--- title: "20 My girlfriend Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik" description: "20 My girlfriend quotes by Anthony Jeselnik. Plus more from Anthony Jeselnik and more My girlfriend sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eeb/anthony-jeselnik-1838_girlfriend_i-m-getting-pretty-worried-my-girlfriend_1143407.png" --- > [I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-getting-pretty-worried-my-girlfriend-hasn-t-gotten-her-period-and/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eeb/anthony-jeselnik-1838_girlfriend_i-m-getting-pretty-worried-my-girlfriend_1143407.png) > [My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-makes-me-want-to-be-a-better-person-so-i-can-get-a/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_being-a-better-perso_my-girlfriend-makes-me-want-to-be-a-bett_2175040.png) > [My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-was-just-killed-in-a-car-accident-devastating-i-can-t/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad5/anthony-jeselnik-1838_accident_my-girlfriend-was-just-killed-in-a-car-a_1876528.png) > [My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-wants-an-open-relationship-i-said-no-way-what-kind-of/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_date_my-girlfriend-wants-an-open-relationship_1228379.png) > [I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-feel-worthless-my-girlfriend-was-attacked-on-the-subway-yesterday/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/915/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attacked_i-feel-worthless-my-girlfriend-was-attac_1374548.png) > [My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-asked-me-if-i-only-love-her-for-her-body-i-said-no-baby/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ac/anthony-jeselnik-1838_baby_my-girlfriend-asked-me-if-i-only-love-he_1974036.png) > [I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to-surf-but-i-just-end-up/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b43/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ends_i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to_1046228.png) > [My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-is-jewish-but-it-s-easier-to-buy-her-a-christmas/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aad/anthony-jeselnik-1838_break_my-girlfriend-is-jewish-but-it-s-easier_3008293.png) > [Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/every-night-my-girlfriend-comes-home-from-work-and-she-brings-with/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e09/anthony-jeselnik-1838_alive_every-night-my-girlfriend-comes-home-fro_2649160.png) > [I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-you-know-keep-things-fresh-for/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bulimic_i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-y_2338906.jpg) > [My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as-to-why-she-isn-t-religious/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png) > [This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend-for-months-in-advance-that/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_beginnings-and-ends_this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend_2197830.jpg) > [A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfriend-some-fancy-lingerie-and/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c7/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfri_1914078.jpg) > [My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-loves-to-eat-chocolate-she-s-always-eating-chocolate/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd6/anthony-jeselnik-1838_addict_my-girlfriend-loves-to-eat-chocolate-she_1321865.jpg) > [Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/usually-the-beginning-of-a-story-that-people-hear-a-lot-for-example/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6dd/anthony-jeselnik-1838_car_usually-the-beginning-of-a-story-that-pe_1426092.png) > [She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/she-got-really-mad-a-month-ago-because-she-had-e-mailed-me-a-naked/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da0/anthony-jeselnik-1838_care_she-got-really-mad-a-month-ago-because-s_921605.png) > [My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-is-despicable-i-just-found-out-she-flirted-with-my/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/566/anthony-jeselnik-1838_brother_my-girlfriend-is-despicable-i-just-found_2658543.png) > [My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-neighbor-complains-every-time-my-girlfriend-and-i-have-sex-we-re/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_complaining_my-neighbor-complains-every-time-my-girl_807337.png) > [My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-is-upset-about-her-new-haircut-i-don-t-understand-why/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cry_my-girlfriend-is-upset-about-her-new-hai_595262.png) > [When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-my-girlfriend-cooks-dinner-i-m-happy-to-do-the-dishes-because-i/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cooks_when-my-girlfriend-cooks-dinner-i-m-happ_1009789.png) ## Other authors on My girlfriend ## More by Anthony Jeselnik > [I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-to-love-me-but-i-m-embarrassed/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attention-even-if-they-re-not/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand-new/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/perhaps-i-m-being-too-optimistic-but-i-think-this-country-is-finally/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/father-s-day-makes-me-wish-i-could-talk-to-my-dad-just-one-more-time/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angeles-i-decided-i-wanted-to-be-a/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-i-was-little-i-would-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass-but-now/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-fascinated-by-offensive-subject-matter-always-have-been-it-is/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-got-into-comedy-because-i-wanted-to-get-into-writing/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-actually-never-acted-on-deadwood-i-have-meetings-all-the-time-where/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-was-a-weird-kid-because-i-liked-to-be-alone-but-i-craved-attention/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when-i-say-that-i-mean-i-don-t/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-brilliant-stuff-comes-out-of-working-with-limitations-one/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) > [I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-anyone-who-surprises-me-and-makes-me-laugh/) [Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/my-girlfriend/anthony-jeselnik/#itemlist", "name": "20 My girlfriend Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik", "numberOfItems": 20, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. 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Because I don't know how to surf.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to-surf-but-i-just-end-up/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b43/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ends_i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to_1046228.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b43/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ends_i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to_1046228.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b43/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ends_i-m-trying-to-teach-my-girlfriend-how-to_1046228.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. 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But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/every-night-my-girlfriend-comes-home-from-work-and-she-brings-with/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e09/anthony-jeselnik-1838_alive_every-night-my-girlfriend-comes-home-fro_2649160.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e09/anthony-jeselnik-1838_alive_every-night-my-girlfriend-comes-home-fro_2649160.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e09/anthony-jeselnik-1838_alive_every-night-my-girlfriend-comes-home-fro_2649160.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-you-know-keep-things-fresh-for/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bulimic_i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-y_2338906.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bulimic_i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-y_2338906.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bulimic_i-like-to-play-pranks-on-my-girlfriend-y_2338906.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as-to-why-she-isn-t-religious/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/981/anthony-jeselnik-1838_bed_my-girlfriend-has-the-greatest-story-as_2649198.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend-for-months-in-advance-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_beginnings-and-ends_this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend_2197830.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_beginnings-and-ends_this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend_2197830.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_beginnings-and-ends_this-past-christmas-i-told-my-girlfriend_2197830.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfriend-some-fancy-lingerie-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c7/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfri_1914078.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c7/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfri_1914078.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c7/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfri_1914078.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-loves-to-eat-chocolate-she-s-always-eating-chocolate/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd6/anthony-jeselnik-1838_addict_my-girlfriend-loves-to-eat-chocolate-she_1321865.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd6/anthony-jeselnik-1838_addict_my-girlfriend-loves-to-eat-chocolate-she_1321865.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bd6/anthony-jeselnik-1838_addict_my-girlfriend-loves-to-eat-chocolate-she_1321865.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, \"My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut\" or \"My dad keeps losing his car keys.\" And then I just think of different ways the story could end. \"My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.\" Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/usually-the-beginning-of-a-story-that-people-hear-a-lot-for-example/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6dd/anthony-jeselnik-1838_car_usually-the-beginning-of-a-story-that-pe_1426092.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6dd/anthony-jeselnik-1838_car_usually-the-beginning-of-a-story-that-pe_1426092.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6dd/anthony-jeselnik-1838_car_usually-the-beginning-of-a-story-that-pe_1426092.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, \"My girlfriend is upset about her new…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/she-got-really-mad-a-month-ago-because-she-had-e-mailed-me-a-naked/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da0/anthony-jeselnik-1838_care_she-got-really-mad-a-month-ago-because-s_921605.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da0/anthony-jeselnik-1838_care_she-got-really-mad-a-month-ago-because-s_921605.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da0/anthony-jeselnik-1838_care_she-got-really-mad-a-month-ago-because-s_921605.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-is-despicable-i-just-found-out-she-flirted-with-my/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/566/anthony-jeselnik-1838_brother_my-girlfriend-is-despicable-i-just-found_2658543.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/566/anthony-jeselnik-1838_brother_my-girlfriend-is-despicable-i-just-found_2658543.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/566/anthony-jeselnik-1838_brother_my-girlfriend-is-despicable-i-just-found_2658543.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-neighbor-complains-every-time-my-girlfriend-and-i-have-sex-we-re/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_complaining_my-neighbor-complains-every-time-my-girl_807337.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_complaining_my-neighbor-complains-every-time-my-girl_807337.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_complaining_my-neighbor-complains-every-time-my-girl_807337.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-is-upset-about-her-new-haircut-i-don-t-understand-why/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cry_my-girlfriend-is-upset-about-her-new-hai_595262.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cry_my-girlfriend-is-upset-about-her-new-hai_595262.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f29/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cry_my-girlfriend-is-upset-about-her-new-hai_595262.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to…” — Anthony Jeselnik", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Anthony Jeselnik" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-my-girlfriend-cooks-dinner-i-m-happy-to-do-the-dishes-because-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cooks_when-my-girlfriend-cooks-dinner-i-m-happ_1009789.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cooks_when-my-girlfriend-cooks-dinner-i-m-happ_1009789.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/20e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cooks_when-my-girlfriend-cooks-dinner-i-m-happ_1009789.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. 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