---
title: "22 Thinking Quotes By Steven Wright"
description: "22 Thinking quotes by Steven Wright. Plus more from Steven Wright and more Thinking sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/760/steven-wright-432_funny_i-can-t-stop-thinking-like-this-2147401_2147401.jpg"
---

> [I can't stop thinking like this.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-can-t-stop-thinking-like-this/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/760/steven-wright-432_funny_i-can-t-stop-thinking-like-this-2147401_2147401.jpg)

> [I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-feel-lucky-that-i-can-have-people-laugh-solidly-for-a-whole-hour-by/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b5e/steven-wright-432_comedy_i-feel-lucky-that-i-can-have-people-laug_2721295.jpg)

> [I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-watched-the-indy-500-and-i-was-thinking-that-if-they-left-earlier/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab4/steven-wright-432_earlier_i-watched-the-indy-500-and-i-was-thinkin_2916432.jpg)

> [You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/you-know-the-new-testament-is-pretty-old-i-think-they-should-call/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dfe/steven-wright-432_new-testament_you-know-the-new-testament-is-pretty-old_2628688.jpg)

> [I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-kept-a-diary-right-after-i-was-born-day-1-tired-from-the-move-day-2/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/310/steven-wright-432_birthday_i-kept-a-diary-right-after-i-was-born-da_1270505.jpg)

> [I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-thinking-that-women-should-put-pictures-of-missing-husbands-on/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/368/steven-wright-432_beer_i-was-thinking-that-women-should-put-pic_1788376.jpg)

> [I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-don-t-get-up-get-dressed-go-out-and-think-okay-i-gotta-find-eight/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/83e/steven-wright-432_comedy_i-don-t-get-up-get-dressed-go-out-and-th_3204332.jpg)

> [I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-need-one-of-those-baby-monitors-from-my-subconscious-to-my/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bae/steven-wright-432_baby_i-need-one-of-those-baby-monitors-from-m_2607390.jpg)

> [People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/people-may-think-i-m-trying-something-new-by-telling-stories-but-they/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cbb/steven-wright-432_connected_people-may-think-i-m-trying-something-ne_1774731.jpg)

> [You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/you-know-how-it-is-when-you-re-walking-up-the-stairs-and-you-get-to/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/98c/steven-wright-432_stairs_you-know-how-it-is-when-you-re-walking-u_2403993.jpg)

> [You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/you-know-how-it-is-when-you-go-to-be-the-subject-of-a-psychology/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/702/steven-wright-432_experiments_you-know-how-it-is-when-you-go-to-be-the_2898366.jpg)

> [People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/people-think-my-friend-george-is-weird-because-he-wears-sideburns/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b3/steven-wright-432_behinds_people-think-my-friend-george-is-weird-b_1296318.jpg)

> [Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/today-i-dialed-a-wrong-number-the-other-person-said-hello-and-i-said/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d25/steven-wright-432_funny_today-i-dialed-a-wrong-number-the-other_1571958.jpg)

> [I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-wrote-a-song-but-i-can-t-read-music-so-i-don-t-know-what-it-is/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ae/steven-wright-432_funny_i-wrote-a-song-but-i-can-t-read-music-so_2600304.jpg)

> [Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/comedians-are-sociologists-we-re-pointing-out-stuff-that-the-general/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/500/steven-wright-432_comedian_comedians-are-sociologists-we-re-pointin_2661560.jpg)

> [Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/two-babies-were-born-on-the-same-day-at-the-same-hospital-they-lay/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/162/steven-wright-432_baby_two-babies-were-born-on-the-same-day-at_625979.jpg)

> [I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-don-t-feel-that-i-m-explaining-the-world-or-teaching-people/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/148/steven-wright-432_explaining_i-don-t-feel-that-i-m-explaining-the-wor_2932052.jpg)

> [I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-ve-been-thinking-of-humorous-things-since-i-was-i-can-t-remember/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e49/steven-wright-432_audience_i-ve-been-thinking-of-humorous-things-si_1226410.jpg)

> [When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-was-on-tv-in-the-80s-i-wasn-t-thinking-there-s-a-10-year-old/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/785/steven-wright-432_80s_when-i-was-on-tv-in-the-80s-i-wasn-t-thi_726360.jpg)

> [It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/it-seems-like-we-wake-up-and-it-s-a-race-until-you-get-to-bed-it-gets/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc1/steven-wright-432_bed_it-seems-like-we-wake-up-and-it-s-a-race_2432596.jpg)

> [I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-m-standing-behind-a-wall-of-jokes-you-don-t-know-about-my-personal/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79a/steven-wright-432_anything_i-m-standing-behind-a-wall-of-jokes-you_635334.jpg)

> [I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-to-this-restaurant-last-night-that-was-set-up-like-a-big/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/208/steven-wright-432_bigs_i-went-to-this-restaurant-last-night-tha_60519.jpg)

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- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b023/author-taylor-swift-89132.jpg) Taylor Swift 137 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/thinking/taylor-swift/)

## More by Steven Wright

> [Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/depression-is-merely-anger-without-enthusiasm/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/my-dental-hygienist-is-cute-every-time-i-visit-i-eat-a-whole-package/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-lawyers-are-disbarred-and-clergymen-defrocked-doesn-t-it-follow/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-i-ever-had-twins-i-d-use-one-for-parts/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/nobody-can-really-compare-a-relationship-in-which-the-victim-is-15/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-tree-fall-in-the-woods-and-i-didn-t-hear-it/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/it-s-very-intense-to-be-in-front-of-a-live-audience-it-s-just-an/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-got-pulled-over-by-a-cop-and-he-said-do-you-know-the-speed-limit/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/babies-don-t-need-a-vacation-but-i-still-see-them-at-the-beach-it/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-just-got-out-of-the-hospital-i-was-in-a-speed-reading-accident-i/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-m-on-stage-it-s-really-intense-my-mind-is-going-a-million/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-don-t-like-politicians-and-i-don-t-like-politics-i-definitely-don-t/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-to-this-restaurant-last-night-that-was-set-up-like-a-big/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/why-isn-t-the-number-11-pronounced-onety-one/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/a-conscience-is-what-hurts-when-all-your-other-parts-feel-so-good/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

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                        "text": "People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.",
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                        "text": "Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.",
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                        "text": "Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?",
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                        "text": "I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.",
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                        "text": "I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.",
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                        "text": "When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.",
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                        "text": "It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'",
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