--- title: "25 Said Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "25 Said quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Said sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/jack-handey-829_arms_once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-gu_3002363.jpg" --- > [Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-guy-came-up-to-me-and-said-hey/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/jack-handey-829_arms_once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-gu_3002363.jpg) > [Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/marta-said-i-don-t-seem-to-like-to-read-fiction-very-much-i-guess-you/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06e/jack-handey-829_books_marta-said-i-don-t-seem-to-like-to-read_1833173.jpg) > [If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg) > [If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-party-here-s-a-good-thing-to/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-p_1291714.jpg) > [Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/marta-was-watching-the-football-game-with-me-when-she-said-you-know/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg) > [Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-to-me-like-the-other-day-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg) > [When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-age-of-the-vikings-came-to-a-close-they-must-have-sensed-it/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d7/jack-handey-829_age_when-the-age-of-the-vikings-came-to-a-cl_863640.jpg) > [I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-remember-one-day-i-was-at-grandpa-s-farm-and-i-asked-him-about-sex/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-remember-one-day-i-was-at-grandpa-s-fa_952067.jpg) > [The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-big-huge-meteor-headed-toward-the-earth-could-nothing-stop-it/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1c/jack-handey-829_bigs_the-big-huge-meteor-headed-toward-the-ea_1828166.jpg) > [I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-guess-more-bad-things-have-been-done-in-the-name-of-progress-than/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f3/jack-handey-829_bad-thing_i-guess-more-bad-things-have-been-done-i_1852015.jpg) > [One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for-instance-i-was-going-to-take/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg) > [I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-remember-how-the-other-kids-used-to-say-that-old-mister-swenson-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b31/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-remember-how-the-other-kids-used-to-sa_454746.jpg) > [Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta-said-something-that-really/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg) > [I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice-where-nick-was-waiting-that/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e11/jack-handey-829_climbs_i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice_683829.jpg) > [If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead-of-carrying-a-six-gun-in-my/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg) > [One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great we are going to be rich." But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-day-my-friend-called-and-said-i-found-jesus-and-my-response-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fa/jack-handey-829_christianity_one-day-my-friend-called-and-said-i-foun_681936.jpg) > [I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-all-shot-him-we-all-skinned/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg) > [As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-rocks-martha/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/604/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-sa_1821129.jpg) > [I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-m-just-guessing-but-probably-one-of-the-early-signs-that-your/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ea/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-m-just-guessing-but-probably-one-of-th_2066282.jpg) > [If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d-clean-up-my-cell-real-neat/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df7/jack-handey-829_aspect_why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everyt_86230.jpg) > [The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-old-pool-shooter-has-won-many-a-game-in-his-life-but-now-it-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c2/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-old-pool-shooter-has-won-many-a-game_2590482.jpg) > [Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/too-bad-lassie-didn-t-know-how-to-ice-skate-because-then-if-she-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_too-bad-lassie-didn-t-know-how-to-ice-sk_206541.jpg) > [When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-who-i-liked-better-monet-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg) ## Other authors on Said ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "25 Said Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 25, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-guy-came-up-to-me-and-said-hey/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/jack-handey-829_arms_once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-gu_3002363.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/jack-handey-829_arms_once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-gu_3002363.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/jack-handey-829_arms_once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-gu_3002363.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' 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For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/marta-said-i-don-t-seem-to-like-to-read-fiction-very-much-i-guess-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06e/jack-handey-829_books_marta-said-i-don-t-seem-to-like-to-read_1833173.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06e/jack-handey-829_books_marta-said-i-don-t-seem-to-like-to-read_1833173.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06e/jack-handey-829_books_marta-said-i-don-t-seem-to-like-to-read_1833173.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. \"I guess you're not an 'afictionado',\" she said…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, \"A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!\" and point to another father.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, \"Well, technically that's illegal.\" It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-party-here-s-a-good-thing-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-p_1291714.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-p_1291714.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b9e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-want-to-be-the-popular-one-at-a-p_1291714.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, \"You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.\" \"Yeah,\" I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/marta-was-watching-the-football-game-with-me-when-she-said-you-know/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb7/jack-handey-829_ball-game_marta-was-watching-the-football-game-wit_349964.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, \"You know, most of these sports are based on the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, \"Well, maybe,\" Man, whose side is she on, anyway?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-to-me-like-the-other-day-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, \"Hey, good job.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-age-of-the-vikings-came-to-a-close-they-must-have-sensed-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d7/jack-handey-829_age_when-the-age-of-the-vikings-came-to-a-cl_863640.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d7/jack-handey-829_age_when-the-age-of-the-vikings-came-to-a-cl_863640.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d7/jack-handey-829_age_when-the-age-of-the-vikings-came-to-a-cl_863640.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, \"Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.\" So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-remember-one-day-i-was-at-grandpa-s-farm-and-i-asked-him-about-sex/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-remember-one-day-i-was-at-grandpa-s-fa_952067.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-remember-one-day-i-was-at-grandpa-s-fa_952067.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-remember-one-day-i-was-at-grandpa-s-fa_952067.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, \"Maybe…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor-through some kind of space warp or something. \"Go, Bob, go!\" yelled one of the generals. \"Give me that!\" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. \"Listen, Bob,\" he said. \"You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth.\" \"Yes, but how?\" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-big-huge-meteor-headed-toward-the-earth-could-nothing-stop-it/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1c/jack-handey-829_bigs_the-big-huge-meteor-headed-toward-the-ea_1828166.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1c/jack-handey-829_bigs_the-big-huge-meteor-headed-toward-the-ea_1828166.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1c/jack-handey-829_bigs_the-big-huge-meteor-headed-toward-the-ea_1828166.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, \"Hey, progress.\" Boy, did I have a lot to learn.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-guess-more-bad-things-have-been-done-in-the-name-of-progress-than/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f3/jack-handey-829_bad-thing_i-guess-more-bad-things-have-been-done-i_1852015.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f3/jack-handey-829_bad-thing_i-guess-more-bad-things-have-been-done-i_1852015.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6f3/jack-handey-829_bad-thing_i-guess-more-bad-things-have-been-done-i_1852015.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. \"Oh, no,\" I said, \"Disneyland burned down.\" He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for-instance-i-was-going-to-take/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be \"Clark Kent, Dentist,\" because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, \"How's my back tooth?\" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, \"Oh it's okay,\" then the patient would probably say, \"Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?\" and you'd say, \"Aw, get outta here,\" and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be \"Clark Kent, Dentist,\" because…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. \"THAT'S MISTER SWENSON,\" they said. Oh, my mistake.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-remember-how-the-other-kids-used-to-say-that-old-mister-swenson-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b31/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-remember-how-the-other-kids-used-to-sa_454746.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b31/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-remember-how-the-other-kids-used-to-sa_454746.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b31/jack-handey-829_bigs_i-remember-how-the-other-kids-used-to-sa_454746.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, \"I love carrots.\" \"Good,\" I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. \"Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!\" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta-said-something-that-really/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, \"I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. \"That was fun,\" I said. \"You bet it was,\" said Nick. \"Let's climb higher.\" \"No,\" I said. \"I think we should be heading back now.\" \"We have time,\" Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice-where-nick-was-waiting-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e11/jack-handey-829_climbs_i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice_683829.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e11/jack-handey-829_climbs_i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice_683829.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e11/jack-handey-829_climbs_i-scrambled-to-the-top-of-the-precipice_683829.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. \"That was fun,\" I said. \"You bet it was,\"…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, \"Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!\" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, \"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.\" Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead-of-carrying-a-six-gun-in-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One day my friend called and said, \"I FOUND JESUS!\" and my response was \"Great we are going to be rich.\" But it turned out to be something completely different.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-day-my-friend-called-and-said-i-found-jesus-and-my-response-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fa/jack-handey-829_christianity_one-day-my-friend-called-and-said-i-foun_681936.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fa/jack-handey-829_christianity_one-day-my-friend-called-and-said-i-foun_681936.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8fa/jack-handey-829_christianity_one-day-my-friend-called-and-said-i-foun_681936.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One day my friend called and said, \"I FOUND JESUS!\" and my response was \"Great we are going to be rich.\" But…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, \"I helped skin Bob.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-all-shot-him-we-all-skinned/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_bob_i-guess-we-were-all-guilty-in-a-way-we-a_3103458.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, \"Watch for Rocks.\" Martha said it should read \"Watch for Pretty Rocks.\" I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-rocks-martha/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/604/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-sa_1821129.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/604/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-sa_1821129.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/604/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_as-we-were-driving-we-saw-a-sign-that-sa_1821129.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, \"Watch for Rocks.\" Martha said it should read \"Watch for Pretty…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call \"image fuzz-out.\" But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-m-just-guessing-but-probably-one-of-the-early-signs-that-your/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ea/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-m-just-guessing-but-probably-one-of-th_2066282.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ea/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-m-just-guessing-but-probably-one-of-th_2066282.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ea/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_i-m-just-guessing-but-probably-one-of-th_2066282.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, \"Injection? I thought you said 'inspection'.\" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d-clean-up-my-cell-real-neat/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df7/jack-handey-829_aspect_why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everyt_86230.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df7/jack-handey-829_aspect_why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everyt_86230.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/df7/jack-handey-829_aspect_why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everyt_86230.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. \"Sorry,\" he said with a smile.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-old-pool-shooter-has-won-many-a-game-in-his-life-but-now-it-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c2/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-old-pool-shooter-has-won-many-a-game_2590482.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c2/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-old-pool-shooter-has-won-many-a-game_2590482.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9c2/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-old-pool-shooter-has-won-many-a-game_2590482.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said \"Lassie, go skate for help,\" she could do it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/too-bad-lassie-didn-t-know-how-to-ice-skate-because-then-if-she-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_too-bad-lassie-didn-t-know-how-to-ice-sk_206541.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_too-bad-lassie-didn-t-know-how-to-ice-sk_206541.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_too-bad-lassie-didn-t-know-how-to-ice-sk_206541.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, \"I like mayonnaise.\" She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-who-i-liked-better-monet-or/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29d/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_when-this-girl-at-the-museum-asked-me-wh_218058.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, \"I like mayonnaise.\" She…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/jack-handey/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/jack-handey/", "name": "Said Quotes by Jack Handey", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/jack-handey/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/341/jack-handey-829_arms_once-while-walking-through-the-mall-a-gu_3002363.jpg" }, "description": "25 Said quotes by Jack Handey. 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