--- title: "13 Modern Quotes By Dave Barry" description: "13 Modern quotes by Dave Barry. Plus more from Dave Barry and more Modern sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e83/dave-barry-222_art_like-many-members-of-the-uncultured-chee_731960.png" --- > [Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/like-many-members-of-the-uncultured-cheez-it-consuming-public-i-am/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e83/dave-barry-222_art_like-many-members-of-the-uncultured-chee_731960.png) > [In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/in-modern-america-food-is-abundant-everywhere-except-aboard/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/93c/dave-barry-222_air-travel_in-modern-america-food-is-abundant-every_3028143.png) > [Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/your-modern-teenager-is-not-about-to-listen-to-advice-from-an-old/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/edb/dave-barry-222_advice_your-modern-teenager-is-not-about-to-lis_156360.png) > [Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/thanks-to-modern-medical-advances-such-as-antibiotics-nasal-spray-and/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e69/dave-barry-222_age_thanks-to-modern-medical-advances-such-a_1524219.png) > [ Note that both of these papers \[the New York Post and the New York Daily News\] are big sellers in a city… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/note-that-both-of-these-papers-the-new-york-post-and-the-new-york/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b1/dave-barry-222_accounts_note-that-both-of-these-papers-the-new-y_1034535.png) > [The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-hawaiian-islands-were-discovered-by-hardy-polynesian-sailors-who/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a7/dave-barry-222_air-travel_the-hawaiian-islands-were-discovered-by_1249853.png) > [If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-have-ever-seen-the-movie-night-of-the-living-dead-you-have-a/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/637/dave-barry-222_brain_if-you-have-ever-seen-the-movie-night-of_1253928.jpg) > [If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern-writers-such-as-ernest/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c1b/dave-barry-222_conclusion_if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern_38298.png) > [Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/modern-cyberspace-is-a-deadly-festering-swamp-teeming-with-dangerous/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/686/dave-barry-222_computer_modern-cyberspace-is-a-deadly-festering_2515994.png) > [...and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/and-suddenly-it-hits-you-human-skin-is-actually-made-up-of-billions/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/882/dave-barry-222_aggressive_and-suddenly-it-hits-you-human-skin-is-a_114997.png) > [Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-trend-babies-are-not-excused/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg) > [Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named "Cingular" started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/several-months-ago-out-of-the-blue-a-company-named-cingular-started/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aad/dave-barry-222_advertising_several-months-ago-out-of-the-blue-a-com_673076.png) > [I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/i-am-absolutely-sick-unto-death-of-hearing-people-say-they-all-say/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dave-barry-222_answering-machines_i-am-absolutely-sick-unto-death-of-heari_1628125.jpg) ## Other authors on Modern ## More by Dave Barry > [This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/this-is-true-virtually-all-edible-substances-and-many-automotive/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/this-ball-was-so-crowded-that-it-took-me-a-trained-professional/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-hardest-thing-about-being-a-guy-is-that-women-don-t-accept-that/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-ultimate-camping-trip-was-the-lewis-and-clark-expedition/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/although-golf-was-originally-restricted-to-wealthy-overweight/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/entire-new-continent-can-emerge-from-the-ocean-in-the-time-it-takes/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/he-was-distracted-by-a-giggle-and-turned-to-see-a-rare-sight-a-girl/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-major-parties-could-conduct-live-human-sacrifices-on-their/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern-writers-such-as-ernest/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/don-t-you-wish-you-had-a-job-like-mine-all-you-have-to-do-is-think-up/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/despite-the-gulf-physical-and-cultural-between-the-united-states-and/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/before-going-on-a-diet-you-should-consult-your-doctor-or-at-least/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Never trust anything you read in a travel article.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/never-trust-anything-you-read-in-a-travel-article/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/in-the-old-days-it-was-not-called-the-holiday-season-the-christians/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/always-remember-that-if-editors-were-so-damned-smart-they-would-know/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/modern/dave-barry/#itemlist", "name": "13 Modern Quotes By Dave Barry", "numberOfItems": 13, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", 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"ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/note-that-both-of-these-papers-the-new-york-post-and-the-new-york/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b1/dave-barry-222_accounts_note-that-both-of-these-papers-the-new-y_1034535.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b1/dave-barry-222_accounts_note-that-both-of-these-papers-the-new-y_1034535.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b1/dave-barry-222_accounts_note-that-both-of-these-papers-the-new-y_1034535.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big 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My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-hawaiian-islands-were-discovered-by-hardy-polynesian-sailors-who/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a7/dave-barry-222_air-travel_the-hawaiian-islands-were-discovered-by_1249853.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a7/dave-barry-222_air-travel_the-hawaiian-islands-were-discovered-by_1249853.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a7/dave-barry-222_air-travel_the-hawaiian-islands-were-discovered-by_1249853.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-have-ever-seen-the-movie-night-of-the-living-dead-you-have-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/637/dave-barry-222_brain_if-you-have-ever-seen-the-movie-night-of_1253928.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/637/dave-barry-222_brain_if-you-have-ever-seen-the-movie-night-of_1253928.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/637/dave-barry-222_brain_if-you-have-ever-seen-the-movie-night-of_1253928.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern-writers-such-as-ernest/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c1b/dave-barry-222_conclusion_if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern_38298.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c1b/dave-barry-222_conclusion_if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern_38298.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c1b/dave-barry-222_conclusion_if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern_38298.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/modern-cyberspace-is-a-deadly-festering-swamp-teeming-with-dangerous/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/686/dave-barry-222_computer_modern-cyberspace-is-a-deadly-festering_2515994.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/686/dave-barry-222_computer_modern-cyberspace-is-a-deadly-festering_2515994.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/686/dave-barry-222_computer_modern-cyberspace-is-a-deadly-festering_2515994.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,'…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "...and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called \"cells\"! And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice views,are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan,by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/and-suddenly-it-hits-you-human-skin-is-actually-made-up-of-billions/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/882/dave-barry-222_aggressive_and-suddenly-it-hits-you-human-skin-is-a_114997.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/882/dave-barry-222_aggressive_and-suddenly-it-hits-you-human-skin-is-a_114997.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/882/dave-barry-222_aggressive_and-suddenly-it-hits-you-human-skin-is-a_114997.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“...and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says \"7x9=63,\" because it will remind him of mother.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-trend-babies-are-not-excused/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named \"Cingular\" started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and I honestly did not know what these bills were for, so I put them in the pile where I keep documents that I intend to scrutinize more carefully later on, after my death. Then I started seeing TV commercials for Cingular, but of course they did not make it clear what Cingular is, because the First Rule of Modern Advertising is: \"Never reveal what you are advertising.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/several-months-ago-out-of-the-blue-a-company-named-cingular-started/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aad/dave-barry-222_advertising_several-months-ago-out-of-the-blue-a-com_673076.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aad/dave-barry-222_advertising_several-months-ago-out-of-the-blue-a-com_673076.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aad/dave-barry-222_advertising_several-months-ago-out-of-the-blue-a-com_673076.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named \"Cingular\" started sending me bills. I had never heard…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the curriculum in Trend College - \"I just hate to talk to a machine!\" They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of a minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around trumpeting it; you should stay home and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfortable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/i-am-absolutely-sick-unto-death-of-hearing-people-say-they-all-say/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dave-barry-222_answering-machines_i-am-absolutely-sick-unto-death-of-heari_1628125.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dave-barry-222_answering-machines_i-am-absolutely-sick-unto-death-of-heari_1628125.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3a2/dave-barry-222_answering-machines_i-am-absolutely-sick-unto-death-of-heari_1628125.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/modern/dave-barry/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/modern/dave-barry/", "name": "Modern Quotes by Dave Barry", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/modern/dave-barry/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e83/dave-barry-222_art_like-many-members-of-the-uncultured-chee_731960.png" }, "description": "13 Modern quotes by Dave Barry. 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