--- title: "31 Said Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "31 Said quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Said sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-an_85207.png" --- > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-an_85207.png) > [My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen-banana-i-said-no-but-i-want-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff8/mitch-hedberg-695_banana_my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen_1629237.png) > [I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-seagull-hanging-out-by-a-lake-but-i-said-don-t-worry-dude-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d52/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-saw-a-seagull-hanging-out-by-a-lake-bu_2052043.png) > [I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-tried-to-have-a-cookie-and-this-girl-said-i-m-mailing-those-cookies/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/579/mitch-hedberg-695_cookies_i-tried-to-have-a-cookie-and-this-girl-s_309117.png) > [I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-apples-the-clerk-said-do-you/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e9/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-app_999112.png) > [My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-manager-said-don-t-use-liquor-as-a-crutch-i-can-t-use-liquor-as-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/910/mitch-hedberg-695_crutch_my-manager-said-don-t-use-liquor-as-a-cr_2302609.png) > [I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they-specialized-in-hard-to-find/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f14/mitch-hedberg-695_hard_i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they_2965512.png) > [If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-was-a-mechanic-and-someone-called-me-and-said-their-car-would/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/461/mitch-hedberg-695_car_if-i-was-a-mechanic-and-someone-called-m_1147754.png) > [I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy-who-reads-scripts-and-he-read/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png) > [I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-friend-and-he-said-i-hear-music/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png) > [I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-this-casino-minding-my-own-business-and-this-guy-came-up-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79f/mitch-hedberg-695_business_i-was-at-this-casino-minding-my-own-busi_454796.jpg) > [At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and-asked-to-use-the-phone-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg) > [A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather-is-trippy-i-said-no-man-it-s/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png) > [I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-think-pringles-initial-intention-was-to-make-tennis-balls-but-on-2/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4da/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_i-think-pringles-initial-intention-was-t_1864983.png) > [I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-made-3-000-opening-for-the-neville-brothers-and-they-paid-me-in/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/54a/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-situation_i-made-3-000-opening-for-the-neville-bro_384950.png) > [I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-friend-s-house-he-said-you-ll/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f0/mitch-hedberg-695_damn_i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-frie_2662813.png) > [I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-heavy-metal-concert-the-singer-yelled-out-how-many-of-you/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f2/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_i-went-to-a-heavy-metal-concert-the-sing_1332005.png) > [Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-street-so-i-went-into-subway-and/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png) > [I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-opened-up-a-yogurt-underneath-the-lid-it-said-please-try-again/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/202/mitch-hedberg-695_bottom_i-opened-up-a-yogurt-underneath-the-lid_534659.png) > [I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into-me-and-he-did-not-apologize/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png) > [Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/say-i-was-on-the-craig-kilbourne-show-and-the-next-day-i-flew-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/954/mitch-hedberg-695_airports_say-i-was-on-the-craig-kilbourne-show-an_2544966.png) > [I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png) > [I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-a-restaurant-and-i-ordered-a-chicken-sandwich-but-i-don-t/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/357/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_i-was-at-a-restaurant-and-i-ordered-a-ch_266163.png) > [I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-going-to-get-my-teeth-whitened-but-i-said-i-ll-just-get-a-tan/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bc/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-was-going-to-get-my-teeth-whitened-but_644643.png) > [If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said-that-i-d-be-making-money-in-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/feb/mitch-hedberg-695_dollar_if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said_1971923.png) > [My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-like-mashed-potatoes-i-was-like/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-lik_328983.png) > [I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-job-interview-at-an-insurance-company-once-and-the-lady-said/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/mitch-hedberg-695_asking_i-had-a-job-interview-at-an-insurance-co_1830539.png) > [One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/one-time-a-guy-handed-me-a-picture-he-said-here-s-a-picture-of-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/mitch-hedberg-695_cameras_one-time-a-guy-handed-me-a-picture-he-sa_521124.jpg) > [I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-called-the-hotel-operator-and-she-said-how-can-i-direct-your-call-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afa/mitch-hedberg-695_action_i-called-the-hotel-operator-and-she-said_3153871.png) > [This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/this-one-commercial-said-forget-everything-you-know-about-slipcovers/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49e/mitch-hedberg-695_forget_this-one-commercial-said-forget-everythi_308848.png) > [I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-and-i-saw-a-guy-wearing-a-leather-jacket/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/mitch-hedberg-695_cows_i-went-to-a-restaurant-and-i-saw-a-guy-w_1835124.png) ## Other authors on Said ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "31 Said Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 31, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, \"Pass the salt.\" I said, \"Screw you! 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I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen-banana-i-said-no-but-i-want-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff8/mitch-hedberg-695_banana_my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen_1629237.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff8/mitch-hedberg-695_banana_my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen_1629237.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff8/mitch-hedberg-695_banana_my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen_1629237.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. 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I won't say anything.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-seagull-hanging-out-by-a-lake-but-i-said-don-t-worry-dude-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d52/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-saw-a-seagull-hanging-out-by-a-lake-bu_2052043.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d52/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-saw-a-seagull-hanging-out-by-a-lake-bu_2052043.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d52/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-saw-a-seagull-hanging-out-by-a-lake-bu_2052043.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, \"Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything.\"” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, \"I'm mailing those cookies to my friend.\" So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-tried-to-have-a-cookie-and-this-girl-said-i-m-mailing-those-cookies/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/579/mitch-hedberg-695_cookies_i-tried-to-have-a-cookie-and-this-girl-s_309117.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/579/mitch-hedberg-695_cookies_i-tried-to-have-a-cookie-and-this-girl-s_309117.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/579/mitch-hedberg-695_cookies_i-tried-to-have-a-cookie-and-this-girl-s_309117.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, \"I'm mailing those cookies to my friend.\" So I couldn't have…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, \"Do you want these in a bag?\" I said, \"Oh, no, man, I juggle.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-apples-the-clerk-said-do-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e9/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-app_999112.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e9/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-app_999112.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e9/mitch-hedberg-695_apples_i-went-to-the-store-and-bought-eight-app_999112.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, \"Do you want these in a bag?\" I said, \"Oh, no…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My manager said, \"Don't use liquor as a crutch!\" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-manager-said-don-t-use-liquor-as-a-crutch-i-can-t-use-liquor-as-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/910/mitch-hedberg-695_crutch_my-manager-said-don-t-use-liquor-as-a-cr_2302609.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/910/mitch-hedberg-695_crutch_my-manager-said-don-t-use-liquor-as-a-cr_2302609.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/910/mitch-hedberg-695_crutch_my-manager-said-don-t-use-liquor-as-a-cr_2302609.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My manager said, \"Don't use liquor as a crutch!\" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they-specialized-in-hard-to-find/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f14/mitch-hedberg-695_hard_i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they_2965512.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f14/mitch-hedberg-695_hard_i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they_2965512.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f14/mitch-hedberg-695_hard_i-went-to-a-record-store-they-said-they_2965512.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, \"Hey - maybe a killer is after you!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-was-a-mechanic-and-someone-called-me-and-said-their-car-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/461/mitch-hedberg-695_car_if-i-was-a-mechanic-and-someone-called-m_1147754.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/461/mitch-hedberg-695_car_if-i-was-a-mechanic-and-someone-called-m_1147754.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/461/mitch-hedberg-695_car_if-i-was-a-mechanic-and-someone-called-m_1147754.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, \"Hey - maybe a…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, \"Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy-who-reads-scripts-and-he-read/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-friend-and-he-said-i-hear-music/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e3d/mitch-hedberg-695_body_i-was-walking-down-the-street-with-my-fr_2168890.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-this-casino-minding-my-own-business-and-this-guy-came-up-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79f/mitch-hedberg-695_business_i-was-at-this-casino-minding-my-own-busi_454796.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79f/mitch-hedberg-695_business_i-was-at-this-casino-minding-my-own-busi_454796.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/79f/mitch-hedberg-695_business_i-was-at-this-casino-minding-my-own-busi_454796.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and-asked-to-use-the-phone-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A friend said to me, \"I think the weather is trippy.\" I said, \"No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it.\" And then I realized I just should have said, \"Yeah.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather-is-trippy-i-said-no-man-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8c/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_a-friend-said-to-me-i-think-the-weather_1276693.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A friend said to me, \"I think the weather is trippy.\" I said, \"No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, \"Screw it. Cut 'em up!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-think-pringles-initial-intention-was-to-make-tennis-balls-but-on-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4da/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_i-think-pringles-initial-intention-was-t_1864983.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4da/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_i-think-pringles-initial-intention-was-t_1864983.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4da/mitch-hedberg-695_balls_i-think-pringles-initial-intention-was-t_1864983.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, \"Don't even worry about snakes anymore\". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, \"Lay down!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-made-3-000-opening-for-the-neville-brothers-and-they-paid-me-in/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/54a/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-situation_i-made-3-000-opening-for-the-neville-bro_384950.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/54a/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-situation_i-made-3-000-opening-for-the-neville-bro_384950.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/54a/mitch-hedberg-695_bad-situation_i-made-3-000-opening-for-the-neville-bro_384950.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, \"you'll have to sleep on the floor.\" Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-friend-s-house-he-said-you-ll/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f0/mitch-hedberg-695_damn_i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-frie_2662813.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f0/mitch-hedberg-695_damn_i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-frie_2662813.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f0/mitch-hedberg-695_damn_i-was-going-to-stay-overnight-at-my-frie_2662813.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, \"you'll have to sleep on the floor.\" Damn…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, \"How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?\" And then he said, \"How many of you feel like animals?\" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-heavy-metal-concert-the-singer-yelled-out-how-many-of-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f2/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_i-went-to-a-heavy-metal-concert-the-sing_1332005.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f2/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_i-went-to-a-heavy-metal-concert-the-sing_1332005.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9f2/mitch-hedberg-695_animal_i-went-to-a-heavy-metal-concert-the-sing_1332005.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, \"How many of you people feel like human beings…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-street-so-i-went-into-subway-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_once-i-saw-a-duck-walking-down-the-stree_1845926.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, \"Please try again.\" because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... \"Come on Mitchell, don't give up!\" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-opened-up-a-yogurt-underneath-the-lid-it-said-please-try-again/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/202/mitch-hedberg-695_bottom_i-opened-up-a-yogurt-underneath-the-lid_534659.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/202/mitch-hedberg-695_bottom_i-opened-up-a-yogurt-underneath-the-lid_534659.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/202/mitch-hedberg-695_bottom_i-opened-up-a-yogurt-underneath-the-lid_534659.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, \"Please try again.\" because they were having a contest…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, \"Move!\" I thought that was rude, so I said, \"Go to hell!\" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, \"Hey, you got a lot of nerve!\" I said, \"Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into-me-and-he-did-not-apologize/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, \"Move!\" I thought that…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/say-i-was-on-the-craig-kilbourne-show-and-the-next-day-i-flew-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/954/mitch-hedberg-695_airports_say-i-was-on-the-craig-kilbourne-show-an_2544966.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/954/mitch-hedberg-695_airports_say-i-was-on-the-craig-kilbourne-show-an_2544966.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/954/mitch-hedberg-695_airports_say-i-was-on-the-craig-kilbourne-show-an_2544966.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'.\" That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without-arms-that-s-sad-but-then-they/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce1/mitch-hedberg-695_arms_i-saw-a-lady-on-tv-she-was-born-without_3027108.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, \"Lola does not know the…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, \"How would you like your eggs?\" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, \"Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-a-restaurant-and-i-ordered-a-chicken-sandwich-but-i-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/357/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_i-was-at-a-restaurant-and-i-ordered-a-ch_266163.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/357/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_i-was-at-a-restaurant-and-i-ordered-a-ch_266163.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/357/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_i-was-at-a-restaurant-and-i-ordered-a-ch_266163.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, \"I'll just get a tan instead.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-going-to-get-my-teeth-whitened-but-i-said-i-ll-just-get-a-tan/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bc/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-was-going-to-get-my-teeth-whitened-but_644643.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bc/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-was-going-to-get-my-teeth-whitened-but_644643.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bc/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-was-going-to-get-my-teeth-whitened-but_644643.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, \"I'll just get a tan instead.\"” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said-that-i-d-be-making-money-in-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/feb/mitch-hedberg-695_dollar_if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said_1971923.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/feb/mitch-hedberg-695_dollar_if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said_1971923.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/feb/mitch-hedberg-695_dollar_if-i-had-a-dollar-for-every-time-i-said_1971923.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-like-mashed-potatoes-i-was-like/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-lik_328983.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-lik_328983.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_my-friend-said-to-me-you-know-what-i-lik_328983.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-job-interview-at-an-insurance-company-once-and-the-lady-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/mitch-hedberg-695_asking_i-had-a-job-interview-at-an-insurance-co_1830539.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/mitch-hedberg-695_asking_i-had-a-job-interview-at-an-insurance-co_1830539.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb8/mitch-hedberg-695_asking_i-had-a-job-interview-at-an-insurance-co_1830539.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/one-time-a-guy-handed-me-a-picture-he-said-here-s-a-picture-of-me/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/mitch-hedberg-695_cameras_one-time-a-guy-handed-me-a-picture-he-sa_521124.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/mitch-hedberg-695_cameras_one-time-a-guy-handed-me-a-picture-he-sa_521124.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/mitch-hedberg-695_cameras_one-time-a-guy-handed-me-a-picture-he-sa_521124.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 29, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I called the hotel operator and she said, \"How can I direct your call?\" I said, \"Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-called-the-hotel-operator-and-she-said-how-can-i-direct-your-call-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afa/mitch-hedberg-695_action_i-called-the-hotel-operator-and-she-said_3153871.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afa/mitch-hedberg-695_action_i-called-the-hotel-operator-and-she-said_3153871.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afa/mitch-hedberg-695_action_i-called-the-hotel-operator-and-she-said_3153871.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I called the hotel operator and she said, \"How can I direct your call?\" I said, \"Well, you could say…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "This one commercial said, \"Forget everything you know about slipcovers.\" So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/this-one-commercial-said-forget-everything-you-know-about-slipcovers/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49e/mitch-hedberg-695_forget_this-one-commercial-said-forget-everythi_308848.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49e/mitch-hedberg-695_forget_this-one-commercial-said-forget-everythi_308848.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/49e/mitch-hedberg-695_forget_this-one-commercial-said-forget-everythi_308848.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This one commercial said, \"Forget everything you know about slipcovers.\" So I did, and it was a load off of…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 31, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, \"Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-and-i-saw-a-guy-wearing-a-leather-jacket/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/mitch-hedberg-695_cows_i-went-to-a-restaurant-and-i-saw-a-guy-w_1835124.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/mitch-hedberg-695_cows_i-went-to-a-restaurant-and-i-saw-a-guy-w_1835124.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/mitch-hedberg-695_cows_i-went-to-a-restaurant-and-i-saw-a-guy-w_1835124.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/mitch-hedberg/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/mitch-hedberg/", "name": "Said Quotes by Mitch Hedberg", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/mitch-hedberg-695_friendship_i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-an_85207.png" }, "description": "31 Said quotes by Mitch Hedberg. 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