---
title: "42 Masturbating Quotes by 30 authors"
description: "Browse 42 Masturbating quotes by 30 authors. Discover the best Masturbating sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d1/amit-verma-4152_funny-facebook-statu_my-laptop-is-making-weird-noises-i-think_2234157.jpg"
---

> [My laptop is making weird noises I think its masturbating](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/amit-verma/my-laptop-is-making-weird-noises-i-think-its-masturbating/)

[Amit Verma](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/amit-verma/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d1/amit-verma-4152_funny-facebook-statu_my-laptop-is-making-weird-noises-i-think_2234157.jpg)

> [“My energies have been drained. Masturbating too much will do that.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michelle-m-pillow/my-energies-have-been-drained-masturbating-too-much-will-do-that/)

[Michelle M. Pillow](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michelle-m-pillow/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f77/michelle-m-pillow-9760_drained_my-energies-have-been-drained-masturbati_103321.jpg)

> [When it comes to masturbating, my hand can be one of the biggest jerks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/when-it-comes-to-masturbating-my-hand-can-be-one-of-the-biggest-jerks/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aab/nikhil-saluja-26_quote_when-it-comes-to-masturbating-my-hand-ca_1410027.jpg)

> [“Hey Sin, are you masturbating in there?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-cox/hey-sin-are-you-masturbating-in-there/)

[James Cox](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-cox/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f91/james-cox-1518_masturbating_hey-sin-are-you-masturbating-in-there-57_571003.jpg)

> [The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nick-thune/the-other-day-i-walked-in-on-my-roommate-while-i-was-masturbating/)

[Nick Thune](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nick-thune/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9eb/nick-thune-39909_masturbating_the-other-day-i-walked-in-on-my-roommate_2701634.png)

> [It's rude to look while I'm masturbating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/it-s-rude-to-look-while-i-m-masturbating/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a6e/nikhil-saluja-26_look_it-s-rude-to-look-while-i-m-masturbating_3178090.jpg)

> [Breaking news is the most masturbating thing journalists do.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/felix-salmon/breaking-news-is-the-most-masturbating-thing-journalists-do/)

[Felix Salmon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/felix-salmon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c57/felix-salmon-81469_breaking-news_breaking-news-is-the-most-masturbating-t_2834816.jpg)

> [“Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/abhijit-naskar/masturbating-is-no-more-sinful-than-praying-or-meditating/)

[Abhijit Naskar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/abhijit-naskar/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cdc/abhijit-naskar-99_biology_masturbating-is-no-more-sinful-than-pray_1395382.jpg)

> [I can't stop masturbating, but I don't have to be anywhere for another 7 hours so it's ok.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/asa-akira/i-can-t-stop-masturbating-but-i-don-t-have-to-be-anywhere-for-another/)

[Asa Akira](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/asa-akira/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51a/asa-akira-44036_beauty_i-can-t-stop-masturbating-but-i-don-t-ha_2253686.jpg)

> [My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/roddy-piper/my-friends-keep-telling-me-i-m-doing-it-with-mary-palmer-that-s-not/)

[Roddy Piper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/roddy-piper/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f1e/roddy-piper-4137_busy_my-friends-keep-telling-me-i-m-doing-it_406186.jpg)

> [Masturbating is a form of stress relief...so go fuck yourself and calm down..](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/masturbating-is-a-form-of-stress-relief-so-go-fuck-yourself-and-calm/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/69e/anonymous-1_funny_masturbating-is-a-form-of-stress-relief_2293837.jpg)

> [If your nose doesn't bleed after masturbating you fuckers are doing it wrong.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/if-your-nose-doesn-t-bleed-after-masturbating-you-fuckers-are-doing/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1db/nikhil-saluja-26_quote_if-your-nose-doesn-t-bleed-after-masturb_1519809.jpg)

> [Never been more embarrassed than the time I walked in on a co-worker while I was masturbating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/never-been-more-embarrassed-than-the-time-i-walked-in-on-a-co-worker/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/64d/nikhil-saluja-26_time_never-been-more-embarrassed-than-the-tim_1961675.jpg)

> [Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mom walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/nothing-says-almost-caught-masturbating-like-having-your-mom-walking/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e3/nikhil-saluja-26_awkward-moment_nothing-says-almost-caught-masturbating_2635124.jpg)

> [Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dan-johnson/remember-people-who-live-in-glass-houses-can-see-you-masturbating-in/)

[Dan Johnson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dan-johnson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/720/dan-johnson-230154_bushes_remember-people-who-live-in-glass-houses_2891597.png)

> [The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/larry-david/the-closest-i-ever-came-to-death-was-masturbating-with-a-104-degree/)

[Larry David](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/larry-david/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a11/larry-david-2520_closest_the-closest-i-ever-came-to-death-was-mas_2279201.png)

> [“Even just the thought her…God. I may end up being the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself. Look,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emma-chase/even-just-the-thought-her-god-i-may-end-up-being-the-first-man-in/)

[Emma Chase](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emma-chase/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e66/emma-chase-699_history_even-just-the-thought-her-god-i-may-end_2127435.jpg)

> [Oh, that's me. I'm just masturbating. Well, if you keep interrupting me it will take a little bit longer. But usually it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/due-date/oh-that-s-me-i-m-just-masturbating-well-if-you-keep-interrupting-me/)

[Due Date](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/due-date/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e40/due-date-19667_quote_oh-that-s-me-i-m-just-masturbating-well_891508.jpg)

> [There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-attell/there-s-a-fine-line-between-masturbating-while-you-look-out-a-window/)

[Dave Attell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-attell/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf5/dave-attell-6101_ems_there-s-a-fine-line-between-masturbating_2424520.png)

> [A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent of masturbating, and I'd sort of fell…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chuck-klosterman/a-homeless-man-once-told-me-that-dancing-to-rap-music-is-the-cultural/)

[Chuck Klosterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chuck-klosterman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaf/chuck-klosterman-804_dancing_a-homeless-man-once-told-me-that-dancing_2849333.jpg)

> [When I found out after that first successful exhibition that the gallery wanted me to do another show like the first one,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/betty-dodson/when-i-found-out-after-that-first-successful-exhibition-that-the/)

[Betty Dodson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/betty-dodson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1c/betty-dodson-15856_artist_when-i-found-out-after-that-first-succes_2263087.jpg)

> [That whole thing about masturbating. Most girls, I guess nobody has to tell them, they just figure it out. I had to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/patti-smith/that-whole-thing-about-masturbating-most-girls-i-guess-nobody-has-to/)

[Patti Smith](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/patti-smith/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/414/patti-smith-394_figures_that-whole-thing-about-masturbating-most_512967.jpg)

> [“Seizing an imaginary microphone, Dennis adopts a limp Estuary accent: 'Masturbating's changed a lot since I were a lad, Brian. In my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/paul-murray/seizing-an-imaginary-microphone-dennis-adopts-a-limp-estuary-accent/)

[Paul Murray](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/paul-murray/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/366/paul-murray-12593_day-and-night_seizing-an-imaginary-microphone-dennis-a_2749701.jpg)

> [I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mike-tyson/i-can-sell-out-madison-square-garden-masturbating/)

[Mike Tyson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mike-tyson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/mike-tyson-752_boxing_i-can-sell-out-madison-square-garden-mas_1689641.jpg)

> [“I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chelsea-handler/i-can-t-i-said-i-threw-my-back-out-masturbating/)

[Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chelsea-handler/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4c/chelsea-handler-887_humor_i-can-t-i-said-i-threw-my-back-out-mastu_855728.png)

> [Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/robin-williams/decaf-is-like-masturbating-with-an-oven-mitt/)

[Robin Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/robin-williams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e1/robin-williams-682_coffee_decaf-is-like-masturbating-with-an-oven_1378807.jpg)

> [Masturbating in space, would be like living in a snow globe.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author-name/masturbating-in-space-would-be-like-living-in-a-snow-globe/)

[Author Name](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/author-name/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/773/author-name-101_masturbating_masturbating-in-space-would-be-like-livi_2916018.jpg)

> [“Social media is to socializing what masturbating is to sex.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/oliver-markus-malloy/social-media-is-to-socializing-what-masturbating-is-to-sex/)

[Oliver Markus Malloy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/oliver-markus-malloy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d6/oliver-markus-malloy-6767_internet_social-media-is-to-socializing-what-mast_2764686.jpg)

> [If I get caught masturbating, I don't have to explain myself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/green-monk/if-i-get-caught-masturbating-i-don-t-have-to-explain-myself/)

[Green Monk](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/green-monk/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/352/green-monk-388_funny_if-i-get-caught-masturbating-i-don-t-hav_1375680.jpg)

> [“I'm getting pretty good at masturbating”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/the-onion/i-m-getting-pretty-good-at-masturbating/)

[The Onion](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/the-onion/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/279/the-onion-58587_pretty-good_i-m-getting-pretty-good-at-masturbating_2056511.jpg)

> [Time flies when you're masturbating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/time-flies-when-you-re-masturbating/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf6/anonymous-1_adult_time-flies-when-you-re-masturbating-1638_1638417.jpg)

> [If no one has ever caught me masturbating, have I even masturbated at all?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/if-no-one-has-ever-caught-me-masturbating-have-i-even-masturbated-at/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/636/nikhil-saluja-26_caught_if-no-one-has-ever-caught-me-masturbatin_2899663.jpg)

> [Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-silverman/don-t-forget-god-can-see-you-masturbating-but-don-t-stop-he-s-almost/)

[Sarah Silverman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-silverman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89b/sarah-silverman-1212_almost-there_don-t-forget-god-can-see-you-masturbatin_2639740.png)

> [I was, uh, masturbating. - me when I don't want to admit I was in the bathroom for 30 minutes playing Angry…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/i-was-uh-masturbating-me-when-i-don-t-want-to-admit-i-was-in-the/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e96/nikhil-saluja-26_angry-birds_i-was-uh-masturbating-me-when-i-don-t-wa_537975.jpg)

> [“Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/abhijit-naskar/masturbation-and-meditation-both-promote-physical-and-mental-wellbeing/)

[Abhijit Naskar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/abhijit-naskar/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a5/abhijit-naskar-99_biology_masturbation-and-meditation-both-promote_444648.jpg)

> [That awkward moment when being caught masturbating by your parents during orgasm](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dante/that-awkward-moment-when-being-caught-masturbating-by-your-parents/)

[Dante](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dante/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/173/dante-32677_awkward-moment_that-awkward-moment-when-being-caught-ma_3103972.jpg)

> [Sometimes I want to sit on my right hand so it feels like someone else is stopping me from masturbating.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nikhil-saluja/sometimes-i-want-to-sit-on-my-right-hand-so-it-feels-like-someone/)

[Nikhil Saluja](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nikhil-saluja/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6d/nikhil-saluja-26_facebook_sometimes-i-want-to-sit-on-my-right-hand_2207445.jpg)

> [“I will say it here on louder, all people to can hear it. I "DeYtH Banger" - I have masturbating problem ): .”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/deyth-banger/i-will-say-it-here-on-louder-all-people-to-can-hear-it-i-deyth-banger/)

[Deyth Banger](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/deyth-banger/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ec3/deyth-banger-871_banger_i-will-say-it-here-on-louder-all-people_505097.jpg)

> [“God. I may end up being the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself. Look, Mom—no hands.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emma-chase/god-i-may-end-up-being-the-first-man-in-history-capable-of/)

[Emma Chase](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emma-chase/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b4/emma-chase-699_history_god-i-may-end-up-being-the-first-man-in_1954098.jpg)

> [Parents catch you masturbating? Stare straight at em and finish like a boss!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/parents-catch-you-masturbating-stare-straight-at-em-and-finish-like-a/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/324/anonymous-1_boss_parents-catch-you-masturbating-stare-str_1931920.jpg)

## Top authors on Masturbating

- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b018/author-nikhil-saluja-71464.jpg) Nikhil Saluja 8 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/masturbating/nikhil-saluja/)

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                        "@type": "Quotation",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes.",
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                        "text": "The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.",
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                        "text": "“Even just the thought her…God. I may end up being the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself. Look, Mom—no hands.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Oh, that's me. I'm just masturbating. Well, if you keep interrupting me it will take a little bit longer. But usually it just takes about thirty five minutes. -Ethan Tremblay",
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                        "text": "There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.",
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                        "text": "A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent of masturbating, and I'd sort of fell the same way about playing John Madden Football immediately after filing my income tax: It's fun, but - somehow - vaguely pathetic.",
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                        "text": "“I can't,\" I said. \"I threw my back out masturbating.”",
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                        "text": "Masturbating in space, would be like living in a snow globe.",
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