--- title: "14 Shame Based Quotes By John Bradshaw" description: "14 Shame Based quotes by John Bradshaw. Plus more from John Bradshaw and more Shame Based sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg" --- > [“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the shame-based child forms her primitive conscience,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-feeling-of-discouragement/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg) > [“During school age, the bright, shame-based child will attempt to develop inhuman ego defenses or defending scripts, such as perfectionism, blaming, criticizing,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based-child-will-attempt-to/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/edc/john-bradshaw-2227_character_during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based_998550.jpg) > [“One of the significant lessons in my life was given me by Abraham Low, the founder of Recovery, Inc. He said that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-life-was-given-me-by-abraham-low/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/john-bradshaw-2227_life_one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-lif_1354044.jpg) > [“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family system and its multigenerational…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models-it-is-obvious-that-a-major/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg) > [“This transformation involves three dynamics: 1. The identification with shame-based models and the carrying of their unexpressed shame. 2. The trauma of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/this-transformation-involves-three-dynamics-1-the-identification-with/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/john-bradshaw-2227_change_this-transformation-involves-three-dynam_3020871.jpg) > [“SHAME-BASED FAMILY RULES Each family system has several categories of rules. There are rules about celebrating and socializing, rules about touching and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-family-rules-each-family-system-has-several-categories-of/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/985/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-family-rules-each-family-sys_1758320.jpg) > [“3. Blame. Whenever things don’t turn out as planned, blame yourself or others. Blame is another defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-as-planned-blame-yourself-or/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e70/john-bradshaw-2227_blame_3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-a_3088530.jpg) > [“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and defective as a human…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-experienced-as-the-all/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg) > [“The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed. Shame begets shame. The cycle begins…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-based-loneliness-and-hurt-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e26/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-bas_2668772.jpg) > [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg) > [“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a life of honesty,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-decide-and-clarify-our/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg) > [“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship. This inability flows directly out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based-person-carries-is-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg) > [“5. The “No Talk” Rule. This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. In shame-based families, the members…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-the-full-expression-of-any/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e9/john-bradshaw-2227_communication_5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-t_872088.jpg) > [“When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to take over the mirroring narcissistic function for the child. Furthermore, the fact…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-they-are-unable-to-take-over/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/john-bradshaw-2227_adult-children_when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-t_2608351.jpg) ## More by John Bradshaw > [Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by joining a group and talking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/recovery-begins-with-embracing-our-pain-and-taking-the-risk-to-share/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“Generally speaking, most of our vital, spontaneous, instinctual life gets shamed. Children are shamed for being too rambunctious, for wanting things and for laughing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/generally-speaking-most-of-our-vital-spontaneous-instinctual-life/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“A covert kind of sexual abuse occurs when Dad or Mom talk about sex in front of the children when the age level of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-covert-kind-of-sexual-abuse-occurs-when-dad-or-mom-talk-about-sex/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they cant feel anymore.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-know-from-my-own-clinical-work-that-when-people-are-beaten-and-hurt/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“Love-that which biologists, nervous about being misunderstood call "attachment"-fuels the bond between dog and master or mistress.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/love-that-which-biologists-nervous-about-being-misunderstood-call/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“(b) Boundary Violation. This involves children witnessing parents in sexual behavior. They may walk in on it because parents don’t provide closed or locked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/b-boundary-violation-this-involves-children-witnessing-parents-in/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“A toxically shamed person is divided within himself and must create a false-self cover-up to hide his sense of being flawed and defective. You…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/a-toxically-shamed-person-is-divided-within-himself-and-must-create-a/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [I define a 'good person' as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations. They know their strengths, but they also know their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/i-define-a-good-person-as-somebody-who-is-fully-conscious-of-their/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“The ego defense of conversion transforms developmental needs into the need for something else. This could be food, money or excessive attention. In Max’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-ego-defense-of-conversion-transforms-developmental-needs-into-the/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“In fact, the most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the star…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-fact-the-most-paradoxical-aspect-of-neurotic-shame-is-that-it-is/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/ego-is-to-the-true-self-what-a-flashlight-is-to-a-spotlight/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“If a cat falls out of a high-rise building or a tall tree, it has another trick available: forming a “parachute” by spreading all…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-a-cat-falls-out-of-a-high-rise-building-or-a-tall-tree-it-has/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“In the past, when dogs’ functions were mostly rural, it was accepted that they were intrinsically messy and needed to be managed on their…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/in-the-past-when-dogs-functions-were-mostly-rural-it-was-accepted/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) > [“IDENTIFICATION When victimization takes place the victim often identifies with the persecutor. By so doing the victim no longer feels the helplessness and the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/identification-when-victimization-takes-place-the-victim-often/) [John Bradshaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-bradshaw/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/#itemlist", "name": "14 Shame Based Quotes By John Bradshaw", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. As the shame-based child forms her primitive conscience, shame becomes immorality or neurotic guilt. The conforming child believes he can do nothing right,”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-feeling-of-discouragement/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“With the child already shame-based, the feeling of discouragement takes over the whole personality. 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Since being grounded in healthy shame is the permission to be human, the toxically shamed become polarized trying to be more than human or giving up and becoming less than human.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based-child-will-attempt-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/edc/john-bradshaw-2227_character_during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based_998550.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/edc/john-bradshaw-2227_character_during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based_998550.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/edc/john-bradshaw-2227_character_during-school-age-the-bright-shame-based_998550.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“During school age, the bright, shame-based child will attempt to develop inhuman ego defenses or defending…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“One of the significant lessons in my life was given me by Abraham Low, the founder of Recovery, Inc. He said that “intellectualizing about our problems is complex but easy, while doing something about them is simple but difficult.” Shame-based intellectuals love to analyze.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-life-was-given-me-by-abraham-low/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/john-bradshaw-2227_life_one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-lif_1354044.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/john-bradshaw-2227_life_one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-lif_1354044.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/john-bradshaw-2227_life_one-of-the-significant-lessons-in-my-lif_1354044.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One of the significant lessons in my life was given me by Abraham Low, the founder of Recovery, Inc. He said…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family system and its multigenerational patterns of unresolved secrets. More specifically, these families are created by the shame-based people who find and marry each other. Each expects the other to parent the child within him or her. Each is incomplete and insatiable. The insatiability is rooted in each person’s unmet childhood needs.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models-it-is-obvious-that-a-major/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-marriage-and-parental-models_2716128.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“SHAME-BASED MARRIAGE AND PARENTAL MODELS It is obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“This transformation involves three dynamics: 1. The identification with shame-based models and the carrying of their unexpressed shame. 2. The trauma of abandonment and the shame binding all one’s feelings, needs and drives. 3. The interconnection and magnification of visual memories or scenes, and the retaining of shaming auditory and kinesthetic imprints.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/this-transformation-involves-three-dynamics-1-the-identification-with/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/john-bradshaw-2227_change_this-transformation-involves-three-dynam_3020871.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/john-bradshaw-2227_change_this-transformation-involves-three-dynam_3020871.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/john-bradshaw-2227_change_this-transformation-involves-three-dynam_3020871.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This transformation involves three dynamics: 1. The identification with shame-based models and the carrying…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“SHAME-BASED FAMILY RULES Each family system has several categories of rules. There are rules about celebrating and socializing, rules about touching and sexuality, rules about sickness and proper health care, rules about vacations and vocations, rules about household maintenance and the spending of money. Perhaps the most important rules are about feelings, interpersonal communication and parenting. Toxic shame is consciously transferred by means of shaming rules. In shame-based families, the rules consciously shame all the members. Generally, however, the children receive the major brunt of the shame. Power is a cover-up for shame. Power is frequently hierarchical.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/shame-based-family-rules-each-family-system-has-several-categories-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/985/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-family-rules-each-family-sys_1758320.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/985/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-family-rules-each-family-sys_1758320.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/985/john-bradshaw-2227_family_shame-based-family-rules-each-family-sys_1758320.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“SHAME-BASED FAMILY RULES Each family system has several categories of rules. There are rules about…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“3. Blame. Whenever things don’t turn out as planned, blame yourself or others. Blame is another defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down. 4. Denial of the Five Freedoms. The five freedoms, first enunciated by Virginia Satir, describe full personal functionality. Each freedom has to do with a basic human power: the power to perceive, to think and interpret, to feel, to want and choose, and the power to imagine. In shame-based families, the perfectionist rule prohibits the full expression of these powers. It says you shouldn’t perceive, think, feel, desire or imagine the way you do. You should do these the way the perfec-tionistic ideal demands.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-as-planned-blame-yourself-or/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e70/john-bradshaw-2227_blame_3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-a_3088530.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e70/john-bradshaw-2227_blame_3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-a_3088530.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e70/john-bradshaw-2227_blame_3-blame-whenever-things-don-t-turn-out-a_3088530.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“3. Blame. Whenever things don’t turn out as planned, blame yourself or others. Blame is another defensive…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and defective as a human being.” Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits; it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. Toxic shame is a rupture of the self with the self. It is like internal bleeding—exposure to oneself lies at the heart of toxic shame. A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself. Toxic shame is so excruciating because it is the painful exposure of the perceived failure of self to the self. In toxic shame the self becomes an object of its own contempt, an object that can’t be trusted. As an object that can’t be trusted, one experiences oneself as untrustworthy.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-experienced-as-the-all/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/668/john-bradshaw-2227_inner-self_toxic-shame-the-shame-that-binds-us-is-e_519040.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Toxic shame, the shame that binds us, is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that “I am flawed and…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed. Shame begets shame. The cycle begins with the false belief system shared by all addicts: that no one could want them or love them as they are. In fact, addicts can’t love themselves. They are an object of scorn to themselves. This deep internalized shame gives rise to distorted thinking. The distorted thinking can be reduced to the belief, “I’ll be okay if I drink, eat, have sex, get more money, work harder, etc.” The shame turns one into what Kellogg has termed a “human doing,” rather than a human being.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-based-loneliness-and-hurt-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e26/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-bas_2668772.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e26/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-bas_2668772.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e26/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_the-more-i-drank-to-relieve-my-shame-bas_2668772.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed. Shame begets shame…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational. It is passed from one generation to the next. Shame-based people find other shame-based people and get married. As each member of a couple carries the shame from his or her own family system, their marriage will be grounded in their shame-core. The major outcome of this will be a lack of intimacy. It’s difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain nonintimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. Confluence creates pseudointimacy.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-based-they-will-act-shameless-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c7a/john-bradshaw-2227_primary-care_if-our-primary-caregivers-are-shame-base_191941.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and discipline, we must be willing to commit ourselves to reality. This commitment, according to Peck, “requires the willingness and the capacity to suffer continual self-examination.” Such an ability requires a good relationship with oneself. This is precisely what no shame-based person has. In fact, a toxically shamed person has an adversarial relationship with himself. Toxic shame—the shame that binds us—is a core part of neurotic and character disordered syndromes of behavior.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-decide-and-clarify-our/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/937/john-bradshaw-2227_character_the-major-problem-in-our-lives-is-to-dec_1995348.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The major problem in our lives is to decide and clarify our responsibilities. To truly be committed to a…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship. This inability flows directly out of the fundamental dishonesty at the core of toxic shame. To be a false self, always hiding and filled with secrets, precludes any possibility of honesty in relationships. As I’ve suggested elsewhere, shame-based people always seek out relationships with shame-based people. Hockey players don’t usually hang out with professional bridge players. They don’t know each other’s rules. We tend to find those who play by the same rules. Secretiveness, dishonesty and game-playing were certainly the substance of my relational history. During my drunken”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based-person-carries-is-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88b/john-bradshaw-2227_guilt_perhaps-the-greatest-wound-a-shame-based_2908545.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Perhaps the greatest wound a shame-based person carries is the inability to be intimate in a relationship…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“5. The “No Talk” Rule. This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. In shame-based families, the members want to hide their true feelings, needs or wants. Therefore, no one speaks of his loneliness and sense of self-rupture. 6. The “No Listen” Rule. Everyone is so busy using their energy to defend themselves or play their rigid roles, no one really hears anything from the other’s true self. 7. Don’t Make Mistakes. Mistakes reveal the flawed, vulnerable self. To acknowledge a mistake is to open oneself to scrutiny. Cover up your own mistakes, and if someone else makes a mistake, shame him. 8. Unreliability. Don’t expect reliability in relationships. Don’t trust anyone, and you will never be disappointed. The parents didn’t get their developmental dependency needs met and will not be there for their children to depend on. The distrust cycle goes on. 9. Don’t Trust. Since no one feels validated or listened to, and there is unpredictability and unreliability on the part of the source figures, no one develops basic trust in themselves or others.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-the-full-expression-of-any/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e9/john-bradshaw-2227_communication_5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-t_872088.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e9/john-bradshaw-2227_communication_5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-t_872088.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e9/john-bradshaw-2227_communication_5-the-no-talk-rule-this-rule-prohibits-t_872088.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“5. The “No Talk” Rule. This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. In shame-based…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to take over the mirroring narcissistic function for the child. Furthermore, the fact that the parents are shame-based is a clear signal that they never got their own narcissistic supplies. Such parents are adult children who are still in search of a parent or an object who will be totally available to them. For such parents, the most appropriate objects of narcissistic gratification are their own children. Again Alice Miller writes: A newborn baby is completely dependent on his parents and since their caring is essential for his existence, he does all he can to avoid losing them. From the very first day onward, he will muster all his resources to this end, like a small plant that turns toward the sun in order to survive. What the shame-based mother was unable to find in her own mother she finds in her own children. The child is always at her disposal. A child cannot run away as her own mother did. A child can be used as an echo, is completely centered on her, will never desert her, can be totally controlled, and offers full admiration and absorbed attention.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Bradshaw" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-bradshaw/when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-they-are-unable-to-take-over/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/john-bradshaw-2227_adult-children_when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-t_2608351.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/john-bradshaw-2227_adult-children_when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-t_2608351.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/38f/john-bradshaw-2227_adult-children_when-parents-are-shame-based-and-needy-t_2608351.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to take over the mirroring narcissistic function for…” — John Bradshaw", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/", "name": "Shame Based Quotes by John Bradshaw", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d4/john-bradshaw-2227_children_with-the-child-already-shame-based-the-f_1106970.jpg" }, "description": "14 Shame Based quotes by John Bradshaw. Plus more from John Bradshaw and more Shame Based sayings from other authors.", "breadcrumb": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/#breadcrumb" } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/#breadcrumb", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Topics", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/categories/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Shame Based", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "name": "John Bradshaw", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/shame-based/john-bradshaw/" } ] }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```