--- title: "25 Needs Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "25 Needs quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Needs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbc/mitch-hedberg-695_decision_i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-tim_17033.png" --- > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbc/mitch-hedberg-695_decision_i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-tim_17033.png) > [I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-into-carpooling-because-sometimes-my-car-gets-hot-and-needs-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/167/mitch-hedberg-695_car_i-m-into-carpooling-because-sometimes-my_869462.png) > [I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent-do-you-need-circus/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/900/mitch-hedberg-695_circus_i-went-to-a-tent-store-what-kind-of-tent_1266735.png) > [Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-need-to-dig-a-hole-then-lay-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png) > [I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-two-20-no-10-no-5-maybe-2-oh/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg) > [I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-make-myself-a-bowl-of-instant-oatmeal-and-then-i-don-t-do-anything/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/mitch-hedberg-695_bowls_i-make-myself-a-bowl-of-instant-oatmeal_262632.png) > [I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy-who-reads-scripts-and-he-read/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png) > [At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and-asked-to-use-the-phone-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg) > [I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-but-then-i-accidentally-spilled/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3a/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-bu_1660610.png) > [My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-roommate-says-i-m-going-to-take-a-shower-and-shave-does-anyone/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/521/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_my-roommate-says-i-m-going-to-take-a-sho_859293.png) > [Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/pepperidge-farm-bread-that-s-fancy-bread-you-can-tell-it-s-fancy/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44f/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_pepperidge-farm-bread-that-s-fancy-bread_1065464.png) > [I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-rented-a-car-i-didn-t-really-need-one-i-just-wanted-to-make-one/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfb/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-rented-a-car-i-didn-t-really-need-one_918032.png) > [I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-home-depot-which-was-unnecessary-i-need-to-go-to-the/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/mitch-hedberg-695_apartment_i-went-to-the-home-depot-which-was-unnec_1670669.png) > [I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-always-on-the-road-and-i-drive-rental-cars-sometimes-i-don-t-know/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f78/mitch-hedberg-695_brake_i-m-always-on-the-road-and-i-drive-renta_2734736.jpg) > [I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-ordered-a-club-sandwich-but-i-m-not-even-a-member-i-like-my/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_i-ordered-a-club-sandwich-but-i-m-not-ev_2879002.png) > [I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery-store-you-start-to-get-mad-at/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg) > [Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/earlier-i-ve-done-hatever-i-could-get-my-hands-on-to-do-for-a-living/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8dc/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_earlier-i-ve-done-hatever-i-could-get-my_2158583.jpg) > [I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-need-a-receipt-for-a-doughnut-i-ll-just-give-you-the-money/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/mitch-hedberg-695_back-home_i-don-t-need-a-receipt-for-a-doughnut-i_263033.png) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/385/mitch-hedberg-695_cactus_there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-tha_4050.jpg) > [Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think-that-i-need-to-put-some/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec2/mitch-hedberg-695_acting_every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think_798631.jpg) > [Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/xylophone-is-spelled-with-an-x-that-s-wrong-it-should-be-a-z-up-front/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/000/mitch-hedberg-695_fronts_xylophone-is-spelled-with-an-x-that-s-wr_503411.png) > [I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat-section-at-the-grocery-store/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73c/mitch-hedberg-695_being-yourself_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-stand-in-the-meat_724955.png) > [I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-use-the-word-totally-too-much-i-need-to-change-it-up-and-use-a-word/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/911/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_i-use-the-word-totally-too-much-i-need-t_1233912.png) > [My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-lucky-number-is-four-billion-that-doesn-t-come-in-real-handy-when/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe5/mitch-hedberg-695_billions_my-lucky-number-is-four-billion-that-doe_663994.png) > [I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-hours-if-it-s-5-am-and-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/907/mitch-hedberg-695_cold_i-like-kinko-s-because-they-re-open-24-h_1677391.jpg) ## Other authors on Needs ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/needs/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "25 Needs Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 25, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. 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So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-need-to-dig-a-hole-then-lay-down/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-two-20-no-10-no-5-maybe-2-oh/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/06f/mitch-hedberg-695_bills_i-miss-the-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-a-tw_1681857.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-make-myself-a-bowl-of-instant-oatmeal-and-then-i-don-t-do-anything/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/mitch-hedberg-695_bowls_i-make-myself-a-bowl-of-instant-oatmeal_262632.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/mitch-hedberg-695_bowls_i-make-myself-a-bowl-of-instant-oatmeal_262632.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abb/mitch-hedberg-695_bowls_i-make-myself-a-bowl-of-instant-oatmeal_262632.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, \"Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy-who-reads-scripts-and-he-read/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/mitch-hedberg-695_copies_i-wrote-a-script-and-i-gave-it-to-a-guy_2373081.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and-asked-to-use-the-phone-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe1/mitch-hedberg-695_five_at-my-hotel-room-my-friend-came-over-and_657817.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-but-then-i-accidentally-spilled/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3a/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-bu_1660610.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3a/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-bu_1660610.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3a/mitch-hedberg-695_funny_i-bought-a-scratch-off-lottery-ticket-bu_1660610.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My roommate says, \"I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?\" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-roommate-says-i-m-going-to-take-a-shower-and-shave-does-anyone/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/521/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_my-roommate-says-i-m-going-to-take-a-sho_859293.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/521/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_my-roommate-says-i-m-going-to-take-a-sho_859293.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/521/mitch-hedberg-695_answers_my-roommate-says-i-m-going-to-take-a-sho_859293.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My roommate says, \"I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?\" It's like…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/pepperidge-farm-bread-that-s-fancy-bread-you-can-tell-it-s-fancy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44f/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_pepperidge-farm-bread-that-s-fancy-bread_1065464.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44f/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_pepperidge-farm-bread-that-s-fancy-bread_1065464.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44f/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_pepperidge-farm-bread-that-s-fancy-bread_1065464.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-rented-a-car-i-didn-t-really-need-one-i-just-wanted-to-make-one/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfb/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-rented-a-car-i-didn-t-really-need-one_918032.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfb/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-rented-a-car-i-didn-t-really-need-one_918032.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bfb/mitch-hedberg-695_available_i-rented-a-car-i-didn-t-really-need-one_918032.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying \"We don't have to fix anything.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-the-home-depot-which-was-unnecessary-i-need-to-go-to-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/mitch-hedberg-695_apartment_i-went-to-the-home-depot-which-was-unnec_1670669.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/mitch-hedberg-695_apartment_i-went-to-the-home-depot-which-was-unnec_1670669.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c93/mitch-hedberg-695_apartment_i-went-to-the-home-depot-which-was-unnec_1670669.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-always-on-the-road-and-i-drive-rental-cars-sometimes-i-don-t-know/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f78/mitch-hedberg-695_brake_i-m-always-on-the-road-and-i-drive-renta_2734736.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f78/mitch-hedberg-695_brake_i-m-always-on-the-road-and-i-drive-renta_2734736.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f78/mitch-hedberg-695_brake_i-m-always-on-the-road-and-i-drive-renta_2734736.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. \"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.\" \"Well, so do I!\" \"Then let's form a club.\" \"OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips.\" \"How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?\" \"I'm for 'em!\" \"Well, this club is formed.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-ordered-a-club-sandwich-but-i-m-not-even-a-member-i-like-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_i-ordered-a-club-sandwich-but-i-m-not-ev_2879002.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_i-ordered-a-club-sandwich-but-i-m-not-ev_2879002.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa2/mitch-hedberg-695_bread_i-ordered-a-club-sandwich-but-i-m-not-ev_2879002.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. \"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.\"…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, \"Man, just be yourselves!\" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery-store-you-start-to-get-mad-at/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0c1/mitch-hedberg-695_accidents_i-hate-turkeys-if-you-go-to-the-grocery_2708400.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/earlier-i-ve-done-hatever-i-could-get-my-hands-on-to-do-for-a-living/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8dc/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_earlier-i-ve-done-hatever-i-could-get-my_2158583.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8dc/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_earlier-i-ve-done-hatever-i-could-get-my_2158583.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8dc/mitch-hedberg-695_comedy_earlier-i-ve-done-hatever-i-could-get-my_2158583.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-need-a-receipt-for-a-doughnut-i-ll-just-give-you-the-money/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/mitch-hedberg-695_back-home_i-don-t-need-a-receipt-for-a-doughnut-i_263033.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/mitch-hedberg-695_back-home_i-don-t-need-a-receipt-for-a-doughnut-i_263033.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6d2/mitch-hedberg-695_back-home_i-don-t-need-a-receipt-for-a-doughnut-i_263033.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - \"You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.\" Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. \"Think like a cactus!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/385/mitch-hedberg-695_cactus_there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-tha_4050.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/385/mitch-hedberg-695_cactus_there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-tha_4050.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/385/mitch-hedberg-695_cactus_there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-tha_4050.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - \"You can water your…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. \"Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?\" \"Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think-that-i-need-to-put-some/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec2/mitch-hedberg-695_acting_every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think_798631.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec2/mitch-hedberg-695_acting_every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think_798631.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec2/mitch-hedberg-695_acting_every-time-i-walk-by-a-spy-shop-i-think_798631.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, \"That's wrong!\", you say, \"No, it ain't.\" If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/xylophone-is-spelled-with-an-x-that-s-wrong-it-should-be-a-z-up-front/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/000/mitch-hedberg-695_fronts_xylophone-is-spelled-with-an-x-that-s-wr_503411.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/000/mitch-hedberg-695_fronts_xylophone-is-spelled-with-an-x-that-s-wr_503411.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/000/mitch-hedberg-695_fronts_xylophone-is-spelled-with-an-x-that-s-wr_503411.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. 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I need more dice.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/my-lucky-number-is-four-billion-that-doesn-t-come-in-real-handy-when/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe5/mitch-hedberg-695_billions_my-lucky-number-is-four-billion-that-doe_663994.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe5/mitch-hedberg-695_billions_my-lucky-number-is-four-billion-that-doe_663994.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe5/mitch-hedberg-695_billions_my-lucky-number-is-four-billion-that-doe_663994.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My lucky number is four billion. 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