--- title: "25 Said Quotes By Emo Philips" description: "25 Said quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Said sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/emo-philips-1788_always_always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-gra_2021921.png" --- > [Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-grandfather-who-said-a-truck/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/emo-philips-1788_always_always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-gra_2021921.png) > [My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-girlfriend-said-just-buy-me-something-crazy-and-expensive/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/81f/emo-philips-1788_crazy_my-girlfriend-said-just-buy-me-something_3209313.png) > [I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-went-into-the-gas-station-said-fill-er-up-harry-the-guy-said/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/292/emo-philips-1788_fairy_i-went-into-the-gas-station-said-fill-er_1793598.png) > [My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-sister-married-a-german-he-complained-he-couldn-t-get-a-good-bagel/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff4/emo-philips-1788_back-home_my-sister-married-a-german-he-complained_1500897.png) > [My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you-a-lemon-make-lemonade-plus/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png) > [The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and-said-didn-t-i-see-you-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png) > [I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-a-cute-baby-my-mom-said-when-i-was-born-they-threw-away-the/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dca/emo-philips-1788_baby_i-was-a-cute-baby-my-mom-said-when-i-was_1097025.png) > [My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-girlfriend-said-emo-i-m-seeing-another-man-i-said-well-try-rubbing/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/224/emo-philips-1788_another-man_my-girlfriend-said-emo-i-m-seeing-anothe_3047663.png) > [A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-coffee-i-said-a-cup-of-coffee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going-2/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b1/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_336851.jpg) > [Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-falling-in-love-it-can-hit-you/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png) > [I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thought-i-had-depression-it-cost/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg) > [There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/there-s-a-joke-in-everything-the-trick-is-finding-it-the-best/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51e/emo-philips-1788_biology_there-s-a-joke-in-everything-the-trick-i_1818064.png) > [The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-other-night-the-president-gave-a-speech-he-said-children-are-our/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/emo-philips-1788_children_the-other-night-the-president-gave-a-spe_990433.png) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png) > [I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png) > [I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png) > [I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-ran-five-miles-today-then-finally-i-said-here-lady-take-your-purse/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff6/emo-philips-1788_five_i-ran-five-miles-today-then-finally-i-sa_1958162.png) > [I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-my-girlfriend-will-you-marry-me-she-said-we-ll-have-to-ask-my/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/832/emo-philips-1788_father_i-asked-my-girlfriend-will-you-marry-me_2695218.png) > [New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-although-i-was-at-the-library-today/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png) > [I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go-onstage-during-the-next-break/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png) > [The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i-owed-800-i-said-if-you-ll/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png) > [My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-dad-and-i-we-used-to-play-baseball-i-was-the-catcher-which-i-liked/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cfb/emo-philips-1788_ankles_my-dad-and-i-we-used-to-play-baseball-i_2568669.png) > [I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-took-my-grandmother-to-the-emergency-room-the-doctor-said-that-she/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/emo-philips-1788_artificial_i-took-my-grandmother-to-the-emergency-r_1904628.jpg) ## Other authors on Said ## More by Emo Philips > [Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/once-i-was-in-a-restaurant-and-i-dropped-my-fork-on-the-floor-and/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-give-money-to-unicef-because-i-like-the-bang-for-your-buck-aspect/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/libertarians-believe-consenting-adults-have-the-right-to-do-whatever/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/he-taught-me-never-to-smile-which-helps-me-when-i-visit-disaster-sites/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-way-i-understand-it-the-russians-are-sort-of-a-combination-of/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-like-to-play-chess-with-bald-men-in-the-park-although-it-s-hard-to/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-computers-get-too-powerful-we-can-organize-them-into-a-committee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-don-t-appreciate-a-lot-of-stuff-in-school-until-you-get-older/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/emo-philips/#itemlist", "name": "25 Said Quotes By Emo Philips", "numberOfItems": 25, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-grandfather-who-said-a-truck/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/emo-philips-1788_always_always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-gra_2021921.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/emo-philips-1788_always_always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-gra_2021921.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/emo-philips-1788_always_always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-gra_2021921.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! 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Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you-a-lemon-make-lemonade-plus/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1ed/emo-philips-1788_dad_my-dad-always-said-if-someone-hands-you_2221592.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 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You can't see out the other way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and-said-didn-t-i-see-you-on/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4a/emo-philips-1788_knows_the-other-day-a-woman-came-up-to-me-and_1704810.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-a-cute-baby-my-mom-said-when-i-was-born-they-threw-away-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dca/emo-philips-1788_baby_i-was-a-cute-baby-my-mom-said-when-i-was_1097025.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dca/emo-philips-1788_baby_i-was-a-cute-baby-my-mom-said-when-i-was_1097025.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dca/emo-philips-1788_baby_i-was-a-cute-baby-my-mom-said-when-i-was_1097025.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. 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I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-girlfriend-said-emo-i-m-seeing-another-man-i-said-well-try-rubbing/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/224/emo-philips-1788_another-man_my-girlfriend-said-emo-i-m-seeing-anothe_3047663.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/224/emo-philips-1788_another-man_my-girlfriend-said-emo-i-m-seeing-anothe_3047663.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/224/emo-philips-1788_another-man_my-girlfriend-said-emo-i-m-seeing-anothe_3047663.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. 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I said, \"A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.\" He said, \"Like what?\" I said, \"Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-coffee-i-said-a-cup-of-coffee/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, \"A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, \"I'm going to mop the floor with your face.\" I said, \"You'll be sorry.\" He said, \"Oh, yeah? Why?\" I said, \"Well, how are you going to get into the corners?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, \"I'm going to mop the floor with your face.\" I…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b1/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_336851.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b1/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_336851.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b1/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_336851.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-falling-in-love-it-can-hit-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thought-i-had-depression-it-cost/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ffd/emo-philips-1788_bills_i-saw-a-psychologist-once-because-i-thou_3024744.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/there-s-a-joke-in-everything-the-trick-is-finding-it-the-best/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51e/emo-philips-1788_biology_there-s-a-joke-in-everything-the-trick-i_1818064.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51e/emo-philips-1788_biology_there-s-a-joke-in-everything-the-trick-i_1818064.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51e/emo-philips-1788_biology_there-s-a-joke-in-everything-the-trick-i_1818064.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, \"children are our most prescious natural resource\". I thought, \"let's hope it never comes to that\".", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-other-night-the-president-gave-a-speech-he-said-children-are-our/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/emo-philips-1788_children_the-other-night-the-president-gave-a-spe_990433.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/emo-philips-1788_children_the-other-night-the-president-gave-a-spe_990433.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/emo-philips-1788_children_the-other-night-the-president-gave-a-spe_990433.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, \"children are our most prescious natural resource\". I…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c79/emo-philips-1788_clip_i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i_204359.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. 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So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/342/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-discovered-my-wife-in-bed-with-another_2327151.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. 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So I said, \"Get off of me, you two!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, \"Get off of me, you two!\"” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-ran-five-miles-today-then-finally-i-said-here-lady-take-your-purse/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff6/emo-philips-1788_five_i-ran-five-miles-today-then-finally-i-sa_1958162.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff6/emo-philips-1788_five_i-ran-five-miles-today-then-finally-i-sa_1958162.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff6/emo-philips-1788_five_i-ran-five-miles-today-then-finally-i-sa_1958162.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I ran five miles today. 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So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-my-girlfriend-will-you-marry-me-she-said-we-ll-have-to-ask-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/832/emo-philips-1788_father_i-asked-my-girlfriend-will-you-marry-me_2695218.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/832/emo-philips-1788_father_i-asked-my-girlfriend-will-you-marry-me_2695218.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/832/emo-philips-1788_father_i-asked-my-girlfriend-will-you-marry-me_2695218.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, \"I'd like a card.\" He says, \"You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.\" So I stabbed him.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-although-i-was-at-the-library-today/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, \"I'd…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go-onstage-during-the-next-break/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/102/emo-philips-1788_break_i-asked-the-head-musician-if-i-could-go_1033803.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i-owed-800-i-said-if-you-ll/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27a/emo-philips-1788_clip_the-irs-sent-back-my-tax-return-saying-i_1928570.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-dad-and-i-we-used-to-play-baseball-i-was-the-catcher-which-i-liked/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cfb/emo-philips-1788_ankles_my-dad-and-i-we-used-to-play-baseball-i_2568669.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cfb/emo-philips-1788_ankles_my-dad-and-i-we-used-to-play-baseball-i_2568669.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cfb/emo-philips-1788_ankles_my-dad-and-i-we-used-to-play-baseball-i_2568669.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, \"we've never had a democrat in the family before\".", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-took-my-grandmother-to-the-emergency-room-the-doctor-said-that-she/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/emo-philips-1788_artificial_i-took-my-grandmother-to-the-emergency-r_1904628.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/emo-philips-1788_artificial_i-took-my-grandmother-to-the-emergency-r_1904628.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/emo-philips-1788_artificial_i-took-my-grandmother-to-the-emergency-r_1904628.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I took my grandmother to the emergency room. 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