--- title: "31 Real Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "31 Real quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Real sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg" --- > [It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world-s-most-feared-diseases-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg) > [If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-work-on-a-lobster-boat-sneaking-up-behind-someone-and-pinching/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-work-on-a-lobster-boat-sneaking-u_2985037.jpg) > [You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-know-what-would-make-a-good-story-something-about-a-clown-who/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bac/jack-handey-829_clown_you-know-what-would-make-a-good-story-so_435335.jpg) > [I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-be-a-real-happy-guy-i-ll-just/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg) > [If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-ever-get-rich-i-hope-i-m-not-real-mean-to-poor-people-like-i-am/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be3/jack-handey-829_funny_if-i-ever-get-rich-i-hope-i-m-not-real-m_2724111.jpg) > [Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/too-bad-you-can-t-buy-a-voodoo-globe-so-that-you-could-make-the-earth/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/07b/jack-handey-829_earth_too-bad-you-can-t-buy-a-voodoo-globe-so_491867.jpg) > [When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-to-be-an-olympic-athlete/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg) > [You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-know-how-to-paint-a-room-real-fast-just-put-paint-rollers-on-your/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/jack-handey-829_artist_you-know-how-to-paint-a-room-real-fast-j_2833911.jpg) > [Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-of-the-time-it-was-probably-real-bad-being-stuck-down-in-a/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/040/jack-handey-829_boys_most-of-the-time-it-was-probably-real-ba_1961255.jpg) > [If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg) > [To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/to-me-truth-is-not-some-vague-foggy-notion-truth-is-real-and-at-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d9b/jack-handey-829_bigs_to-me-truth-is-not-some-vague-foggy-noti_2046710.jpg) > [If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-real-embarrassing-to-put/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-rea_1787952.jpg) > [I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-would-be-a-chocolate-revolver/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg) > [Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-to-me-like-the-other-day-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg) > [If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-person-in-your-class-whenever-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ad/jack-handey-829_bigs_if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-perso_1068962.jpg) > [One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for-instance-i-was-going-to-take/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg) > [I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea-of-god-is-pretty-different-i/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg) > [The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor-so-none-of-the-children-had/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg) > [Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-one-that-needs-a-direct-hit/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af5/jack-handey-829_balance_life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-o_583070.jpg) > [Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta-said-something-that-really/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg) > [If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead-of-carrying-a-six-gun-in-my/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg) > [If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and-we-show-them-our/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afe/jack-handey-829_aliens_if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and_2514969.jpg) > [One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-day-one-of-my-little-nephews-came-up-to-me-and-asked-me-if-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab8/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_one-day-one-of-my-little-nephews-came-up_944640.jpg) > [I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-real-mad-when-someone-says/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg) > [If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-just-go-real-limp-because-maybe/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg) > [If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a-real-embarrassing-thing/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg) > [It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-funny-that-pirates-were-always-going-around-searching-for/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/jack-handey-829_creating_it-s-funny-that-pirates-were-always-goin_365254.jpg) > [Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/isn-t-it-funny-how-one-minute-life-can-be-such-a-struggle-and-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_isn-t-it-funny-how-one-minute-life-can-b_2976808.jpg) > [If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d-clean-up-my-cell-real-neat/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg) > [A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-from-killing-your-monster-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg) > [When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-speaker-as-a-former-illegal/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg) ## Other authors on Real ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/real/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "31 Real Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 31, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world-s-most-feared-diseases-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-work-on-a-lobster-boat-sneaking-up-behind-someone-and-pinching/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-work-on-a-lobster-boat-sneaking-u_2985037.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-work-on-a-lobster-boat-sneaking-u_2985037.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc4/jack-handey-829_behinds_if-you-work-on-a-lobster-boat-sneaking-u_2985037.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-know-what-would-make-a-good-story-something-about-a-clown-who/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bac/jack-handey-829_clown_you-know-what-would-make-a-good-story-so_435335.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bac/jack-handey-829_clown_you-know-what-would-make-a-good-story-so_435335.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bac/jack-handey-829_clown_you-know-what-would-make-a-good-story-so_435335.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-be-a-real-happy-guy-i-ll-just/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/22e/jack-handey-829_being-real_i-think-my-new-thing-will-be-to-try-to-b_2985800.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-ever-get-rich-i-hope-i-m-not-real-mean-to-poor-people-like-i-am/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be3/jack-handey-829_funny_if-i-ever-get-rich-i-hope-i-m-not-real-m_2724111.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be3/jack-handey-829_funny_if-i-ever-get-rich-i-hope-i-m-not-real-m_2724111.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be3/jack-handey-829_funny_if-i-ever-get-rich-i-hope-i-m-not-real-m_2724111.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/too-bad-you-can-t-buy-a-voodoo-globe-so-that-you-could-make-the-earth/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/07b/jack-handey-829_earth_too-bad-you-can-t-buy-a-voodoo-globe-so_491867.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/07b/jack-handey-829_earth_too-bad-you-can-t-buy-a-voodoo-globe-so_491867.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/07b/jack-handey-829_earth_too-bad-you-can-t-buy-a-voodoo-globe-so_491867.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-to-be-an-olympic-athlete/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/jack-handey-829_armageddon_when-armageddon-comes-it-would-be-good-t_2338622.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/you-know-how-to-paint-a-room-real-fast-just-put-paint-rollers-on-your/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/jack-handey-829_artist_you-know-how-to-paint-a-room-real-fast-j_2833911.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/jack-handey-829_artist_you-know-how-to-paint-a-room-real-fast-j_2833911.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf2/jack-handey-829_artist_you-know-how-to-paint-a-room-real-fast-j_2833911.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, \"Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-of-the-time-it-was-probably-real-bad-being-stuck-down-in-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/040/jack-handey-829_boys_most-of-the-time-it-was-probably-real-ba_1961255.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/040/jack-handey-829_boys_most-of-the-time-it-was-probably-real-ba_1961255.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/040/jack-handey-829_boys_most-of-the-time-it-was-probably-real-ba_1961255.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, \"A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!\" and point to another father.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and-the-nurse-came-out-and-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d1/jack-handey-829_congratulations_if-i-was-a-father-in-a-waiting-room-and_794168.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big \"thing.\" This is truth, to me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/to-me-truth-is-not-some-vague-foggy-notion-truth-is-real-and-at-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d9b/jack-handey-829_bigs_to-me-truth-is-not-some-vague-foggy-noti_2046710.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d9b/jack-handey-829_bigs_to-me-truth-is-not-some-vague-foggy-noti_2046710.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d9b/jack-handey-829_bigs_to-me-truth-is-not-some-vague-foggy-noti_2046710.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-real-embarrassing-to-put/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-rea_1787952.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-rea_1787952.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-rea_1787952.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him…", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-would-be-a-chocolate-revolver/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7a/jack-handey-829_busy_i-think-a-good-gift-for-the-president-wo_655465.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, \"Well, maybe,\" Man, whose side is she on, anyway?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-to-me-like-the-other-day-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/319/jack-handey-829_car_sometimes-i-wish-marta-were-more-loyal-t_337166.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say \"How do you figger that!\" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-person-in-your-class-whenever-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ad/jack-handey-829_bigs_if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-perso_1068962.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ad/jack-handey-829_bigs_if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-perso_1068962.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ad/jack-handey-829_bigs_if-you-want-to-be-the-most-popular-perso_1068962.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. \"Oh, no,\" I said, \"Disneyland burned down.\" He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for-instance-i-was-going-to-take/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/jack-handey-829_burned_one-thing-kids-like-is-to-be-tricked-for_1929652.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like \"I...AM...GOD!\" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea-of-god-is-pretty-different-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor-so-none-of-the-children-had/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdc/jack-handey-829_bags_the-people-in-the-village-were-real-poor_291352.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-one-that-needs-a-direct-hit/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af5/jack-handey-829_balance_life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-o_583070.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af5/jack-handey-829_balance_life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-o_583070.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af5/jack-handey-829_balance_life-to-me-is-like-a-quiet-forest-pool-o_583070.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, \"I love carrots.\" \"Good,\" I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. \"Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!\" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta-said-something-that-really/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c1/jack-handey-829_bedroom_tonight-when-we-were-eating-dinner-marta_3028713.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, \"I…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, \"Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!\" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, \"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.\" Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead-of-carrying-a-six-gun-in-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/86d/jack-handey-829_ashamed_if-i-lived-in-the-wild-west-days-instead_842438.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and-we-show-them-our/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afe/jack-handey-829_aliens_if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and_2514969.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afe/jack-handey-829_aliens_if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and_2514969.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/afe/jack-handey-829_aliens_if-aliens-from-outer-space-ever-come-and_2514969.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/one-day-one-of-my-little-nephews-came-up-to-me-and-asked-me-if-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab8/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_one-day-one-of-my-little-nephews-came-up_944640.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab8/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_one-day-one-of-my-little-nephews-came-up_944640.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ab8/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_one-day-one-of-my-little-nephews-came-up_944640.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like \"Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?\" or \"Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?\" Man, quit being so cheap!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-real-mad-when-someone-says/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bdf/jack-handey-829_cheap-people_i-can-t-stand-cheap-people-it-makes-me-r_1485611.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like \"Hey, when are you going…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 25, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-just-go-real-limp-because-maybe/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69b/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-ever-fall-off-the-sears-tower-jus_1071933.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 26, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a-real-embarrassing-thing/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b12/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-were-an-ancient-barbarian-i-bet-a_552033.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 27, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-funny-that-pirates-were-always-going-around-searching-for/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/jack-handey-829_creating_it-s-funny-that-pirates-were-always-goin_365254.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/jack-handey-829_creating_it-s-funny-that-pirates-were-always-goin_365254.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/899/jack-handey-829_creating_it-s-funny-that-pirates-were-always-goin_365254.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 28, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/isn-t-it-funny-how-one-minute-life-can-be-such-a-struggle-and-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_isn-t-it-funny-how-one-minute-life-can-b_2976808.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_isn-t-it-funny-how-one-minute-life-can-b_2976808.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1e/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_isn-t-it-funny-how-one-minute-life-can-b_2976808.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 29, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, \"Injection? I thought you said 'inspection'.\" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d-clean-up-my-cell-real-neat/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/976/jack-handey-829_cells_if-i-was-being-executed-by-injection-i-d_1370400.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 30, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-from-killing-your-monster-is/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f49/jack-handey-829_being-real_a-good-way-to-keep-a-mob-of-peasants-fro_1330026.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 31, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, \"What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?\" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-speaker-as-a-former-illegal/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9d7/jack-handey-829_aliens_when-the-chairman-introduced-the-guest-s_2260470.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/real/jack-handey/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/real/jack-handey/", "name": "Real Quotes by Jack Handey", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/real/jack-handey/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e5f/jack-handey-829_animal_it-s-amazing-to-me-that-one-of-the-world_2046078.jpg" }, "description": "31 Real quotes by Jack Handey. 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