---
title: "40 Said Quotes By Steven Wright"
description: "40 Said quotes by Steven Wright. Plus more from Steven Wright and more Said sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce7/steven-wright-432_banking_i-saw-a-bank-that-said-24-hour-banking-b_944567.jpg"
---

> [I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-bank-that-said-24-hour-banking-but-i-don-t-have-that-much-time/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce7/steven-wright-432_banking_i-saw-a-bank-that-said-24-hour-banking-b_944567.jpg)

> [I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-m-so-hyper-said-with-a-very-dull-voice/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de7/steven-wright-432_dull_i-m-so-hyper-said-with-a-very-dull-voice_1850664.jpg)

> [“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/the-sign-said-eight-items-or-less-so-i-changed-my-name-to-les/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a33/steven-wright-432_changed_the-sign-said-eight-items-or-less-so-i-c_2242439.jpg)

> [I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-to-a-7-11-and-asked-for-a-2x4-and-a-box-of-3x5-s-the-clerk/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f31/steven-wright-432_boxes_i-went-to-a-7-11-and-asked-for-a-2x4-and_2268218.jpg)

> [Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/yesterday-i-told-a-chicken-to-cross-the-road-it-said-what-for/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b1/steven-wright-432_chicken_yesterday-i-told-a-chicken-to-cross-the_738662.jpg)

> [I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-wish-the-first-word-i-ever-said-was-the-word-quote-so-right-before/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbd/steven-wright-432_before-i-die_i-wish-the-first-word-i-ever-said-was-th_2558253.jpg)

> [When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-was-a-kid-i-had-a-friend-who-worked-in-a-radio-station/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/steven-wright-432_bridges_when-i-was-a-kid-i-had-a-friend-who-work_2749246.jpg)

> [I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-hitchhiking-the-other-day-and-a-hearse-stopped-i-said-no-thanks/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b67/steven-wright-432_hearse_i-was-hitchhiking-the-other-day-and-a-he_2282280.jpg)

> [I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-want-ad-light-housekeeping-they-said-here-change-this-bulb-i/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d0e/steven-wright-432_ads_i-saw-a-want-ad-light-housekeeping-they_1022429.jpg)

> [When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-was-crossing-the-border-into-canada-they-asked-if-i-had-any/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe6/steven-wright-432_canada_when-i-was-crossing-the-border-into-cana_1562277.jpg)

> [I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-wish-when-i-was-first-born-the-first-thing-i-said-was-quote-so-the/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/111/steven-wright-432_born_i-wish-when-i-was-first-born-the-first-t_2287065.jpg)

> [When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-woke-up-this-morning-my-girlfriend-asked-me-did-you-sleep-good/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69f/steven-wright-432_girlfriend_when-i-woke-up-this-morning-my-girlfrien_1722276.jpg)

> [I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-in-a-grocery-store-i-saw-a-sign-that-said-pet-supplies-so-i-did/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b14/steven-wright-432_car_i-was-in-a-grocery-store-i-saw-a-sign-th_2729251.jpg)

> [I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-don-t-like-the-sound-of-my-phone-ringing-so-i-put-my-phone-inside/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/473/steven-wright-432_fish-tanks_i-don-t-like-the-sound-of-my-phone-ringi_1351920.jpg)

> [I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-close-friend-of-mine-the-other-day-he-said-stephen-why-haven/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47a/steven-wright-432_calendars_i-saw-a-close-friend-of-mine-the-other-d_149538.jpg)

> [In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/in-my-house-there-s-this-light-switch-that-doesn-t-do-anything-every-2/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/67e/steven-wright-432_and-off_in-my-house-there-s-this-light-switch-th_2833520.jpg)

> [A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/a-cop-stopped-me-for-speeding-he-said-why-were-you-going-so-fast-i/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ae/steven-wright-432_car_a-cop-stopped-me-for-speeding-he-said-wh_1022504.jpg)

> [I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-turned-my-air-conditioner-the-other-way-around-and-it-got-cold-out/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/807/steven-wright-432_air_i-turned-my-air-conditioner-the-other-wa_1641882.jpg)

> [The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/the-lady-across-the-hall-tried-to-rob-a-department-store-with-a/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6e/steven-wright-432_department_the-lady-across-the-hall-tried-to-rob-a_1537473.jpg)

> [I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-going-to-tape-some-records-onto-a-cassette-but-i-got-the-wires/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/477/steven-wright-432_backwards_i-was-going-to-tape-some-records-onto-a_961994.jpg)

> [Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/today-i-dialed-a-wrong-number-the-other-person-said-hello-and-i-said/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d25/steven-wright-432_funny_today-i-dialed-a-wrong-number-the-other_1571958.jpg)

> [One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/one-day-when-i-came-home-from-work-i-accidentally-put-my-car-key-in/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5fd/steven-wright-432_apartment_one-day-when-i-came-home-from-work-i-acc_998781.jpg)

> [Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/last-night-somebody-broke-into-my-apartment-and-replaced-everything/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2fd/steven-wright-432_apartment_last-night-somebody-broke-into-my-apartm_1048050.jpg)

> [A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/a-beautiful-woman-moved-in-next-door-so-i-went-over-and-returned-a/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/382/steven-wright-432_beautiful_a-beautiful-woman-moved-in-next-door-so_1395039.jpg)

> [While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/while-i-was-gone-somebody-rearranged-on-the-furniture-in-my-bedroom/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/72c/steven-wright-432_bedroom_while-i-was-gone-somebody-rearranged-on_2404107.jpg)

> [I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-sad-because-i-had-no-shoes-until-i-met-a-man-who-had-no-feet-so/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eec/steven-wright-432_feet_i-was-sad-because-i-had-no-shoes-until-i_2204446.jpg)

> [I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-got-pulled-over-by-a-cop-and-he-said-do-you-know-the-speed-limit/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/307/steven-wright-432_cop_i-got-pulled-over-by-a-cop-and-he-said-d_38165.jpg)

> [A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/a-friend-of-mine-once-sent-me-a-post-card-with-a-picture-of-the/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/357/steven-wright-432_cards_a-friend-of-mine-once-sent-me-a-post-car_1839918.jpg)

> [I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-took-my-dog-for-a-walk-all-the-way-from-new-york-to-florida-i-said/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/065/steven-wright-432_dog_i-took-my-dog-for-a-walk-all-the-way-fro_1512838.jpg)

> [I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-small-bottle-of-cologne-and-asked-if-it-was-for-sale-she-said/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/006/steven-wright-432_bottles_i-saw-a-small-bottle-of-cologne-and-aske_1021357.jpg)

> [One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/one-time-a-cop-pulled-me-over-for-running-a-stop-sign-he-said-didn-t/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/356/steven-wright-432_belief_one-time-a-cop-pulled-me-over-for-runnin_2720235.jpg)

> [My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/my-girlfriend-s-weird-one-day-she-asked-me-if-you-could-know-how-and/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b3/steven-wright-432_death_my-girlfriend-s-weird-one-day-she-asked_1522115.jpg)

> [I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-for-a-walk-last-night-and-she-asked-me-how-long-i-was-going-to/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb3/steven-wright-432_gone_i-went-for-a-walk-last-night-and-she-ask_2835195.jpg)

> [I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-to-the-bank-and-asked-to-borrow-a-cup-of-money-they-said-what/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b6/steven-wright-432_borrow_i-went-to-the-bank-and-asked-to-borrow-a_335332.jpg)

> [I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-down-the-street-to-the-24-hour-grocery-when-i-got-there-the/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/steven-wright-432_front-door_i-went-down-the-street-to-the-24-hour-gr_1858541.jpg)

> [Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/two-babies-were-born-on-the-same-day-at-the-same-hospital-they-lay/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/162/steven-wright-432_baby_two-babies-were-born-on-the-same-day-at_625979.jpg)

> [I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-was-in-a-job-interview-and-i-opened-a-book-and-started-reading-then/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a6/steven-wright-432_asks_i-was-in-a-job-interview-and-i-opened-a_425160.jpg)

> [The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/the-other-night-i-came-home-late-and-tried-to-unlock-my-house-with-my/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3de/steven-wright-432_car_the-other-night-i-came-home-late-and-tri_2219352.jpg)

> [I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-made-a-chocolate-cake-with-white-chocolate-then-i-took-it-to-a/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d0/steven-wright-432_cake_i-made-a-chocolate-cake-with-white-choco_2059418.jpg)

> [I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-sign-at-a-gas-station-it-said-help-wanted-there-was-another/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5eb/steven-wright-432_boss_i-saw-a-sign-at-a-gas-station-it-said-he_2751526.jpg)

## Other authors on Said

## More by Steven Wright

> [Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/depression-is-merely-anger-without-enthusiasm/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/my-dental-hygienist-is-cute-every-time-i-visit-i-eat-a-whole-package/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-lawyers-are-disbarred-and-clergymen-defrocked-doesn-t-it-follow/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/if-i-ever-had-twins-i-d-use-one-for-parts/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/nobody-can-really-compare-a-relationship-in-which-the-victim-is-15/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-saw-a-tree-fall-in-the-woods-and-i-didn-t-hear-it/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/it-s-very-intense-to-be-in-front-of-a-live-audience-it-s-just-an/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-got-pulled-over-by-a-cop-and-he-said-do-you-know-the-speed-limit/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/babies-don-t-need-a-vacation-but-i-still-see-them-at-the-beach-it/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-just-got-out-of-the-hospital-i-was-in-a-speed-reading-accident-i/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/when-i-m-on-stage-it-s-really-intense-my-mind-is-going-a-million/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-don-t-like-politicians-and-i-don-t-like-politics-i-definitely-don-t/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/i-went-to-this-restaurant-last-night-that-was-set-up-like-a-big/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/why-isn-t-the-number-11-pronounced-onety-one/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

> [A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steven-wright/a-conscience-is-what-hurts-when-all-your-other-parts-feel-so-good/)

[Steven Wright](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steven-wright/)

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                        "text": "A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, \"You didn't borrow this.\" I said, \" I will!\"",
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                        "text": "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, \"Got any shoes you’re not using?",
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                        "text": "I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him \"There now you're done.\"",
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