---
title: "48 Stupid Quotes By George Carlin"
description: "48 Stupid quotes by George Carlin. Plus more from George Carlin and more Stupid sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ba/george-carlin-155_best-thing_what-was-the-best-thing-before-sliced-br_50470.jpg"
---

> [What was the best thing before sliced bread?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/what-was-the-best-thing-before-sliced-bread/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ba/george-carlin-155_best-thing_what-was-the-best-thing-before-sliced-br_50470.jpg)

> [Hooray for most things!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/hooray-for-most-things/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ec/george-carlin-155_inspirational_hooray-for-most-things-2408948_2408948.jpg)

> [So far, this is the oldest I've been.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/so-far-this-is-the-oldest-i-ve-been/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/066/george-carlin-155_funny_so-far-this-is-the-oldest-i-ve-been-1917_1917555.jpg)

> [If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-the-cops-didn-t-see-it-i-didn-t-do-it/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fd/george-carlin-155_cop_if-the-cops-didn-t-see-it-i-didn-t-do-it_1463950.jpg)

> [Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/somehow-i-enjoy-watching-people-suffer/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/490/george-carlin-155_enjoy_somehow-i-enjoy-watching-people-suffer-2_2615193.jpg)

> [Life is a zero sum game.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/life-is-a-zero-sum-game/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ba7/george-carlin-155_games_life-is-a-zero-sum-game-923208_923208.jpg)

> [The future will soon be a thing of the past.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-future-will-soon-be-a-thing-of-the-past/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c8/george-carlin-155_future_the-future-will-soon-be-a-thing-of-the-p_425938.jpg)

> ["No comment" is a comment.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/no-comment-is-a-comment/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/756/george-carlin-155_comment_no-comment-is-a-comment-521686_521686.jpg)

> [I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-used-to-be-irish-catholic-now-i-m-an-american-you-know-you-grow/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/548/george-carlin-155_american_i-used-to-be-irish-catholic-now-i-m-an-a_2809359.jpg)

> [If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-it-requires-a-uniform-it-s-a-worthless-endeavor/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/478/george-carlin-155_endeavor_if-it-requires-a-uniform-it-s-a-worthles_2692234.jpg)

> [You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-can-t-fight-city-hall-but-you-can-goddamn-sure-blow-it-up/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/46d/george-carlin-155_anarchy_you-can-t-fight-city-hall-but-you-can-go_767238.jpg)

> [As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/as-soon-as-someone-is-identified-as-an-unsung-hero-he-no-longer-is/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea6/george-carlin-155_hero_as-soon-as-someone-is-identified-as-an-u_464966.jpg)

> [Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/property-is-theft-nobody-owns-anything-when-you-die-it-all-stays-here/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f19/george-carlin-155_death_property-is-theft-nobody-owns-anything-w_286745.jpg)

> [No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/no-one-knows-what-s-next-but-everybody-does-it/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/428/george-carlin-155_doe_no-one-knows-what-s-next-but-everybody-d_2987393.jpg)

> [I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-never-joined-the-boy-scouts-i-don-t-trust-any-organization-that-has/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ed/george-carlin-155_boy-scout_i-never-joined-the-boy-scouts-i-don-t-tr_3045028.jpg)

> [I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-don-t-have-a-fear-of-heights-i-do-however-have-a-fear-of-falling-2/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/46b/george-carlin-155_fall_i-don-t-have-a-fear-of-heights-i-do-howe_2223074.jpg)

> [If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got-a-happy-cat-if-you-ve-got-a/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/42b/george-carlin-155_cat_if-you-ve-got-a-cat-and-a-leg-you-ve-got_201386.jpg)

> [Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/most-of-the-time-people-feel-okay-probably-it-s-because-at-the-moment/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c6e/george-carlin-155_dying_most-of-the-time-people-feel-okay-probab_1744311.jpg)

> [Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/just-think-right-now-as-you-read-this-some-guy-somewhere-is-gettin/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ec/george-carlin-155_guy_just-think-right-now-as-you-read-this-so_2578618.jpg)

> [If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-helen-keller-had-psychic-ability-would-you-say-she-had-a-fourth/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d79/george-carlin-155_ability_if-helen-keller-had-psychic-ability-woul_2788531.jpg)

> [One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/one-great-thing-about-getting-old-is-that-you-can-get-out-of-all/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/266/george-carlin-155_comedian_one-great-thing-about-getting-old-is-tha_1690093.jpg)

> [If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-a-movie-is-described-as-a-romantic-comedy-you-can-usually-find-me/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/834/george-carlin-155_comedy_if-a-movie-is-described-as-a-romantic-co_2332443.jpg)

> [The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-golden-gate-bridge-should-have-a-long-bungee-cord-for-people-who/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/504/george-carlin-155_bridges_the-golden-gate-bridge-should-have-a-lon_2291281.jpg)

> [If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-all-our-national-holidays-were-observed-on-wednesdays-we-could/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f59/george-carlin-155_holiday_if-all-our-national-holidays-were-observ_2614193.jpg)

> [Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/once-you-leave-the-womb-conservatives-don-t-care-about-you-until-you/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/772/george-carlin-155_age_once-you-leave-the-womb-conservatives-do_717887.jpg)

> [The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-whole-problem-with-the-world-today-private-property-if-no-one/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/24b/george-carlin-155_eye_the-whole-problem-with-the-world-today-p_1520585.jpg)

> [Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/soft-rock-music-isn-t-rock-and-it-ain-t-music-it-s-just-soft-reminds/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/45c/george-carlin-155_fruit_soft-rock-music-isn-t-rock-and-it-ain-t_3146572.jpg)

> [Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/do-you-think-sammy-davis-ate-junior-mints/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10d/george-carlin-155_juniors_do-you-think-sammy-davis-ate-junior-mint_2423057.jpg)

> [Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/don-ho-can-sign-autographs-3-4-times-faster-than-efrem-zimbalist-jr/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4e6/george-carlin-155_autograph_don-ho-can-sign-autographs-3-4-times-fas_2990122.jpg)

> [No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/no-one-who-has-had-taps-played-for-them-has-ever-been-able-to-hear-it/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a76/george-carlin-155_able_no-one-who-has-had-taps-played-for-them_785189.jpg)

> [I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-ve-never-seen-a-homeless-guy-with-a-bottle-of-gatorade/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f39/george-carlin-155_bottles_i-ve-never-seen-a-homeless-guy-with-a-bo_239402.jpg)

> [Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/beethoven-was-so-hard-of-hearing-he-thought-he-was-a-painter/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a6/george-carlin-155_genuine_beethoven-was-so-hard-of-hearing-he-thou_2125319.jpg)

> [Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/republicans-have-been-trying-to-get-people-to-work-for-no-pay-for-a/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/21e/george-carlin-155_democracy_republicans-have-been-trying-to-get-peop_163591.jpg)

> [And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/and-now-in-the-interest-of-equal-time-here-is-a-message-from-the-2/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/431/george-carlin-155_equal_and-now-in-the-interest-of-equal-time-he_1106810.jpg)

> [Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/eventually-alas-i-realized-the-main-purpose-of-buying-cocaine-is-to/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/192/george-carlin-155_alas_eventually-alas-i-realized-the-main-purp_275486.jpg)

> [Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/boxing-is-a-more-sophisticated-form-of-hockey/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92a/george-carlin-155_boxing_boxing-is-a-more-sophisticated-form-of-h_2437996.jpg)

> [Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/whoever-coined-the-term-buyer-beware-was-probably-bleeding-from-the/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/87e/george-carlin-155_beware_whoever-coined-the-term-buyer-beware-was_773343.jpg)

> [Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/swimming-is-not-a-sport-swimming-is-a-way-to-keep-from-drowning-that/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47f/george-carlin-155_common_swimming-is-not-a-sport-swimming-is-a-wa_2525873.jpg)

> [I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-don-t-like-to-think-of-laws-as-rules-you-have-to-follow-but-more-as/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/009/george-carlin-155_follow-your-heart_i-don-t-like-to-think-of-laws-as-rules-y_1261430.jpg)

> [God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/god-bless-the-homicidal-maniacs-they-make-life-worthwhile/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6c2/george-carlin-155_bless_god-bless-the-homicidal-maniacs-they-mak_58016.jpg)

## Other authors on Stupid

## More by George Carlin

> [I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-never-go-anywhere-or-do-anything-that-transports-me-outside-the/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/with-the-proper-training-i-could-ve-been-an-evil-genius/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/comedy-although-it-is-not-one-of-the-fine-arts-it-s-a-vulgar-art-it-s/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-m-completely-in-favor-of-the-separation-of-church-and-state-these/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/tomorrow-is-another-day-not-true-today-is-another-day-we-have-no-idea/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/i-was-a-loner-as-a-child-i-had-an-imaginary-friend-i-didn-t-bother/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/kilometers-are-shorter-than-miles-save-gas-take-your-next-trip-in/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/if-you-guys-want-to-get-a-mom-tattoo-and-save-a-little-money-just-get/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-ve-built-up-so-much-speed-that-you-hit-70-after-that-it-s-a-day/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/it-ended-suddenly-for-brenda-more-slowly-for-me-my-runs-began-getting/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [Is there another word for synonym?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/is-there-another-word-for-synonym/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/the-whole-idea-of-the-pursuit-of-goods-and-possessions-has-completely/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/these-days-many-politicians-are-demanding-change-just-like-homeless/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/you-know-the-good-part-about-all-those-executions-in-texas-fewer/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

> [What was the best thing before sliced bread?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-carlin/what-was-the-best-thing-before-sliced-bread/)

[George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-carlin/)

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