---
title: "21 Said Quotes By Demetri Martin"
description: "21 Said quotes by Demetri Martin. Plus more from Demetri Martin and more Said sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/971/demetri-martin-511_said_i-saw-a-transvestite-wearing-a-t-shirt-t_2825532.jpg"
---

> [I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-saw-a-transvestite-wearing-a-t-shirt-that-said-guess/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/971/demetri-martin-511_said_i-saw-a-transvestite-wearing-a-t-shirt-t_2825532.jpg)

> [I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-went-into-a-clothing-store-and-the-lady-asked-me-what-size-i-was-i/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/819/demetri-martin-511_clothings_i-went-into-a-clothing-store-and-the-lad_1056737.jpg)

> [I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-bought-a-dictionary-first-thing-i-did-was-i-looked-up-the-word/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/283/demetri-martin-511_dictionary_i-bought-a-dictionary-first-thing-i-did_1878337.jpg)

> [Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/timing-is-everything-that-s-a-cliche-now-if-i-d-said-that-a-long-time/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/966/demetri-martin-511_cliche_timing-is-everything-that-s-a-cliche-now_1703720.jpg)

> [It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bless-you-not-just-when-you/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/demetri-martin-511_being-nice_it-would-be-nice-if-people-said-god-bles_1057733.jpg)

> [I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-children-i-was-like-that-sounds-like/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/407/demetri-martin-511_children_i-saw-a-sign-that-said-watch-for-childre_1178165.jpg)

> [I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-walking-in-the-park-and-this-guy-waved-at-me-then-he-said-i-m/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e6c/demetri-martin-511_funny_i-was-walking-in-the-park-and-this-guy-w_1380704.jpg)

> [I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-wrapped-my-christmas-presents-early-this-year-but-i-used-the-wrong/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e8/demetri-martin-511_birthday_i-wrapped-my-christmas-presents-early-th_1830549.jpg)

> [I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-saw-a-door-that-said-exit-only-so-i-entered-through-it-and-went-up/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efd/demetri-martin-511_doors_i-saw-a-door-that-said-exit-only-so-i-en_867156.jpg)

> [I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-ordered-a-wake-up-call-the-other-day-the-phone-rang-and-a-woman-s/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ab/demetri-martin-511_funny-good-morning_i-ordered-a-wake-up-call-the-other-day-t_503894.jpg)

> [I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-eating-some-candy-and-looked-on-the-wrapper-and-it-said-made/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee5/demetri-martin-511_artificial_i-was-eating-some-candy-and-looked-on-th_1123966.jpg)

> [I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-wonder-what-the-most-intelligent-thing-ever-said-was-that-started/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cd6/demetri-martin-511_fine_i-wonder-what-the-most-intelligent-thing_655738.jpg)

> [I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-set-a-personal-record-on-christmas-i-got-my-shopping-done-three/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/30f/demetri-martin-511_ahead-of-time_i-set-a-personal-record-on-christmas-i-g_2297865.jpg)

> [I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-seeing-this-girl-and-she-wanted-to-get-more-serious-but-i-wasn/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/182/demetri-martin-511_comedy_i-was-seeing-this-girl-and-she-wanted-to_646884.jpg)

> [I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-writing-a-ransom-note-on-your/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5a/demetri-martin-511_being-cool_i-think-it-would-be-cool-if-you-were-wri_2453369.jpg)

> [I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-was-stuck-in-traffic-and-i-looked-in-the-mirror-and-in-the-car/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/147/demetri-martin-511_argument_i-was-stuck-in-traffic-and-i-looked-in-t_2374685.jpg)

> [It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/it-s-weird-to-make-a-decision-where-everyone-in-your-life-disapproves/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/deb/demetri-martin-511_answers_it-s-weird-to-make-a-decision-where-ever_1625199.jpg)

> [I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-like-women-but-you-can-t-always-trust-them-some-of-them-are-big/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/125/demetri-martin-511_always_i-like-women-but-you-can-t-always-trust_1986755.jpg)

> [When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-i-first-heard-the-term-training-bra-i-was-freaked-out-i-was/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e65/demetri-martin-511_boobs_when-i-first-heard-the-term-training-bra_463659.jpg)

> [Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/sometimes-if-i-really-want-to-get-someone-s-attention-i-ll-start-a/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7eb/demetri-martin-511_attention_sometimes-if-i-really-want-to-get-someon_1226330.jpg)

> [I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-love-women-but-i-feel-like-you-can-t-trust-some-of-them-some-of/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cff/demetri-martin-511_cute_i-love-women-but-i-feel-like-you-can-t-t_2795263.jpg)

## Other authors on Said

## More by Demetri Martin

> [I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-hair-gel-was-invented-to-make-it-easier-to-identify-assholes/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/tic-tacs-are-the-maracas-of-breath-mints/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/when-someone-describes-themself-as-a-taxpayer-they-re-about-to-be-an/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I think they named the orange before the carrot.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-they-named-the-orange-before-the-carrot/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-like-to-go-to-concerts-because-i-love-to-see-my-favorite-band/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/how-fast-does-a-zebra-have-to-run-before-it-looks-gray/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/skiing-is-my-favorite-sport-because-that-s-the-only-sport-that-is/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-know-about-woodstock-probably-as-much-as-your-average-person-who-is/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/never-be-less-interesting-than-your-refrigerator-magnets/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-bought-a-cactus-a-week-later-it-died-and-i-got-depressed-because-i/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/a-wednesday-with-no-rain-is-a-dry-hump-day/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/thing-to-try-if-you-are-asked-to-describe-a-suspect-to-a-police/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/if-you-happen-to-catch-on-fire-during-the-show-do-not-panic-or-wave/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/they-say-that-structure-is-freedom-and-in-a-sense-it-is-when-you-re/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

> [I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/demetri-martin/i-think-my-favorite-sound-is-the-sound-of-someone-not-playing-the/)

[Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/demetri-martin/)

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                        "text": "I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'",
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                        "text": "I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.",
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                        "text": "I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said \"I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.\"",
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                        "text": "I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'",
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                        "text": "I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.",
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                        "text": "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'",
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                        "text": "I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.",
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                        "text": "I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.",
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                        "text": "I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'",
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                        "text": "I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said \"Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear\". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.",
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                        "text": "It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, \"You've got one year left. Just do it.\" I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, \"Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?\" And I said, \"You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time.\"",
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                        "text": "I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!",
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                        "text": "When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.",
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                        "text": "Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, \"I'm not racist, but...\" I say, \"I'm not racist, but you look great today.\" They say, \"That wasn't racist at all.\" I said, \"I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.\"",
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                        "text": "I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.",
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