’d think I would have come to expect this kind of humiliation on occasions when it seemed like everything should be going my way.”",
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                        "text": "“Of course, no china--however intricate and inviting--was as seductive as my fiancé, my future husband, who continued to eat me alive with one glance from his icy-blue eyes. Who greeted me not at the door of his house when I arrived almost every night of the week, but at my car. Who welcomed me not with a pat on the arm or even a hug but with an all-enveloping, all-encompassing embrace. Whose good-night kisses began the moment I arrived, not hours later when it was time to go home. We were already playing house, what with my almost daily trips to the ranch and our five o’clock suppers and our lazy movie nights on his thirty-year-old leather couch, the same one his parents had bought when they were a newly married couple. We’d already watched enough movies together to last a lifetime. Giant with James Dean, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Reservoir Dogs, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, The Graduate, All Quiet on the Western Front, and, more than a handful of times, Gone With the Wind. I was continually surprised by the assortment of movies Marlboro Man loved to watch--his taste was surprisingly eclectic--and I loved discovering more and more about him through the VHS collection in his living room. He actually owned The Philadelphia Story . With Marlboro Man, surprises lurked around every corner. We were already a married couple--well, except for the whole “sleepover thing” and the fact that we hadn’t actually gotten hitched yet. We stayed in, like any married couple over the age of sixty, and continued to get to know everything about each other completely outside the realm of parties, dates, and gatherings. All of that was way too far away, anyway--a minimum hour-and-a-half drive to the nearest big city--and besides that, Marlboro Man was a fish out of water in a busy, crowded bar. As for me, I’d been there, done that--a thousand and one times. Going out and panting the town red was unnecessary and completely out of context for the kind of life we’d be building together. This was what we brought each other, I realized. He showed me a slower pace, and permission to be comfortable in the absence of exciting plans on the horizon. I gave him, I realized, something different. Different from the girls he’d dated before--girls who actually knew a thing or two about country life. Different from his mom, who’d also grown up on a ranch. Different from all of his female cousins, who knew how to saddle and ride and who were born with their boots on. As the youngest son in a family of three boys, maybe he looked forward to experiencing life with someone who’d see the country with fresh eyes. Someone who’d appreciate how miraculously countercultural, how strange and set apart it all really is. Someone who couldn’t ride to save her life. Who didn’t know north from south, or east from west. If that defined his criteria for a life partner, I was definitely the woman for the job.”",
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                        "text": "“After dinner, as we had so many times during our months and months together, Marlboro Man and I adjourned to his porch. It was dark--we’d eaten late--and despite my silent five-minute battle with the reality of my reproductive system, there was definitely something special about the night. I stood at the railing, breathing in the dewy night air and taking in all the sounds of the countryside that would one day be my home. The pumping of a distant oil well, the symphony of crickets, the occasional moo of a mama cow, the manic yipping of coyotes…the din of country life was as present and reassuring as the cacophony of car horns, traffic sounds, and sirens had been in L.A. I loved everything about it. He appeared behind me; his strong arms wrapped around my waist. Oh, it was real, all right--he was real. As I touched his forearms and ran the palms of my hands from his elbows down to his wrists, I’d never been more sure of how very real he was. Here, grasping me in his arms, was the Adonis of all the romance-novel fantasies I clearly never realized I’d been having; they’d been playing themselves out in steamy detail under the surface of my consciousness, and I never even knew I’d been missing it. I closed my eyes and rested my head back on his chest, just as his impossibly soft lips and subtle whiskers rested on my neck. Romancewise, it was perfection--the night air was still--almost imperceptible. Physically, viscerally, it was almost more than I could stand. Six babies? Sure. How ’bout seven? Is that enough? Standing there that night, I would have said eight, nine, ten. And I could have gotten started right away. But getting started would have to wait. There’d be plenty of time for that. For that night, that dark, perfect night, we simply stayed on the porch and locked ourselves in kiss after beautiful, steamy kiss. And before too long, it was impossible to tell where his arms ended and where my body began.”",
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                        "text": "“That’s when my savior called. He called as he always did after we’d spent a day or evening together. He called to say good night…I had a good time today…what are you doing tomorrow…I love you. His calls were a panacea; they instantly lifted me, reassured me, healed me, made everything whole again. This call was no different. “Hey, you,” he said, his voice reaching new heights of sexiness. “Hey,” I said, quietly sighing. “What are you doing?” he asked. “Sitting here,” I answered, hearing the muffled voices of my parents through my upstairs bedroom floor. “And thinking…” “What about?” he said. “Oh, I was thinking…,” I began, hesitating for a moment. “That I think I want to elope.” Marlboro Man laughed at first. But when he realized I wasn’t laughing, too, he stopped, and we both sat in silence.”",
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                        "text": "“We went to a movie, Marlboro Man and me, longing for the quiet time in the dark. We couldn’t find it anywhere else--my parents’ house was bustling with people and plans and presents, and Marlboro Man had some visiting cousins staying with him on the ranch. A dim movie theater was our only haven, and we took full advantage of being only one of two couples in the entire place. We reverted back to adolescence, unashamed, cuddling closer and closer as the movie picked up steam. I took it even further, draping my leg over his and resting my hand on his tan bicep. Marlboro Man’s arm reached across my waist as the temperature rose between us. Two days before our wedding, we were making out in a dark, hazy movie theater. It was one of the most romantic moments of my life.”",
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                        "text": "“The week of a girl’s wedding was supposed to be a happy time. I should have been leaping gleefully around my parents’ house, using a glitter-infused feather duster to sparkle up my wedding gifts, which adorned every flat surface in the house. I should have been eating melon balls and laughing in the kitchen with my mom and sister about how it’s almost here! Don’t you love this Waterford vase? Oooh, the cake is going to be soooooo pretty. Instead, I was in my bathroom holding my face at gunpoint, forcing it to exfoliate on command.”",
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                        "text": "“Unintentionally, each time a new cow would pass through the chute, I’d instinctively bear down. I was just as pregnant as many of the cows. My nether regions were uncomfortable enough as it was. The thought of someone inserting their… It was more than I probably should have signed up for that morning. “ God help me! ” I yelped as Marlboro Man and I pulled away from the working area after the last cow was tested. “What in the name of all that is holy did I just witness?” “How’d you like that?” Marlboro Man asked, smiling a satisfied smile. He loved introducing me to new ranching activities. The more shocking I found them, the better. “Seriously,” I mumbled, grasping my enormous belly as if to protect my baby from the reality of this bizarre, disturbing world. “That was just…that was like nothing I’ve ever seen before!” It made the rectal thermometer episode I’d endured many months earlier seem like a garden party. Marlboro Man laughed and rested his hand on my knee. It stayed there the rest of the drive home.”",
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                        "text": "“Next, it was time to tell my brother Mike. “Hey, Mike!” I announced. “Guess what?” “Wh-wh-wh-what?” he asked. “I’m staying here! I’m not moving away!” I said. “Aren’t you excited?” Mike thought for a minute, then asked, “C-c-c-can you drive me to duh fire station now?” Finally I broke the news to my oldest brother. A resident of Chicago himself, he’d been looking forward to having a sister nearby. “Have you lost your f*&%#ing mind ?” he said. He’d never been one to mince words. “Yes,” I conceded, attempting to defuse him. “I do believe I have.” “What the hell are you going to do back home ? You’ll shrivel up and die there, it’s so backward!” To my commodity-trading, world-traveling brother, any city with a population under three million was backward. “What’s the story with this guy, anyway?” “Oh, you don’t know him,” I said. “We’ve only been going out about a month or so.” My brother’s practical side came out swinging. “You’ve only known him for a month ? What the hell does he do?” “Well,” I began, bracing myself. “He’s…a cowboy.” “Oh, Christ.” My brother exhaled loudly.”",
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                        "text": "“It wasn’t about me anymore. I had a child. A husband who needed me to be there for him in the midst of what was turning out to be a terrible time to be making a living in agriculture. I didn’t have time to get mired in the angst of my own circumstances anymore. I didn’t have time for the past. My family--my new family--was all that mattered to me. My child. And always and forever, Marlboro Man. And then he appeared--walking down the basement steps in his Wranglers and rain-drenched boots. He stepped into the basement, a warm, gentle smile on his face. It was Marlboro Man. He was there. “Hey, Mama…,” he called. “It’s all fine.” The storm had passed us by, the funnel cloud dissipating before it could do any damage. “Hey, Daddy,” I answered. It was the first time I’d ever called him that. Looking on the ground at the water bottles and granola bars, he asked, “What’s all this for?” I shrugged. “I wasn’t sure how long I’d be down here.” He laughed. “You’re funny,” he said as he scooped our sleeping baby from my arms and threw the blanket over his shoulder. “Let’s go eat. I’m hungry.” We walked across the yard to our cozy little white house, where we ate pot roast with mashed potatoes and watched The Big Country with Gregory Peck…and spent the night listening to a blessed September thunderstorm send rain falling from the sky.”",
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                        "text": "“Soon it was time for us to leave; the clock had struck midnight, and we had miles to go before we slept. After throwing my bouquet and saying good-byes, Marlboro Man and I ran through the doors of the club and climbed into the back of a smoky black limousine--the vehicle that would take us to the big city miles away, where we’d stay before flying to Australia the next day. As we pulled away from the waving, birdseed-throwing crowd at the front door of the club, we immediately settled into each other’s arms, melting into a puddle of white silk and black boots and sleepy, unbridled romance. It was all so new. New dress…new love…a new country--Australia--that neither of us had ever seen. A new life together. A new life for me. New crystal, silver, china. A newly renovated, tiny cowboy house that would be our little house on the prairie when we returned from our honeymoon. A new husband. My husband. I wanted to repeat it over and over again, wanted to shout it to the heavens. But I couldn’t speak. I was busy. Passion had taken over--a beast had been unleashed. Sleep deprived and exhausted from the celebration of the previous week, once inside the sanctity of the limousine, we were utterly powerless to stop it…and we let it fly. It was this same passion that had gotten us through the early stages of our relationship, and, ultimately, through the choice to wave good-bye to any life I’d ever imagined for myself. To become a part of Marlboro Man’s life instead. It was this same passion that assured me that everything was exactly as it should be. It was the passion that made it all make sense.”",
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                        "text": "“I’ll send the nurse in here in a minute, okay?” Waste of time , I thought. “Okay, but…do you think there’s anything we can do about my ears?” I really didn’t want to feel this way anymore. “Marcy will be in here in just a second,” he repeated. He wasn’t acknowledging my self-diagnosis at all. What kind of doctor is this? Marcy soon entered the room with a plastic cup with a bright green lid--the perfect reflection of my skin tone. “Do you think you can give us a urine sample, hon?” she asked. I can give you a vomit sample , I thought. “Sure,” I said, taking the cup and following Marcy to the restroom like a good little patient. And don’t call me hon , I thought. I was cranky. I needed something to eat, and I felt like bursting into tears. A minute later, I exited the bathroom and handed Marcy the sample cup, which I’d wiped clean with a paper towel. “Okay, hon,” she said. “You can just head back to the room and I’ll be back in a sec.” Stop calling me hon. ”",
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                        "text": "“When I exited the bathroom this time, Marlboro Man was standing right outside the door--just as he’d been at his grandmother’s house when I’d had my flop sweat episode at his cousin’s wedding. He put his arm around me as I dabbed the corners of my eyes with a Kleenex. The gagging had sent my tear ducts into overdrive. “What’s wrong, honey?” It was the first time he’d called me that. I felt married. “I have no idea!” I said. “I must have picked up a stomach bug or something. I’m so sorry!” “It’s okay--we can just head back to the hotel.” “No! I want you to eat…” “I’m fine--I just ate a whole basket of bread and had two Cokes. I’m good to go.” The nausea hit again, and I ran back into the bathroom. After vomiting again, I decided to take him up on his offer. Exiting the cab back at the hotel, I found walking to be difficult. I hadn’t ingested a single drop of liquor, but I suddenly couldn’t walk in a straight line. Grabbing Marlboro Man’s arm, I used him to steady myself until we got to the room, where I immediately fell on the bed and wrapped myself in the comforter. “I feel so sorry for you,” Marlboro Man said, sitting down on the bed beside me and gently playing with my hair, a gesture that proved to be too much for me. “Could you please not do that?” I said. “The motion kinda makes me sick.” I was a complete and utter mess. I was a nauseated loser. It was Marlboro Man who deserved the sympathy.”",
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