--- title: "14 Stores Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "14 Stores quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Stores sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/900/mitch-hedberg-695_circus_i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent_1266735.png" --- > [I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent-do-you-need-circus/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/900/mitch-hedberg-695_circus_i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent_1266735.png) > [I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they-specialized-in-hard-to-find/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f14/mitch-hedberg-695_hard_i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they_2965512.png) > [I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-apples-the-clerk-said-do-you/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e9/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-app_999112.png) > [I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-in-a-convenience-store-reading-a-magazine-the-clerk-told-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/mitch-hedberg-695_clerks_i-was-in-a-convenience-store-reading-a-m_1398230.png) > [I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-cigar-store-the-man-behind-the-counter-asked-me-what-kind/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/956/mitch-hedberg-695_behinds_i-went-to-a-cigar-store-the-man-behind-t_1277774.jpg) > [I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat-section-at-the-grocery-store/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png) > [I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-are-better-when-they-fall-if-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png) > [The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into-stores-is-if-i-took-one-in/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png) > [I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-those-blow-up-beds-this-becomes-a-full-size-bed-in-three/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/869/mitch-hedberg-695_ass_i-like-those-blow-up-beds-this-becomes-a_1720525.png) > [I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-call-them-cavities-though-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cc/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-ca_1439826.png) > [I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-find-that-a-duck-s-opinion-of-me-is-influenced-by-whether-or-not-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/mitch-hedberg-695_beavers_i-find-that-a-duck-s-opinion-of-me-is-in_1539401.jpg) > [A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-minibar-is-a-machine-that-makes-everything-expensive-when-i-take/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/192/mitch-hedberg-695_asks_a-minibar-is-a-machine-that-makes-everyt_1399536.jpg) > [I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery-store-you-start-to-get-mad-at/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg) > [Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-million-people-watch-that-show/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png) ## Other authors on Stores ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/stores/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "14 Stores Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to a tent store. \"What kind of tent do you need?\" \"Circus.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent-do-you-need-circus/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/900/mitch-hedberg-695_circus_i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent_1266735.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/900/mitch-hedberg-695_circus_i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent_1266735.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/900/mitch-hedberg-695_circus_i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent_1266735.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to a tent store. \"What kind of tent do you need?\" \"Circus.\"” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. 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The clerk told me, \"this is not a library!\" \"OK! I will talk louder, then!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-in-a-convenience-store-reading-a-magazine-the-clerk-told-me/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/mitch-hedberg-695_clerks_i-was-in-a-convenience-store-reading-a-m_1398230.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/mitch-hedberg-695_clerks_i-was-in-a-convenience-store-reading-a-m_1398230.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dd2/mitch-hedberg-695_clerks_i-was-in-a-convenience-store-reading-a-m_1398230.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, \"this is not a library!\" \"OK! 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If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat-section-at-the-grocery-store/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-are-better-when-they-fall-if-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. \"Sir, you forgot this.\" \"No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into-stores-is-if-i-took-one-in/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a25/mitch-hedberg-695_cds_the-only-way-i-could-get-my-old-cd-into_2722297.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. \"Sir, you forgot this.\"…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like those blow-up beds. \"This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!\" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. \"Yeah, but you can store this thing.\" You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-those-blow-up-beds-this-becomes-a-full-size-bed-in-three/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/869/mitch-hedberg-695_ass_i-like-those-blow-up-beds-this-becomes-a_1720525.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/869/mitch-hedberg-695_ass_i-like-those-blow-up-beds-this-becomes-a_1720525.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/869/mitch-hedberg-695_ass_i-like-those-blow-up-beds-this-becomes-a_1720525.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like those blow-up beds. \"This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!\" Well, a mattress kicks your ass…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-call-them-cavities-though-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cc/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-ca_1439826.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cc/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-ca_1439826.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cc/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-have-a-few-cavities-i-don-t-like-to-ca_1439826.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, \"Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!\" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-find-that-a-duck-s-opinion-of-me-is-influenced-by-whether-or-not-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/mitch-hedberg-695_beavers_i-find-that-a-duck-s-opinion-of-me-is-in_1539401.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/mitch-hedberg-695_beavers_i-find-that-a-duck-s-opinion-of-me-is-in_1539401.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/50d/mitch-hedberg-695_beavers_i-find-that-a-duck-s-opinion-of-me-is-in_1539401.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-minibar-is-a-machine-that-makes-everything-expensive-when-i-take/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/192/mitch-hedberg-695_asks_a-minibar-is-a-machine-that-makes-everyt_1399536.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/192/mitch-hedberg-695_asks_a-minibar-is-a-machine-that-makes-everyt_1399536.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/192/mitch-hedberg-695_asks_a-minibar-is-a-machine-that-makes-everyt_1399536.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, \"Man, just be yourselves!\" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery-store-you-start-to-get-mad-at/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. \"You might have seen this next comedian at the store,\" and people would say \"Hell yes I have!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-million-people-watch-that-show/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/mitch-hedberg-695_comedian_has-anyone-seen-me-on-letterman-two-mill_837236.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. 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