--- title: "10 Said Quotes By Bill Engvall" description: "10 Said quotes by Bill Engvall. Plus more from Bill Engvall and more Said sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb9/bill-engvall-8106_dad_yesterday-my-son-was-out-in-the-yard-pla_1374272.jpg" --- > [Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/yesterday-my-son-was-out-in-the-yard-playing-with-his-friend-and-he/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb9/bill-engvall-8106_dad_yesterday-my-son-was-out-in-the-yard-pla_1374272.jpg) > [I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-shot-me-a-nice-deer-and-i-hung-it-on-the-den-wall-in-my-house-my/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e70/bill-engvall-8106_deer_i-shot-me-a-nice-deer-and-i-hung-it-on-t_1781999.jpg) > [God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he-made-boobs-he-must-ve/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4fb/bill-engvall-8106_boobs_god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he_315543.jpg) > [I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-and-said-baby-you-aint-gonna/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d2/bill-engvall-8106_airplane_i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-an_2213525.jpg) > [One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/one-day-i-locked-my-keys-in-my-car-and-as-i-was-standing-there-with-a/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/575/bill-engvall-8106_beats_one-day-i-locked-my-keys-in-my-car-and-a_2869718.jpg) > [I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew-and-asked-him-i-don-t-want-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg) > [This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.'…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-and-he-says-you-like-baseball/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/737/bill-engvall-8106_arguing_this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-a_1581940.jpg) > [Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my-truck-into-one-of-those-side/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a35/bill-engvall-8106_driving_last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my_2649273.jpg) > [God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-when-it-happened-man-i-used-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg) > [Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything-on-my-list-and-went-up-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6d/bill-engvall-8106_bags_went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything_153454.jpg) ## Other authors on Said ## More by Bill Engvall > [I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-am-out-in-public-and-using-the-phone-i-am-in-a-phone-booth-got-the/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-go-what-is-it-and-she-goes-we-re-going-on-a-shark-feeding-frenzy/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ketchup-is-great-on-hamburgers-but-if-some-gets-on-your-shirt-that/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/ma-am-when-i-got-up-this-morning-i-didn-t-want-to-be-jackass-you-just/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything-on-my-list-and-went-up-to/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [“its a dork fish”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/its-a-dork-fish/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-watching-one-of-those-animal-shows-on-the-discovery-channel/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-about-decided-if-it-wasn-t-for-the-sex-i-could-be-gay-hell-then/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/he-knows-all-the-golf-lingo-you-know-you-hit-your-ball-he-s-like/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-was-havin-himself-a-good-day-when-he-made-boobs-he-must-ve/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/remember-greed-is-a-bad-color-on-a-person/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-traveling-down-the-road-with-a-buddy-and-there-s-a-guy-driving/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/it-s-like-before-my-wife-and-i-moved-our-house-was-full-of-boxes-and/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-was-always-the-class-clown-and-over-time-became-very-good-at-it-i/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) > [I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-ve-never-read-a-kayak-manual-but-i-m-pretty-sure-page-one-says-use/) [Bill Engvall](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bill-engvall/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/said/bill-engvall/#itemlist", "name": "10 Said Quotes By Bill Engvall", "numberOfItems": 10, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, \"Hey... We don't hit\". 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I said nope, santa was makin one last run..", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-and-said-baby-you-aint-gonna/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d2/bill-engvall-8106_airplane_i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-an_2213525.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d2/bill-engvall-8106_airplane_i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-an_2213525.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d2/bill-engvall-8106_airplane_i-called-my-wife-up-on-the-cell-phone-an_2213525.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. 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He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew-and-asked-him-i-don-t-want-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e85/bill-engvall-8106_doe_i-called-my-pilot-2-weeks-before-i-flew_3117609.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.' So he goes 'Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?' Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said 'did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?' He left.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-and-he-says-you-like-baseball/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/737/bill-engvall-8106_arguing_this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-a_1581940.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/737/bill-engvall-8106_arguing_this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-a_1581940.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/737/bill-engvall-8106_arguing_this-guy-from-l-a-sits-down-next-to-me-a_1581940.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my-truck-into-one-of-those-side/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a35/bill-engvall-8106_driving_last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my_2649273.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a35/bill-engvall-8106_driving_last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my_2649273.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a35/bill-engvall-8106_driving_last-time-i-had-a-flat-tire-i-pulled-my_2649273.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: \"When you gonna wear these for me?\" She goes, \"I can't. They're your daughter's.\" \"Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!\" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-when-it-happened-man-i-used-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e2/bill-engvall-8106_daughter_god-she-s-growing-up-and-i-don-t-know-wh_765448.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and…” — Bill Engvall", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Bill Engvall" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bill-engvall/went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything-on-my-list-and-went-up-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6d/bill-engvall-8106_bags_went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything_153454.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6d/bill-engvall-8106_bags_went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything_153454.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6d/bill-engvall-8106_bags_went-to-the-grocery-store-got-everything_153454.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. 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