---
title: "24 Should Quotes By Jack Handey"
description: "24 Should quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Should sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jack-handey-829_building_instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-wea_412329.jpg"
---

> [Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-weapons-of-mass-destruction-i/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e24/jack-handey-829_building_instead-of-building-newer-and-larger-wea_412329.jpg)

> [If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-they-ever-come-up-with-a-swashbuckling-school-i-think-one-of-the/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/365/jack-handey-829_come-up_if-they-ever-come-up-with-a-swashbucklin_785736.jpg)

> [If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-a-horse-and-someone-gets-on-you-and-falls-off-and-then-gets/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaf/jack-handey-829_buck_if-you-re-a-horse-and-someone-gets-on-yo_2333458.jpg)

> [In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/in-weightlifting-i-don-t-think-sudden-uncontrolled-urination-should/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03c/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_in-weightlifting-i-don-t-think-sudden-un_2588882.jpg)

> [I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-monkeys-at-the-zoo-should-have-to-wear-sunglasses-so-they/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-the-monkeys-at-the-zoo-should-ha_726994.jpg)

> [I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-they-should-continue-the-policy-of-not-giving-a-nobel-prize/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f47/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-think-they-should-continue-the-policy_2881953.jpg)

> [If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-they-have-moving-sidewalks-in-the-future-when-you-get-on-them-i/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/299/jack-handey-829_animal_if-they-have-moving-sidewalks-in-the-fut_3113632.jpg)

> [Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/instead-of-having-answers-on-a-math-test-they-should-just-call-them/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/852/jack-handey-829_answers_instead-of-having-answers-on-a-math-test_327700.jpg)

> [I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling-should-be-carpet-bowling-it-s/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/60f/jack-handey-829_bowling_i-think-a-new-different-kind-of-bowling_2153040.jpg)

> [I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-someone-should-have-had-the-decency-to-tell-me-the-luncheon/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a65/jack-handey-829_decency_i-think-someone-should-have-had-the-dece_2143304.jpg)

> [I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-college-administrators-should-encourage-students-to-urinate/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/462/jack-handey-829_administrators_i-think-college-administrators-should-en_1159004.jpg)

> [There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/there-should-be-a-detective-show-called-johnny-monkey-because-every/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd2/jack-handey-829_caught_there-should-be-a-detective-show-called_569869.jpg)

> [My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after-we-die-i-told-him-we-get/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58b/jack-handey-829_body_my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after_593497.jpg)

> [As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-rocks-martha/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/604/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-sa_1821129.jpg)

> [I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-there-should-be-something-in-science-called-the-reindeer/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10f/jack-handey-829_be-good_i-think-there-should-be-something-in-sci_2146193.jpg)

> [I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-way-to-breed-a-very-large/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac0/jack-handey-829_come-up_i-think-somebody-should-come-up-with-a-w_905445.jpg)

> [I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice-where-nick-was-waiting-that/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e11/jack-handey-829_climbs_i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice_683829.jpg)

> [If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and-we-show-them-our/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afe/jack-handey-829_aliens_if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and_2514969.jpg)

> [I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-when-you-go-on-trial-they-should-have-a-parrot-there-that/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaa/jack-handey-829_courtesy_i-think-when-you-go-on-trial-they-should_2687563.jpg)

> [I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-believe-in-making-the-world-safe-for-our-children-but-not-our/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f7/jack-handey-829_believe_i-believe-in-making-the-world-safe-for-o_1226202.jpg)

> [I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-pillow-should-be-the-peace-symbol-not-the-dove-the-pillow/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7aa/jack-handey-829_beaks_i-think-a-pillow-should-be-the-peace-sym_770960.jpg)

> [Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/whether-they-ever-find-life-there-or-not-i-think-jupiter-should-be/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ec/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_whether-they-ever-find-life-there-or-not_642532.jpg)

> [When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-speaker-as-a-former-illegal/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg)

> [I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-there-probably-should-be-a-rule-that-if-you-re-talking-about/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f37/jack-handey-829_bread_i-think-there-probably-should-be-a-rule_3053339.jpg)

## Other authors on Should

## More by Jack Handey

> [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

> [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/)

[Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/)

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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Instead of having \"answers\" on a math test, they should just call them \"impressions,\" and if you got a different \"impression,\" so what, can't we all be brothers?",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think a new, different kind of bowling should be \"carpet bowling.\" It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "There should be a detective show called \"Johnny Monkey,\" because every week you could have a guy say \"I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,\" but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally but I didn't want to upset him.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, \"Watch for Rocks.\" Martha said it should read \"Watch for Pretty Rocks.\" I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think there should be something in science called the \"reindeer effect.\" I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, \"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.\"",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. \"That was fun,\" I said. \"You bet it was,\" said Nick. \"Let's climb higher.\" \"No,\" I said. \"I think we should be heading back now.\" \"We have time,\" Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.",
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